Ian is really having a tough time over here

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

lol I know that feeling.... I am not qualified either... I only have 2 marriages and 1 divorce + 2 kids and 1 grandchild + moved to a new country + gone through all the ####### from USCIS..... so no I know nothing...

Kez

Three boys of my own and three stepsons. Survived the USCIS despite having these two sets of children, which are all quite healthy, happy and much better off than they were 4 years ago. Moved to another country for a total of seven months having to leave behind my own children. Then made the move back to America, set up a new home, waited two years for my husband. Now that he is here we have daily adjustments as he learns to raise three teenage boys that aren't his own, all along missing and juggling his own children. Then add in the additonal fun of getting used to a new country! ----- However I am not ed-ju-mah-kay-ted enuff to post replies on this topic.

[Joey559 1]

Just wanted to say classes don't have to be through a college OR expensive. A local community center would probably have a range of offers - our's does everything from cooking to belly dancing.

Good luck, Laura. I hope you and Ian can fight 'the funk'. I remember having it a few times myself while living in the UK. Hang in there....

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

JESUS...what the hell did I start here??? Ok, First thing, thank you to all of you who gave some good solid advice and gave your opinions. I respect all of you who spoke from the heart and didn't make accusations or read into any of what I said as being more. Secondly, NO, my husband isn't abusive. Where the hell did that come from??? LOL. All I said was he is losing his patience. I was the same way waiting and not being able to work. I even said in my original comment that I know how Ian feels because I wasn't able to work.

We all say things when we are angry or upset that we may or may not mean. Ian is now talking about looking at more house to "flip" over and is getting excited about it. It's just that he gets down when he hits another brick wall that our government has set up. I don't blame him one bit. He feels like he has invisible handcuffs on because he can't do anything over here. He can't even get a cell phone without putting a thousand dollar deposit down because there is no way to check his credit.

I love my husband with all my heart and I have no doubts about how he feels for me. Does it mean that I like it when he says he wants to go back and wait??? Hell no. I hate it and it does hurt-- I won't lie about anything. I know it isn't just the fact that he can't work that is bothering him, I imagine he is homesick to some degree. He won't admit it. All I was asking for was some advice on how I can make the transition easier for him. My kids love him but because of my work schedule, I have had to reduce my time with them to every other weekend. I work, he has nothing to do all day. Some of the advice that was given was great. I have looked into the volunteer situation at the local firecompany and they are looking for new members. I told him about it and he will be looking into it. So hopefully that will help. As soon as we can get a house, which we have a bid on one now, that too will eleviate some of the boredom because he will be busy working on it.

I do apologise for not getting on sooner, but like I said, I am working alot. A restaurant is not something that someone works 9-5 at. It is a big commintment. For those of you who have pm'd me, thank you and as soon as I have more time, I will respond. I have this weekend off and I have a surprise trip planned for Ian to drive to the Orange County Choppers which will be nice for us to just get away.

Thank you again!

Laura x

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

I got one of those Englishmen that doesn't want to say much about what he is feeling. Hopefully you will get the house and he will be to busy to worry about anything else.

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

I got one of those Englishmen that doesn't want to say much about what he is feeling. Hopefully you will get the house and he will be to busy to worry about anything else.

LOL..Yeah, I have one of those too. I hope he does get the house because it will really help him pass the time until he can work. Yes, we did get an RFE and perhaps I should have stated that earlier so ppl would understand why he is so upset. Its like the assets he had were ok to get him over here, but now its a whole different ball park. I got the RFE back in December and sent it all back with a statement from my job stating how much I make yada yada yada. So we should hear back soon.

I have read more of the comments and I ask that ppl please leave my children out of the equation. They have nothing to do with the problem at hand.

Thanks again

LJ

[luv2teach77 41]

##Wordy Post Alert !!##Wordy Post Alert !!##Wordy Post Alert !!##Wordy Post Alert !!##

Unfortunately waiting is very much par for the course when it comes to this bloody immigration process. The frustrating thing is that we are all guilty of thinking that the biggest hurdle to overcome is the waiting involved before the visa is even granted. The truth of the matter is that the waiting for the visa is probably the easiest part (besides being apart from our partners). At least during that wait you are still working, still living in a familiar area with all the usual conveniences, cars, bank accounts, IDENTITY !!

When you arrive at your chosen POE you give all that up and pretty much become a 12 year old again. You become totally dependent on your partner because suddenly your world has shrunk and someone who may have been surrounded with friends and family finds themselves feeling pretty alone.

The key to making a good go of this crazy situation is to continually tell yourself that things will change and they will change for the better. I found it VERY VERY VERY frustrating to be so reliant on my new wife and her family when I arrived. It wasn't that they resented helping me find my feet. Far from it infact. It was just that I am a naturally confident and independent person and it was hard for me to feel like I was regressing back to being a teenager again !!

I left behind my car (which I loved), my income, my hometown (London population 15 million to Trenton, IL population 2700), all the convenience of the environment I had known for 20+ years and suddenly I was starting everything from scratch. However, while this was a little annoying at times I knew in the back of my mind that things would get better. I'd get a job eventually. I'd get a car eventually. We'd buy a house (probably bigger than I'd ever be able to afford back in the UK) eventually. At the centre of all that hope was my wife, the sole reason why an upwardly mobile 26 year old living in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world, would pack up and move to rural Illinois. She was why I made the move and if I had to move again to be with her, I would in a heartbeat.

This is really what your husband has to keep telling himself. He is with you which is what you both want. His life at the moment is in a state of flux but it won't always be like that. It will improve, things will get better, the stability that he knew back in the UK will come back but it will take time. If he is anything like me his life in the US will have infinately more potential than it did in the UK. Take each day as it comes. Celebrate the little accomplishments that build towards the big final plan. Every step towards the shared goals you must both have is a HUGE step in the right direction.

He knows that he has your support. He doesn't really want to go back to the UK, he's just bored. I waited 8 months between applying for my EAD and getting a job and I can tell you that by the time my EAD was finally approved I had begun to think that it would never arrive. He just has to stick it out and make the best of things until they make a turn for the better. I don't know what his routine is like but I always made a point of getting up with my wife when she got up and staying up until we went to bed. I didn't want to waste away in my PJ's and also didn't want to leave stuff like laundry and washing up lying around when I could be doing them. Yeah... it's a bit crappy when the highlight of your day is washing the dishes but not only did it keep me busy for a couple of hours every day but my wife LOVED the fact that that stuff was done so she didn't have to worry about it.

I gather from your timeline that he is still pretty new to the US. Gve hime some time and I'm hopeful that as long as he allows his mindset to change to the fact that this is all temporary, he'll be fine soon.

I hope that you both get through this crazy process unscathed. Feel free to PM me if he wants any more information on what I did and how I did it !!

Mark

[wong_watkins 1]

LOL...interesting posts...

[Widge 0]

Independence and self confidence were two of the things i found totally undermining to my whole psyche when I first arrived. In many ways it isn't the big things that eat away at you but the little things ........... always remember discovering you posted a letter by stamping it and putting it in your very own mailbox and off it went - that small act which any two year old would know was a new one to me but it encapsulated just how much everything I had ever took for granted had been taken from me and had to be learned again. it was these little things that made me lose my self confidence and feel so useless. Unfortunately it was probably only when I stepped out into the world as a worker made friends of my own and mingle in the outside world that that confidence returned. The big things in many ways are not the things that make the transition hard but the little. One being able to get out of the house and the other "trapped" life on hold doesn't help the secret I think is to walk away when things get heated and remember that most things said that shouldn't be are as much aimed at themselves not the partner. It's tough it's rough but two years on I can promise it does get better day by day step by step.