Marriage Breakdown!

[dingding 0]

Glad to hear you two are going to have a crack at it. When my ex wife and I hit our rocky patch (which later turned out to be another guy!) I was actually back in England for a couple of months and she was at a Military training school, which to be honest made it difficult at the time to work at things. I had regrets about not flying straight back to sort things out, though I have no regrets on that front now, but our situation may have been a little different. I so still sometimes have regrets that I didn't see the immigration process through. I loved it in the states and had come to consider it home, hand many friends etc. I haven't been back since and we are now divorced and the ex remarried (11 days after the divorce was final ). I wanted to try and figure things out and exhaust every possibility before calling it quits, however she didn't (basically lied about the situation and reasons). If both of you are up for trying to work things through than that is a very encouraging step. Work at things, get all the immigration things completed. Then further down the line if things don't work out, you have some more clear cut options as far as your own situation goes. But hopefully you will be happy together thinking, wow, look what we almost did, thank God we stuck through it.

All the best.

[Lizzy 0]

Yes i remember your story...hope it all works out

[Robor007 0]

I don't know from first hand experience but I have a good friend who went through the K-1 process for his wife. They had a very tough time at first. It's a big adjustment leaving friends and family behind, especially going to a very different culture (Philppines to US). The good news is they got through the tough part and it's 2 years later and they're expecting their first child. Good luck to you!

[babybunny 2]

when i got married 3 things were told to me..

1.. love your spouse as if it was the LAST time.

2.. take the time to have dinner at least ONE TIME per week at the dinner table.

3.. Kiss each other and say I love you each time you get ready to walk out that door.

THats all i gotta say about that!

[munchkins 0]

Liam, I was so sad to read this but glad to see that you are both going to give it a go and try to work things out.

Immigration is hard Liam as you well know, life is hard and marriage is harder still, all these things have to be worked at and lots of time and effort put in from both parties a good, loving marriage is not just handed to you on a platter!!!! things are still so "new" for you both, so all I will say and trust me I've been there, done it and got the t shirt, Talk to each other, listen to each other, respect each other and take time out for each other, quality time and remember the love that you had/have for each other and you will get there. Don't take the "easy option" your marriage is worth fighting for I am sure. good luck and god bless I really pray that you can work it all out

[Moonie 0]

I am so happy to hear that you two are working it out! I send positive wishes and thoughts your way

[Peggy 1]

Sorry to hear you are having troubles in your marriage.

Like everyone has said, being married has it ups and downs.

Try and just give it some more time if you both can.

Try and remember all the times of being alone waiting to get here to be with her. I think this process is hard on most marriages.

Waiting to get a job, being able to drive, finding new friends. It all takes time and alot of patience.

Good luck to you both. I wish you two the best.

[JayJay 4]

Hi Liam and Lisa!

Remember me? Course you do *winx*

I hope you both can read this. I have some things to share with you...

When I was told "marriage is hard" I thought "Oh yeah, course it is...I'll be fine"; thinking "I can't imagine this ever changing anyway...". I almost blew everyone off when they said that ebcause i figured whatever was down the road we'd circumvent with no problems whatsoever. However, I was in for a bit of a shock when we really hit rough times because I'd not really anticipated them. Had he been my boyfriend, I would very likely have ended things and walked out: however, he was (and still is) my husband - and something inside me (probably given to me by my mother who is an incredibly self-sacraficing, loyal and beautiful person) made me stay: almost as though there were a real string binding Ben and I together in those moments of trouble.

One thing I found was that as times got harder, then harder still, the action of "dealing with" the hard times meant I felt more and more like he belonged in "my family". It's difficult to explain, but through all the hurt, the arguments, the bad words and the real feelings of almost violent nature (and all that is putting it mildly!) our closeness grew. It was as though we were revealing the deepest, darkest most personal and weak parts of ourselves to each other with every new difficulty, and the action of doing that meant we both had less and less to hide.

Of course, then came the choice: stick it out, or end it. Sometimes, ending things seems like the easier of two evils: you get to walk away and you don't have to see the other person again. BUT...and it's a big but...once you've stuck together like ice on fire through those awful times, you know in the deepest of senses that the other person has seen what you are capable of doing and saying, and that it's going to be damn hard to do this all over again, and reveal yourself to another person all over again. because for better or for worse, the other person is still there, in your house; by your side.

In my experience, for a while then you remain tight lipped and far away from one another. But...if you stick it out for long enough: expose your wounded underbellies to one another for long enough and keep the lines of communication even slightly open (think of an artery almost completely blocked with a clot...yummy), words will once again, in time, begin to trickle through the gap, gradually widening it and the hard times will be overcome. It is up to you, however, if you want that time to come during divorce proceedings, or unexpectedly over a cup of coffee one Spring evening, at your house which you share together.

Think of all you have been through. Life is a struggle: people live, people die; people's children die of cancer, survive cancer; people's houses burn to the ground; people regularly lose their entire families or are caught up in war-torn situations not of their own makings. To assume that one's life will always be peachy isn't exactly accurate: nobody's is - absolutely nobody's.

Keep working on this...be very, very patient and both of you - know your own morals. If nothing else, do the following:

1) Stick to the morality within your own hearts with conviction: you know what is right and what is wrong: police yourselves in all situations with each other and try to do and say what you know you'd want your children to do and say. Be true to yourselves, and you are far more likely to be true to one another - and that will help heal other wounds. it will be a slow process.

2) You know marriage counselling is worth a try, so do it. It's the right thing to do - it doesn't even nescessarily have to cost you a penny depending on where you go. It's very obvious to all concerned that to bridge the huge gap between two very different continents is something humans only do when they feel very strongly for one another: now, in your time of difficulty, it's more important than ever to nurture what you have and did have, rather than continue to destroy it: because destroying is a juvenile act (that includes hurtful things and hurtful actions).

3) Forgive yourselves. God knows we all need forgiveness sometimes - but you won't get it unless you forst try to understand and forgive yourself. Do this with no trace of "one-upmanship". Do it with no expectation of forgiveness from your spouse. Just do it for yourself - once you begin mending that part of your life, you'll feel a lot calmer and able to deal with the other person and any other parties involved.

4) Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. This can be damn hard when you want to break a frying pan over the other person's head, but it MUST be done! If you need to, force yourself to think in terms of the other person three times a day. It's IMPORTANT!

5) Finally - and this may take a while - start to forgive each other. This can come in a variety of unusual ways...so don't expect yourselves to look at each other tomorrow and go "I forgive you, darn it! I love you honey!" and feel all hunky dory about ti - ain't gonna happen. there are very few "hallelujah" moments in life and forgiving someone who's hurt you is certainly not one of them. But it will come as well,a dn believe me, when it does, you will feel a hell of a lot better. Question is: do you want it to come after divorce, or as a beautiful new chapter to a remarkable and wonderful relationship?

Anyway, I've spoken for much too long. I am sending you guys many, many cyber hugs and the warmest of wishes. Everything will be alright in the end, I promise. (F) (F) :) :)

[JenT 0]

Awesome post, JayJay.

Jen

[Lizzy 0]

wow Jay jay, ever thought of being a marriage counselor?

[Moonie 0]

great post

[Nessa 23]

when i got married 3 things were told to me..

1.. love your spouse as if it was the LAST time.

2.. take the time to have dinner at least ONE TIME per week at the dinner table.

3.. Kiss each other and say I love you each time you get ready to walk out that door.

THats all i gotta say about that!

nice words. I completely agree

[MichelleandCraig 1]

JayJay, just....wow. M.