Canadian Funnies

[Marilyn. 340]

You Know You're Canadian When:

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color.

You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You know what a toque is.

You've plugged a car in overnight.

You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.

# You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

# The mosquitoes have landing lights.

# You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

# Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

# You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

# You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

# Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

# You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

# The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

# At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

# The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

# Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

# You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

# You head south to go to your cottage.

# You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

# You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

# The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

# You find -40C a little chilly.

# The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

# You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

# You can play road hockey on skates.

# You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

# The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

* You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss Hockey Night.

* You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.

* You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.

* You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."

* You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.

* You know that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) don't always look like that.

* You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.

* You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea. crying.gif

* You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".

* You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.

* You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.

* You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.

* You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"

* You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.

* You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.

* You participate in Participaction!

* You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.

* You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.

* You think Peter Kent is sexy.

* You think Matt Damon is so-so.

* You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

* You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

* You think Great Big Sea isn't Atlantic-centric enough.

* Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on (and you always have room for more).

* You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.

* You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.

* You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

* You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.

* You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.

* You think Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.

* You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.

* You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".

* You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.

* You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

* You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.

* You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.

* You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.

* You think -10 C is mild weather.

* You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.

* You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).

* You know the ingredients for poutine.

* You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.

* You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.

* You substitute beer for water when cooking.

* You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.

* You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner is 'add more milk.'

* You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' - a.k.a. 'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'.

* You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz" and are particularly fond of the 'burling down and down' bit.

* You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Développement des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top.

* You have daydreams that film-maker Don McKellar, and Hugh Dillon from The Headstones, skinned and ate Regis Philbin.

* You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM.

* Your gravy boat is shaped like the Bluenose.

* You refuse to consume chocolate that doesn't come in either Smarties, Coffee Crisp, or Laura Secord format.

* You die a little inside if you can't get your Tim's double-double every morning. whistling.gif

* You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes.

* Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.

* You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize.

* You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.

* You know who Foster Hewitt is.

* You're either out to bingo or getting stinko (and you think no more of Inco) on a Sudbury Saturday night.

* You've actually said, "Stay where yer at, 'till I gets where yer to."

* You pity people who haven't tasted a "beavertail".

* Complete the phrase: "The good old ____ game is the best ____ you can ____."

* You've got some rocks and you've got to leave an important message -- Lucky you know how to build an innukshuk!

* You have at least one ROOTS sweatshirt that always smells like cigarettes and beer.

* You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners. (Bonus points if your collected snippy-things are stuck to your fridge.) laughing.gif yes.gif

* You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"

* Your Saturday nights in the Atlantic provinces include eating beans and brown bread as you watch Hockey Night in Canada.

* You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair.

* You know that, contrary to general belief, the Inuit have about the same amount of words for snow as do English speakers. Your favourite Inuit word for 'snow' is "navcaq" (snow formation about to collapse).

* Your local zoo is mainly flamingoes, giraffes and sad elephants freezing their asses off against a backdrop of pine trees, grey skies, and precambrian shield formations.

* You wonder why squirrels and seagulls somehow manage to get in every zoo exhibit (including the parking lot and squirrel and seagull exhibits).

* You live in a "beach town" and have to eat your brothers and sisters to stay alive during the winter months.

* You're such a hardcore Canadian punk you used ketchup-flavoured potato chip 'residue' to dye your hair. You know it's kind of gross, but at least you smell good.

* You don't consider a date truly romantic until you've slow danced to Blue Rodeo's "Five Days in May". You accept "Lost Together" as a second option.

* You're not offended by the term "** MILK"

* You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

* You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

* You drink Pop, not Soda.

* You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"

* You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays (not vacation), with good cigars and no Americans.

* You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway

* You drive on a highway, not a freeway

* You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

* You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died. crying.gif

* You brag to Americans: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians. yes.gif

* You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

* You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"

* You know that the four seasons means: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road work/construction.

* You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

* You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

* You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"

* You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."

* You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

* "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"

* You call it a BUN not a "Roll"

* Its called a WASHROOM not a lavatory or powder room or rest room.

* You've ever had your tongue frozen to something.

* You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.

* You head south to go to your cottage.

* You know which leaves make for good toilet paper.

* The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo, it's sausage making.

* You attend a formal in your best clothes, your finest jeweler and your Sorrels.

* You can play road hockey on skates.

You Know You're Canadian If...

In a restauant, you've apologized for not being ready to order at the waiter's convenience.

Strangers that you overhear doing Kids in the Halls impressions quickly become bosom buddies.

The theme from The Littlest Hobo still gets you a little misty eyed. (I loved that show)

You can choose between 5 and 10 pin bowling

You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if The Devil's Advocates made fun of you.

You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.

You may be a little too Canadian if...

* You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.

* You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.

* You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a word...",

* "One day we have tar paper roof!" and "Kanata".

* You advocate the abolition of responsible government in favour of monarchist rule.

* You think there isn't enough Queen on our currency.

* Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.

* You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

* You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

* You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs".

* You are moved to tears by those Bell Canada phone commercials they show around Remembrance Day, where the grandson calls his granddad from Dieppe. You understand the manipulative nature of the advertisement, but continue to be moved, nonetheless.

* You stay up until midnight (the end of some television station broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.

* You get up at 5:00 am (the beginning of broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.

* You spit angrily when Americans say "ruff" instead of the correct "roof".

* When abroad, you have a cold fear that somebody might mistake you for an American. You make a point of deliberately being kind to locals just to make it clear you are a Canadian.

You are too Canadian if...

* You've ever said, 'I need more flannel clothing.'

* You understand everything in this list, and email it to all your friends.

* You read rather than scanned this list.

[Marilyn. 340]

Q: How do you get the Canadian paparazzi off your front lawn?

A: You say "Please get off my front lawn."

_____________________________________________________

Q : What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?

A : Sorry!

_____________________________________________________

Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)

New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Canadians plant gardens.

40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Canadians Sunbathe.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)

Italian Cars won't start

Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)

Distilled water freezes

Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)

New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.

Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)

Hollywood disintegrates.

Canadians rent some videos.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)

Mt. St. Helen's freezes.

Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole

Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)

Ethyl alcohol freezes.

Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)

Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.

Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)

Hell freezes over.

The Leafs win the Cup

______________________________________________________

1. How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to change the lightbulb, one to hold the ladder, one to read the directions out loud, one to remind everyone to "Be careful, eh," and one to keep the kids away from the light switch!

2. Why did the Canadian cross the road?

The sign said "walk"

3. What do you call a roll of nickels?

A Canadian bankroll!

4. What do you call a $5 roll of quarters?

Enough tips for a week!

5. Why do Canadians take the bus all the way to Reno just to visit K-Mart?

Because they can get $10 back on the ticket!

6. What’s the number one pick-up line in Canada?

"How’s your gas milage, eh?"

_____________________________________________________________

Different Canadian Driving Styles

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 40 km/hr in the fast lane with left blinker on: VICTORIA

One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging haed on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on brake and both feet being on accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terros: SASKATOON but driving in TORONTO

One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8-track playing "Share the Land," hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO

One hand one wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on acceleerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

hahahah I recognize a few of those from the 'you know you're from Wisconsin when...' list too!!

sooooooooooooooooo why IS killerwhaletank

funny anyway???

Edited January 31, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[smoochies 0]

OMG I just read ALL of that

killerwhaletank

[Sharon 1]

* You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners.

I'm reminded of the very first time that Rick visited me in Montreal and I opened the fridge to get milk for Alli. Rick, sitting at the table, takes a look at me pouring the milk, then glances around the kitchen then again back at the milk and says "What the fukc is that?"

sooooooooooooooooo why IS killerwhaletank

funny anyway???

You honestly don't know?

[almaty 19]

[Jasman0717 9]

[Cristy 4]

* You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners.

I'm reminded of the very first time that Rick visited me in Montreal and I opened the fridge to get milk for Alli. Rick, sitting at the table, takes a look at me pouring the milk, then glances around the kitchen then again back at the milk and says "What the fukc is that?"

sooooooooooooooooo why IS killerwhaletank

funny anyway???

You honestly don't know?

I am Canadian and have no clue.

[ceriserose 1]

* You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners.

I'm reminded of the very first time that Rick visited me in Montreal and I opened the fridge to get milk for Alli. Rick, sitting at the table, takes a look at me pouring the milk, then glances around the kitchen then again back at the milk and says "What the fukc is that?"

sooooooooooooooooo why IS killerwhaletank

funny anyway???

You honestly don't know?

I am Canadian and have no clue.

I am too and have no idea. And about 1/2 of that list didn't apply to me either. Damn.

[Sharon 1]

killerwhaletank = Something we Canadians do just to get everyone else wondering....lol.

How many here GOOGLED "killerwhaletank"?

[Sharon 1]

You Know You're Canadian When:

* You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"

OMG! Here's MINE! NO LIE!! hehehe I inherited it from my Mom!

* You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.

I used to really LIKE watching those ads.

* You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

Gratuit, Prix and Sucre Non-Additione

* You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.

Siiiiiiigh I miss The Beachcombers. Had a wicked crush on the Indian guy.

* You substitute beer for water when cooking. Well of course...tastes better, no?

* You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz" and are particularly fond of the 'burling down and down' bit.

Here's the WORDS and click the link at the bottom of THIS PAGE to hear the tune! I LOVED that song growing up! hehehe

* You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes.

* Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.

my inuit carving...since it didnt show before...lol

[Cristy 4]

killerwhaletank = Something we Canadians do just to get everyone else wondering....lol.

How many here GOOGLED "killerwhaletank"?

Nobody let me in on the joke.

[Marilyn. 340]

i found this.....

Killerwhaletank is a really famous live Hip monologue.

When you watch the Tragically Hip in concert, Gord Downie, the lead singer crazy guy, often breaks into a long poetic rant of some kind in an extended break of a song.

"Killerwhaletank" is one such monologue done frequently during 'New Orleans is Sinking'. Others include the Double Suicide monlogue, Frogman, etc.

But goes as follows:

"I had a job before this...I had a job before this...ultimately it was that job that led me into this..I worked at an aquarium, an aquarium with lots of money so it was hhuuuuuge!! I was a clean and scrub man; we called each other in the c&s union. I scrubbed the inside of the Killer Whale Tank. And after a while the boys in the c & s, the clean and scrub, we just made it sorta one word. 'The killerwhaletank'. The killerwhaletank unh, the killerwhale tank unh... I'm goin into the [pause] killerwhaletank! unhh!

I got along with these two big beasts so well it was like they knew me. They looked at me with thier hundred year old eyes and it was like the knew me. I'd put on my scuba gear my mask, my regulator and I'd fall into the tank with nary a sound, maybe a "ffft", and then I was underwater. Sometimes I'd jump out, right in front of the window. When people are expecting a killer whale and they see a human they get spooked! Spooked. Well anyways I'd do that.

But I was in the water this particular day, unbeknowst to me, Shamu, and Bartholomew, their relationship had gone stale. Seems I was going in there so much, and I was looking soooo good, Shamu took a shining to me. And they're so SMART those things ya know? They've got all these human emotions. Love, lust, GREED, hundred year old eye jealousy! Bartholomew...was livid! Unbeknowst to me- I can't hear a God damn thing underwater! He came up, he was bumping against me alot. That stale, killer whale, bumping up against someone so pale and frail. How was I supposed to know the killer whale relationship had gone stale?

Welllll......He brushes up to me a couple times, his skin's like sandpaper. I say, "Hey man, Bartholomew, what's up? What's goin on big fella? What is it? I don't want to steal your mommy and I sure don't want to take the place of your daddy. I only wanna be your friend." And he circled around I thought we were all patched up and I was scrubbing and he took my, he came and he, he came and he, he ripped, he ripped my left arm off. I mean, killer whales- they're beasts of the deep, they're quite docile and friendly in captivity but somewhere along the line, thousands of years of breeding just SNAPPED and he took my left arm off man. He took my left arm, my ****ing left arm. "What is it Bartholomew?" I asked him in a laguage he could understand as I came back...[Gord makes sounds like a killer whale, then launches back into the original song:]

Pale as a lightbulb..."

Killer Whale Tank

[Marilyn. 340]

Take this quiz... how much do you kow about CAnada?? Canadian Stereotypes Eh?

I got 14 out of 15

Here is another quiz..... A General Quiz On Canada

I got 9 out of 10 on this one

And another quiz.... Easy Canadian Facts

I got 10 out of 10

[mike&jie 0]