Pressure from girlfriend to get married

[raven52 233]

Please, when posting here, fill in what time line you have even if it is just where you live and anything else you have, believe me it matters, as people from different regions of the USA act completely different..,.,.,this is only a theory of mine...,.,.,.,but I am sure it is accurate.

As my Visa agent, who happened to be an attorney, when I was in a relationship, with the woman I thought I wanted, asked me "exactly what was going on"??? Trying to finish and annulment, in the Philippines.,.,.,.,(impossible to get there) maybe 1% get this done!

And she told me her words, I will never forget, """RUN J--k.,.,.,..,as fast as you can from this.,.,.,that was early 2012..,.,.,,.am very happily married to the woman of my dreams, since June 2013! Glad I ran.,.,.,.the first woman's annulment is still in the courts..,.,.,with one delay after another!

Listen real close..,.,.,.,.,"""""RUN.,.,.,RUN, as fast as you can from this person.,.,.,sit down.,.,.,.make a list, positive things about your situation, and negative things,.,.,.,it will add up real quick! RUN, as fast as you can!

[calvm 10]

Based on what you are describing, the vibes are not positive and you should move on or be used...!!...But at the end of the day its your call and you know the situation in its totality.. Good luck ..Cheers!!

Greetings all,

I'm here seeking any unbiased opinions I can get. Here is my situation:

My girlfriend is an international student currently on the tail end of OPT. We have been dating for under a year. Ten months to be exact. I knew very well going into the relationship about her status and was open to the idea of a legitimate marriage.

However, our relationship has been very rocky from the beginning. She continually blamed me for not wanting to spend time with her when I was/am dealing with my mom's cancer treatment as the sole caretaker and still working full time. As time went on, I have seen a side of her that makes me uneasy. She seems to always play the role of a victim saying international students are discriminated and looked down on. All our arguments have started because she alleges I can't and don't understand her. Essentially she always blames me for all our arguments. Here's just one example. I made a reservation for 7PM to take her out to a nice steakhouse during Restaurant Week. We agreed to meet at a convenient location since I was coming directly from work. I arrived at the agreed location on time. She was late. Mind you this was her day off so she was home ALL day. Well, when she finally arrived 30 minutes after our agreed upon time, she was upset and blamed me for making us late for the reservation.

With all the arguments and the short time we've been dating on top of the 5 breakups in that time, I'm not ready to get married. I feel she wants everything handed to her. I proposed the idea of a prenup (since I have family assets) but she shot that down real quick. She blew up and was offended even explaining to her why it is necessary. All of her options to resolve "our" problems (her status) are: 1) get married 2) get married 3) get married. According to her, this will stop our arguments. She pitched those options saying she can continue to be with me, go to school with cheaper tuition, and reach her goal of opening a restaurant. Didn't hear anything on how I'd benefit.

I feel it is unlikely that she is using me, but I suppose the possibility is there. I think she wants to be in control and everything done her way. Now that her OPT is about to expire, she finally decides to tell me to go with the prenup route. But now I'm thinking she's just wants everything her way. I can't tolerate that and don't feel respected. I really love this girl but she drives me crazy. Now that she's towards the end of her OPT, she gave me an ultimatum to either marry her or she'll leave me and move to another state. If i don't marry her, she will go back to school and work under the table(side note:she's been in the US for 5 years and only has an AA/AS).

The thought of losing her really sucks. What should I do?

[Mark88 184]

Run, don't walk.

[Al&Da 5]

_{I feel if you were sure about marrying this young lady, you wouldn't have to ask for advice...You know what you should do.}

_{Good luck!}

_{PS: Sometimes love isn't enough...}

+1

That you even needed others' people opinions tells me you know it's not the kind of relationship you want to be in. You know it will hurt to break up, but you also know that's what needs to be done. Be strong, respect yourself, always. Good luck!

[Marco&Bettina 502]

Please, when posting here, fill in what time line you have even if it is just where you live and anything else you have, believe me it matters, as people from different regions of the USA act completely different..,.,.,this is only a theory of mine...,.,.,.,but I am sure it is accurate.

As my Visa agent, who happened to be an attorney, when I was in a relationship, with the woman I thought I wanted, asked me "exactly what was going on"??? Trying to finish and annulment, in the Philippines.,.,.,.,(impossible to get there) maybe 1% get this done!

And she told me her words, I will never forget, """RUN J--k.,.,.,..,as fast as you can from this.,.,.,that was early 2012..,.,.,,.am very happily married to the woman of my dreams, since June 2013! Glad I ran.,.,.,.the first woman's annulment is still in the courts..,.,.,with one delay after another!

Listen real close..,.,.,.,.,"""""RUN.,.,.,RUN, as fast as you can from this person.,.,.,sit down.,.,.,.make a list, positive things about your situation, and negative things,.,.,.,it will add up real quick! RUN, as fast as you can!

There's no need at all for a timeline regarding this OP.

[Tbonesteak 12]

Thanks to all posters for the advice. I will heed your warnings and RUN! Yes, I knew that was the right decision but just needed the validation. I am SO glad she turned down the prenup offer I gave her and feel.i really dodged a bullet. I was praying and hoping for a sign and received it yesterday evening.

Being with her is like living in a real life Korean drama (she watches them day and night) where I'm always stuck with the short end of the stick. Perhaps this is where she gets her life lessons. Without going into much detail, I just might have to consider a restraining order or at the very least a police report to protect myself. For now I just have cell phone video. Surely as one poster previously said, if I sponsored her now and decided to not apply for her ROC, she would apply for herself under VAWA. I'm so happy to see the real her now before it's too late.

Best of luck to all on your journey.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Thanks to all posters for the advice. I will heed your warnings and RUN! Yes, I knew that was the right decision but just needed the validation. I am SO glad she turned down the prenup offer I gave her and feel.i really dodged a bullet. I was praying and hoping for a sign and received it yesterday evening.

Being with her is like living in a real life Korean drama (she watches them day and night) where I'm always stuck with the short end of the stick. Perhaps this is where she gets her life lessons. Without going into much detail, I just might have to consider a restraining order or at the very least a police report to protect myself. For now I just have cell phone video. Surely as one poster previously said, if I sponsored her now and decided to not apply for her ROC, she would apply for herself under VAWA. I'm so happy to see the real her now before it's too late.

Best of luck to all on your journey.

You are making the right decision, I don't think there were any dissenting views in this thread on that. Best of luck for the future and I hope that the next lady that finds her way into your life is more deserving of your time and energy.

[jfgk1987 303]

Thanks to all posters for the advice. I will heed your warnings and RUN! Yes, I knew that was the right decision but just needed the validation. I am SO glad she turned down the prenup offer I gave her and feel.i really dodged a bullet. I was praying and hoping for a sign and received it yesterday evening.

Being with her is like living in a real life Korean drama (she watches them day and night) where I'm always stuck with the short end of the stick. Perhaps this is where she gets her life lessons. Without going into much detail, I just might have to consider a restraining order or at the very least a police report to protect myself. For now I just have cell phone video. Surely as one poster previously said, if I sponsored her now and decided to not apply for her ROC, she would apply for herself under VAWA. I'm so happy to see the real her now before it's too late.

Best of luck to all on your journey.

I was basically going to say RUN, and then watch your back because she seems like the type that won't quit until she gets what she wants, but I think you already know that.

Good Luck, and stay safe!

[UnaMexicana 153]

"I feel it is unlikely that she is using me, but I suppose the possibility is there." Sorry to say, but this totally sounds like she IS using you. She is trying to use you to adjust her status and ressolve HER problem.

I see a lot of red flags here and you should really take a step back and evaluate if this is the kind of person you want to marry. Not many people would even consider marrying somebody that you have broken up with 5 times over the last 10 months.. but to each his own.

Here are the things that I consider you need to really evaluate closely:

A woman is dating somebody she met in a country where she is studying.. thats alright. But wanting to marry after only 10 months... mmm. If she was the one initiating those marriage discussions - RED FLAG

From the beginning you are "open" to the idea of marriage.. if this was being discussed at the beginning on HER initiative - RED FLAG

Being offended by prenup/prenup discussion - RED FLAG

Does not care/understand that you are not spending as much time with her because you are TAKING CARE OF YOUR CANCER-ILL MOTHER - RUN, Forest, RUN!

Do yourself a favor and find somebody more compatible... somebody with a heart.

I am not being mean I really hope it all works out for you.

Best,

UnaMexicana

[Tbonesteak 12]

"I feel it is unlikely that she is using me, but I suppose the possibility is there." Sorry to say, but this totally sounds like she IS using you. She is trying to use you to adjust her status and ressolve HER problem.

I see a lot of red flags here and you should really take a step back and evaluate if this is the kind of person you want to marry. Not many people would even consider marrying somebody that you have broken up with 5 times over the last 10 months.. but to each his own.

Here are the things that I consider you need to really evaluate closely:

A woman is dating somebody she met in a country where she is studying.. thats alright. But wanting to marry after only 10 months... mmm. If she was the one initiating those marriage discussions - RED FLAG

From the beginning you are "open" to the idea of marriage.. if this was being discussed at the beginning on HER initiative - RED FLAG

Being offended by prenup/prenup discussion - RED FLAG

Does not care/understand that you are not spending as much time with her because you are TAKING CARE OF YOUR CANCER-ILL MOTHER - RUN, Forest, RUN!

Do yourself a favor and find somebody more compatible... somebody with a heart.

I am not being mean I really hope it all works out for you.

Best,

UnaMexicana

No need to apologize. I appreciate the honesty. I totally saw those red flags but ignored them. I let her convince me into thinking she'd change and wasn't using me. Now I feel foolish to have even considered adjusting her status.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Being with her is like living in a real life Korean drama (she watches them day and night) where I'm always stuck with the short end of the stick. Perhaps this is where she gets her life lessons.

She wants a handsome, rich, caring and romantic prince charming to rescue her

[UnaMexicana 153]

I am glad it helps.. I really do hope you feel better soon. You deserve a nice girl!

Best,

UnaMexicana

No need to apologize. I appreciate the honesty. I totally saw those red flags but ignored them. I let her convince me into thinking she'd change and wasn't using me. Now I feel foolish to have even considered adjusting her status.

[Darnell 8,479]

ok - i must to ask - what is her ethnicity and country of origin ?

[that's for the OP, back at post #1]

[d3adc0d3 186]

ok - i must to ask - what is her ethnicity and country of origin ?

[that's for the OP, back at post #1]

I Kinda concur on that, some cultures push for marriage harder and sooner than others. That in and of itself may simply be a cultural difference, as well as some of her crazy behaviors.

I still agree with the suggestions of ending things, because if your relationship is rocky because of those behaviors they won't likely change with a wedding, but sometimes it's nice to know why.

OP: you're not a fool, and no need to feel foolish. Many of us have been in similar circumstances, our emotions can blind us to red flags... it happens all the time. Then when you have a master manipulator, they have a knack in reeling you back in when you're about to call it quits. When they're on their good behavior everything is perfect. When they're not... it's hell.

Don't think less of yourself.

[Tbonesteak 12]

ok - i must to ask - what is her ethnicity and country of origin ?

[that's for the OP, back at post #1]

I Kinda concur on that, some cultures push for marriage harder and sooner than others. That in and of itself may simply be a cultural difference, as well as some of her crazy behaviors.

I still agree with the suggestions of ending things, because if your relationship is rocky because of those behaviors they won't likely change with a wedding, but sometimes it's nice to know why.

OP: you're not a fool, and no need to feel foolish. Many of us have been in similar circumstances, our emotions can blind us to red flags... it happens all the time. Then when you have a master manipulator, they have a knack in reeling you back in when you're about to call it quits. When they're on their good behavior everything is perfect. When they're not... it's hell.

Don't think less of yourself.

She is Vietnamese and from Vietnam. I am Vietnamese as well but was born here in the U.S. The pressure to marry stems from her desire to get a bachelor's degree at resident rates. She says tuition is too expensive and no scholarships are available to international students. Now that I can see it clearly, she is using me to get a discount on tuition.

Based on my understanding, her behaviors are not cultural. This is confirmed by my sister - in - law, also from Vietnam and is the same age as her, who says this girl is a b*tch. The now ex snapped at my sister - in - law for asking questions such as: How are you? How is work and school? Her reason for the behavior was because she was stressed. It's weird airing my dirty laundry, but I don't know of any culture that encourages a person to camp out in front of a another's house uninvited and follows that person to work.

D3adc0d3: She reeled me back all the time. Not this time.