More of a rant than a question although advice is welcome

[Cam54 84]

I'm feeling pretty resentful, have been here 8 months now and not really made any close friends and my social life isn't quite what I'd hoped so I find myself in a lot at weekends. Having trouble bonding with my husbands friends as they all seem a little mature n only interested in video games n drinking. The biggest problem though I'm having is my husband will go out for what seems like a casual drink and then il wake at 3am not knowing why he isn't home and have to call round his friends only to find he's decided to stay at a friends house without telling me. He knows I just want some communication and a little more company than the average partner would need cs I'm lonely but still does this pretty often, we only have one day a week off work together but he usually pulls this cr*p the night before so I don't even wana speak to him on that day. I feel like I gave up my whole life to be with him and he can't even find the decency to call me to let me know what he's doing. Pretty ready to just give up and move back to uk

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

Pretty ready to just give up and move back to uk

I don't blame you. He's not a keeper.

[Fabiola252 2]

Not sure if I would move back. However, now that you are here with him, he feels that he can do whatever and you will only accept what he does. Start being more social and make new friends. Hence, once you start hanging out with new people, I am sure that he will recognize this immediately and things will change. In the event that he feel this isn't acceptable. I would look for a new male friend that can meet all of your needs. At least (90) percent of them anyway!! I am sure the he will find you hanging out with new friends (unacceptable). But, if he does it, why can't you do it. Things shouldn't be one sided. If it is one sided, get out while you can!!

[jaygee011 6]

I recently spent 3 months over in new york while my fiance worked everyday and it is hard. The biggest thing I found was playing sports helped me meet new people and I was able to get a social life away from just my fiances friends. Do you have any hobbies or anything new you would like to learn? Then you can look for any places near you that have classes etc. I have to say though its not fair on you and I guess you need a serious talk so he realises how close he is to losing you

[jaygee011 6]

I recently spent 3 months over in new york while my fiance worked everyday and it is hard. The biggest thing I found was playing sports helped me meet new people and I was able to get a social life away from just my fiances friends. Do you have any hobbies or anything new you would like to learn? Then you can look for any places near you that have classes etc. I have to say though its not fair on you and I guess you need a serious talk so he realises how close he is to losing you

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

You still having few friends and feeling lonely is not unusual. My first year here was pretty hell-ish that way. What helped me is getting pregnant and making mommy friends, and also I started volunteering for a cat rescue, and made my own friends that way.

He does sound a bit immature, and also as if he doesn't realise that you are having culture shock. You need to talk to him, he may not realise how badly you feel, men don;t always get that, especially if when you do talk about it, you are emotional. Maybe you can make a roster? Say, he picks one night a week where he goes out, but NOT the night before you have a common day off?

[visaqueries 111]

When my family moved from Texas to Missouri in the 90s I remember how hard making friends was. It actually took three years before I found a friend whom I felt comfortable calling and hanging out with . Most of that difficulty was because I was not in school any longer, so being in a place that naturally brings people together wasn't a part of my life. And going without some form of support is very hard. Eventually things got better because I started to force myself to be more active. I joined a gym then found a house team for soccer to play on, and I began my Masters program. All of those elements made things much better.

All those items above are things that helped me personally...independent of a spouse or significant other. When I was spending extended times in Egypt, however, I was left all day in an apartment alone. I had my computer and the dvds I'd brought with me to keep me company. I knew no one, didn't leave the apartment, and didn't speak the language. So, I talked to my then fiancé about my struggles. He didn't really get my perspective at first, but I continued to patiently explain my situation. Finally, he got it. We went out and got me Internet for my computer so I could communicate with family and he started looking for friends who had wives that knew English. He began to understand that loneliness I felt. It turned out that one of his friends lived 3 minutes away so his wife and I spent many days together. Another by product was he started coming home earlier and spending time with me. I was happier and he decided he wanted to spend more time with that girl.

The thing I discovered out of all this was that communication was the key. I had to make sure that what I felt was expressed in such a way that he heard my struggles and not just my anger. Thankfully for me it has worked out well. He's here and I now have to do all those things I expected him to do for me when we were in Egypt.

[kehills 217]

Not calling you after changing his plans and staying out all night without letting you know is a pretty huge level of Not Considerate. It's time to have a chat with your husband about appropriate communication between spouses, and things like "being considerate." And he needs to realize that there are consequences for bad behaviour. Of course, you have to figure out what those consequences are–no one here can help with that.

I can tell you that while my now-husband and I were still living in separate countries, we ran into a variation of this issue. We'd have an agreement that we'd hang out/play games/whatever at some godawful early time in the morning for me, and I'd wake up to find he'd decided to stay out later with friends... meaning that my waking up at godawful early was pointless.

That happened twice, and then I told him that he was being disrespectful of my time and the effort it was taking to wake up that early, and I wasn't going to do it anymore. And that if he kept changing plans without telling me, I was going to extend that same "courtesy" to him. It happened one more time, I didn't tell him when my plans changed, he realized how shitty it felt to wait for someone and have them simply not be there when expected, and we haven't had problems since.

If I were in your shoes, I would start with "if you're going to be out past X time, you will call me and let me know..." I'd also probably start tracking how often he does this, so he can see a visual representation of it if/when you guys decide to head towards counseling, since that seems like a pretty inevitable pit stop for your marriage.

[CowBoE 429]

I think the biggest reason for feeling is your running around husband.

Try to hold your anger back, and have a sincere talk with him and see where his head is.

Maybe he's just immature and needs some counseling to wake up,

or maybe that's his nature and he's not going to change easily anytime soon.

See if you can find a compromising points on him being able to spend some time with friends,

but also making sure you don't feel deserted.

otherwise if he continues to desert you in this manner especially at the early stage of marriage

I agree that he doesn't deserve you anymore.

Best wishes...

[agnesb 47]

I, sorry to hear that, it seems like your husband needs a reality check. Just sit him down and tell him how you feel, remind him you are here now and you two are married. Maybe would be great to spend some quality time together, just the two of you so he knows what he could loose.

Regarding socializing , you could try finding expat groups on meetup com or you can meet with outgoing and friendly locals and/or hang out with travellers from couchsurfing org and check what social events that suit your interests are going on around your town. Hope things will improve for you soon!

[Girl from Celebes 588]

My husband is pretty much ready 24 hours for me, lol. I am kind of person do not really like to be around many people especially new people. My husband's coworkers are nice and in fact when I went to military party with him, I sometimes got sick because of smell of alcohol or cigarettes ( neither my husband nor I are smoking or drinking). That's why most of times, we spent our times together.

Don't get me wrong. I am very friendly person, . But, expand a new circle of friends is really difficult for me. I am more solitaire.

When he went to work, I made myself busy. Watching Netflix, writing my blogs, writing articles for Indonesian online website, or playing with my cats. Those activities definitely made my hours fly so fast in that day.

You need an open talk to him heart to heart. Newly wedded couple usually facing difficulty how to adjust each other from their old habits. That's why before we got married, we went through marriage counseling twice with the chaplain on the military base.

If both of you are really wanted to make this marriage works, please be consider to meet a marriage counselor. Probably your husband will listen and trying to change his old habits. I am feel so fortunate that my husband does not have kind attitude of being a bachelor even though he had never been married before and neither I. We were adjust very well at this point so far.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Girl from Celebes

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Sorry to hear it... While everyone is free to make their own way in the world and establish patterns that work for them, I tend to draw the line at this: I don't think a married man should sleep at his friend's house on a regular basis, if at all. Is it that he drinks so much and stays there to be safe? And if so, maybe the solution is that he quits getting drunk?

[LionessDeon 2,060]

It's sounds like he's still living the single life and not taking your feelings into consideration. How would he feel if you were our all night and didn't call. It's just common courtesy and honestly with a fiancée at home why wouldn't he be sure to home at a reasonable hour? I know things happen but what he's doing is disrespectful in my book.

Talk to him, remind him of everything you two went through to finally be together. He shouldn't take you for granted now that your here!

It does take some time (years) to meet friends you feel comfortable with. Besides taking classes or coworkers you could try volunteer work. I met some great people doing that.

Stand your ground and Good Luck! I hope he grows up!

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

It sounds like he is still living the life that he lived before you moved there, with the added bonus to him of you being there when he wants to do husband and wife stuff. I'm sorry that you are going through this but he needs to grow up and be a man, he needs to realise how much of a sacrifice you made moving for him and he needs to put more effort into spending quality time with you. I think you need to lay down the law, how would he feel if the rules were reversed?

The not having your own friends thing sucks, I've been in the US 5 weeks now and whilst my wife has been amazing I have yet to make any friends, and it's not a situation that I'm used to! It's hard making new friends once you are no longer at college right? Have you tried meetup.com? I have just joined it, you enter where you live and you can find like minded people who are looking to make new friends and they have regular events. I'm hoping I can find some new friends on there. There might be other special interest groups you could either join alone or go with your husband like running groups, hiking groups, Brit expat groups etc (not sure what your interests are lol). But I think that although you need friends (we all do) getting your husband to change his behaviour should be your priority because you are obviously unhappy and you shouldn't have to feel like that, especially so soon after beginning your lives together.

Good luck!

[Cam54 84]

Yeh the problem is how drunk he gets when he goes out with his friends, I clearly am just no longer on his radar which makes me sad because he used to leave his friends early cos he missed me. He's 24 and I'm noticing that 24 is young here, his friends all act like teenagers, I knew he wasn't the most mature man in the world when I decided to move but I never expected to move here n for him to just carry on living live he was at college n to feel so alone