More of a rant than a question although advice is welcome

[LiliBurd 85]

Can I just say based on my personal experience dating in America that on average (and I know there are plenty of exceptions) American men, especially in their 20s, tend to mature at alarmingly slower rates than women. And you're right, 24 is young here in terms of maturity. I was never able to date anyone my own age for the exact reason you described; so many men here act like teenagers and it was just a waste of time. This is why when I met my now-fiance, I was blown away at his maturity, interests, priorities and respectfulness.

While being a part from one another is soooo difficult, I really think the old saying is true that distance makes the heart grow fonder. When you are finally together and seeing each other every single day, you tend to forget about how much you missed one another and that makes it easier to take having each other for granted. I know my fiance and I were guilty of this to some degree when we were living together initially. Seeing each other just becomes routine. The two most important things you can do are: 1) communicate properly and calmly, as everyone else has pointed out and 2) remind him as often as possible that you appreciate him and the fact that you don't have to be apart anymore. You can elaborate on that by telling him it hurts you when he's out getting loaded all night because you missed him so much, and you feel that he is taking having you and all of the sacrifices you have made to be with him for granted now that you are together.

I think the point that you know when to call it quits is when you think about not having him or being far away from him again and you don't feel like you would miss him. Marriage is difficult enough as it is, so adding a long distance or cultural differences to it can make it even harder. I'm sure you guys can work through it, though. And if you can't and he doesn't start to learn that he needs to respect you a lot more than he is and grow up, then he's not worth fighting over.

Well said!

[lizascissors 65]

I work full time but haven't hugely clicked with anyone at work, feel like if I had a close friend here I wouldn't be so dependent on my husband but he still shouldn't be doing this.

Join meetup.com, seriously. I moved to New York from Nebraska 2 years ago for graduate school and had a really rough time meeting new people and making friends. I joined a "New to Town People in their 20's" group and actually made a few really good friends out of it. It at least gave me something to do - and if I wanted to go to dinner or go see a movie, all I had to do was create an event and voila! People would show up so I didn't have to go alone.

Hang in there. It does sound like you guys may want to have a serious chat - it seems that you both have some adjusting to do and it'd be great if you could support each other through it. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Jawaree 717]

I dont get the feeling he's doing anything wrong, but

hanging out over friends & sleeping out leads to a lot

of things, this is also disrespectful for married man,

he is still trying to live a single life but when one takes

a life partner some things are unacceptable, telling him

how U feel on an arranged date night (no anger or accusatory

tone) would be a good idea....please always remember

every now and then there will be boys night out as each

individual has to develop their own few friends & a little space.

Now U my friend should meet new ppl at the library, work,

church, do some volunteering, take an enrichment course

or hobby & don't be angry about it all the time communicate &

things will be better if U are both in love, sleeping out is wrong

unless one is out of town, my wife says at 3 AM walking in meant

U slept out, I think that's fair and I don't stay out that late if she's

not with me

[raven52 233]

WHY..,.,in the world would a new husband be away from his "prized" wife after dark???????????????????

He is showing you no respect at all!

Give him an ultimatum, if he is out after dark, "runnning around" then so shall you! Find friends, go to the local bowling alley..,.,anywhere just to show him he cannot take advantage of you. He is really dis-respecting you! He is up to "no good!!" Believe me please, I did what he did years ago, this is all bad!

I am married to a Filipino, I would never even "dream of going out after dark without her"".,.,.,.,.never, ever!

UNLESS, this changes "quick.,.,.and I mean quick".,.,.,you are looking at divorce.,.,I hope you have your 2 yr. GC..,.,.,so you can stay.,,.,,but I do not know why you would want to stay in a country like this, ""THAT is in the worst shape it has been since Herbert Hoover was President".,,..,.,get what documents you need to be able to return if things change here, and get your citizenship.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO, get better.,.,.,only worse, he has no respect for you, please see it for what it is.,.,.get away from him!

What self respecting married woman lets her husband do as he is doing? Leave him.,.,.,.as others have posted, he is not a keeper.

[nobbie 105]

I dont get the feeling he's doing anything wrong, but

hanging out over friends & sleeping out leads to a lot

of things, this is also disrespectful for married man,

he is still trying to live a single life but when one takes

a life partner some things are unacceptable, telling him

how U feel on an arranged date night (no anger or accusatory

tone) would be a good idea....please always remember

every now and then there will be boys night out as each

individual has to develop their own few friends & a little space.

Now U my friend should meet new ppl at the library, work,

church, do some volunteering, take an enrichment course

or hobby & don't be angry about it all the time communicate &

things will be better if U are both in love, sleeping out is wrong

unless one is out of town, my wife says at 3 AM walking in meant

U slept out, I think that's fair and I don't stay out that late if she's

not with me

You don't think he's doing anything wrong!!! Blimey what would he have to do then.

Anyhow OP, I hope you sort this out but he's going to have to grow up quick.

It is difficult moving to the US, I came over last Oct and really don't like it very much, if this had happened to me I'd be long gone. My wife would not do that to me but that's by the by.

Everyone is different but staying out all night should be occasional and pre arranged.

All this stuff about making friends etc as suggested by some would help but it will not alter the fact that this bloke seems very selfish and needs to either change or you split up.

[NikLR 13,227]

Iv gotten upset at him alot for it over the last few months but he didn't really understand, but I completely broke down this morning and I think he finally got it and understood how serious I am. He said this is his first serious relationship n he hasn't really gotten used to havig someone rely on him so much yet but he's gona change. So time will tell. He's a good person he just struggles to get it right unless I specifically tell him what I want from the relationship . When I wouldn't talk to him this morning he thought it was just cos he'd gone out without me, hadn't even occurred to him that I was upset because he hadn't the decency to tell me he weren't coming home. Problem is when we were dating we were both at college! So this lifestyle was a lot more acceptable but I assumed when we married 2 years after finishing college wed have a more mature lifestyle but iv felt like im dragging him into maturity. His friends have girlfriends but they pull the same cr*p on them so that's all my husband sees.

Im glad you guys had a talk. Really it is all about communication. Without you saying, I feel alone and I want to go home because of this reason he can't possibly know why you are upset or how upset you are about it.

Hopefully he will put the effort in and you two can come up with a plan. Maybe if he's out drinking with buddies you can go pick him up since the last thing you want is a drunk husband trying to drive home. Maybe he can cut down on his drinking and guys nights out since he's married and has a wife to come home to now.

Collaboration is the key to a happy healthy marriage. Find something where everyone is happy. It likely means you may have to find something yourself too like volunteering, join a club, take a class for dance or fitness or art, find a new hobby, etc... Spend some time on you so you aren't reliant on someone else. You were self reliant before right? You can do it again!

Wishing you both all the best. Keep up the communication!

[Mohamed&Laura 5]

Why be with a drunk, selfish guy? Be glad no kids are involved and mark it up to experience. His behavior has NOTHING to do with you. He is not husband material. He is a loser.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

When you get married, you have to give up certain things. Of course, you gain a lot too, so it's not all negative. But, you give up dating other people. You give up a totally selfish existence. No matter how "cool" the marriage is, there is no way to erase the fact that by being married a person now has a responsibility to another person. A married person has to think about their spouse, consider their spouse, make a life with their spouse. Ignoring them, drinking with old single buddies, sleeping away from home, and never thinking to give a call to one's wife, is not responsible or considerate. It is purely selfish. Of course, many married people still hang out with their old friends, they have guys' nights (or girls' nights) and have fun. But there has to be a limit, because the person is now married. Things change, and that is scary, but that is life. The married person now has a family, and not a stand-in parent who they can sass and ignore like a teenager, but a new family that they have to cherish and care for, like a responsible person.

Add to all of this that the new family moved from a different country to be here, then I think the US person has an added responsibility to spend time with that person on days off, to plan fun days and to live their life together. If you only have one day off together, that should be a long date day, I would think, especially for newlyweds. That should be the day where you sleep in and eat brunch together and go explore something and make memories. Where you unwind from the workweek and remind yourselves why you wanted to be together.

I am not sure why this guy ever thought that life wouldn't change when he got married, that he could disappear overnight and that his wife wouldn't wonder or care, but he was wrong. For your part, I assume you didn't tell him right away that it was not okay, and I understand that, because I imagine you wanted to be a "cool" non-pressuring wife. But now he doesn't understand why it's wrong, and he is probably wondering what changed.

But things changed when he decided to get married. I am sure he still loves you, but it seems to me he is taking you for granted and thinking that he gets everything he wants, all the buddy time he wants, all the wife time he wants. But you are a person, not a thing that appears or disappears when convenient, and that is life. That is what he signed up for when he married you.

Talk to him, try to explain very clearly what is wrong about the situation. Hopefully he understands an is willing to start a life together, with you. Best of luck.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Why be with a drunk, selfish guy? Be glad no kids are involved and mark it up to experience. His behavior has NOTHING to do with you. He is not husband material. He is a loser.

Wow no wonder the divorce rate is so high if people give up on their marriages so easily.

The OP has invested a huge amount into this relationship and she has had a talk with her husband and told him how she feels about his admittedly selfish behaviour and hopefully he will get the message and act in a more mature manner. If not then that's a different story and obviously she should reconsider but they are still newlyweds! Calling her husband a loser and telling her to walk away and mark it up to experience without giving him a chance to change because he is still acting like a college kid is ridiculous.

[NikLR 13,227]

I agree with Hotter Otter. People sure are quick to condem, call names, and vote for leaving. What ever happened to working through your problems?

[derrickmichille 55]

I agree as well that's why is sooooo important to know what you are getting into before you decide to move to a whole different country with someone you may or may not know.

There is no way I would decide to do what I am doing with who I am doing it with if I did not know who she was. I made my duty to know her and know her well. I asked and searched, talk to family members and friends.

This is very serious, its marriage which is can be difficult on its own, but throw in cultural diffrences misunderstandings, and the fact you don't know each other well, its going to be difficult.

Do I know her, I mean all of her, of course not, that takes time, but I know if she drinks, do drugs, or if she is irresponsible, immature or mean lol!! I made it my important businesses to know the woman I will most likely spend the rest of my life with and become the mother of my son.

This is no joke this is very serious stuff. So I say to all going through this process please please take the time to know what you are getting into, that goes to the petitioner or the beneficiary.

I love Michille sooooo much because I know the good and I know the bad, and I still want her for my life partner and she loves and know me just as much or possibly even more!!!

Edited August 11, 2014 by derrickmichille

[Cam54 84]

My biggest problem was I made assumptions , I assumed the wild nights out were because he was at college and then after college I assumed it was just him getting it out of his system. I assumed when we married I would become more important than his friends, my advice to other people is never assume, talk it through. And to those who are saying leave the loser, besides this flaw my husband is a lovely kind person who I trust completely, he's just someone who struggles to relate and needs to be told a woman's expectations rather than figuring them out on his own. We are newlyweds and this is a learning curve. And thanks to hotter otter and harpa, you both made your points really well, I actually showed ur post to him harpa, just because I have trouble articulating what I mean when I get upset so sometimes struggle to get my point across to him.

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

My biggest problem was I made assumptions , I assumed the wild nights out were because he was at college and then after college I assumed it was just him getting it out of his system. I assumed when we married I would become more important than his friends, my advice to other people is never assume, talk it through. And to those who are saying leave the loser, besides this flaw my husband is a lovely kind person who I trust completely, he's just someone who struggles to relate and needs to be told a woman's expectations rather than figuring them out on his own. We are newlyweds and this is a learning curve. And thanks to hotter otter and harpa, you both made your points really well, I actually showed ur post to him harpa, just because I have trouble articulating what I mean when I get upset so sometimes struggle to get my point across to him.

I'm so glad you guys talked. One thing I've learned by now is that men think VERY differently from women, so its so important to tell them how you feel...and what you expect, because they aren't mind readers and honestly don't have a clue how we are thinking or feeling unless we open up and talk. Communication...besides love, it is the most important part of a successful marriage.

[ChicagoSarah 127]

I'm glad you talked it through with him. You didn't fall in love and give up your life in the UK to just walk out on him this quickly. Marriage takes work...especially in the case of long-distance/multi-cultural relationships. Both of your lives changed drastically. Long distance couples don't have the luxury of easing into living together. It's all or nothing usually. I certainly wish you the best of luck...and VJ is always here for support!

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Glad you are talking with him, Cam. I think effective communication (and productive arguing) is one of life's constant pursuits, trying to be self-aware, and figure out what you like and don't like and why, telling the other person as plainly as possible about it, and remaining calm. It gets harder when you get upset, but I think we can all work at it a little each day.

I don't think this staying out at night is so much a men v women thing. I don't think he would like it if you disappeared for an entire night. What about if you ran off for a week, and when you got back, you were like, "I met these cool guys Tom and Jerry at the gas station, and they had a vintage Airstream and invited me to go on a road trip so I said yes! I had to share the camper bed with Tom, but don't worry, there was no funny business. Oh, and I can't go to your folk's house for christmas this year, because I spent all my vacation days on this!" I don't think he'd be okay with it.