Helping a spouse settle into USA

[lirpa11 16]

Hello!

My husband and I will be moving to USA early next year. My husband is from Australia, and has never lived more than a 30 minute drive from the same place, so being in a new country (on the opposite side of the world) will be a big change.

We have travelled to USA 3 times before and he loves it, and he has met my family and some friends.

I still worry though, as it is a big change, and I want him to be happy. Does anyone have any tips on helping him to settle in to USA, your own experiences, troubles etc?

What helped you enjoy being in USA, what did you find hard etc? I want to keep him happy so any experience/ input is appreciated to make the move go smoothly for him.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

I think it depends on people who to deal with a new place, new people, and new activities. I have been here over 9 months, still have no friends, staying at home, doing most things on internet - of course my 2 cats makes me busy as usual-. But, I never felt it is difficult to adjust. My husband tries to find a new things for me, takes me to new places, my mom-in-law is very nice and calling me almost everyday. You, as a spouse of the beneficiary, should try talk to him heart to heart so he does not feel worthless by leaving his country. It is difficult to leave all behind and moved to a new country.

My point is that if people think everything is difficult then our mind will set it up that way. I'd never lived in another countries before though I traveled a lot for my job in my native country. I never ate western food everyday before moved here. But here I don't find things that make me difficult to adjust and I am from Asian country. My husband always makes sure I am okay, asks me what I want, takes me to Asian stores, and many things.

The good thing that I have something to make busy myself. I watched movies on Netflix, building my own website, blogging, looking for jobs, reading many things how to prepare myself if I am ready go back to work. I also talking to my friends and family. If I missed a lot Indonesia food then I just bought ingredients at Asian stores and cook. Because of these situation now I can cook much better than before. I believe your husband will adjust as well.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Girl from Celebes

[icv21 110]

My biggest trouble is not being able to drive or work or do things by myself.... Atlanta is a big area everything is so far away you always need someone to do things... I also lived all I'm life in the same house in Spain.

I love being here with my husband but I can't wait to be a bit independent.

I see you two are already married so he won't have this problem just don't take things for granted, offer your help things that for you may be normal aren't for him and he could feel overwhelmed or home sick in a few months after the arrival.

He won't have friends or his family so I sugest everybody pay attention and make him feel loved.

My husband family being nice to me was very important for me, my sisters in law are my only friends, you don't want him to feel weird or left out.

Edited October 29, 2014 by IRIScv

[msbau764 245]

My biggest trouble is not being able to drive or work or do things by myself.... Atlanta is a big area everything is so far away you always need someone to do things... I also lived all I'm life in the same house in Spain.

I love being here with my husband but I can't wait to be a bit independent.

I see you two are already married so he won't have this problem just don't take things for granted, offer your help things that for you may be normal aren't for him and he could feel overwhelmed or home sick in a few months after the arrival.

He won't have friends or his family so I sugest everybody pay attention and make him feel loved.

My husband family being nice to me was very important for me, my sisters in law and my only friends, you don't want to feel weird or left out.

it seems like patience is the biggest thing. I told my fiance that for 6 months not much is expected of her nor will she be able to do much -- no license, no job, no public transportation = free time. Having personal hobbies and just learning stuff online can be a help. Gardening, etc. Most of all, though, is patience. One should give it a year before stressing out about not doing much. Even finding a job is hard for citizens, so for non-citizens I doubt it is easier, especially for professional, non-engineering related work.

[MmmBlondie 8]

I was very lucky and found adjusting quite straight forward. My husband is in the military so our whole area is very military orientated and I met a great deal of new friends through being a military spouse. Nearly everyone around here is in the same boat and have moved from their home to live here...I'm probably the furthest though lol.

Help him get his US driving licence asap so he can get out of the house when he wants to. Start new hobbies together. Introduce him to as many new people as possible or do new things together so you can both make new friends. Reconnect with old friends and family too. If every now and then he starts to miss Australia do something nice for him to cheer him up. I love living where I am, I have a wonderful husband and lots of friends but I sometimes miss the UK. Maybe order him some Australian favourites (food, drink etc) and hang an Australian flag somewhere in the house

Do as many things possible to help him adjust and love living in America...without missing Australia too much.

[rlogan 2,036]

My point is that if people think everything is difficult then our mind will set it up that way.

You got that right!

You can look upon it as an exciting adventure and be thrilled about all the different experiences, or you can whine and cry about how awful it is to have change in your life - in which case the question is why would someone not wanting change in their life make such a big change?

My wife had no adjustment problems worth speaking of, and when I have stayed five months at a time in the Philippines I don't have any desire for American restaurants, finding Americans to mingle with, or have this need to see my family. There are some aggravating things of course, like people not even knowing the name of the street they've lived on for 25 years.

But attitude is clearly important, and this is something we can commit ourselves to. The fact the OP is asking about it tells me she is going to be conscientious and it will go just fine. Planning before we go is also important. It's hard to believe, but many people don't think past the plane ride to the new country and then find themselves with nothing to do. Well, didn't you realize there would be nothing to do unless you specifically planned for things to do? We don't know the hobbies and interests of the OP, but just about anything you can do in Australia can be done in the USA too. So if he likes to hunt kangaroos, then a trip to Washington D.C. is in order. It's full of them. lol.

[landr 126]

Does anyone have any tips on helping him to settle in to USA, your own experiences, troubles etc?

What helped you enjoy being in USA, what did you find hard etc? I want to keep him happy so any experience/ input is appreciated to make the move go smoothly for him.

Grease the wheels with your family. Pre-warn your husband if there are any views, customs, beliefs that they feel very strongly about. Even if he's met them before, there's a world of difference between temporarily having to put up with an in-law's foibles and permanently having to put up with them. Same applies to friendships.

Make sure you find opportunities for him to indulge in his own culture, e.g., food, ex-pat community, etc. See if there are any meetups in the area for Australian ex-pats.

Plan trips for when you both get to the US so that he's always got something to look forward to before he finds a job.

Make sure that you have time for yourselves, together and apart. Ensuring that he can be as independent as possible is the key here. For example, driving license/state ID, SSN, bank account, debit and credit card, computer with access to internet, smartphone, etc. Search out local venues where he can hang out while you're at work (if you'll be the primary breadwinner initially), e.g., local library, community centre, community college, etc.

Depending on your living arrangements, make sure that he has a key so that he can let himself in and out as well as his own space where he can go into his "nothing box" if need be, e.g., "man cave." If you can afford it, do not live with others, especially in-laws and especially your parents.

I also agree with the others regarding patience. Your husband might be okay, but then again, he might not. Understanding, patience and empathy will help. As well as an opportunity to vent, when he's feeling upset, either to you or someone else. Keep the lines of communication open, even when you're tired. Knowing that you are there for him and that you're in this together will mean a lot.

All that said, talk to him about how much input he wants from you and how much he'd prefer to do himself. He may not want you to do everything or anything for him and might prefer it if you just let him work things out on his own. Also, accept that you are not solely responsible for his happiness and that he has to meet you halfway, at the very least. You can help to set the conditions, but you cannot "keep" him happy.

[Bulwara Road 5]

Hi

We are moving over early next year (I'm Australian and my wife is a USC).

One thing I think I might miss is Australian sport. I realise I will be able to get bits and pieces when I am over, but I think I will miss being able to watch what I want, when I want. So I bought a device called Belkin @TV. It is similar to a Slingbox, but is sold here and supported here (they sell them at some Telstra shops).

What this device does is that it allows you to watch Australian TV over the internet. It is very simple to set up, and works very well. It uses a bit of data (a touch less than a GB per hour at each end), but having the freedom to watch Australian TV when I want is well worth the expense.

The boxes cost around $100 and are well worth looking at.

[stephen.marlow 0]

This is a great question. For me, the hardest part was missing my friends and family back in Australia. Watching my brothers carry on doing things together made me feel like I was being left out and it was hard knowing that my nephews would grow up not knowing me. Similarly, watching my friends continue with life without me was tough too. The way I over came it was to get out and find new friends in the US. Really work hard at finding opportunities to meet new people... or encourage him to do things with partners of your friends etc etc etc. He's Australian, and in my experience people are drawn to our accent so he should be fine haha. Also, every 3 months we would do a weekend away somewhere in the US which was fun and a good distraction to what and who I was missing in Australia.

I was only on a J1 visa at that time so I had to return to Australia... but making a friend network in the US worked so well that now I'm missing all my friends there. hahaha We have since got married so we are now in the long drawn out process of the CR1 Immigrant visa and relocating back to the US.

Oh and FYI - he'll go through a period of comparining the US to Australia. Just be patient with him and don't take it personally... it's a long road of transitioning. He'll likely miss good free to air TV, efficent public services, asian food, music and news from around the world and good coffee.

At the end of the day, just remember he is there cos he loves you so always be loveable and he would not want to be anywhere else.

S

[Kajikit 65]

You filed in California so I assume you live somewhere in the state. Moving from Australia to California really isn't a dramatic change - the biggest challenge is leaving behind family/friends... unless you live someplace that's hip deep in snow (THAT'S a culture shock for an Aussie!) the environment is remarkably similar in both countries. I moved to Florida and had to get used to the lack of mountains/hills and the lack of familiar seasons, but luckily not snow. There's also not many Australians IN the US, so if you hear a familiar accent, you are almost startled because it's been so long... Oh, and I often DESPERATELY miss really good authentic Asian food (or even a reasonable facsimile thereof) but if you're in California there's at least a fighting chance of finding it, especially if you can ever get to San Francisco. China Town felt right like home...

Edited November 3, 2014 by Kajikit

[d3adc0d3 186]

I prepare my husband's favorite Argentine dishes regularly, and I also make sure we regularly perform some traditional Argentine customs, such as drinking mate when we have guests or I come home from work.

I think it's about giving them some sense of normalcy to make the transition easier. Something familiar and comforting to fall back on.

[LauraDP 10]

I had visited America half a dozen times across many years but still nothing prepares you for the culture shock of actually living here. I arrived when my husband was already working so I had to navigate everything on my own with the four kids - including driving in America for the first time! - so it was pretty overwhelming. We were in an area where we literally knew not a single soul either so I was very reliant on google and a sat nav to get me around.

I have been here for just over a year now and I would say that the biggest difficulty for me is the emotional and psychological impact of feeling as if my adult life has been rest to zero. All that knowledge and experience I had gained over decades of adult life in Britain has been wiped out because there is so much I don't know about how things work here - I was a teacher but I didn't know the education system here, the taxation system is mind-boggling and very different, and the health system is horrendous to navigate (I seriously miss the NHS) - but there are also all those little things every day - unfamiliar products in the supermarket, vocabulary I cannot reach for in time in a conversation - that is a constant reminder of not quite fitting in here, not quite belonging.

I didn't have anyone here when we moved here so if you have a support network of family and friends then I am sure that will help with the transition. I have done a lot of contacting American friends on Facebook to find out how X, Y and Z works here but did not have the luxury of knowing anyone who had local knowledge. I blog about my experiences, the ups and downs, which helps me process everything. I think having some sort of outlet, some means of decompressing, from what is definitely a stressful transition period (even when you still believe it is a positive change) is beneficial.

Best wishes

Laura