Did I make the right choice?

[Oregonstate 0]

Was this an arranged marriage? Cause anything short of that, everyone else on here should be irate with you. This is very difficult for us all and some people worthy of it don't end up getting to be together.

You need to apologize to a ton of people starting with the guy who GAVE UP CITIZENSHIP to his native land for YOU! YOU, the obviously self absurd brat that you are. You are the type of person who makes it harder for the rest of us.

Like I said before, if you were forced into this I apologise. Anything short of that means you totally suck.

Sleep tight,

Real people

Was this an arranged marriage? Cause anything short of that, everyone else on here should be irate with you. This is very difficult for us all and some people worthy of it don't end up getting to be together.

You need to apologize to a ton of people starting with the guy who GAVE UP CITIZENSHIP to his native land for YOU! YOU, the obviously self absurd brat that you are. You are the type of person who makes it harder for the rest of us.

Like I said before, if you were forced into this I apologise. Anything short of that means you totally suck.

Sleep tight,

Real people

[R&S13 7]

He becomes your family. Your parents raised you, and they are your blood, but they went through the same thing they dedicated themselves to each other and raised your siblings and you.

They sound very supportive of him, and he is supportive of you. You have a fantastic support structure and there is a lot of love going around, with the exception of you to your fiancé.

He will become a member of your wider family and it will become the new natural. That is, if you move forward and marry.

I am a few years younger than you but our big similarity is we come from close families. I adore my parents. My childhood bedroom remains the way I left it in high school. They haven't repurposed it and every time I go back home to them I have my nice big bed, my desk the way I like it, et cetera. But in four years of a relationship with my wife, if I go back home and she's not there, it feels different. Like part of me is missing. She is just as much a part of our family now. In fact, my mother keeps reminding me to update my will to include my wife so that she is taken care of if I pass away.

It's a natural part of life to expand the family and add another member. Eventually you may discuss children, and the cycle will continue.

I would encourage you to talk to him, about this situation and other major points (kids in the future, will you always live in the U.S., et cetera). He seems open and caring, and there are so many relationship horrer stories on VisaJourney. Yet your guy has been looking after you this while time.

He has a lot more to lose in this situation than you. He left his home behind to be with you. If he goes back unmarried, it may be humiliating, and he will have to re-establish severed ties. I don't know much about the cultural but I know in some places a failed marriage or engagement reduces your dateability, so to say. If you get cold feet, you simply kick him out and nothing changes for you.

I would caution you to think of this more holistically, understand what he is going through to be with you, and finally know that change is constant.

i truly do have a very good support system. the person i need the most support from is actually my fiance and i got lucky in that aspect too. Once i got home from work yesterday, he sat me down on the couch and had a conversation with me. he explained to me that he didn't want me to change anything about myself or my routine - that he supports me no matter what.. he also said that he would wait however long it takes for me to feel comfortable having him around - how he understands that i am freaking out because i now have someone new in my space, etc. i began feeling a little comfortable after he had that conversation with me... so afterwards him and i went to my parents for dinner. once we left, i didn't feel too bad having to leave with him - i guess that was progress! i didn't panic or feel like he was trying to take me away from them... any way, last night when we got into bed he tried to get close to me. i pulled away and then he asks me "baby can i hug u"... and that's all it took - i closed up again and was unhappy.. my immediate reaction was NO so i didn't let him. this morning when i woke up, i was back at square one again. he came into my bedroom this morning and asked me "whats wrong sweetie" and i went off - i told him how i hate that he tried to hug me and how i need my space and how everything he said last night was BS because he is doing the complete opposite.. he was so taken a back and was almost scared - i felt so bad but i couldn't help but react that way. he started apologizing and started telling me how he understands and he is apologetic and will never try again - he said he would wait on me, etc.. he says "i know you love me, and i know u won't ever leave me, etc"... i cut him off and said I WOULD LEAVE U IF I HAVE TO. I WON'T DIE WITHOUT YOU. i know he felt bad and now as i am typing this, i can only imagine what he is going through.. but i can't be fake. i don't want to be fake. so yeah... that's what happened in the past 12 hours...

i know he has a lot more to lose than me, thats why i am not acting on impulse and trying to give it time. Culturally my dad would probably die of shame if i left my fiance. i dont know man.. i can't live for others - i have to live for myself. Thanks for telling me that it's natural to expand - i know you are absolutely, 100% correct; however, i don't know how to convince my heart that :crying:

[R&S13 7]

Sounds like you are NOT mentally ready for marriage, but you didn't discover that until you guys are actually living together.

As for us, we love to be together as much as we can, so it's not the marriage per se,

but just your mindset at the time.

I think it would be good to have a frank talk with him.

You can fully explain your feelings, and also allow him to fully express his feelings.

Happy and successful marriage always requires more than just the physical/emotional love.

Maturity, sacrifice, and understanding are also required.

It's quiet OK to have different opinions, as we human can't often even agree with ourselves.

Rather than arguing about differences, try to respect each other's feelings,

and find ways compromise with the mindset that you are only going to get 50% your way

and give him 50% leeway.

I don't think your situation is totally strange, but it's definitely won't be healthy to keep it that way for a long time.

If necessary, seek marriage counseling or talk to other adults that you respect for advice.

Also, once he gets his driver's license, work permit, and a job, things will improve naturally

as he will be quite occupied with his work, and you will only interact for few hours at least on weeknights.

I think it can be solved with some effort...good luck.

thank you for your feedback. Yes it's a two way street. and i will try to put in my 50% - i believe you are correct in saying once he gets his driver's license, work permit and a job, things will improve naturally... i am praying that's the case!

[R&S13 7]

At first I thought it was that you were like me and just very into having your own space. However, it seems that you haven't quite accepted the intimacy that comes with dating and marriage? I can tell you that for the first several of weeks that my husband and I lived together, you couldn't have separated us.

So, perhaps you are struggling with intimacy? How is it going on that front?

it really is about my own space more than anything else. i am closing up to him that's why there is no intimacy now. i went to India last month to attend his interview and intimacy wasn't an issue then.. or even before that, etc.. but now, i won't even let him come near me. yeah, the occasional hug and kiss is mandatory in a way, but other than that i don't want him around. i know it sounds freaking awful, but my heart won't let up. i wish i could accept and move on because i know intimacy isn't EVERYTHING in a relationship, but that doesn't mean it's not an important part of feeling close with each other.

I agree. Talk is cheap. You need to take action. I believe you feel he is perfect for you....yet you do not love him. You cannot force yourself to love someone.

You need to decide to get married or not. Dont drag this out. It sounds like you love your family...but not him.

i do love him though.. change isn't easy for me. i'm really trying here.

[R&S13 7]

Was this an arranged marriage? Cause anything short of that, everyone else on here should be irate with you. This is very difficult for us all and some people worthy of it don't end up getting to be together.

You need to apologize to a ton of people starting with the guy who GAVE UP CITIZENSHIP to his native land for YOU! YOU, the obviously self absurd brat that you are. You are the type of person who makes it harder for the rest of us.

Like I said before, if you were forced into this I apologise. Anything short of that means you totally suck.

Sleep tight,

Real people

Was this an arranged marriage? Cause anything short of that, everyone else on here should be irate with you. This is very difficult for us all and some people worthy of it don't end up getting to be together.

You need to apologize to a ton of people starting with the guy who GAVE UP CITIZENSHIP to his native land for YOU! YOU, the obviously self absurd brat that you are. You are the type of person who makes it harder for the rest of us.

Like I said before, if you were forced into this I apologise. Anything short of that means you totally suck.

Sleep tight,

Real people

calling me a brat without even knowing me is uncalled for - and for the rest of your post - i won't even bother to respond. Just know that not everyone is created equally - we all react differently and have different ways of dealing with things. i posted my story online because it's my way of reaching out for help.. by calling me a "self absurd brat" doesn't really do me any good. we are all entitled to our opinions, but attacking their character truly doesn't help the situation at all. take care

[eieio 1,594]

calling me a brat without even knowing me is uncalled for

I agree. This is an extremely difficult time for you. You have been open and honest. Often I look at these situations from what I would do....but we all need to remember we are all individuals and we all react differently to situations.

There is no right answer to cover all situations. All you can do is your best. Good luck and what ever you decide to do....do it with honesty and integrity.

[R&S13 7]

I agree. This is an extremely difficult time for you. You have been open and honest. Often I look at these situations from what I would do....but we all need to remember we are all individuals and we all react differently to situations.

There is no right answer to cover all situations. All you can do is your best. Good luck and what ever you decide to do....do it with honesty and integrity.

Thanks so much. I appreciate that.

[Golden Gate 530]

I recommend you see a counselor to help you sort this out. This is a serious matter and no one's life should be played with. While he is understanding now, I can imagine that once he realizes you have no feelings of intimacy towards him, he will start to change his perception of you. If you love him, then please give counseling a chance to find out the roots of your issue. This is not a simple matter of someone giving you advice. There is some deep-seated issue here that you need to confront in yourself.

[jxn 86]

I would like to echo Golden Gate's suggestion of counseling/therapy. You can consider individual therapy as well as couple's counseling. There's no shame in it, and unfortunately time is of the essence due to the requirement to get married within ninety days after PoE for K-1 visa holders.

As the thread progresses, I have to say this may appear to be more than just jitters or general nervousness. OP, I think you recognize the caring and support your fiancé is providing you and you realize your feelings may not be fair or make sense. But you simply sound unprepared for a serious relationship, not to mention marriage, especially an international marriage that involves visas, citizenship, moving halfway across the world, and the possibility that your fiancé will lose legal status and have to go back home because you decided you didn't feel like you thought you did.

Keep talking to him, talk to your family, seek counseling, and be honest to yourself and your fiancé. But don't lead him on. If either one of you decides you don't want to move forward and marry, I hope at the very least that you and/or your family can support him amicably during the time he is here. After all, he gave up his life to be with you and entered this country under the impression he was starting a new life with you, permanently. I am willing to bet he didn't have a plan B option prepared and really isn't in a mental or emotional state to figure out how to pack his bags and start over.

Also, one poster incorrectly stated that he gave up his foreign citizenship. That's not true and not possible at this stage.

[Torete 121]

OP,

I (among others) appreciate your candor; it was a good thread post.

Question:

Do you love him?

and/or

Are you in love with him?

There's a difference albeit subtle.

[R&S13 7]

OP,

I (among others) appreciate your candor; it was a good thread post.

Question:

Do you love him?

and/or

Are you in love with him?

There's a difference albeit subtle.

Thank you Torete - I love him, not in love with him. Can you grow to love someone?

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Thank you Torete - I love him, not in love with him. Can you grow to love someone?

I think it would be naive to believe you must be in love to have a successful marriage. Being in love is not always permanent.

[R&S13 7]

I think it would be naive to believe you must be in love to have a successful marriage. Being in love is not always permanent.

then marriage is nothing but a compromise. is that any way to live?

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

then marriage is nothing but a compromise. is that any way to live?

Marriage is compromise and sacrifice. Going into it thinking less is a recipe for disaster. Edited October 24, 2014 by N-o-l-a

[R&S13 7]

Marriage is compromise and sacrifice. Going into it thinking less is a recipe for disaster.

but what about your own happiness? if you're constantly trying to please the other partner, what ever happens to your own desires?