Pressure from girlfriend to get married

[Mike-eeh and Odie 193]

Drop this woman like a bad habit. She sounds like a selfish person and that is only the tip of the iceburg if you marry her. You rinitial red flag should have been her not agreeing on the initial pre-nup. She is only agreeing now because her time is up here.

Lose her, delete her phone number and change your's.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Ugh. It is very obvious that she only wanted a green card. Don't walk away but run as fast as you can. Stop before it is too late to handle. Breakups are painful but you will get over it. Good luck for any decision you make.

[Enigma23 68]

right!

More likely her asking about VAWA

I worry he will end up like the Seagull1234 posts where she came to the US uninvited, kicked him and his Mom out of his house and filed false abuse charges (multiple times) AFTER he was no longer communicating with her just to stay here...

Young Man.. You really need to take inventory... What do YOU want? not HER... you can NEVER MAKE another person happy by your actions!! And trying to jump through hoops to please another will leave you BOTH miserable.. No one can ever do something completely to fulfill or match the self determined, self imposed expectations that we all have inside our heads. Period!

She has to BE HAPPY with herself and her life FIRST and so do you! You cannot create happiness for her!! Nor for you... But you can enjoy her happiness (if she is already happy) and share your happiness with her if you already are happy) but only if you BOTH have it!

Ask yourself...

What do YOU Think a GREAT marriage looks like? Not "good" or "Okay" marriage.. Who the heck wants THAT!!?? No one.

What is the MINIMUM Criteria for GREAT marriage.. if nothing else shoot for an "OKAY" marriage.. and then ask yourself do you two even have that... How much fighting is allowed in an Okay Marriage?

Dow you want to fight like this for the REST OF YOUR LIFE???

The goal of marriage is NOT to satisfy another person.... It should be because you've found the one person who you feel Most WHOLE and Complete with.. Most understood by.. most loved by... and the the LITTLE things will be enough work!

I am a newlywed and marriage is STILL Work.. We love each other deeply and have gone through a lot of things that brought us closer together.

But none things that we went through was something one of us did to the other.... things that come up, compromises in personality, wants, temperature controls (I'm hot he's cold, kinda things), how much time to spend with the family, how finances and bills are handled... All the BIG things.. shouldn't really be issues.. they should already have been determined and agreed upon long before you offer her your life... If you are already suffering through the small things, imagine how much worse it could be when it comes to big things... Money, Kids, Bills, Fidelity, Trust, Companionship, Chores, Cleaning, you should really ask yourself how you want it to be and compare it to what she really wants or thinks is right but please do find out WITHOUT OFFERING her your version of "how it should be"... Just listen and offer no details in return... encourage her to talk so you learn more about her core.

Working out the small stuff is annoying enough... lol

Also as a side note... I didn't see you mention what you enjoy about her... How she benefits you or brings something great to your table... A CHOSEN Life Partner should enhance your life.... not make it worse.

Minimum Requirement.

Best of luck... I am sure since you are already here and asking.. you already know the truest answer for you.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Enigma23

[Tbonesteak 12]

Thanks for all the responses. It is greatly appreciated and sheds light reading third party perspectives.

Sorry but she sounds like the typical bi*tch. Doesn't agree to prenup......only looks for herself and you sound stressed and tired of it.

Everyone who I have consulted says the same thing! I don't want to deal with any drama. Cancer sucks enough. I'd appreciate just a little support.

I've managed to (relatively) safely escape from an abusive relationship with a very controlling man.

He would never accept any responsibility for his part in a fight, argument, issue, etc. It was always my fault, and I was a horrible wife/mother/lover/etc. I was lucky to have someone as good as him, love me despite my faults, and no one could ever love me as he does. He would get angry with me over the silliest of things, and "punish" me by ignoring me, or exploding at me. I never knew what to expect and was always on the defensive. We would be having a wonderful day (for once) and he would pick a fight based on a look I (apparently) gave him, or an attitude.

Does that sound familiar? That's called emotional abuse and manipulation. Most abusers are very much aware of what they're doing. Why do they do it? Because it's easier to manipulate you into what they want than to actually put forth the effort into a real relationship.

With how unstable your relationship is now, a marriage won't fix it. It will only make it worse as she'll no longer be on her "good" behavior (and yes, that is the "good" behavior she's showing you). Once she has that ring, that "guarantee" of a commitment, the good behavior will go away and you'll see her true self.

A marriage is a partnership of two equal people who want to SHARE in each other's world. It sounds to me like the relationship you're in is very far from a partnership.

If you genuinely want to try and make things work, go to relationship counseling, personal therapy, and have her get a psychological evaluation PRIOR to any engagement.

If you're fed up, walk. It won't likely get better. People don't change unless they want to.

That sounds EXACTLY like her!!! We'd be out having a good time but a joke will send her over the top. A comment has been made on how anyone can tolerate my behavior (I.e. immaturity, temper, etc.). She's even asked me, "Do you think you can find somebody better?" I've tried seeking help from professionals, even family and friends, but she says it's not necessary. She says nobody can understand our relationship. She feels she knows the best thing to do.

How would getting married change her?

According to her, it will relieve her stress making our problems disappear.

[msbau764 245]

Thanks for all the responses. It is greatly appreciated and sheds light reading third party perspectives.

Everyone who I have consulted says the same thing! I don't want to deal with any drama. Cancer sucks enough. I'd appreciate just a little support.

That sounds EXACTLY like her!!! We'd be out having a good time but a joke will send her over the top. A comment has been made on how anyone can tolerate my behavior (I.e. immaturity, temper, etc.). She's even asked me, "Do you think you can find somebody better?" I've tried seeking help from professionals, even family and friends, but she says it's not necessary. She says nobody can understand our relationship. She feels she knows the best thing to do.

According to her, it will relieve her stress making our problems disappear.

Her problem will disappear and also her need for you will disappear once she has the GC. by the way, any person that complains about you taking care of your cancer-stricken mom is scum. I am sorry for being so direct.

[tuckin14 58]

She may or may not being using you, but if you seriously believe that bad behavior is magically going to stop and everything will be roses just because you get married, you're delusional.

Take a step back and let me paraphrase what you'll probably be saying in 2 years...

"I had a very rocky relationship with the girl I was dating. She made me happy sometimes, but mostly she was selfish, insecure and immature. Totally inconsiderate and lacked common courtesy. It was her way or nothing, and if she didn't get her way, she would get very angry. Knowing all this I decided the best thing I could do was to make the relationship permanent!"

All the signs point to this ending badly for you. I hope you make the right call.

I quoted this post because it is practically a word-for-word definition of my ex-to-be.

I'll just give one example of my relationship. In 5-6 years together we watched every episode of Sex And The City at least 3 times, and we watched half of the movie "Casablanca." Does this sound like a woman who understands compromise?

It's easy to get hooked on someone. That's what happened to me. I spent 5 years thinking that it would be a perfectly fine relationship if just some sanity could creep in. 5 years of getting off the phone with her at night and thinking "Oh what she said is so crazy, I'm sure I can write her a letter she'll read in the morning that will get her to see things clearly." It never happened.

If your relationship goes like mine, someday she will not only continue to be angry at you despite all the kind things you do, but finally withhold even such limited affection and attention as you've been living on, and for a while you'll feel lonely and lost, and then you'll finally start telling people "I'm geting divorced from the most selfish woman in the world."

About 4 months ago we had a date for lunch, it was in fact the last time we saw each other. Now, divorce lawyers hear from their clients all the time what a louse the other spouse is, and I assume they take it with grain of sale. Mrs. Tuck called me while I was in the office with my lawyer and I took the call, and put her on speaker. After the call ended, my lawyer said "I think mother****ing idiot" was the best one.

Unfortunately, you have two likely choices. A painful breakup now, or a painful breakup, divorce, and immigration process later.

She is wildly unlikely to change. But perhaps you could challenge her. She says that the problems would all be solved by marriage. Tell her to pretend for a month that you're married and show you what you have to look forward to. I'll bet she doesn't last 48 hours. I take no pleasure in saying that, I just think it's unfortunately true.

[Vanessa + Mario 4]

Hello. I'm sorry for the tough spot you find yourself in.

My unbiased opinion here: Run. In the other direction.

You are in a relationship that was rocky from the beginning, and you want to get married- hoping it will make it better? It won't. (And if you are not ready to get married, why do it?)
The fact that she wants to control everything, blame you for everything, and not supporting you with your mom's cancer treatment-- sounds like she doesn't really care about you, or what you want/need/feel.

As some fellow VJer's said in some earlier posts- you need to focus on YOU, and what you want.

[lkerky 25]

End it! If your not ready, you are not ready. Marriage doesn't fix problems. The problems will still be there. End it!

[Ortolan 381]

Oh honey, RUN. Run like the wind.

You've only got one life; find someone who makes your life better, easier, happier. It's not this girl.

[fbragasilva88 17]

IMHO, she seems a really selfish person.. Marriege never fix anything that is already broken nor help any couple to get their relationship stronger!

Getting married is all about being part of a team of two, always helping each other

Edited October 7, 2014 by fbragasilva88

[jerod_gavel 16]

I had a relationship a few years back that was like the one you mention. If I knew then what I know now, I would have RAN. Luckily my wife and I started dating right after that. And as my ex said, "Karma will catch up with you!" I told her in response, "I hope so, I need something good in my life"

Each person has to make a choice in life. If you want to be belittled, ordered around, and constantly have ultimatums then go for it. Those relationships are usually classified as abusive by most sane people. The problem is those being abused think it will get better tomorrow, they have invested too much, they can't give it all up...... etc.

[Mike and Yaoling 46]

Walk or run away from her. I was married for 18 years to a crazy lady and I only regret not leaving sooner. I proposed to my current fiancée because I cannot imagine living without her. My fiancée only demands that I excercise and eat healthy food and not waste money. If you think your girlfriend is demanding now it will be worse after you get married and you have few options. I don't think she loves you. Love is not selfish.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

According to her, it (marriage) will relieve her stress making our problems disappear.

It will relieve her (green card and financial) worries but your problems will only get worse my friend.

[Tbonesteak 12]

That girl is trouble. If you are going to marry it should be because you love each other unquestionably or you both mutually benefit and agree to a relationship that starts without love but will hopefully include it at some point.

You should not get married to someone who is so obviously looking for a greencard that it isn't even funny. You will be the one stuck with being divorced with a psycho ex-wife, maybe some alimony and child support payments, etc. Marriage is like a lifetime commitment to drama with someone like that.

Agreed and I told her the same thing.

She doesn't respect you, she doesn't accept responsibility for her own actions, she doesn't listen to what you'd like and takes offense, etc....

This is the dating stage when people are normally at their best behavior, what do you expect it will be like when she's no longer at her best behavior?

I have explained this to her as well! I used the term honeymoon stage. Yet she expects me to know whether we should be getting married after knowing each other for 10 months but actually dating for 8 due to the many break ups.

Sit back, take a pen & a sheet of paper. List the reasons for you to marry her and the reasons not to... I think you will clearly see which one is the longest.

Personally, I think you shouldn't get married for the wrong reason(s) and reading this & from the way you've described the situation your mind is already set..

Yes, clearly the reasons I shouldn't marry are longer.

With all due respect, Dump her A*S and run like hell. She is threatening you. Love is blind. You have been blinded. Don't be blind-sided. You are asking for trouble if you don't bail now. I believe you love her but it sounds like she doesn't really love you. Run, run like the wind!!!

God Bless

Very true. I'm finding it difficult to dump her even though I know it's the best thing to do.

She may or may not being using you, but if you seriously believe that bad behavior is magically going to stop and everything will be roses just because you get married, you're delusional.

Take a step back and let me paraphrase what you'll probably be saying in 2 years...

"I had a very rocky relationship with the girl I was dating. She made me happy sometimes, but mostly she was selfish, insecure and immature. Totally inconsiderate and lacked common courtesy. It was her way or nothing, and if she didn't get her way, she would get very angry. Knowing all this I decided the best thing I could do was to make the relationship permanent!"

All the signs point to this ending badly for you. I hope you make the right call.

I'm saying those things now lol. Just need to hold my ground.

From the way you describe your relationship, I think you already know the right answer (and that's to walk away). Yes, relationships can be tough, especially when you add the stress of immigration to the mix, but a future spouse should never, ever make you feel this way.

Leaving a relationship, even a bad one, is hard - I've been there. I hope you find the strength to cut her out of your life for good. Oh, and make sure to save a copy of what you just posted so that whenever you contemplate taking her back, you can read it and remember why you got out in the first place!

Agreed. I have asked her how she'd feel if she were in my shoes and I gave her ultimatums, made her feel bad, etc. But she always seems to have an answer. It's been extremely difficult cutting her out and i will definitely save this post. Along with all the threatening text messages.

I do reckon it's pretty darn hard as strangers (who have no idea who you are, haven't observed the relationship, don't know you two mutually) to give you real solid advice that can be thoroughly digested. (With a name like TBoneSteak, there was no hope for me not to use foodie words). From the sound of what you've painted (that totally works, right? Paint and sound), I would say get your runners on and run as fast as you can. You don't want that sort of drag in a marriage - constantly criticial, stepping on eggshells, and a forced player in the blame game. Marriage doesn't much have to be about compatibility as much as it has to be about respect, and sorry, TBoneSteak-Burrito, it sounds like you're getting zip at this stage in the game. Better to run now than in five years of hopeless agony, with a possible baby on your hip.

Apart from that, I'd encourage you to talk to people who know you both, and have observed the relationship in real life. All the best.

Thanks for the advice. I have talked to people who know us both. They are all saying the exact same thing others here are saying. Even her own uncle warned me, though he was very unspecific. He should know her relatively well since she's living in his house.

[Kiv 32]

I hope your mother gets better soon ,

If you feel too pressured and unhappy with this relationship you may tell her that you are not ready to get married.

It will be up to her to decide if she wants or can wait until you are.