Child's Protection

[Kez/JWolf 6]

I did not attack you I asked you to expand on your question by asking you a question... as far as I can see it was not being nasty or attacking you...

Kez

[anya-D 8]

I find this topic interesting.. and yes i've read the other tread - but I dont think it's all related and that it's a taboo.. this things happen and how children effect from this rollercoster is something to think about... (aboues either physicly or emotionally)

I have no answer though... but i'm sure children will effect from broken relationship too... But I think the best thing you can do in the situation is talk to the children about what's going on and ensure that they will not be left out on what ever outcome will be..

Thanks, my english is not so good sometimes, so i'll try to be more clear: I meant that here on this site is taboo...from what i have read...to a point that the dramatic situations revealed here...were preoccupying and reflected more the interests of the adults...and not those of the kids...For the rest, you exactly understood what i was trying to say...also the fact that because we have no answser, tried to see if it's possible to to talk about...

My preoccupation still remains in regards with your statement to the fact they should "not be left out", as you put it so well...it's the chore of my concern...because this is abandonement...especially if the child is young...and for a long duration of time...In addition to the difficult process...if it lasts also, this is to me another addition to think more what a kid can bear to take...If it's too much for us, imagine for the kid...this is still not mentionned overall on here...Then, you answered...talking to the kid..yesssss.....thus, another question to debate maybe...: how to talk to the kid about the situation...

umm.. I dont know what to do becasue i've never been in that situation myself but have seen families that kids got effect by parents behavior...

I feel that sometimes kids though that it was their fault that their parents didnt get along and in the situation that it's their step dad or step mom fighting with their mom or dad... May be the conversation to the kids can be like - sorry this happen, why it happen, it's nobody fault especially not the kids fault, how's the future will be, asking for opinion...etc....

for what i mean "not be left out" actually means that they are inform of what's going on in their family (not abandon the child to somone else)

I remember when my parents had a fight, my mom would come to me later and explain what happen , why it happen and that she still love my dad very much and he's a good man but sometimes their opinion is different.. and that's what I think it's a good way to talk to the kids..

I've seen family that while the dad is deciplin the girl the mohter just came out and defend the girl and disregard everything the dad said and make him looks stupid.. and the girl have no respect for their parents especially ther dad.

and sorry my english is not good - tried my best to explain but it seems to go every where hope u understand though

Edited January 25, 2007 by anya-D

[knowledge 0]

Yes, exactly, your english is very knowledgeable ...i have to run, i'll come back later to answer!

[Fandango 1,440]

I think your English is quite nice & can rival any native-English speaker.

What is your primary language?

[nhbigfoot 0]

I find this topic interesting.. and yes i've read the other tread - but I dont think it's all related and that it's a taboo.. this things happen and how children effect from this rollercoster is something to think about... (aboues either physicly or emotionally)

I have no answer though... but i'm sure children will effect from broken relationship too... But I think the best thing you can do in the situation is talk to the children about what's going on and ensure that they will not be left out on what ever outcome will be..

Thanks, my english is not so good sometimes, so i'll try to be more clear: I meant that here on this site is taboo...from what i have read...to a point that the dramatic situations revealed here...were preoccupying and reflected more the interests of the adults...and not those of the kids...For the rest, you exactly understood what i was trying to say...also the fact that because we have no answser, tried to see if it's possible to to talk about...

My preoccupation still remains in regards with your statement to the fact they should "not be left out", as you put it so well...it's the chore of my concern...because this is abandonement...especially if the child is young...and for a long duration of time...In addition to the difficult process...if it lasts also, this is to me another addition to think more what a kid can bear to take...If it's too much for us, imagine for the kid...this is still not mentionned overall on here...Then, you answered...talking to the kid..yesssss.....thus, another question to debate maybe...: how to talk to the kid about the situation...

umm.. I dont know what to do becasue i've never been in that situation myself but have seen families that kids got effect by parents behavior...

I feel that sometimes kids though that it was their fault that their parents didnt get along and in the situation that it's their step dad or step mom fighting with their mom or dad... May be the conversation to the kids can be like - sorry this happen, why it happen, it's nobody fault especially not the kids fault, how's the future will be, asking for opinion...etc....

for what i mean "not be left out" actually means that they are inform of what's going on in their family (not abandon the child to somone else)

I remember when my parents had a fight, my mom would come to me later and explain what happen , why it happen and that she still love my dad very much and he's a good man but sometimes their opinion is different.. and that's what I think it's a good way to talk to the kids..

I've seen family that while the dad is deciplin the girl the mohter just came out and defend the girl and disregard everything the dad said and make him looks stupid.. and the girl have no respect for their parents especially ther dad.

and sorry my english is not good - tried my best to explain but it seems to go every where hope u understand though

Finally someone read the original question, understood it, and is dialoguing. Thanks Anya.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I know we CAN/MAY(whatever) talk about whatever we want on any thread, etc etc. (before that gets brought up!) but I was just wondering (as soon as I read the first post) why we have to have discussions about abuse on an immigration message board....only because...it's not like a member has come and posted that they are being/have been abused etc.... why the "obsession" (for lack of a better word coming to mind at moment) with abuse?? In Laura's thread it was brought up instantly because she was having trouble (as most know who are posting here) and then now a separate post for it?

I understand if someone were to be having issues, but why are we even discussing it right now? boredom? (ok then...I get that I guess..?) Dunno..guess I just don't see why you're so focused on it.... M.

[Fandango 1,440]

I know we CAN/MAY(whatever) talk about whatever we want on any thread, etc etc. (before that gets brought up!) but I was just wondering (as soon as I read the first post) why we have to have discussions about abuse on an immigration message board....only because...it's not like a member has come and posted that they are being/have been abused etc.... why the "obsession" (for lack of a better word coming to mind at moment) with abuse?? In Laura's thread it was brought up instantly because she was having trouble (as most know who are posting here) and then now a separate post for it?

I understand if someone were to be having issues, but why are we even discussing it right now? boredom? (ok then...I get that I guess..?) Dunno..guess I just don't see why you're so focused on it.... M.

Laura's thread was riddled with spousal and child abuse allegations FROM the OP of this very thread.

Ridiculous!

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

I know we CAN/MAY(whatever) talk about whatever we want on any thread, etc etc. (before that gets brought up!) but I was just wondering (as soon as I read the first post) why we have to have discussions about abuse on an immigration message board....only because...it's not like a member has come and posted that they are being/have been abused etc.... why the "obsession" (for lack of a better word coming to mind at moment) with abuse?? In Laura's thread it was brought up instantly because she was having trouble (as most know who are posting here) and then now a separate post for it?

I understand if someone were to be having issues, but why are we even discussing it right now? boredom? (ok then...I get that I guess..?) Dunno..guess I just don't see why you're so focused on it.... M.

Laura's thread was riddled with spousal and child abuse allegations FROM the OP of this very thread.

Ridiculous!

The OP has pointed out they have done studies on this, so maybe they are proud of what they have learned. This is all fine and dandy, but taking what she/he knows or thinks they know and attempting to apply it to every situation is............."Ridiculous"! This is like a podiatrist suggesting a person with a cough must have foot fungus.

I believe Laura came back and responded in her thread (that this one seems to be related to) and clarified the accusations were false and un-called for.

[Fandango 1,440]

I know we CAN/MAY(whatever) talk about whatever we want on any thread, etc etc. (before that gets brought up!) but I was just wondering (as soon as I read the first post) why we have to have discussions about abuse on an immigration message board....only because...it's not like a member has come and posted that they are being/have been abused etc.... why the "obsession" (for lack of a better word coming to mind at moment) with abuse?? In Laura's thread it was brought up instantly because she was having trouble (as most know who are posting here) and then now a separate post for it?

I understand if someone were to be having issues, but why are we even discussing it right now? boredom? (ok then...I get that I guess..?) Dunno..guess I just don't see why you're so focused on it.... M.

Laura's thread was riddled with spousal and child abuse allegations FROM the OP of this very thread.

Ridiculous!

The OP has pointed out they have done studies on this, so maybe they are proud of what they have learned. This is all fine and dandy, but taking what she/he knows or thinks they know and attempting to apply it to every situation is............."Ridiculous"! This is like a podiatrist suggesting a person with a cough must have foot fungus.

I believe Laura came back and responded in her thread (that this one seems to be related to) and clarified the accusations were false and un-called for.

Yes she did...after the OP took the old 'my foreign spouse is having troubles adjusting' problem and used it to cast aspersions on Ian's character...repeatedly saying he was an abuser.

Completely uncool.

And now lookit how OP wigged out on Kezzie when K just asked simple questions and stated that she didn't think anything was taboo....methinks the OP is wanting some sort of sinister clandestine issue to 'unveil'...but just like Geraldo unearthing Al Capone's vault, it's turned into much ado about nothing.

Edited January 29, 2007 by LisaD

[anya-D 8]

I know we CAN/MAY(whatever) talk about whatever we want on any thread, etc etc. (before that gets brought up!) but I was just wondering (as soon as I read the first post) why we have to have discussions about abuse on an immigration message board....only because...it's not like a member has come and posted that they are being/have been abused etc.... why the "obsession" (for lack of a better word coming to mind at moment) with abuse?? In Laura's thread it was brought up instantly because she was having trouble (as most know who are posting here) and then now a separate post for it?

I understand if someone were to be having issues, but why are we even discussing it right now? boredom? (ok then...I get that I guess..?) Dunno..guess I just don't see why you're so focused on it.... M.

I watched too much Nanny 911 and heard too many bad stories from my fellow aupairs but i dont know why on immigration forum either though.. but i answer anyway

[meauxna 15]

knowledge, you know we've chatted here before, but I do not understand your question as it was first put. I actually don't understand what the question is right now. That is not an attack. That is me saying I had a hard time understanding what your question is/was also.

In general, my requests:

If you're (all) going to have a thread about another thread, link to that thread so everyone knows what you're talking about.

If you (all) have a problem with the moral behavior of someone from VJ, in real life, send them a personal message or email; do not dance around and make comments about others out in public, lobbying for support.

Finally, for your (all) own sanity and that of others, why not try to refrain from having moralistic discussions on VJ; you're sure to offend SOMEone otherwise***. How about sticking to FACT based discussions of US family immmigration?

For discussions about the impact of blended families on children, I recommend www.DrLaura.com

***diclaimer: I have had moralistic discussions on VJ in the past. Not as pure as the driven snow, here.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I know we CAN/MAY(whatever) talk about whatever we want on any thread, etc etc. (before that gets brought up!) but I was just wondering (as soon as I read the first post) why we have to have discussions about abuse on an immigration it's not lmessage board....only because...its not like a member has come and posted that they are being/have been abused etc.... why the "obsession" (for lack of a better word coming to mind at moment) with abuse?? In Laura's thread it was brought up instantly because she was having trouble (as most know who are posting here) and then now a separate post for it?

I understand if someone were to be having issues, but why are we even discussing it right now? boredom? (ok then...I get that I guess..?) Dunno..guess I just don't see why you're so focused on it.... M.

Laura's thread was riddled with spousal and child abuse allegations FROM the OP of this very thread.

Ridiculous!

Hey...I'm not quite sure what ya meant...but that's basically exactly what I was saying in a much more round about way....I was just wondering...why all the obsession with (speaking about the OP) someone being abused all of sudden when there's been no indication of that from anyone??? (at least not anyone on this board unless maybe in this particular forum and then they've come right out and said so,not beat around the bush about it!) Yeah..I remember Laura's thread and the OP's comments...that, too, is exactly what I was getting at. The assumption that she must be being abused is just as ridiculous as starting a thread about it here...and whether we think it's TABOO or not?? What the heck does that mean? What we think about it? Ummmmm...*scratches head* Yeah...probably think it's not good. I mean, I dunno...I just didn't get it. Anyway, whatever..doesn't matter much. M.

[Fandango 1,440]

just piggybacking your thought to post my disgust at what happened in the other thread, Michelle...don't get yer panties in a knot

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Errrrm.......yeah, ok then.

*quickly sneaks a look about, unknots panties, and hopes nobody notices*

[knowledge 0]

knowledge, you know we've chatted here before, but I do not understand your question as it was first put. I actually don't understand what the question is right now. That is not an attack. That is me saying I had a hard time understanding what your question is/was also.

In general, my requests:

If you're (all) going to have a thread about another thread, link to that thread so everyone knows what you're talking about.

If you (all) have a problem with the moral behavior of someone from VJ, in real life, send them a personal message or email; do not dance around and make comments about others out in public, lobbying for support.

Finally, for your (all) own sanity and that of others, why not try to refrain from having moralistic discussions on VJ; you're sure to offend SOMEone otherwise***. How about sticking to FACT based discussions of US family immmigration?

For discussions about the impact of blended families on children, I recommend www.DrLaura.com

***diclaimer: I have had moralistic discussions on VJ in the past. Not as pure as the driven snow, here.

Meauxna, i have no problem to explain to you..1st, i agree to all your rules of posting...but they are ideal, and it's not what's happening...if there is no moderator, ...so, once they are put in public here are my thoughts.: i could not explain, because if reading all the coments which were negative, as a sensitive subject, was not possible to do so. But, if you read that thread carefully, i have asked a question, repeeatedly...not imagining stuff....I was not the only one to be suspicious, if my question-s were so, and, i believe that:

if somebody puts a worried thread on here, we, as citizens in good faith, have the right to question...

I strongly belive that people have to think what they are writing on here and, if the situation is difficult, stop venting...and or, take the consequences of their words...and come and answer the questions, instead of dissapearing. As many have brought that thread on here, which i have not (and i'll explain here exactly why.). ...i still when i read it few days ago...did not have answer to my question...so, be it. But, i have noticed, that all of a sudden, and after all that...was mentioned there that the situation got so wonderful and perfect...so fast...hm!!!...strange, when the OP mentionned that that went on for quite some time...

To explain my parenthesis here...this thread is NOT about people, but about situations..about cases.(so, in my opinion, i have not brought that thread here, they have brought it here with personal names, etc...I wonder, actually that this point is brought so much on here, if these people are real professionals...as they overall on here let it know.....i seriously doubt: once in the work place somebody, in a conflict, attacks personally, is not at ALL professional...)...this for me is called, from a methodoligical point, ethics of relationship. Do we have split personalities, on here and in real, professional life?...if it doesn't flatter the ego?...seducing with siroupy words...Hm! hm!

Now, some examples that preoccupied me before the hysteria nation took it's wonderful, tribal position lol...:

24 months to be absent to young kids...and then, being sooo busy with work, again, implying that again, the time with the kids has not been spent...(can anyone do the maths of how long those kids did not spent with their mother???) it's in my opinion, something to point ...But, It's not my responsability anymore, if, people do not want to talk about this exact point, brought on here, NOT by me, but by an overwhelemed mother...It's one thing to point out, another to attack..as many many have done here, and, strangegly they have kids...denied the point, posted stuff to make those few who pointed it to shut up...Very interesting behaviour...what's the name of it?

Other situations (that was not the only one, maybe the one that put the last straw on because before that thread, i was quite disturbed by some other situations involving kids, and i must add, one after the other): a lady, again very worried, wrote on here: pregnant by a gent who got his GC; that gent came here on a petition (which type?, was he involved whith another lady, while he was putting another one (the one who posted worried) pregnant?...The only interest in that post was that the gent put on his GC application that he was "single"...so, involved with 1 lady (not official) and maybe another one, but still he worte "single"...Officially this is wrong, right?..But, my point is psychologically: is a child to be born on this foundation? : a big lie...putting in trouble that pregnant lady and who know who else..including himself...

Third situation: a lost soul on here since months...saying he was illegal...overstaying, whatever, now, willing to marry a lady on welfare with kids..(2, 3?? each from maybe different fathers)...his question was: would she have the enough money to be the sponsor?...overall all his posts were so confusing and contradictiory...and going on and on...Then again, just advice of what to do has been given on here by really serious and articulate people months ago, he didn't do nothing about it..and, came back with the same question...Ok, this is adult games...but again...it's shocking...nobody was saying anything about those kids..involved in such crazy situations...Remember, we here, on this site, read a lot of sensitive and difficult situations...I have the right to be shocked, disturbed, and say it...Those people who come and vent forget that, some of us who truly want to help, read a lot of this type of stuff...i was wrong...Internet has a diseaze, we know it by now...and imagine in addition on this type of site..

I really have enough to explain myself on here...many have also left this site because of immaturity and multiplications of questions that make no more sens...what is that my point related to the kids...is so crazy??...i doubt it...and i have not to explain myself anymore...i know what i'm saying...even if i'.m not so good in english...!!!...and that is consistent...

I know we, as humans, are not perfect...but at least, we can take a bit of time in this crazy world, to think about our words, and be more responsible..instead of playing ego games...with these types of subjects...just because we can not fix stuff in the real life...We can not change the world, but we can change little things...even if what is said, we do not agree all the time...I'm not so used with internet stuff, i just wanted to see if some deep stuff can be developped, obviously not...people need to regress and Internet is the place...so i learned in this process...we certainly on here can not grow up...and make obstacles to those who try to say something important...all attaking or authorize to say others to shut up...on a few...seems to me we are still on here at a tribal state of mind...

AnyaD, thanks for your genuine input...and ideal work with kids...my point was mostly related to how people come on here to bring their problems, as only obviously to vent, but not really solve..if the issue is more serious...

For those who denied that abuses might take place everywhere, i strongly believe that if I decided to bring on here this subject, isjustly because that word was mentionned on this thread...if you care to read the title...

I let you with those words, not hoping you'll want to understand anything: from a book, a chapter titled: "Juliette or Enlightement and Morality" which ends with these words: "Where do your greatest dangers lie? was the question Nietzsche once posed himself, and answered thus: "In compassion". With this denial he redeemed the unshakable confidence in man that is constantly betrayed by every form of assurance that seeks only to console".

I believe that the betrayal in all these denials , is not to betray the other, vulnerable, etc., is ourselves we betray, in what is a child in ourself, what is our feminity, poesy in ourselves...to be able to really console ourselves...As adults, we truly run away from ourselves...

BTW, this excerpt is from a book whose title goes like this: "Excremential culture"...

A kid has to be more respected than anything else nowdays...and, certainly I have no problem to stick to whatever word i have written on here...and, if i touched, at least 1 person, this is ALL that counts to me...and not thinking i have truly waste my time on here...as i have certainly more constructive stuff to do...and also learned a lot form this thread

Cheers, and have a good day!