Quantas Airline Pilots

[hampster 0]

Quantas Airline Pilots

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form,

called a "gripe sheet, which tells mechanics

about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems,

document their repairs on the form,

and then pilots review the gripe sheets

before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews,

lack a sense of humor.

Here are some maintenance complaints submitted

by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)

and the solutions recorded

(marked with an M)

by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline,

that has never, ever, had an accident.

1.P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

2.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

3.P: Something loose in cockpit.

M: Something tightened in cockpit.

4.P: Dead bugs on windshield.

M: Live bugs on back-order.

5.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces,

a 200 feet per minute descent.

M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

6.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

M: Evidence removed.

7.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

M: DME volume set to more believable level.

8.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

M: That's what friction locks are for.

9.P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

10.P: Suspected crack in windshield.

M: Suspect you're right.

11.P: Number 3 engine missing.

M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

12.P: Aircraft handles funny.

M: Aircraft warned to straighten up,

fly right, and be serious.

13.P: Target radar hums.

M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

14.P: Mouse in cockpit.

M: Cat installed.

15.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.

Sounds like a midget pounding

on something with a hammer.

M: Took hammer away from midget

Edited January 28, 2007 by hampster

[girlfrmoz 1]

Good one!

[maggieNomar 0]

Good one!

ooooooh those were great!! hammer away from midget....ROFL

[Cali Gal CPA 0]

Good one! Really funny

[arwensun1965 1]

OMG sooooo funny

[Alanlvsjudy 0]

Quantas Airline Pilots

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form,

called a "gripe sheet, which tells mechanics

about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems,

document their repairs on the form,

and then pilots review the gripe sheets

before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews,

lack a sense of humor.

Here are some maintenance complaints submitted

by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)

and the solutions recorded

(marked with an M)

by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline,

that has never, ever, had an accident.

1.P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

2.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

3.P: Something loose in cockpit.

M: Something tightened in cockpit.

4.P: Dead bugs on windshield.

M: Live bugs on back-order.

5.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces,

a 200 feet per minute descent.

M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

6.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

M: Evidence removed.

7.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

M: DME volume set to more believable level.

8.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

M: That's what friction locks are for.

9.P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

10.P: Suspected crack in windshield.

M: Suspect you're right.

11.P: Number 3 engine missing.

M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

12.P: Aircraft handles funny.

M: Aircraft warned to straighten up,

fly right, and be serious.

13.P: Target radar hums.

M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

14.P: Mouse in cockpit.

M: Cat installed.

15.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.

Sounds like a midget pounding

on something with a hammer.

M: Took hammer away from midget

Funny but old and NOT Quantas, its from US Navy pilots. they don't use TARGET RADAR on airliners...also the "IFF" is a military only system

[payxibka 10,047]

...also the "IFF" is a military only system

IFF (International Friend or Foe) is a military acronym but commercial airliners also "squawk" a code identifier.

[Alanlvsjudy 0]

...also the "IFF" is a military only system

IFF (International Friend or Foe) is a military acronym but commercial airliners also "squawk" a code identifier.

Yes but thats a Mode C or S transponder, similar but still not the same, you wont find IFF on a quantas airliner.

[payxibka 10,047]

...also the "IFF" is a military only system

IFF (International Friend or Foe) is a military acronym but commercial airliners also "squawk" a code identifier.

Yes but thats a Mode C or S transponder, similar but still not the same, you wont find IFF on a quantas airliner.

Agreed, but much like "Kleenex" has been generasized (i made that word up) into everyday language to mean facial tissue, the IFF acronym has started to crossover to mean much the same thing (to the less informed) even though very different systems.

[Alanlvsjudy 0]

...also the "IFF" is a military only system

IFF (International Friend or Foe) is a military acronym but commercial airliners also "squawk" a code identifier.

Yes but thats a Mode C or S transponder, similar but still not the same, you wont find IFF on a quantas airliner.

Agreed, but much like "Kleenex" has been generasized (i made that word up) into everyday language to mean facial tissue, the IFF acronym has started to crossover to mean much the same thing (to the less informed) even though very different systems.

My original post was simply stating the aforementioned e-mail did not originate with Quantas..

I am a pilot and have experience with military and civil aircraft. I have never seen any "crossover" terminology regarding IFF/radar transponder. Both systems produce discreet identification for various purposes but they go about it in very different ways.

[mrc 0]

Mode 3A is military/civilian common. It is IFF. The other modes are military and Mode C or Mode 5 is altitude

[Alanlvsjudy 0]

Mode 3A is military/civilian common. It is IFF. The other modes are military and Mode C or Mode 5 is altitude

No argument there, however the civil aviation community does NOT refer to transponders as IFF.

IFF really means the secure modes, I don't remember any military aircraft that did not use a secure mode as well as a non secure mode.

The original reason for IFF systems came about was to identify friendly forces in a battlefield environment. For that reason, it is essential that hostile forces not be able to use the system to identify themselves as friendly even if the physical IFF equipment should fall into their hands. Litton supplies military IFF equipment, including the most advanced encryption systems, that prevent unauthorized use.

"The secure mode is used exclusively for military purposes. This mode uses a very long challenge word which contains a preamble that tells the transponder it is about to receive a secure message. The challenge itself is encrypted at the interrogator by a separate device that uses various mathematical algorithms to put it in a secure form. The transponder routes the ensuing challenge to a separate device that uses the inverse algorithms to decode the challenge. In effect, each challenge is telling the transponder to respond in a certain way. If the transponder cannot decipher the challenge, it will not be able to respond in the proper way and thus will not be identified as a friend.

To prevent unauthorized use of either the interrogation equipment or the transponders if they should fall into hostile hands, a key code must be periodically entered into each device. To eliminate the chance of a random guess by a hostile target corresponding with the proper response, each identification consists of a rapid series of challenges each requiring a different response that must be correct before the target is confirmed as a friend. A very high degree of security to the identification system is ensured through the use of key codes and powerful cryptographic techniques. "

[payxibka 10,047]

No argument there, however the civil aviation community does NOT refer to transponders as IFF.

My point being that if someone made reference to it as IFF (innocently, mistakenly, stupidly), everyone would know what the he!! they were referring to and not make a capital case out of the semantics. It would be the same if someone referred to facial tissue as Kleenex, everyone knows what they are referring to and just move on.

[Alanlvsjudy 0]

No argument there, however the civil aviation community does NOT refer to transponders as IFF.

My point being that if someone made reference to it as IFF (innocently, mistakenly, stupidly), everyone would know what the he!! they were referring to and not make a capital case out of the semantics. It would be the same if someone referred to facial tissue as Kleenex, everyone knows what they are referring to and just move on.

My point being that the original posting did not originate with Quantas, it was you that made a capital case from semantics. You are allowed to move on at any time.

[heishe 2]

It's okay guys! Stop fighting! You're ALL the prettiest!