More of a rant than a question although advice is welcome

[jenny8 8]

Unfortunately my Ex-husband did this to me and we were both USCs.? I think it's a guy thing. I would try volunteering somewhere just to make new friends for yourself. My New husband joined a gym to give him something to do while I was at work and he met a few new friends. If you choose to stay here, I wish you all the best of luck.

[Cam54 84]

I work full time but haven't hugely clicked with anyone at work, feel like if I had a close friend here I wouldn't be so dependent on my husband but he still shouldn't be doing this.

[waka1 28]

What he seems to be showing is his true colors and level of emotional maturity. What's is going to be like when you have children ? His priorities seem to be: Beer, friends, video games....lastly you.

Think this decision through carefully...and then do it.

There is no shame in making a mistake, but to keep repeating the same mistake...

Best of luck !

[CowBoE 429]

Unfortunately my Ex-husband did this to me and we were both USCs.? I think it's a guy thing. I would try volunteering somewhere just to make new friends for yourself. My New husband joined a gym to give him something to do while I was at work and he met a few new friends. If you choose to stay here, I wish you all the best of luck.

"A guy thing"??? How did individual behavior become all men's issue?

I nor none of my male children or siblings have this issue.

[derrickmichille 55]

Op I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.

What I don't understand is why would anyone go through this whole difficult, stressful long process just to act a fool when their love one gets here. I just don't understand. If you want to be single be single, don't go through this whole process and have your love one give up everything, and start all over just for you to ignore,act mean, or abuse them. Everyone has issues no one person is perfect, but hanging out with friends and drinking and sleeping over a friends when you are marred is completely wrong in my book.

I truly feel for you and I really hope you can talk to him and you two can fix this problem.

The way I am when I Skype my fiancee is the Same person I will be when she gets here and vice versa. There is no secrets and we shown each other all sides of our selves the good and the bad. We have no surprises.

That's another thing that gets me, how can some people not see what they are getting into, I am sure there had to have been some signs he likes to drink and hanging out with friends, unless it got worse when you got there. I just don't get it!!!!

[derrickmichille 55]

Unfortunately my Ex-husband did this to me and we were both USCs.? I think it's a guy thing. I would try volunteering somewhere just to make new friends for yourself. My New husband joined a gym to give him something to do while I was at work and he met a few new friends. If you choose to stay here, I wish you all the best of luck.

Nope not a guy thing. I am raising my 3 year old by my self and have been since he was three months. I cook, clean, budget, wash clothes, all while skyping my fiancee 10 hours a day ever single day since we met.

I don't drink not even a little. I don't smoke or hang out with friends. It's not a guy thing it's an immature thing.

He really needs to grow up and realize that his wife comes first and she should be the most important person in his life. It's ok to have friends, but his wife is and should be his best friend. But that's just me!!

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Him staying out like that and not making a phone call to let you know what's up is totally unacceptable. What an immature brat !

You have to get out, yoga, educational or hobby classes, church, something to make you happy and feel content.

Hope things will turn around for you, you deserve better and someone who actually feels privileged to spend time with you.

Where in LA do you live ? I have a very good friend there, you can inbox me and if you aren't too far you two can go out for a cup of java

and have a chit chat. Knowing the area she could be of help on where to do what.

[Ortolan 381]

See if you can not talk about your problems with him for a week or so; take a bit of time to calm yourself. Don't nag the guy, because nagging an immature person only makes them more obstinate. Then plan a quiet conversation with him and lay out how you feel. See if you can do it without accusing or blaming, without any "you do this and this and this" but focus on what you'd like to happen for both of you as a couple.

You've invested a lot of time here, in the relationship, in the paperwork, in the move, in the goodbyes to your family and your friends in the UK, and most of all, in him as your husband; it's a big investment.

Think about your investment. Sometimes giving things some more time to work out is a good thing.

[landr 126]

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way.

I think your situation has a lot to do with the people your husband is hanging out with. I assume they don't have wives or kids. In my experience, some guys need new friends and a new perspective (from someone they will listen to) before they knuckle down and realise that their wife/family needs to come first. It sounds like your husband has yet to reach this conclusion - he still acts as if nothing has changed and he can maintain his previous lifestyle. Age might be a factor, he just might not be husband/marriage-ready.

I'd start by sitting him down and saying that you are upset by his behaviour and you feel that you two don't get enough quality time together. Tell him that you came to the US to be with him and so that your relationship could move forward, you didn't come to the US to be his house-sitter. Suggest to him that if his behaviour continues, then you are not sure that you or the marriage will survive. Ask him if that is what he really wants. I'm not sure if it will be enough of a wakeup call. If it's not, then perhaps going back to the UK really is happier solution all round. If you're not ready to have this conversation, then try building your support network via Meetup.com, volunteering and classes, as previously suggested. Perhaps that might be enough for you to keep going for a while so that you are less reliant on him as an activity partner and emotional support. However, I still think that he needs a fundamental shift in both his attitude and behaviour in order for your marriage to have a long-term future.

[waka1 28]

You've invested a lot of time here, in the relationship, in the paperwork, in the move, in the goodbyes to your family and your friends in the UK, and most of all, in him as your husband; it's a big investment.

Think about your investment. Sometimes giving things some more time to work out is a good thing.

Investing is a good analogy. Here's an tip from an trader/investor put a 'stop loss' on the relationship. Meaning protect your gains, by putting a 'stop loss' on a stock, usually 10%. If the stock drops 10% an automatic 'sell order' is put in.

I chased saving a relationship for three years, I did everything I could do to save it. In the end, she called it, ironically, I was most angry at her for wasting three years of my life, by being coy about her real feelings or intent. We're still friends, but at a distance and I'm happy.

If your husband balks at taking you seriously, then a vacation for you will give you time and space to mull over your options.

Wishing you the Best

[LiliBurd 85]

It seems like his main problem (or yours in this situation) is that he doesn't respect you. Being with someone that is honest and respectful were always my biggest standards. Love and passion come and go throughout the years but being with someone you can respect and that respects you makes a couple stronger and that's how relationships last.

How was it when you were dating? It's difficult being far, but we live our relationship pretty much as if we lived together. Obviously being in the same timezone makes a difference and we are lucky that this isn't an issue for us. But we try to reassure each other by telling the other person what we're up to and who we are with. We have our routine together even though our lives are in separate locations for now and I think that will make the transition of actually living together easier. Hopefully lol.

One thing is for sure making decisions when we are emotional is risky. And I think every woman (well obviously men do too lol) needs a close friend that can relate with our issues and help rationalize situations. What about your friends or family back home? Anyone you can talk honestly about your feeling? Sometimes just saying things out loud helps.

Best of luck to you and hope you find happiness whichever decision you make.

[NikLR 13,227]

Communication, with him, is what resolves this. Speak up.

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

If you've told him how you feel, and honestly just sat and talked with him...and he STILL does it, I think its time to re-evaluate the relationship. Maybe try some counseling. He seems very immature and that doesn't always change over night. Sorry you're having such a rough time right now. Try to stick it out for a bit longer and see if you can work on it TOGETHER. But he needs to work on it, not just you. Good luck.

[caiti92 23]

Yeh the problem is how drunk he gets when he goes out with his friends, I clearly am just no longer on his radar which makes me sad because he used to leave his friends early cos he missed me. He's 24 and I'm noticing that 24 is young here, his friends all act like teenagers, I knew he wasn't the most mature man in the world when I decided to move but I never expected to move here n for him to just carry on living live he was at college n to feel so alone

Can I just say based on my personal experience dating in America that on average (and I know there are plenty of exceptions) American men, especially in their 20s, tend to mature at alarmingly slower rates than women. And you're right, 24 is young here in terms of maturity. I was never able to date anyone my own age for the exact reason you described; so many men here act like teenagers and it was just a waste of time. This is why when I met my now-fiance, I was blown away at his maturity, interests, priorities and respectfulness.

While being a part from one another is soooo difficult, I really think the old saying is true that distance makes the heart grow fonder. When you are finally together and seeing each other every single day, you tend to forget about how much you missed one another and that makes it easier to take having each other for granted. I know my fiance and I were guilty of this to some degree when we were living together initially. Seeing each other just becomes routine. The two most important things you can do are: 1) communicate properly and calmly, as everyone else has pointed out and 2) remind him as often as possible that you appreciate him and the fact that you don't have to be apart anymore. You can elaborate on that by telling him it hurts you when he's out getting loaded all night because you missed him so much, and you feel that he is taking having you and all of the sacrifices you have made to be with him for granted now that you are together.

I think the point that you know when to call it quits is when you think about not having him or being far away from him again and you don't feel like you would miss him. Marriage is difficult enough as it is, so adding a long distance or cultural differences to it can make it even harder. I'm sure you guys can work through it, though. And if you can't and he doesn't start to learn that he needs to respect you a lot more than he is and grow up, then he's not worth fighting over.

Edited August 11, 2014 by caiti92

[Cam54 84]

Iv gotten upset at him alot for it over the last few months but he didn't really understand, but I completely broke down this morning and I think he finally got it and understood how serious I am. He said this is his first serious relationship n he hasn't really gotten used to havig someone rely on him so much yet but he's gona change. So time will tell. He's a good person he just struggles to get it right unless I specifically tell him what I want from the relationship . When I wouldn't talk to him this morning he thought it was just cos he'd gone out without me, hadn't even occurred to him that I was upset because he hadn't the decency to tell me he weren't coming home. Problem is when we were dating we were both at college! So this lifestyle was a lot more acceptable but I assumed when we married 2 years after finishing college wed have a more mature lifestyle but iv felt like im dragging him into maturity. His friends have girlfriends but they pull the same cr*p on them so that's all my husband sees.