Did I make the right choice?

[landr 126]

OP, as others have commented, I don't think you're ready for marriage right now because you won't/can't let this guy into your life. It is truly heartbreaking for him, after giving up nearly everything to be with you.

You know you need to make a decision. You have a little bit of time. But there is still a deadline, unfortunately.

Practically speaking, I think your fiance needs to find ways to get out of the house every day, even if it's to sit in the local library, park, or community centre. Both you and he will then feel that he is less reliant on you and you'll feel less claustrophobic about his presence.

[R&S13 7]

OP, as others have commented, I don't think you're ready for marriage right now because you won't/can't let this guy into your life. It is truly heartbreaking for him, after giving up nearly everything to be with you.

You know you need to make a decision. You have a little bit of time. But there is still a deadline, unfortunately.

Practically speaking, I think your fiance needs to find ways to get out of the house every day, even if it's to sit in the local library, park, or community centre. Both you and he will then feel that he is less reliant on you and you'll feel less claustrophobic about his presence.

Thank you so much for that response and advice. It is taken into consideration.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

but what about your own happiness? if you're constantly trying to please the other partner, what ever happens to your own desires?

A marriage is always about compromise - but it isn't only you doing the compromising. Your partner is as well. Both of you 'give' to the relationship because you care enough about the other to want them to be happy. It works both ways. There will be times and concerns that are not negotiable for both of you. Those are the times when the one 'gives' and the other 'take'. Ideally, both of you will be more often 'giving' to the other so that when those times occur that you can't find a compromise that works, you are able to agree to disagree and accept that this area needs some sort of other solution. Compromising doesn't mean you are constantly unhappy and putting your partner's desires ahead of your own. Compromise means a give and take from both sides and finding the 'best' win/win solution that you can live with.

For the OP, I too think it would be useful for you to see a counselor of some sort. I think he/she could help you gain an understanding of your specific fears and finds ways to disarm them or at least develop techniques that allow you to control them rather they control you. The two of you may also wish to see a marriage counselor together in addition to your individual counselor as marriage is a big change. A marriage counselor may be able to help you discover coping mechanisms that will help you find those changes easier to accept. You may even find ways to create your own routines together that, as the relationship grows older, will provide their own sort of 'safe environment'.

Good luck to you.

Edited October 25, 2014 by Kathryn41

[R&S13 7]

A marriage is always about compromise - but it isn't only you doing the compromising. Your partner is as well. Both of you 'give' to the relationship because you care enough about the other to want them to be happy. It works both ways. There will be times and concerns that are not negotiable for both of you. Those are the times when the one 'gives' and the other 'take'. Ideally, both of you will be more often 'giving' to the other so that when those times occur that you can't find a compromise that works, you are able to agree to disagree and accept that this area needs some sort of other solution. Compromising doesn't mean you are constantly unhappy and putting your partner's desires ahead of your own. Compromise means a give and take from both sides and finding the 'best' win/win solution that you can live with.

For the OP, I too think it would be useful for you to see a counselor of some sort. I think he/she could help you gain an understanding of your specific fears and finds ways to disarm them or at least develop techniques that allow you to control them rather they control you. The two of you may also wish to see a marriage counselor together in addition to your individual counselor as marriage is a big change. A marriage counselor may be able to help you discover coping mechanisms that will help you find those changes easier to accept. You may even find ways to create your own routines together that, as the relationship grows older, will provide their own sort of 'safe environment'.

Good luck to you.

Thank you so much for this post At times I just feel like marriage isn't for everyone.. I made a mistake, thats how I genuinely feel, but I am willing to give it a try

[NikLR 13,227]

You remind me of a good many women that I hear my guy friends complain about, including my husband's ex wife. You are too attached to your family for one. You can't move forward successfully into a new family when you can't remove yourself from being attached at the hip to your parents. The change is just too much for your head to handle. I bet you grew up in the same house most of your life, had the same friends, worked very few different jobs, and would never leave that city. I'll be honest, perhaps I could be a bit more attached to mine, but calling my mom once every couple weeks or once a month works for us. I love her to death, she's my mommy, but I have zero need to talk to her everyday. In fact if I did so, she'd ask me what the heck was wrong with me. LOL. But I think she did her job well and raised me to be an independent adult. I don't like change, only because I make plans so it's hard to be flexible and spontaneous. Beyond that, I find making the plans makes things like moving, buying a home, changing how I communicate, switching jobs, etc easier to deal with.

I also see someone who likes to idea of marriage but not the actual process. Maybe this guy isn't the one for you and you're not the one for him, who knows at this point. Granted you should, that was the point of the K1, but now that he is really here, your inability to change is a giant road block.

I totally agree that you guys should pre-martial counselling and that you should also see someone on your own to deal with your issues. We all have issues, and talking to a professional can help us figure out how to deal with them so they don't hinder our lives. Life is a journey. Do you want to end up well preserved full of regrets about things you never did or having really lived life to the fullest you can but maybe with some scars and bruises? Don't be afraid of making a mistake either, they're our best way to learn. The things I regret most are things I didn't do vs those I did.

Edited October 29, 2014 by NLR

[Torete 121]

Thank you Torete - I love him, not in love with him. Can you grow to love someone?

Yes, one can grow to love another. Though not through personal experience, my understanding is that it happens all the time in "arranged marriages". I wish the best for you. Unfortunately, I don't have any clever or practical advice to offer you. While I understand what you're saying, it is difficult at best for me.

Regards.

[JIJourney 96]

hello to all- never thought i would be writing this sorta post to a bunch of strangers, but i figured who else better to understand what i am going through than my fellow vj'rs?

so first and foremost i want to start off by saying that my fiance entered the US this past Saturday. Yay right? wrong. I was so excited in the beginning and then once i realized that it's time for him to come i basically started having second thoughts. i must point out that i do love him. I met him last year when i was visiting my home country - India. it wasn't an arranged marriage or anything like that - we met through an online dating service.. i saw him for a few days in a row and our relationship quickly heated up and became a long distance relationship. i told my parents about him and they went to go visit him and his parents etc... so everything worked out.

now he is here - and i hate it. i have been living on my own for two years now and once he moved in i felt like someone is here violating my space and my privacy. i immediately started panicking because his man who i have known for a year is now here and my time is being divided between him and my family (parents and brother - all three that i am VERY CLOSE to). i don't like that. he is a very understanding person and is giving me my time to adjust; however, i am scared. i know he loves me deeply and i love him too - just not as much as he loves me. i know it's fear talking, but i need someone to give me some sort of advice. i hate that i can't be open around him. i hate that when i go to my own apartment now he is sitting there waiting on me. thank god for my brother who spends time with him while i am at work every day. honestly, i don't know what to do anymore. i know many of you will tell me that this isn't the guy for me, etc... but i don't feel that way at all. i just feel like i rushed into things too quickly and should have given it more time... there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with him... its me. any suggestions guys? any feedback would be appreciated. has anyone else gone through this? cold feet? please respond as i am slowly losing my sanity. thank you

~ confused and depressed

You two should talk to each other. If you love each other you will show it.

[Torete 121]

then marriage is nothing but a compromise. is that any way to live?

Agree with the caveat: "Then marriage is OFTEN a compromise" I agree that it ISN'T any way to live if it's nothing but compromise. Surely there is common ground at other times.

[Torete 121]

thank you for your feedback. Yes it's a two way street. and i will try to put in my 50% - i believe you are correct in saying once he gets his driver's license, work permit and a job, things will improve naturally... i am praying that's the case!

If you consistently put in 100% or MORE into a relationship (instead of 50% - effectively meeting the other person "halfway", when the other is weak or a lesser percentage, the one putting more into it (making up the difference) strengthens the relationship through difficult times. FWIW and IMO.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Thank you so much for this post At times I just feel like marriage isn't for everyone.. I made a mistake, thats how I genuinely feel, but I am willing to give it a try

Well, if you are unwilling to be intimate with your partner, don't work towards making them happy, and don't come to compromises, then yes, you will never be happy in any marriage to anyone.

You can make yourself happy with anyone as long as they aren't abusive or incredibly lazy, in my opinion. It is all about changing the way you think about things. So many people raised in America think relationships and marriage need to be a tidal wave of love and gratification. Except for the very rare few that simply is not the way it works.

With my own marriage, love was gradual and living together at first was hard. We have what I think of as a mutually beneficial "business deal" marriage. I wanted someone with certain traits (I have a list!) and he wanted someone with certain traits and aspiration that weren't commonly found in his culture. We enjoyed talking together and so we decided we were both mature and self aware enough to know it would work. Things were calm and nice, but I wouldn't say that we had any sort of passionate love until at least a year into our marriage.

I think at the end of the day - you need to decide whether you think this person would be a good lifetime partner and whether you will give each other what you want. If yes, just power through these feelings and realize that a good man is a foundation for a happy life.

[Pianist27 31]

Can you put yourself in his shoes for a moment? He moves all this distance, he gives up whatever support network/family/friends he had, and instead of a welcome, he has to deal with your issues. You say there was intimacy before, but not now. That adds insult to injury. Yet, he still seems to be making efforts to reach out and communicate with you. Now imagine you had moved and this was the reception you got?

I'd agree with the advice about counselling. I also have to wonder whether you can clearly articulate to him what precisely you want, or you are just magically expecting him to be exactly what you wanted (or imagined) him to be before he arrived? I can appreciate you how can relay this to all of us since we have zero emotional stake, but maybe you have a problem communicating with the people in your life. If you can't tell him what you want in frank, honest terms, forget it.

[rlogan 2,036]

I made a mistake, thats how I genuinely feel

Yes, you did.

We heard almost nothing about the relationship before he came, but it's pretty clear you weren't in love with him. When we make statements of resignation like alluding to the idea everyone has to settle down so it might as well be this guy...

You aren't in the frame of mind to be married. To anyone. We really do need to hear more about your thought process before he got here. The story doesn't begin with him arriving, and it looks to me like you knew it was a mistake before he came. I'm betting you went through the motions because you thought it was expected of you.

It doesn't have to be a fairy tale - ours sure is. People have a hard time believing how much intimacy we have, and I don't mean just sex but the desire to spend every waking moment with each other holding hands or with arms around each other. We're like a tangled knot when we sleep. What you said about him hugging you was so tragic. We treat animals better than that.

[Brewlin 52]

Please give it some time. Me and my husband went through a similar thing 14 years back. We are still happily married. It just takes time to adjust is all, might even be 1-2 years. But it will be worth it, if it's meant to work out. Go out, have some beer, travel with him. Just enjoy life together.

[rlogan 2,036]

Please give it some time. Me and my husband went through a similar thing 14 years back. We are still happily married. It just takes time to adjust is all, might even be 1-2 years. But it will be worth it, if it's meant to work out. Go out, have some beer, travel with him. Just enjoy life together.

I applaud people who did this.

I have a question for you. Did you feel revulsion at his touch? I can see holding out for love when you start off without a strong physical attraction. But it seems to me this isn't a case where there is an absence of physical attraction but the presence of physical revulsion.

We've heard nothing about common interests, common desires, and the sorts of things that make even arranged marriages successful like the support of family, friends, and powerful social institutions. There's just too much missing regarding the lead-up to him coming here and I suspect she could ignore the reality so long as he wasn't here and actually living the ostensible plan.

[Brewlin 52]

I applaud people who did this.

I have a question for you. Did you feel revulsion at his touch? I can see holding out for love when you start off without a strong physical attraction. But it seems to me this isn't a case where there is an absence of physical attraction but the presence of physical revulsion.

We've heard nothing about common interests, common desires, and the sorts of things that make even arranged marriages successful like the support of family, friends, and powerful social institutions. There's just too much missing regarding the lead-up to him coming here and I suspect she could ignore the reality so long as he wasn't here and actually living the ostensible plan.

Hi, no...I did not. So that is a bit of concern here. We were very passionate even though we had our differences.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Brewlin