Did I make the right choice?

[R&S13 7]

hello to all- never thought i would be writing this sorta post to a bunch of strangers, but i figured who else better to understand what i am going through than my fellow vj'rs?

so first and foremost i want to start off by saying that my fiance entered the US this past Saturday. Yay right? wrong. I was so excited in the beginning and then once i realized that it's time for him to come i basically started having second thoughts. i must point out that i do love him. I met him last year when i was visiting my home country - India. it wasn't an arranged marriage or anything like that - we met through an online dating service.. i saw him for a few days in a row and our relationship quickly heated up and became a long distance relationship. i told my parents about him and they went to go visit him and his parents etc... so everything worked out.

now he is here - and i hate it. i have been living on my own for two years now and once he moved in i felt like someone is here violating my space and my privacy. i immediately started panicking because his man who i have known for a year is now here and my time is being divided between him and my family (parents and brother - all three that i am VERY CLOSE to). i don't like that. he is a very understanding person and is giving me my time to adjust; however, i am scared. i know he loves me deeply and i love him too - just not as much as he loves me. i know it's fear talking, but i need someone to give me some sort of advice. i hate that i can't be open around him. i hate that when i go to my own apartment now he is sitting there waiting on me. thank god for my brother who spends time with him while i am at work every day. honestly, i don't know what to do anymore. i know many of you will tell me that this isn't the guy for me, etc... but i don't feel that way at all. i just feel like i rushed into things too quickly and should have given it more time... there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with him... its me. any suggestions guys? any feedback would be appreciated. has anyone else gone through this? cold feet? please respond as i am slowly losing my sanity. thank you

~ confused and depressed

[Ontarkie 14,221]

~~Moved to Off Topic, from K-1 Fiance(e) Visa Process & Procedures - As this is more emotional then a immigration step type of question.~~

[aruadha 58]

Talk to him, share your feelings and maybe give it more than 3 days?

[Ana88 6]

No one said it would be easy, of course its different you have spent you whole relationship in a different dinamic. Even though we learn more about of loved one because of the high level of communication there is a lot about the pshyical presence of loved one we have to learn about. You need to talk to him, you owe it to him to talk to him, he just left everything he knows to be with you, it was not even been a week you need to give it time and not be negative. If you get into that negative zone you will self sabotage it all.

Breathe, relax and enjoy it, most important talk to him and remember what he has given up to be with you and respect that.

[Ontarkie 14,221]

It is hard on both parties. Some ppl can adjust better to change then others.

I hate change, I don't like it one bit and I had many days where I thought I made a big mistake. My mistake wasn't marrying my husband, but I felt like leaving Canada and moving my kids, selling my house was the biggest mistake I could of made. Now I don't fee that way and wouldn't change anything at all.

Heck I get all excited when I do something like go back to school get a new job then I start freaking out because it is out of my comfort zone. I get past it but it happens, and I work through it.

[baron555 934]

i don't like that. he is a very understanding person and is giving me my time to adjust;

You'd rather he be demanding and inconsiderate?

however, i am scared. i know he loves me deeply and i love him too - just not as much as he loves me.

A relationship takes work.....and love is just one part. Are you willing to put in the effort?

i know it's fear talking, but i need someone to give me some sort of advice. i hate that i can't be open around him.

Why not? You're open to complete strangers more than a fiance? Think about what that says.

i hate that when i go to my own apartment now he is sitting there waiting on me.

Do you two have any common interests?

thank god for my brother who spends time with him while i am at work every day. honestly,

Yes thank god for the brother.....maybe you should be the one spending time with him.

i don't know what to do anymore.

Grow up?

i know many of you will tell me that this isn't the guy for me, etc..

Or, you're not the woman for him.

[JohnR! 5,495]

I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I think you're not the right person for him.

He is the one that should be freaking out, being completely out of his comfort zone, in a foreign country, waiting for you, in a home that is clearly not his and yet, you don't mention him being frustrated and stressed.

Maybe you did rush into this. Maybe it's just cold feet. However, this person whom you claim to love is being denied an honest dialogue with the person he is willing to spend the rest of his life.

Moving in together is difficult. He gave up everything he knew, including his country. You must give up half of your apartment, and share your life with someone else.

Do yourself a favor and talk to him so that you can give him the opportunity to return home before it's too late. He deserves no less than your honesty.

I don't mean to sound ill spirited or judgmental, so if my words sound harsh is because it appears to me that you're being dishonest with yourself and with him. This is the person with whom you're going to vow to spend the rest of your life. Start sharing sooner than later. Sit down, alone and perhaps in a neutral place and share your fears and your doubts. Give him the option - and the opportunity - to stay or leave, and do so in his own terms. Nothing you can tell him will hurt him more than deceiving him would.

Place yourself in his shoes. What would you want him to do is the roles were reversed?

hello to all- never thought i would be writing this sorta post to a bunch of strangers, but i figured who else better to understand what i am going through than my fellow vj'rs?

so first and foremost i want to start off by saying that my fiance entered the US this past Saturday. Yay right? wrong. I was so excited in the beginning and then once i realized that it's time for him to come i basically started having second thoughts. i must point out that i do love him. I met him last year when i was visiting my home country - India. it wasn't an arranged marriage or anything like that - we met through an online dating service.. i saw him for a few days in a row and our relationship quickly heated up and became a long distance relationship. i told my parents about him and they went to go visit him and his parents etc... so everything worked out.

now he is here - and i hate it. i have been living on my own for two years now and once he moved in i felt like someone is here violating my space and my privacy. i immediately started panicking because his man who i have known for a year is now here and my time is being divided between him and my family (parents and brother - all three that i am VERY CLOSE to). i don't like that. he is a very understanding person and is giving me my time to adjust; however, i am scared. i know he loves me deeply and i love him too - just not as much as he loves me. i know it's fear talking, but i need someone to give me some sort of advice. i hate that i can't be open around him. i hate that when i go to my own apartment now he is sitting there waiting on me. thank god for my brother who spends time with him while i am at work every day. honestly, i don't know what to do anymore. i know many of you will tell me that this isn't the guy for me, etc... but i don't feel that way at all. i just feel like i rushed into things too quickly and should have given it more time... there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with him... its me. any suggestions guys? any feedback would be appreciated. has anyone else gone through this? cold feet? please respond as i am slowly losing my sanity. thank you

~ confused and depressed

Edited October 21, 2014 by JohnR!

[R&S13 7]

Wow, thank you all for replying to this post of mine. I should have expected some backlash - and I appreciate you guys telling me exactly how it is you feel. I should have stated that I did speak with him. I told him exactly how I felt - been crying in his arms every single night and day. He tells me everything will be ok and that it will take some time. he tells me that i just need to accept this change and that he knows that i love him, etc. The problem is I hate change - I really do. I feel like he is taking me away from my family (parents and brother) - when honestly he isn't even doing or saying anything. I don't know - i'm an emotional wreck. Yesterday he asked me "babe why don't you and I go out for dinner? why don't we go out for the weekend or something.. i have never been to the US - show me around a little bit cuz everything is new for me"... i immediately closed up and said "yeah we'll see" and was unhappy - last night i told him crying that "i don't want to go out for dinner with you or go away... i'm not ready. i just wanna be with my family"... and he holds me and tells me "it's ok sweetie, we don't have to go anywhere. we will only do things when you're ready".

Thanks to the guy who replied to my post and said "MAYBE GIVE IT MORE THAN 3 DAYS?"... I guess you're right. it's too early to decide - but the thing is he wants me to apply for the marriage license since we have 90 days - and i don't want to because i'm afraid that it'll be too late to change my mind. the problem is not him once again - it's me. he is everything I could have asked for and is truly a blessing - - i don't have any sort of connection with him ever since he got here - in all ways if you know what i mean. i've a million things running through my mind and i feel depressed. Please help me guys i genuinely want to give it a chance but I don't know how.

[R&S13 7]

No one said it would be easy, of course its different you have spent you whole relationship in a different dinamic. Even though we learn more about of loved one because of the high level of communication there is a lot about the pshyical presence of loved one we have to learn about. You need to talk to him, you owe it to him to talk to him, he just left everything he knows to be with you, it was not even been a week you need to give it time and not be negative. If you get into that negative zone you will self sabotage it all.

Breathe, relax and enjoy it, most important talk to him and remember what he has given up to be with you and respect that.

I know you're right - thanks for your input. i just wish it was easier said than done.

It is hard on both parties. Some ppl can adjust better to change then others.

I hate change, I don't like it one bit and I had many days where I thought I made a big mistake. My mistake wasn't marrying my husband, but I felt like leaving Canada and moving my kids, selling my house was the biggest mistake I could of made. Now I don't fee that way and wouldn't change anything at all.

Heck I get all excited when I do something like go back to school get a new job then I start freaking out because it is out of my comfort zone. I get past it but it happens, and I work through it.

Yes - change is the worse for me too. I have been sooo used to a certain lifestyle and routine for x amount of years and now this person who I have knows for a year has come into my space and has thrown me off. it's not easy and i don't know how long it'll take

[Darnell 8,478]

I would sit with a therapist, quickly, if'n I was in yer shoes.

[R&S13 7]

i don't like that. he is a very understanding person and is giving me my time to adjust;

You'd rather he be demanding and inconsiderate?

however, i am scared. i know he loves me deeply and i love him too - just not as much as he loves me.

A relationship takes work.....and love is just one part. Are you willing to put in the effort?

i know it's fear talking, but i need someone to give me some sort of advice. i hate that i can't be open around him.

Why not? You're open to complete strangers more than a fiance? Think about what that says.

i hate that when i go to my own apartment now he is sitting there waiting on me.

Do you two have any common interests?

thank god for my brother who spends time with him while i am at work every day. honestly,

Yes thank god for the brother.....maybe you should be the one spending time with him.

i don't know what to do anymore.

Grow up?

i know many of you will tell me that this isn't the guy for me, etc..

Or, you're not the woman for him.

I know - you're right. I have a lot of growing up to do. It's not fair to him how he is here in a different country and yet I am the one having issues. Thanks for your honesty.

[Ontarkie 14,221]

Why aren't you doing things with your family? Just because he is here doesn't mean you can't be with your family. Go out for supper make it a family thing, then out to see the sights.

[R&S13 7]

Why aren't you doing things with your family? Just because he is here doesn't mean you can't be with your family. Go out for supper make it a family thing, then out to see the sights.

we are doing things with my family - thats the thing - even though I am with them, I don't feel comfortable because he is with US. Does that make sense? God, i sound like such an awful person. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wish things were back to the way they were before he got here.

[JohnR! 5,495]

You are not a freak. Everyone hates change, or at least, almost everyone does when change is that deep.

Consider looking at things from a different vantage point. Maybe this guy is not trying to take you away from your family. Maybe he wants to be a part of it. Give him the chance to become part of your family, especially now that most of his family is in another country. Instead of letting him take you away from your family, bring him in and make him part of it. If you do that, no matter where you guys end up, you will always be with your family when you're with him.

Wow, thank you all for replying to this post of mine. I should have expected some backlash - and I appreciate you guys telling me exactly how it is you feel. I should have stated that I did speak with him. I told him exactly how I felt - been crying in his arms every single night and day. He tells me everything will be ok and that it will take some time. he tells me that i just need to accept this change and that he knows that i love him, etc. The problem is I hate change - I really do. I feel like he is taking me away from my family (parents and brother) - when honestly he isn't even doing or saying anything. I don't know - i'm an emotional wreck. Yesterday he asked me "babe why don't you and I go out for dinner? why don't we go out for the weekend or something.. i have never been to the US - show me around a little bit cuz everything is new for me"... i immediately closed up and said "yeah we'll see" and was unhappy - last night i told him crying that "i don't want to go out for dinner with you or go away... i'm not ready. i just wanna be with my family"... and he holds me and tells me "it's ok sweetie, we don't have to go anywhere. we will only do things when you're ready".

Thanks to the guy who replied to my post and said "MAYBE GIVE IT MORE THAN 3 DAYS?"... I guess you're right. it's too early to decide - but the thing is he wants me to apply for the marriage license since we have 90 days - and i don't want to because i'm afraid that it'll be too late to change my mind. the problem is not him once again - it's me. he is everything I could have asked for and is truly a blessing - - i don't have any sort of connection with him ever since he got here - in all ways if you know what i mean. i've a million things running through my mind and i feel depressed. Please help me guys i genuinely want to give it a chance but I don't know how.

[Ontarkie 14,221]

My husband throws off my routine on the weekends drives me nuts, but I love him dearly and get back in order when he heads off to work on Monday.

we are doing things with my family - thats the thing - even though I am with them, I don't feel comfortable because he is with US. Does that make sense? God, i sound like such an awful person. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wish things were back to the way they were before he got here.

Oh god no I know what you mean I've been through that myself. It does get better. You just haven't found your new way to fit, you will find your groove if you try.

It's like with your family you are the daughter/sister and with your fiance you are a different way, It's part of growing up.

Edited October 21, 2014 by Ontarkie