Struggling to find good friends

[laje 2]

I'm in the opposite situation..I'm from the US but I've been living in Argentina five years.

It IS hard to make friends in new cultures. Like someone said above, it's just the reality of the situation... and it's hard. Culture shock appears where you least expect it. You know to brace yourself for the big differences, but it's the subtleties that can cause homesickness.

Finding other Brit expats will help, or people that have similar interests. i've heard that meetup.com is a good place to start.

[slangofoil 50]

As someone else said it's just plain hard making adult friends. Earlier in life you have plenty of situations to make new friends, but as you get older I think it gets harder. I'm the American and live only an hour away from where I grew up, but I'm lonely too! I'm only close with one friend from high school and one from college, and they are an hour away and an hour and a half, respectively. I've tried to meet other people through meetup groups, but haven't had much luck. Now with a baby it's even harder. Even "mommy" groups haven't panned out for me. If foreigners find it even harder than me I really feel for you!

Ironically, my husband has made way more friends since coming over than I have, but he works in an Irish bar, so he has "connections" right off the bat, and meets really sociable people while working there as well.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

OP, give yourself time and a lot of patience. I know it's hard to even have a conversation at times when you pop a slang word in without thinking, and the other party is left puzzled. I met three Australians in my city, and it was like a bit of sun on a grey day. I do try to socialise with Americans and do so on a regular basis - to learn and grow - but those Aussies are my "sanity boosters." Find y'self some Brits. It'll do a world of good.

Agree 100% with this, it's important to make American friends and not exist in an expat only group but fellow expats will definitely keep you sane. I had a British friend visit from DC this week and it was great to catch up with a fellow Brit and moan about how sugary the bread is here and praise the relative lack of rain.

[cappucino boy 29]

I'm a American born and raised and have been many places and agree that most conversations here between strangers are superficial and asking "What do you do?" often is the only opener some people can come up with to start a conversation....but lets all face it you have to start somewhere. I think it's what you do after that initial ice breaker that becomes important. That said, I too will agree that many Americans put too much emphasis in how a person is employed, (what you do), and the about of a persons net worth. Personally I like to find out what a persons passion is, where and what they do when they aren't working. I can see some peoples passions right here and it's Visa Journey , which is a worth while passion for them and other people here. Getting back to the OP posting I think she was expressing more about how she's feeling about her situation as opposed to how to start a conversation....

I would second Harpa. I find Americans enjoy superficial conversation. No, that's not an insult. I like Americans. I live here. I married one. We recently moved to Texas, and I can say that my experience has been much the same in the south as it was up north. Very family orientated people who like to catch up on the weather and the ball game scores. Not my cuppa tea, but I have learned to participate.

OP, give yourself time and a lot of patience. I know it's hard to even have a conversation at times when you pop a slang word in without thinking, and the other party is left puzzled. I met three Australians in my city, and it was like a bit of sun on a grey day. I do try to socialise with Americans and do so on a regular basis - to learn and grow - but those Aussies are my "sanity boosters." Find y'self some Brits. It'll do a world of good.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

I'm struggling to find good friends in California, I miss the realness of English people and it doesn't help that I just returned from a week spent with friends and family, feel like il never find socialising with Americans as easy as socialising with Brits. I've been here 8 months and I know in the grand scheme of things that isn't a huge amount of time but it's a long time to feel without friends

I am in California. Which part of it are you living in? Los Angeles? send me a message and let's get to know each other. It is always nice to have someone to talk to who has been through visa journey.

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

Hi Cam,

Do you want to meet up? I'm in touch with someone else who lives in L.A., 'Perdita'. Perhaps we could all meet up

for a coffee? 'PM' me if you're interested.

This offer goes out to other like minded souls!

Redflame

:thumbs: :thumbs:

[LiliBurd 85]

Lol so what is so awful about asking what someone does for a living? Up in the big country north of the United States of America it is common to start a conversation with a stranger asking 'What they do for a living'. It is not a matter of 'judging' them... but more so a simple way to start a conversation and see if someone is interesting enough to be worth continuing this conversation. I have had many conversation with Americans and Canadians and it never only revolved around work or social standing. If someone feels that work and basic facts of life are the only things that interest most people around them they may reconsider the image they portray and work on their own social skills.

Making new friends is a matter of finding someone that has values and interest similar to your own... I really don't care if someone is a janitor or a rocket scientist as long as they are interesting and fun and bring something positive to my life I'll give them a chance in developing a friendship. OP I wish you the best, I'm sure it's difficult to adjust to a different culture. What about your spouses friends? Don't you have things in common with them? Don't be afraid to put yourself out there, no matter where you live you want people to like you for you.

Best of luck hun!

Edited September 6, 2014 by LiliBurd

[TBoneTX 46,137]

Fourteen posts have been removed from this thread for the following reasons: borderline or actual stereotyping; insulting, belittling, mocking, and talking down to other participants; derailing the thread; bickering; unnecessary sarcasm; open rudeness; and quotes of these comments.

Several of the removed posts were unquestionable violations of the VisaJourney Terms of Service, chiefly this tenet:

"Make comments in a Post either direct or implied toward another member that are purposely designed to upset, antagonize, make fun of, belittle, harass, insult, or otherwise instigate an argument that takes away from the personal enjoyment of the Service by other users."

Two participants in particular risk a thread-ban or worse if such inappropriate posting behavior continues. Their typical posts elsewhere are largely very helpful and supportive, so no administrative action beyond removal of the inappropriate posts is being taken at this time.

Two additional posts have been edited and are returned to the thread as follows:

Opening text edited out - VJ Moderation

A conversation takes two people, so they are 50% of the problem. One person can always change the direction of a conversation, and one person can always ask open ended questions if they feel the person they are talking to isn't responding in the way they want.

Edited [O]ut of 317.9+ Million people in the US, I assure you there are PLENTY and PLENTY of great people who would love to know all about you and where you're from and what its like in Europe, and if they ask what you do, it's probably because they are curious if you live here or are doing work because most foreigners working legally in the states have pretty neat jobs in my opinion. Also, what do you do could mean they are asking about your hobbies, what you do to keep you occupied, it's a vague question. Subsequent text removed - VJ Moderation

Opening text edited out - VJ Moderation

OP: another thing my husband noted, actually when talking to his brother, who's visiting, is that it's really nice to have just a few "home" things around, especially food. (Although if he thinks I'm sharing the Tim Tams, he's ###### nuts.)

Another thing, as dumb as it might be, is looking for a group that does things you're interested in, and joining? Reading, knitting, Whovians, whatever. As others have noted, making friends as adults can be really hard, so it's necessary to throw yourself into situations where you'll find people with at least some similar starting interests.

Thanks for everyone's awareness of the Terms of Service and of common courtesy toward one another.

TBoneTX

VJ Moderation

---

(Moderator hat off)

Cam, I encourage you in the strongest possible terms to attend the proposed VJ get-together, wherever and whenever it's scheduled. Move mountains to get there. Afterwards, you'll understand precisely why it was wise and valuable to attend.

Edited to add: Not sure what your work situation is; if you're not working and are typically stuck in the house, see this post for some ideas:

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/344679-what-r-the-options-for-us/?p=5079320

In addition, you can research and call the nearest colleges and universities to learn about special-interest groups. There might be British or general immigrant groups that you could ask to attend as a short-term guest, or you could simply talk with the group coordinator (by phone) to explain your situation and ask for contacts and options.

Edited again to add:

Mrs. T-B. had been to the U.S. before, but she became exceptionally homesick once she was here "permanently." One early thing that I did really paid off. On Mrs. T-B.'s very second Sunday here, I dropped her at a Spanish-language church service and waited to pick her up when it was due to let out. She emerged quite late, bubbling with happiness, and introduced me to some people whom she'd met. I took her back there a couple more times until she'd developed a nice network of acquaintances.

Of note, none of those direct contacts endured, but she made connections through those people, and I think that a few of her current friends directly evolved "many times removed" from those first days.

The member in this thread who suggested availing yourself of church opportunities has an excellent point. You know up-front that the attendees will not be shady people. Mrs. T-B. isn't religious, and you might not be, either; the social aspect is the chief thing, and for us it was a highly successful venture. If you find that you're shy around the people, talk to the pastor or even an usher. You'll find support.

Edited September 6, 2014 by TBoneTX

[Cam54 84]

I am working but I work in a very stressful negative environment so it's not somewhere u can really make friends and iv noticed that people that have worked together there for 5+ years are still not friends or really know much about eachother . Do plan on finding new job tho so maybe thatl help. Also isn't helping that I don't enjoy my husbands friends company, they're all only interested in drinking and video games and although I like to occasionally drink it isn't a big part of my life. Not all his friends are like that ofcourse but the ones who instigate the meet ups are and even if I try and just organise stuff with the more mature friends they'll invite themselves and turn it into a drinkin thing

I agree with you all that I should join a group, not religious though as I'm not remotely religious. Just need to figure out what group I'd enjoy going to and where I might meet like minded people

[elle13 15]

Well this thread took a very bizarre turn...

Cam why don't you join us for a little weekend meet up over coffee in LA? If you don't fancy making the long trip and want something local, I wonder if classes might be a good idea? Something that you've been wanting to learn, like a new language, pastry making or a new sport. I've met some lovely people that way and the main activity takes the pressure off the socializing element.

[Cam54 84]

Would be nice to meet up with u all, still need to find some local friends too but be nice if I had people I felt were friends as close as LA n it's only like 90 mins drive I guess

[Cam54 84]

Also yeh this topic went a bit crazy lol but I wana add that sometimes stereotyping is natural, us Brits can be a moany bunch which is a stereotype and that's not an insult just an observation, just like American conversation at first can be a little superficial.

[TBoneTX 46,137]

A 90-minute drive is like a mini-vacation. Go meet your new friends-to-be. Instruct the chauffeur, "Ever onward, Jeeves."

[Redflame2012 32]

Thank you to everyone who responded. Next week I'll 'PM' peeps with the location and date of our first meetup.

If anyone else is interested, please contact me.

Redflame

[cappucino boy 29]

Thank you to everyone who responded. Next week I'll 'PM' peeps with the location and date of our first meetup.

If anyone else is interested, please contact me.

Redflame

Redflame,

Can you include me in the message as to the details of the meeting?