worried and depressed (going to waterloo wi)

[Redflame2012 32]

I know you are afraid of losing love and frightened of living in Waterloo, WI....Sometimes people get caught up in the 'romance' of their situation. You are thinking of the possible impact your decision will have. Nothing wrong with that. I feel it's not that you don't love this person. Its more about can you live where he lives with everything it entails. One 'thing' does not come without the other.

I agree with someone else' suggestion. If it is possible, spend a few months in Waterloo with your hubby-to-be. Faced with the day-to-day reality of the life there, you can make an informed decision.

There is nothing wrong with being unsure.

Good luck to you!

PS: If your hesitation is more about the 'qualities' of your chap, that is another story. Personally, I wouldn't have to think another second. I'd call it off as this situation is a recipe for disaster.

Edited September 15, 2014 by Redflame2012

[Ortolan 381]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're ready to marry this man and move.

You "don't want to lose him" but....why? He's offering you a life that's the complete opposite of what you are saying you want.

[twofors 30]

diane79,

I am originaly from Wisconsin growing up in the vast expanse of farmland only about an hour away from Waterloo. I lived there 38 years. After meeting someone online and having a long distance relationship visiting back and forth for over a year, I decided to move away from my home to live with him in City of about 600,000 on the East coast. I have never been a farm boy and new that life could be better for me in a larger city. Shortly after arriving in my new home I regretted my decision immediately. I didn't like the crazy traffic and complicated lifestyle associated with living in a big city. I felt alone and totally ill at ease with my new surroundings. To make things worse I discovered my partner had been dishonest with me about many things. But being from a wholesome family with good ole midwestern values I believed that I could make things work. Ha! After banging my head against the wall trying to make things work for 5 years I finally left the crazy person and found a place by myself. I discovered a whole new world I didn't know existed. I never expected to enjoy the city that I had found so distastful in the beginning. I stayed in Baltimore and found that indeed I loved City life. Since leaving my partner 8 years ago I have traveled to many places and find City life the best. Nothing is ever wonderful in the beginning but over time I discovered that I really enjoyed the options available to me in a larger metropolis.

That being said, I would never have believed that in the beginning. Living in Wisconsin was a wonderful life too! I had family around me and loved the beauty of rolling hills and changing landscapes. Traveling from place to place without traffic clogging the roads and being able to be in a city in less time then most commutes on the East Coast was great. People are much friendlier and there is far less stress than you can imagine. Not to mention being able to sleep a whole night through without one siren going off. There is always farmers selling their fresh produce in the summer. You will find people that will talk with you and be geniunely interested in you. And you will not be far from Milwaukee. Lots to see and do there even in the winter. I love my home state. Just not easy for me to go back. I hope this helps you.

twofors

thank you all guys... As someone said, i still have time to think things better until december. Maybe during this time i can decide what to do, or find a way to keep myself busy there. As i said, i would work as illegal in the farms, i dont mind doing that, even if my fiance doesnt like the idea.

I feel better now, i dont feel like choking myself as a while before.

Im glad i found in u nice ppl willing to help.

[lotatricy 1]

Being married isn't about being independent. Its about depending on one another through thick and thin. Hard times and good times. It doesn't sound like you should be getting married if something like this will be hard for you to the point of depression. Marriage isn't easy. It takes a lot of work. And if this is a challenge, the other stuff that comes with marriage will be even more challenging.

[PerditaD 35]

Hi Diane79,

It seems that you’re going through a lot right now. It’s understandable since you’ve already moved once and started your life all over again so you know what it feels like and you’re scared. You also sound very upset with your fiancé because you feel like you’re the only one making sacrifices and starting your life over. However, it is going to be a big change for your fiancé too, even if it doesn’t seem so. Maybe it’s a good idea not to move at least at first since you it’s good to have some kind of familiarity and stability til you settle in for a bit. Then maybe he will be more open to a change.

There are so many things you can do when you get to the US. You can take up a hobby, volunteer (which I would strongly advise over working illegally), watch TV in English with and without subtitles, read books in English, help around the house… Yes, you will have to depend on him for a while, but that is what marriage is about. It will only be temporary and with time you’ll get more comfortable and won’t be so against the idea of him helping you out til you can work and become more independent money-wise and transportation-wise. If you get married right away after getting there and submit for AOS right away, you could have your EAD within 60-90 days upon arriving to the US. That’s not too bad and can give you some time to get familiar with your surroundings, update your resume/CV and work on improving your English.

Also, there is a possibility that this post and the anger are coming from something completely unrelated to what’s been disclosed in your post so you have a lot to think about and figure out where all the anger is coming from. Maybe there are some underlying problems that you aren’t even aware of, maybe you don’t think he’s the one and are using the city where he lives as an excuse to get out of the relationship… Or maybe it’s just a temporary feeling and you’ll soon realize how silly you are and that the only important thing is to be together, while everything else can be figured out.

Good luck to you both!

[Redflame2012 32]

Diane,

It's not a matter of 'not minding' about working illegally. You can't work period. Again, working at this stage is not an option for you. When you adjust your status, this may cause problems. Again, working is not an option without the necessary documentation.

Take care!

Red.

[icv21 110]

I believe when you are in love you just want to be with this person no matter what or when or where..... and whatever you do with this person is the best of the world for you always.....

I'm from Barcelona Spain. I never had to drive.... I could walk everywhere....use subway.... Everything was 5 minutes away... All my friends..... I didn't even speak English when I met my husband!

And I would probably be never living here in the US if it wasn't because of him I liked Europe.

I'm in the "insulated" situation right now as you call it since April ( we got married in July ) and it gets boring it's true and overwhelming also true.

But you have so much to do!!! You can go places with a bicycle, you can learn English, there are churches that do activities during the week, you can also meet people there.

Once you send your AOS papers it will be a couple or 3 months until you get your work authorization! It's a totally new country I believe you are going to be busy almost everyday learning how things work.

You can take the offer your husband made to go to Madison a few times a week then other days study English in the computer, try to see what kind of jobs there are around... Work out.... Study for your driver license test ( since you never drove ) you said its a house well you could spend time fixing the yard, adding pretty flowers......even painting!!!

So when you are ready to work and learn to drive you are READY.

You can't change your husband since that's how you meet him. He likes those things and you knew it.

So if you can't sacrifice yourself a few months maybe this life is not for you, things will get harder sometimes

[khenzee 5]

Hi everybody.

I havent started my K1 visa yet, ill do it in december bc we have to wait 6 months after my fiance´s divorce before filling the application.

The thing is. Ill go to live in a small town in wisconsin, called Waterloo. I have always lived in big cities, and i am used to this kind of life. Also, im very independant. I have worked since i was 18 and i never asked anybody for help.

Now im worried bc i wont be able to work for a while in the USA for a while, around 5 or 6 months maybe.

I dont like much the idea of depending of my husband (by then), staying at home alone watching tv or sleeping while he's out working.

I feel as if im going to be in jail in this town. there isnt much to do there except for going to the park. i cant go anywhere bc this town is far from madison for going by foot, i need a car, which i dont have, and it will also take me a while to get a driver license.

I wanted to take english classes, but they r in madison, and i dont have a way to arrive there, so i cant take them.

he says he can take me and drop me in madison, and when he finishes working, pick me up, but, come on!!!! im not going to wait for him for hours just doing nothing. Also, i dont like the idea of him driving me everywhere as if i was a 10-year-old girl. I wish i could do all those things alone, not depending of him, and the idea of not having other option than depending on him, depresses me. I know it could sound childish and stubborn, but, i dont want to depend on him, and i would rather stay home alone doing nothing than letting him drive me everywhere.

Also, im worried bc i wont be able to work, to earn my own money, bc ill need the work permit... ive been even thinking of working "illegally" for a while until i get the green card. I dont care if i have to do any kind of job and if the salary is low. this place is full of farms, and i would suck a cow udder with my own mouth for $5 an hour just to have my own money and be out of home and keep myself busy and meet new people. I dont want him and her daugther to be the only ppl i know and i talk with.

Also, i hate that he likes to live far from downtown, even in those smalls towns. He likes to live leaving the town, isollated, bc he likes the peace and quiet, and i dont!!!! i feel like if the house will be in the middle of a desert island. The only thing ill see is fields, a park, and few houses, when i would like to live in a neighborhood with more houses, and more ppl, and where i can find "life" in it.

We have been fighting for this "house" issue the whole weekend, i feel like if he wants me to accept all these things bc for him they r normal, but he doesnt really understand me, even if he says he does. he doesnt know how hard is changing ur life, going to live to another country, feel alone, make new friends, etc... i have passed through this before, bc im living in a country which is not my home country.

to be honest, im starting to have second thoughts. Things would be different if i could at least do things on my own, like going to study english, or windows shopping, or visiting places, etc. but i cant.

i dont do anything more else than crying the last 3 days. I feel depressed. I dont know what to do, In one hand i dont want to lose him, but in the other hand, i wish things were different, that i could go to a place where i can be independant, able to do my own things without asking him for help. I just see myself 5 months locked in a house doing nothing but sleeping or watching tv. I know this is temporary, but i cant be like that, bc i dont like to be lazy all the time.

Im sorry for this long post. I dont know if this is the right place to write it. i just needed to talk with someone and say what i feel. maybe some of u have passed through this when u arrived the USA and can give me some advice. maybe im just making a mountain out of a molehill

You sure you wanna marry this guy?

[Jamie & Izzy 98]

Are you kidding me ! lol

My husband lives in Mazomanie, Madison. i just loved it there ! in total i spend there around 7 months, best 7 months of my Life, not just cause of the place being great but also being able to be with my husband and my two dogs.

I was never bored there, always busy with the house dogs or even looking after my brother in laws kids every now and then.

We lived in Casper, Wyoming for a month too ... living there i hated! but my husband was with my and that's all that counts.

Edited September 15, 2014 by Jamie & Izzy

[smaring 14]

bc we have to wait 6 months after my fiance´s divorce before filling the application

Why? We waited two months after my divorce to file the I-129F, but we could have done it the day after my divorce.

Also, if you play your cards right, you can have your Employment Authorization Document (EAD) within 2 or 3 months of arrival. That will come before your AOS interview, assuming you file for it at the same time.

Like others have said, I'd focus on the drivers license thing if I were you. It is easier to obtain a DL in the states than in most countries. At the very least, while you wait, take a driving course somewhere and LEARN TO DRIVE! Be prepared to take the driving test upon arrival. Then pick up a beater for $1500 to get you around.

Madison is a pretty cool city ... just too cold for me. I've been there many times. There is a plaza next to the University, by the lake, that has live music and drinks fairly often.

Good luck.

[Jamie & Izzy 98]

i dont want to be the maid of the house, i dont like doing those things, i am not going to clean his cat mess (bc i didnt even want the cats with us, but he asked me to do it for her daugther) I like to have my own life, and i would like to work, thats what makes me happy. I thought i only had to wait 1 month or 2 as much.. but not 5 or 6.... thats a lot of time, thats why i say i dont care taking low paid jobs, or work in farms. but i feel as if he doesnt understand me. He says i cant do those jobs like working in a farm bc i wont like it, that it will better if i sign in a gym or do volunteer job, i feel like he minimize my worries.

I feel as if he thinks it is not big deal, bc hes used to this life, bc his life is not changing. He thinks that going for a walk in a park is the solution to my problem. i dont think he's even worried of me feeling this, and hes is just worried of me having cold feet and breaking up with him. The kinda take it personal, and he says that if im so sure i wont be that unhappy, it will better not to go.

I feel against the wall, i dont want to lose him bc i really love him, but i have to think thing with cold head and decide something i wont regret later.

Okay i don't want to be rude, but you sounds exactly like my husband ex wife...

She was from Spain and she always was talking about jobs, once she got one she would lose it, and when she was at home all day long, she would do nothing not even walk the dogs or make dinner (cause she kept saying she is not a maid) and blaming him for everything that is wrong in the world... that of course did not last, but lucky me now i have him, muahaha !

I would gladly live in a tent just so i can be with my husband, this really doesn't sound like love to me, sorry.

[Bill and Vicky 25]

From my reading here, one of the things I knew I had to do was to encourage my wife to get out and interact with other people. She had her EAD almost immediately, so she was able to go to work and interact with people there. I still encourage her to go out with her friends. We love each other, but it makes sense to me that her life can't be all about me.

Even if you can't work (and, legally, you can't) you can do volunteer work. Get out and meet people. Make sure your fiancée understand that just because you've decided to move to "Waterloo, Wisconsin" doesn't mean you're going to sit around the house all day. He shouldn't take it as an affront...he needs to make the effort to support you, too.

So I disagree with you that moving to a small town in Wisconsin is a crisis. It only is if you make it so.

Regards,

Bill

[cappucino boy 29]

First of all Wow!

I don't want to throw another log on the fire of your unhappiness but here goes, somewhere deep I hear you, you care about the man that you love and are leaving everything to be with him. And to me it sounds somewhat one sided, you are giving up everything and what is he giving up? I may way off base but it sounds as though he could live in Madison but is choosing a small town because HE likes it there. If there is one thing I've to REALLY learn from marrying my Polish girl is compromise. I really had to give up on some of the things that I wanted because she was moving her to be with me and not the other way around. So there was some compromise, some fighting, tears and a whole lot of talking things out and being able to come to an agreement or sometimes agreeing to disagree. Life truly sometimes is a struggle but it can also be beautiful. I think many of the posts echo the similar an answer in that you still have time to think what your needs are and try an understand what is best for YOU, if he truly loves you he will compromise and see how important your needs are and put them ahead of his because he wants to be with you for eternity...... " in hunger and in thirst, till death do you part. I'm in this with you forever and ever, even if it's living in a bigger town to make you happy.

Good luck, as said before take some time and I hope that you find a place where you feel is best for you!

[Butterfly123 5]

I was a little astonished when you said that you don't want to be dependent on your new husband in the future. Isn't that what marriage is about? If it is too hard to imagine that, how are you going to handle it if, 20 years down the road, you get sick and can't work? Or lose your job and can't find another? Or many many other scenarios that can come in married life. You need to be realistic and think about reality.

You said you don't want to do housework, does that mean your husband is wealthy enough to hire a maid? Or do you expect him to continue to do all the housework by himself, as well as working full time?

I think you should really think about all these things, because they can happen in the future in your marriage even if they don't happen in the beginning. These are some of the things people should be realistic about before getting married.

My fiance will be in the same situation as you when he gets here, and I am also worried about him. He has worked since he was a boy and has always been independent. He is making an enormous sacrifice to come here. I really worried that it would be too much, that he would feel diminished by not being able to work. But he accepts all this. He sees it as a necessary challenge in life. He will clean the house and go food shopping and whatever else needs to be done so that I can work more hours. Would I have chosen this? No, I feel bad about it. But I can't complain about it, I need to be positive. If we were not ready to accept this challenge, we would not be doing it. Life is not an ideal, it is the reality that comes upon you.

After all, who is to say that, in 10 years, my husband won't have an accident and require that I take care of him like a child. Or the same could happen to me! You never know what can happen. I figure we might as well take every opportunity to prepare and make our characters and our relationship strong.

[VFittipaldi 30]

I really hate to be the mean one here but that is truly not my intention so i hope it wont come across like that. People on this site would go through hell and back a million times to be with each other and some do. I don't think any of them are concerned with small stuff like not being independent and not living in a small or big city and so on. Everyone on this site gives up their entire life, family and friend, pack their belongings into two suite cases and move to be with their love for ever so since you do not have these fillings that is something serious to think about.

I do wish you all the best and the strength to figure it all out.

Edited September 16, 2014 by VFittipaldi