Pressure from girlfriend to get married

[Tbonesteak 12]

Greetings all,

I'm here seeking any unbiased opinions I can get. Here is my situation:

My girlfriend is an international student currently on the tail end of OPT. We have been dating for under a year. Ten months to be exact. I knew very well going into the relationship about her status and was open to the idea of a legitimate marriage.

However, our relationship has been very rocky from the beginning. She continually blamed me for not wanting to spend time with her when I was/am dealing with my mom's cancer treatment as the sole caretaker and still working full time. As time went on, I have seen a side of her that makes me uneasy. She seems to always play the role of a victim saying international students are discriminated and looked down on. All our arguments have started because she alleges I can't and don't understand her. Essentially she always blames me for all our arguments. Here's just one example. I made a reservation for 7PM to take her out to a nice steakhouse during Restaurant Week. We agreed to meet at a convenient location since I was coming directly from work. I arrived at the agreed location on time. She was late. Mind you this was her day off so she was home ALL day. Well, when she finally arrived 30 minutes after our agreed upon time, she was upset and blamed me for making us late for the reservation.

With all the arguments and the short time we've been dating on top of the 5 breakups in that time, I'm not ready to get married. I feel she wants everything handed to her. I proposed the idea of a prenup (since I have family assets) but she shot that down real quick. She blew up and was offended even explaining to her why it is necessary. All of her options to resolve "our" problems (her status) are: 1) get married 2) get married 3) get married. According to her, this will stop our arguments. She pitched those options saying she can continue to be with me, go to school with cheaper tuition, and reach her goal of opening a restaurant. Didn't hear anything on how I'd benefit.

I feel it is unlikely that she is using me, but I suppose the possibility is there. I think she wants to be in control and everything done her way. Now that her OPT is about to expire, she finally decides to tell me to go with the prenup route. But now I'm thinking she's just wants everything her way. I can't tolerate that and don't feel respected. I really love this girl but she drives me crazy. Now that she's towards the end of her OPT, she gave me an ultimatum to either marry her or she'll leave me and move to another state. If i don't marry her, she will go back to school and work under the table(side note:she's been in the US for 5 years and only has an AA/AS).

The thought of losing her really sucks. What should I do?

Edited October 7, 2014 by Tbonesteak

[sara..... 371]

None of us here are experts on relationships........thats kind of a personal thing you have to work thru on your own..........with that being said with the information you have provided if i was in your shoes i would run fast in the opposite direction.....the school of hard knocks has taught me love dont cure everything and if there are issues big enough to make you doubt the feelings and dedication to you from your partner chances are that you should just move on

sara

[novedsac 355]

Married or not - the pressure will never cease.

My response to ultimatums - have fun - walk.

Wouldn't have put up with a 30 minutes wait either without some notice - come on, who can't text or call with a quick "I'm running late honey, sorry"

[kzielu 1,149]

Hard to give you a relationship advice but I would walk away (in fact did that in the past long time ago) or at least tried to check her on intention and propose to move to her country for example...

My experience tells me (from what you described - behavior, break ups) - chances for long successful marriage are close to zero in this case.

[Ontarkie 14,378]

Follow your gut. From your post it does sound like she is using you.

[msbau764 245]

You need to end your relationship. You will get married and then quickly divorce. Run as fast as you can from her.

[icv21 110]

Sorry but she sounds like the typical bi*tch. Doesn't agree to prenup......only looks for herself and you sound stressed and tired of it.

Marriage isn't easy. If she won't wait for you to get ready and says she will move to another state and work under the table that means she is not the one. She just wants a green card

[TBoneTX 45,863]

All the women in the world to choose from, and you want to stick with this one?!

[d3adc0d3 186]

I've managed to (relatively) safely escape from an abusive relationship with a very controlling man.

He would never accept any responsibility for his part in a fight, argument, issue, etc. It was always my fault, and I was a horrible wife/mother/lover/etc. I was lucky to have someone as good as him, love me despite my faults, and no one could ever love me as he does. He would get angry with me over the silliest of things, and "punish" me by ignoring me, or exploding at me. I never knew what to expect and was always on the defensive. We would be having a wonderful day (for once) and he would pick a fight based on a look I (apparently) gave him, or an attitude.

Does that sound familiar? That's called emotional abuse and manipulation. Most abusers are very much aware of what they're doing. Why do they do it? Because it's easier to manipulate you into what they want than to actually put forth the effort into a real relationship.

With how unstable your relationship is now, a marriage won't fix it. It will only make it worse as she'll no longer be on her "good" behavior (and yes, that is the "good" behavior she's showing you). Once she has that ring, that "guarantee" of a commitment, the good behavior will go away and you'll see her true self.

A marriage is a partnership of two equal people who want to SHARE in each other's world. It sounds to me like the relationship you're in is very far from a partnership.

If you genuinely want to try and make things work, go to relationship counseling, personal therapy, and have her get a psychological evaluation PRIOR to any engagement.

If you're fed up, walk. It won't likely get better. People don't change unless they want to.

Edited October 7, 2014 by d3adc0d3

[sachin1 42]

One word RUN

[belinda63 3,041]

How would getting married change her?

[Boiler 45,912]

If you think it is bad now it will be a thousand times worse if you marry.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

From what you've described it seems like a good idea to dodge that bullet. It certainly sounds like she's using you.

[kzielu 1,149]

If you think it is bad now it will be a thousand times worse if you marry.

That.

[Marco&Bettina 502]

Married or not - the pressure will never cease.

My response to ultimatums - have fun - walk.

Wouldn't have put up with a 30 minutes wait either without some notice - come on, who can't text or call with a quick "I'm running late honey, sorry"

Agreed. I do not do ultimatums.