Pressure from girlfriend to get married

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

That girl is trouble. If you are going to marry it should be because you love each other unquestionably or you both mutually benefit and agree to a relationship that starts without love but will hopefully include it at some point.

You should not get married to someone who is so obviously looking for a greencard that it isn't even funny. You will be the one stuck with being divorced with a psycho ex-wife, maybe some alimony and child support payments, etc. Marriage is like a lifetime commitment to drama with someone like that.

[milimelo 4,539]

Walk away now.

[ItsGonnaBeWorthIt 191]

I rather you leave and end it now then to be on here in two years stating she left you and you need to know how to file a divorce.....

[Boiler 45,912]

I rather you leave and end it now then to be on here in two years stating she left you and you need to know how to file a divorce.....

More likely her asking about VAWA

[Caryh 5,206]

She doesn't respect you, she doesn't accept responsibility for her own actions, she doesn't listen to what you'd like and takes offense, etc....

This is the dating stage when people are normally at their best behavior, what do you expect it will be like when she's no longer at her best behavior?

[hir0 49]

Sit back, take a pen & a sheet of paper. List the reasons for you to marry her and the reasons not to... I think you will clearly see which one is the longest.

Personally, I think you shouldn't get married for the wrong reason(s) and reading this & from the way you've described the situation your mind is already set..

[ItsGonnaBeWorthIt 191]

More likely her asking about VAWA

right!

[David & Diana R 1,005]

Greetings all,

I'm here seeking any unbiased opinions I can get. Here is my situation:

My girlfriend is an international student currently on the tail end of OPT. We have been dating for under a year. Ten months to be exact. I knew very well going into the relationship about her status and was open to the idea of a legitimate marriage.

However, our relationship has been very rocky from the beginning. She continually blamed me for not wanting to spend time with her when I was/am dealing with my mom's cancer treatment as the sole caretaker and still working full time. As time went on, I have seen a side of her that makes me uneasy. She seems to always play the role of a victim saying international students are discriminated and looked down on. All our arguments have started because she alleges I can't and don't understand her. Essentially she always blames me for all our arguments. Here's just one example. I made a reservation for 7PM to take her out to a nice steakhouse during Restaurant Week. We agreed to meet at a convenient location since I was coming directly from work. I arrived at the agreed location on time. She was late. Mind you this was her day off so she was home ALL day. Well, when she finally arrived 30 minutes after our agreed upon time, she was upset and blamed me for making us late for the reservation.

With all the arguments and the short time we've been dating on top of the 5 breakups in that time, I'm not ready to get married. I feel she wants everything handed to her. I proposed the idea of a prenup (since I have family assets) but she shot that down real quick. She blew up and was offended even explaining to her why it is necessary. All of her options to resolve "our" problems (her status) are: 1) get married 2) get married 3) get married. According to her, this will stop our arguments. She pitched those options saying she can continue to be with me, go to school with cheaper tuition, and reach her goal of opening a restaurant. Didn't hear anything on how I'd benefit.

I feel it is unlikely that she is using me, but I suppose the possibility is there. I think she wants to be in control and everything done her way. Now that her OPT is about to expire, she finally decides to tell me to go with the prenup route. But now I'm thinking she's just wants everything her way. I can't tolerate that and don't feel respected. I really love this girl but she drives me crazy. Now that she's towards the end of her OPT, she gave me an ultimatum to either marry her or she'll leave me and move to another state. If i don't marry her, she will go back to school and work under the table(side note:she's been in the US for 5 years and only has an AA/AS).

The thought of losing her really sucks. What should I do?

With all due respect, Dump her A*S and run like hell. She is threatening you. Love is blind. You have been blinded. Don't be blind-sided. You are asking for trouble if you don't bail now. I believe you love her but it sounds like she doesn't really love you. Run, run like the wind!!!

God Bless

[templeton 120]

She may or may not being using you, but if you seriously believe that bad behavior is magically going to stop and everything will be roses just because you get married, you're delusional.

Take a step back and let me paraphrase what you'll probably be saying in 2 years...

"I had a very rocky relationship with the girl I was dating. She made me happy sometimes, but mostly she was selfish, insecure and immature. Totally inconsiderate and lacked common courtesy. It was her way or nothing, and if she didn't get her way, she would get very angry. Knowing all this I decided the best thing I could do was to make the relationship permanent!"

All the signs point to this ending badly for you. I hope you make the right call.

[cocolucho 35]

Greetings all,

I'm here seeking any unbiased opinions I can get. Here is my situation:

My girlfriend is an international student currently on the tail end of OPT. We have been dating for under a year. Ten months to be exact. I knew very well going into the relationship about her status and was open to the idea of a legitimate marriage.

However, our relationship has been very rocky from the beginning. She continually blamed me for not wanting to spend time with her when I was/am dealing with my mom's cancer treatment as the sole caretaker and still working full time. As time went on, I have seen a side of her that makes me uneasy. She seems to always play the role of a victim saying international students are discriminated and looked down on. All our arguments have started because she alleges I can't and don't understand her. Essentially she always blames me for all our arguments. Here's just one example. I made a reservation for 7PM to take her out to a nice steakhouse during Restaurant Week. We agreed to meet at a convenient location since I was coming directly from work. I arrived at the agreed location on time. She was late. Mind you this was her day off so she was home ALL day. Well, when she finally arrived 30 minutes after our agreed upon time, she was upset and blamed me for making us late for the reservation.

With all the arguments and the short time we've been dating on top of the 5 breakups in that time, I'm not ready to get married. I feel she wants everything handed to her. I proposed the idea of a prenup (since I have family assets) but she shot that down real quick. She blew up and was offended even explaining to her why it is necessary. All of her options to resolve "our" problems (her status) are: 1) get married 2) get married 3) get married. According to her, this will stop our arguments. She pitched those options saying she can continue to be with me, go to school with cheaper tuition, and reach her goal of opening a restaurant. Didn't hear anything on how I'd benefit.

I feel it is unlikely that she is using me, but I suppose the possibility is there. I think she wants to be in control and everything done her way. Now that her OPT is about to expire, she finally decides to tell me to go with the prenup route. But now I'm thinking she's just wants everything her way. I can't tolerate that and don't feel respected. I really love this girl but she drives me crazy. Now that she's towards the end of her OPT, she gave me an ultimatum to either marry her or she'll leave me and move to another state. If i don't marry her, she will go back to school and work under the table(side note:she's been in the US for 5 years and only has an AA/AS).

The thought of losing her really sucks. What should I do?

Ohh boy!!!! I feel truly sorry about your situation. I must say that it is an unhealthy relationship and those kinds of relationships never have a happy ending. Wouldn't you want something better for yourself? Don't settle for less, she is not the only girl for you. I don't know her full story so I can not judge her whether or not she is trying to use you for a green card and what her ultimate motives are, but I can hear you clearly that you are NOT happy from the beginning. She totally disregards your feelings, lacks of any respect for you, tries to impose her wishes on you, and gives you ultimatums. Would you want a wife like that? As someone else has mentioned, she is mentally abusing you, and since she knows you love her, she manipulates you as she wishes. Marrying her now and divorce her later will be more painful than the though of you loosing her right now so why go through it and marry her. I would not if I was you. I am sorry again you are going through this, but you are the only person who can make a decision on this as you will have to live with your choices. By the way, in none of the sentences you wrote you have mentioned that she says she loves you or anything close to it, so what are you doing with her??? Just a thought!

[Maritah 101]

Be brave and finish that relationship ASAP and walk away faster than the lighting.

Good girls are out there, so dont be afraid to find the right one for you.

Best regards.

Edited October 7, 2014 by M@rita

[d3adc0d3 186]

She doesn't respect you, she doesn't accept responsibility for her own actions, she doesn't listen to what you'd like and takes offense, etc....

This is the dating stage when people are normally at their best behavior, what do you expect it will be like when she's no longer at her best behavior?

that's what I said!

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and need therapy now. I would NOT recommend marrying, but if you feel like you need to be absolutely positive that this will not work... Before even proposing... like I said before:

1. Have her (and you so it doesn't seem unfair) get a psychological evaluation done.
2. Attend personal therapy (without her there) and discuss your concerns with your therapist, they may be able to help you determine if the relationship is healthy or not, and how to respond to her behaviors.
3. Have you both attend relationship counselling, this will help a third party point out any behaviors which are red flags and issues between you both.

And if you decide to go forward, most definitely have her sign a pre-nup that protects any and all assets which you have prior to the marriage and that you may inherit from your family, same for her assets.

[needsmorebutter 5]

From the way you describe your relationship, I think you already know the right answer (and that's to walk away). Yes, relationships can be tough, especially when you add the stress of immigration to the mix, but a future spouse should never, ever make you feel this way.

Leaving a relationship, even a bad one, is hard - I've been there. I hope you find the strength to cut her out of your life for good. Oh, and make sure to save a copy of what you just posted so that whenever you contemplate taking her back, you can read it and remember why you got out in the first place!

[cdneh 3,112]

So if you don't behave and marry her, she will move to another State? Good! Help her pack. As bad as it is now, it will only get worse, much worse.

[Snag 57]

I do reckon it's pretty darn hard as strangers (who have no idea who you are, haven't observed the relationship, don't know you two mutually) to give you real solid advice that can be thoroughly digested. (With a name like TBoneSteak, there was no hope for me not to use foodie words). From the sound of what you've painted (that totally works, right? Paint and sound), I would say get your runners on and run as fast as you can. You don't want that sort of drag in a marriage - constantly criticial, stepping on eggshells, and a forced player in the blame game. Marriage doesn't much have to be about compatibility as much as it has to be about respect, and sorry, TBoneSteak-Burrito, it sounds like you're getting zip at this stage in the game. Better to run now than in five years of hopeless agony, with a possible baby on your hip.

Apart from that, I'd encourage you to talk to people who know you both, and have observed the relationship in real life. All the best.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Snag