Did I make the right choice?

[baron555 934]

we are doing things with my family - thats the thing - even though I am with them, I don't feel comfortable because he is with US. Does that make sense? God, i sound like such an awful person. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wish things were back to the way they were before he got here.

Tnx for not taking offense at my comments.

It sounds like you may be young in age? No need to answer that.

This undertaking is a very scary thing, change is very scary and very challenging and affects everyone physically and psychologically....you are very normal.

You two need to discuss your future together. Do you both really want to be together.....as man and woman married to each other....are you ready to place him and more importantly your relationship above everything else?....including your family?

I am sure that your family would want you to.

You two have 90 days since his POE to become married.....or he goes back... It's that simple.

[R&S13 7]

You are not a freak. Everyone hates change, or at least, almost everyone does when change is that deep.

Consider looking at things from a different vantage point. Maybe this guy is not trying to take you away from your family. Maybe he wants to be a part of it. Give him the chance to become part of your family, especially now that most of his family is in another country. Instead of letting him take you away from your family, bring him in and make him part of it. If you do that, no matter where you guys end up, you will always be with your family when you're with him.

Thanks so much JohnR! I will try to do this. But what about the times I am alone with him at my place? It's a constant battle with my emotions. I feel like my brain will explode soon. I am not happy - I hate this new life

[jxn 86]

OP, first off I want to wish you the best of luck regardless of what outcomes the two of you decide to pursue.

Although some people are being a little critical, I think you may just be extra aware of your feelings and trying to air them out online to avoid judgment from family or friends. I don't see any problem with asking for help and sharing your thoughts.

If you don't like change, consider the fact that leaving a job, graduating from school, your apartment not renewing your lease, losing a loved one, et cetera are all things that are huge changes to the status quo yet happen to people all the time. I think it's natural to feel nervous and to not be sure how to handle the change.

Is part of this cultural? Would you feel comfortable talking to friends and family about this? Living together certainly is a big change, and it's fair to think that with all of the emotional stress of marriage, living together, and immigration all tied together, even deeply in love you would feel stressed or confused.

Can you picture a long-term relationship with this man if you look a few years into the future when most of these issues have settled? If you go forward, in a short time your wedding will be over, he'll have his green card, you'll both have a routine, and he'll be more integrated into your family. That will become your new normal. And it's very possible you'll love it. You will have weathered the change, and you will have that stability and comfort for the rest of your life. If you ever marry anyone, whether him or someone else, you're going to go through some changes.

I think you're posting a very open, honest stream of consciousness and you're feeling normal wedding/relationship jitters. Based on your description, you've moved faster than I personally would have (I proposed after three years of dating and couldn't picture us being engaged much sooner than that), but you say that you really love this man and he sounds incredibly supportive, kind, and understanding. Also, keep in mind that he is the one that left everything behind to move and come be with you. So he is certainly to be commended for uprooting himself to be with the woman he loves, as well as supporting you during your stressful times.

Best wishes to you both.

[R&S13 7]

My husband throws off my routine on the weekends drives me nuts, but I love him dearly and get back in order when he heads off to work on Monday.

Oh god no I know what you mean I've been through that myself. It does get better. You just haven't found your new way to fit, you will find your groove if you try.

It's like with your family you are the daughter/sister and with your fiance you are a different way, It's part of growing up.

exactly!! I'm sitting there and thinking to myself *wait a minute, who r u? it's just supposed to be me and my family right now*... I am hoping when he gets a job things will get better. Maybe it's almost because he is always home right now... and not busy. So i feel added pressure? I dont know. but shouldn't i be happy and excited to go out to places with him? dinner at the minimum? i'm not - i always want someone to come along... growing up - that's probably something i need to learn how to do.

[R&S13 7]

Tnx for not taking offense at my comments.

It sounds like you may be young in age? No need to answer that.

This undertaking is a very scary thing, change is very scary and very challenging and affects everyone physically and psychologically....you are very normal.

You two need to discuss your future together. Do you both really want to be together.....as man and woman married to each other....are you ready to place him and more importantly your relationship above everything else?....including your family?

I am sure that your family would want you to.

You two have 90 days since his POE to become married.....or he goes back... It's that simple.

I actually thank you for being brutally honest with me. i need to hear it - my fiance is so understanding and so soothing that sometimes it becomes annoying! it sounds stupid, but sometimes i just need someone to be a little harsh with me so i can understand that i am potentially messing up my future here. i know he wants to be with me - and i know i should be with him (because don't we all need to settle down one day any way)... if i am going to settle down i know that he is the one for me.. but i don't want things to change. i can never place him or anyone else above my family - - and i know my family wants me to give him that importance but i can't find it within myself to do that.

[JohnR! 5,495]

That is good. If you sound like an awful person is because you actually are one -or- because you are just under stress. Somehow I suspect it's not the former!

:-)

we are doing things with my family - thats the thing - even though I am with them, I don't feel comfortable because he is with US. Does that make sense? God, i sound like such an awful person. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wish things were back to the way they were before he got here.

[R&S13 7]

OP, first off I want to wish you the best of luck regardless of what outcomes the two of you decide to pursue.

Although some people are being a little critical, I think you may just be extra aware of your feelings and trying to air them out online to avoid judgment from family or friends. I don't see any problem with asking for help and sharing your thoughts.

If you don't like change, consider the fact that leaving a job, graduating from school, your apartment not renewing your lease, losing a loved one, et cetera are all things that are huge changes to the status quo yet happen to people all the time. I think it's natural to feel nervous and to not be sure how to handle the change.

Is part of this cultural? Would you feel comfortable talking to friends and family about this? Living together certainly is a big change, and it's fair to think that with all of the emotional stress of marriage, living together, and immigration all tied together, even deeply in love you would feel stressed or confused.

Can you picture a long-term relationship with this man if you look a few years into the future when most of these issues have settled? If you go forward, in a short time your wedding will be over, he'll have his green card, you'll both have a routine, and he'll be more integrated into your family. That will become your new normal. And it's very possible you'll love it. You will have weathered the change, and you will have that stability and comfort for the rest of your life. If you ever marry anyone, whether him or someone else, you're going to go through some changes.

I think you're posting a very open, honest stream of consciousness and you're feeling normal wedding/relationship jitters. Based on your description, you've moved faster than I personally would have (I proposed after three years of dating and couldn't picture us being engaged much sooner than that), but you say that you really love this man and he sounds incredibly supportive, kind, and understanding. Also, keep in mind that he is the one that left everything behind to move and come be with you. So he is certainly to be commended for uprooting himself to be with the woman he loves, as well as supporting you during your stressful times.

Best wishes to you both.

Your post was beyond anything I could have asked for. Thanks a million for being 100% honest with me as I am being with a bunch of strangers online. I have talked to my parents (and they completely lost it) and I have spoken with my brother (he is understanding to my feelings and understands that I have always been an independent person - he is telling me to give it time) and my friends (all of who say give it time - adjusting is not easy). If I was to ever get married, I know it would be him. I thought to myself, is it the man or is it the commitment? And I realized that it's the commitment - because had this been anyone else, I still would have reacted the same. Funny you mention the thing about other changes in our lives - leaving a job, graduating from school, etc... I bought my own condo in May 2012 thinking that i wanted to be a big girl and move out of my parents house (at that time i was 28).. You won't believe it, but i was paying a hefty mortgage for almost 2 and a half years and never moved in!!! I decorated the entire place as soon as i bought it.. bought furniture, tv, cable, house phone, etc... so i would go there after work, stay there till like 9pm and then drive off to my parents to sleep - - and during the weekends i would just go there during the day to watch tv or whatever, and then off to my parents again. I couldn't move!! & then last year my dad said something that upset me and i got angry and started sleeping at my apartment lol I truly hate this and i wish it wasn't this difficult. I am hoping things will become better with time because I don't want to lose a great man. It's a battle with myself and I appreciate you telling me it's normal.. I just thought I would be super excited going to get him from the airport - him moving in - etc... in stead it was the complete opposite and i feel horrible =(

[JohnR! 5,495]

When you're alone, it's 'you' time. The time you spend alone together is the time you make memories for later in life. It's time you use to make plans for the future, be it new furniture, or Thanksgiving, Xmas, going on vacation together, starting a family...

One of the things you need to realize is that living with someone - regardless of condition or relationship - means giving up a lot of our privacy. It may not be comfortable in the beginning but that is the way the cookie crumbles. It's part of life and as you grow older - I presume you're quite young - you will look back and laugh at these things.

I am sure your family loves you but even they would concede that you need to start devoting some time to your future husband. You are not betraying or forsaking them by doing it. Sharing love is no different than lighting candles. The pilot does not burn less intense as it lights other candles.

Thanks so much JohnR! I will try to do this. But what about the times I am alone with him at my place? It's a constant battle with my emotions. I feel like my brain will explode soon. I am not happy - I hate this new life

[R&S13 7]

That is good. If you sound like an awful person is because you actually are one -or- because you are just under stress. Somehow I suspect it's not the former!

:-)

LOL - thanks! now i gotta go home... Oh God, please bless me with some sort of insight. Thank you so much for your response.

[JohnR! 5,495]

Talk. talk and talk to him. Talk until your tongue hurts. I can only do you good.

LOL - thanks! now i gotta go home... Oh God, please bless me with some sort of insight. Thank you so much for your response.

[R&S13 7]

When you're alone, it's 'you' time. The time you spend alone together is the time you make memories for later in life. It's time you use to make plans for the future, be it new furniture, or Thanksgiving, Xmas, going on vacation together, starting a family...

One of the things you need to realize is that living with someone - regardless of condition or relationship - means giving up a lot of our privacy. It may not be comfortable in the beginning but that is the way the cookie crumbles. It's part of life and as you grow older - I presume you're quite young - you will look back and laugh at these things.

I am sure your family loves you but even they would concede that you need to start devoting some time to your future husband. You are not betraying or forsaking them by doing it. Sharing love is no different than lighting candles. The pilot does not burn less intense as it lights other candles.

you'll probably laugh at me, but i am 30. so i am not young. but you are right.. it's part of life. that's what everyone tells me... part of life, part of becoming older. I feel that my soon to be hubby is going to slowly take over my life and take me away from my family. sounds stupid right? i know. it's just awful. Now i am going to go home and try to give this a shot with a happy face.. i'll try my hardest not to sulk like I have been every single day since he has gotten here. Thanks JohnR

Talk. talk and talk to him. Talk until your tongue hurts. I can only do you good.

Yes leaving now.. poor guy is probably getting tired of hearing me talk about the same thing over and over again... but communication is the way to go. On my way now...

[jxn 86]

you'll probably laugh at me, but i am 30. so i am not young. but you are right.. it's part of life. that's what everyone tells me... part of life, part of becoming older. I feel that my soon to be hubby is going to slowly take over my life and take me away from my family. sounds stupid right? i know. it's just awful. Now i am going to go home and try to give this a shot with a happy face.. i'll try my hardest not to sulk like I have been every single day since he has gotten here. Thanks JohnR

Yes leaving now.. poor guy is probably getting tired of hearing me talk about the same thing over and over again... but communication is the way to go. On my way now...

He becomes your family. Your parents raised you, and they are your blood, but they went through the same thing they dedicated themselves to each other and raised your siblings and you.

They sound very supportive of him, and he is supportive of you. You have a fantastic support structure and there is a lot of love going around, with the exception of you to your fiancé.

He will become a member of your wider family and it will become the new natural. That is, if you move forward and marry.

I am a few years younger than you but our big similarity is we come from close families. I adore my parents. My childhood bedroom remains the way I left it in high school. They haven't repurposed it and every time I go back home to them I have my nice big bed, my desk the way I like it, et cetera. But in four years of a relationship with my wife, if I go back home and she's not there, it feels different. Like part of me is missing. She is just as much a part of our family now. In fact, my mother keeps reminding me to update my will to include my wife so that she is taken care of if I pass away.

It's a natural part of life to expand the family and add another member. Eventually you may discuss children, and the cycle will continue.

I would encourage you to talk to him, about this situation and other major points (kids in the future, will you always live in the U.S., et cetera). He seems open and caring, and there are so many relationship horrer stories on VisaJourney. Yet your guy has been looking after you this while time.

He has a lot more to lose in this situation than you. He left his home behind to be with you. If he goes back unmarried, it may be humiliating, and he will have to re-establish severed ties. I don't know much about the cultural but I know in some places a failed marriage or engagement reduces your dateability, so to say. If you get cold feet, you simply kick him out and nothing changes for you.

I would caution you to think of this more holistically, understand what he is going through to be with you, and finally know that change is constant.

Edited October 21, 2014 by jxn

[CowBoE 429]

hello to all- never thought i would be writing this sorta post to a bunch of strangers, but i figured who else better to understand what i am going through than my fellow vj'rs?

so first and foremost i want to start off by saying that my fiance entered the US this past Saturday. Yay right? wrong. I was so excited in the beginning and then once i realized that it's time for him to come i basically started having second thoughts. i must point out that i do love him. I met him last year when i was visiting my home country - India. it wasn't an arranged marriage or anything like that - we met through an online dating service.. i saw him for a few days in a row and our relationship quickly heated up and became a long distance relationship. i told my parents about him and they went to go visit him and his parents etc... so everything worked out.

now he is here - and i hate it. i have been living on my own for two years now and once he moved in i felt like someone is here violating my space and my privacy. i immediately started panicking because his man who i have known for a year is now here and my time is being divided between him and my family (parents and brother - all three that i am VERY CLOSE to). i don't like that. he is a very understanding person and is giving me my time to adjust; however, i am scared. i know he loves me deeply and i love him too - just not as much as he loves me. i know it's fear talking, but i need someone to give me some sort of advice. i hate that i can't be open around him. i hate that when i go to my own apartment now he is sitting there waiting on me. thank god for my brother who spends time with him while i am at work every day. honestly, i don't know what to do anymore. i know many of you will tell me that this isn't the guy for me, etc... but i don't feel that way at all. i just feel like i rushed into things too quickly and should have given it more time... there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with him... its me. any suggestions guys? any feedback would be appreciated. has anyone else gone through this? cold feet? please respond as i am slowly losing my sanity. thank you

~ confused and depressed

Sounds like you are NOT mentally ready for marriage, but you didn't discover that until you guys are actually living together.

As for us, we love to be together as much as we can, so it's not the marriage per se,

but just your mindset at the time.

I think it would be good to have a frank talk with him.

You can fully explain your feelings, and also allow him to fully express his feelings.

Happy and successful marriage always requires more than just the physical/emotional love.

Maturity, sacrifice, and understanding are also required.

It's quiet OK to have different opinions, as we human can't often even agree with ourselves.

Rather than arguing about differences, try to respect each other's feelings,

and find ways compromise with the mindset that you are only going to get 50% your way

and give him 50% leeway.

I don't think your situation is totally strange, but it's definitely won't be healthy to keep it that way for a long time.

If necessary, seek marriage counseling or talk to other adults that you respect for advice.

Also, once he gets his driver's license, work permit, and a job, things will improve naturally

as he will be quite occupied with his work, and you will only interact for few hours at least on weeknights.

I think it can be solved with some effort...good luck.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

At first I thought it was that you were like me and just very into having your own space. However, it seems that you haven't quite accepted the intimacy that comes with dating and marriage? I can tell you that for the first several of weeks that my husband and I lived together, you couldn't have separated us.

So, perhaps you are struggling with intimacy? How is it going on that front?

[eieio 1,594]

poor guy is probably getting tired of hearing me talk about the same thing over and over again..

I agree. Talk is cheap. You need to take action. I believe you feel he is perfect for you....yet you do not love him. You cannot force yourself to love someone.

You need to decide to get married or not. Dont drag this out. It sounds like you love your family...but not him.