Pressure from girlfriend to get married

[Darnell 8,479]

ok - so it's not something cultural or ethnic. I wasn't trying to assume anything, but sometimes 'a need' can be traced back.

I will suggest one thing - you think about it, talk with others - this economic stress she's under, apparently it's affected her life in many ways, and she's borderline 'about to snap' because of it. What would her life look like, with that stress removed? If you think she'd be a totally different person, standing up in the marriage, fully participating, or no?

[Tbonesteak 12]

ok - so it's not something cultural or ethnic. I wasn't trying to assume anything, but sometimes 'a need' can be traced back.

I will suggest one thing - you think about it, talk with others - this economic stress she's under, apparently it's affected her life in many ways, and she's borderline 'about to snap' because of it. What would her life look like, with that stress removed? If you think she'd be a totally different person, standing up in the marriage, fully participating, or no?

Really great questions you posed, as they invoke different thoughts and perspective.

You are correct in saying a need can be traced back. In her case, she has explained when growing up she was spoiled and got anything she wanted. Now that she isn't getting what she "needs" she's wreaking havoc.

Economically, she hasn't been struggling at all. She had things good in Vietnam, and better here. I don't see how she can shop at Louise Vuitton, Gucci, Tory Burch, and own many other name brand items (Jordan shoes, 30 purses) and still complain about paying high tuition. She's currently living rent free!

Others I have talked to came to the same consensus: it's her lack of maturity. She's had everything handed to her from mom and dad.

Unfortunately she knows what's in my bank account and what my goals are (My car is full of receipts and she came across a bank withdrawal showing my balance while helping me clean my car. Doh!). She wants half of everything which explains why she didn't want a prenup initially. Gosh she even mention "what's yours is mine and what's mine is your's, right?" I never answered that question. HUGE HUGE HUUUGE red flags waiving in my face that I ignored.

As others have previously said, I'm doubtful things will change after marriage. I would be at her mercy if that were the case. She'd continue to be manipulative and if I don't give in, the constant threat of leaving and relentless blames would ensue. No way, I don't need that drama!

Edited October 8, 2014 by Tbonesteak

[milimelo 4,539]

If she is now on OPT that means she's done with BA. Why concern about tuition rates? Unless you're talking about CPT which is done while studying.

[Texas22 50]

Thanks to all posters for the advice. I will heed your warnings and RUN! Yes, I knew that was the right decision but just needed the validation. I am SO glad she turned down the prenup offer I gave her and feel.i really dodged a bullet. I was praying and hoping for a sign and received it yesterday evening.

Being with her is like living in a real life Korean drama (she watches them day and night) where I'm always stuck with the short end of the stick. Perhaps this is where she gets her life lessons. Without going into much detail, I just might have to consider a restraining order or at the very least a police report to protect myself. For now I just have cell phone video. Surely as one poster previously said, if I sponsored her now and decided to not apply for her ROC, she would apply for herself under VAWA. I'm so happy to see the real her now before it's too late.

Best of luck to all on your journey.

Tbonesteak,

I just read this entire thread. I am happy that you replied, and I can sincerely say I think you are making the right decision. Just know that it is going to be difficult and I am sure that she will do whatever she can to try and suck you back in, because she "needs you" to remove her problems. But, remember, that is all she wants.

You seem like a great guy who deserves happiness, and even though it may not seem like it now, the right person will come along for you - and when she does - you will instantly know it - and she will be a very lucky girl.

I think the best thing you can do to get through this difficult time is to focus on your mom. She needs you right now. I am praying for her recovery.

All the best to you and your Mom.

Kim

[Caryh 5,206]

It's weird airing my dirty laundry, but I don't know of any culture that encourages a person to camp out in front of a another's house uninvited and follows that person to work.

Its called stalking, and many states have laws against such things.

Sorry you ran into a spoiled brat. She's acting out to get her way because that is what she learned growing up. She knows no other way, and at this point in her life the odds are not good she'll learn a better way.

[Kay&Jay 44]

Please Life is hard already in the United States so much stress from work and Bills.DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE WHO WILL BRING MORE STRESS TO YOUR LIFE IT'S DEATH. Just saying ,good luck.

[d3adc0d3 186]

She is Vietnamese and from Vietnam. I am Vietnamese as well but was born here in the U.S. The pressure to marry stems from her desire to get a bachelor's degree at resident rates. She says tuition is too expensive and no scholarships are available to international students. Now that I can see it clearly, she is using me to get a discount on tuition.

Based on my understanding, her behaviors are not cultural. This is confirmed by my sister - in - law, also from Vietnam and is the same age as her, who says this girl is a b*tch. The now ex snapped at my sister - in - law for asking questions such as: How are you? How is work and school? Her reason for the behavior was because she was stressed. It's weird airing my dirty laundry, but I don't know of any culture that encourages a person to camp out in front of a another's house uninvited and follows that person to work.

D3adc0d3: She reeled me back all the time. Not this time.

Good For you! In the subsequent posts Darnell made some very good points as well. But it seems like you know what it best and your eyes are open to what is really going on. Sometimes we have to go through those crazy things to learn something valuable about ourselves. My horrid previous relationship taught me self worth, and how to stand up for what I believe in even if it feels like the world is against me. Perseverance, survival, self-worth. I may have learned those other ways, but it would've taken a lot longer. We grow when we're forced to struggle.

Consider this a lesson learnt, and not a mistake. You'll grow because of it, and you are smart enough to have gotten out before getting too deep.

Good for you and I hope your mother's cancer goes in remission and stays that way. Good luck, and focus on those in your life who need you and not your wallet or citizenship.

[brownbella 13]

I wouldn't marry an American that I'd dated for 8-10 months. Its very unusual for a couple to get married so soon, and if it does happen so quick, their relationship is usually really tight and harmonious, not rocky with 5 breakups. Its clear you care about her, and want to help her, but marrying her to help her stay in the US won't work. Yes, it'll take care of the immediate problem, but it won't fix your relationship issues, and it'll probably give you both bigger issues down the road (Divorce)! Caring about someone you've dated less than a year that doesn't mean you should marry her. I cared about my exes, but the relationship eventually ended because it ultimately had flaws and wasn't meant to be.

Unlike most other posters, I don't think she's "using you for a green card". She's already in the US, she clearly cares about you but has some issue, and she's probably petrified about leaving. That can make her feel pressure, but when I think of using someone, it means that's their only motive and the relationship is a charade.

I hope that helps you see that even if its not "fraud", doesn't make it true love and the right time for marriage.

[Franciscodelrio 0]

Hi

I know this post is old, but I'm amazed how much your description of your case is so similar to the girl I'm dating. Are you sure we are not dating the same girl ? Lol

She states that her attitude and behavior will only change after we marry. Countless breakups, disrespect to myself, blaming me for everything, threating to leave to other state (She did it and came back next day). Now threating to end relationship if we don't marry let's say tomorrow or next week for example.

Family doesn't approve this naturally.

I'm wondering what happened to your case ? What did you end up doing ? If you guys got married, did the relationship really worked out soon after marriage ?

I'm thinking to run away and move on. It's tiring

[Avery Cates 1,141]

Greetings all,

I'm here seeking any unbiased opinions I can get. Here is my situation:

My girlfriend is an international student currently on the tail end of OPT. We have been dating for under a year. Ten months to be exact. I knew very well going into the relationship about her status and was open to the idea of a legitimate marriage.

However, our relationship has been very rocky from the beginning. She continually blamed me for not wanting to spend time with her when I was/am dealing with my mom's cancer treatment as the sole caretaker and still working full time. As time went on, I have seen a side of her that makes me uneasy. She seems to always play the role of a victim saying international students are discriminated and looked down on. All our arguments have started because she alleges I can't and don't understand her. Essentially she always blames me for all our arguments. Here's just one example. I made a reservation for 7PM to take her out to a nice steakhouse during Restaurant Week. We agreed to meet at a convenient location since I was coming directly from work. I arrived at the agreed location on time. She was late. Mind you this was her day off so she was home ALL day. Well, when she finally arrived 30 minutes after our agreed upon time, she was upset and blamed me for making us late for the reservation.

With all the arguments and the short time we've been dating on top of the 5 breakups in that time, I'm not ready to get married. I feel she wants everything handed to her. I proposed the idea of a prenup (since I have family assets) but she shot that down real quick. She blew up and was offended even explaining to her why it is necessary. All of her options to resolve "our" problems (her status) are: 1) get married 2) get married 3) get married. According to her, this will stop our arguments. She pitched those options saying she can continue to be with me, go to school with cheaper tuition, and reach her goal of opening a restaurant. Didn't hear anything on how I'd benefit.

I feel it is unlikely that she is using me, but I suppose the possibility is there. I think she wants to be in control and everything done her way. Now that her OPT is about to expire, she finally decides to tell me to go with the prenup route. But now I'm thinking she's just wants everything her way. I can't tolerate that and don't feel respected. I really love this girl but she drives me crazy. Now that she's towards the end of her OPT, she gave me an ultimatum to either marry her or she'll leave me and move to another state. If i don't marry her, she will go back to school and work under the table(side note:she's been in the US for 5 years and only has an AA/AS).

The thought of losing her really sucks. What should I do?

I would not in that circumstance even consider marriage to her.

But I think you already know that.

Don't be a meal ticket.

Greetings all,

I'm here seeking any unbiased opinions I can get. Here is my situation:

My girlfriend is an international student currently on the tail end of OPT. We have been dating for under a year. Ten months to be exact. I knew very well going into the relationship about her status and was open to the idea of a legitimate marriage.

However, our relationship has been very rocky from the beginning. She continually blamed me for not wanting to spend time with her when I was/am dealing with my mom's cancer treatment as the sole caretaker and still working full time. As time went on, I have seen a side of her that makes me uneasy. She seems to always play the role of a victim saying international students are discriminated and looked down on. All our arguments have started because she alleges I can't and don't understand her. Essentially she always blames me for all our arguments. Here's just one example. I made a reservation for 7PM to take her out to a nice steakhouse during Restaurant Week. We agreed to meet at a convenient location since I was coming directly from work. I arrived at the agreed location on time. She was late. Mind you this was her day off so she was home ALL day. Well, when she finally arrived 30 minutes after our agreed upon time, she was upset and blamed me for making us late for the reservation.

With all the arguments and the short time we've been dating on top of the 5 breakups in that time, I'm not ready to get married. I feel she wants everything handed to her. I proposed the idea of a prenup (since I have family assets) but she shot that down real quick. She blew up and was offended even explaining to her why it is necessary. All of her options to resolve "our" problems (her status) are: 1) get married 2) get married 3) get married. According to her, this will stop our arguments. She pitched those options saying she can continue to be with me, go to school with cheaper tuition, and reach her goal of opening a restaurant. Didn't hear anything on how I'd benefit.

I feel it is unlikely that she is using me, but I suppose the possibility is there. I think she wants to be in control and everything done her way. Now that her OPT is about to expire, she finally decides to tell me to go with the prenup route. But now I'm thinking she's just wants everything her way. I can't tolerate that and don't feel respected. I really love this girl but she drives me crazy. Now that she's towards the end of her OPT, she gave me an ultimatum to either marry her or she'll leave me and move to another state. If i don't marry her, she will go back to school and work under the table(side note:she's been in the US for 5 years and only has an AA/AS).

The thought of losing her really sucks. What should I do?

I would not in that circumstance even consider marriage to her.

But I think you already know that.

Don't be a meal ticket.

I'm thinking to run away and move on. It's tiring

I would.

[TBoneTX 45,863]

Old thread is now closed to further comment -- the OP hasn't logged on to VJ since July 2015, and respondents are replying to his original post from 2014. Perhaps send the OP a PM with any queries, to see if he answers.

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