Ian is really having a tough time over here

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

I wouldn't blame poor Laura if she never wanted to post here again. Sheesh. The reading between the lines that have gone on here would have to be hurtful to her.

I hope she and Ian can work something out. Maybe its best if she keeps those details to herself, however.

agreed. i wish her the best

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Knowledge, I can't speak for Laura, but if I had to make an educated guess (or, just read where the words are placed in the sentence) I would say that those are two separate thoughts. I don't imagine she OR the kids are in any danger of physical harm, etc. if that's what you're thinking...(not sure that's what you meant?) *It's my belief* that she just meant he didn't really have a real reason to show her his impatient side before, and now it's very much come to light.

Good luck, Laura! M.

Michelle, you wrote you "guess, ...don't imagine"...That's why i have asked her : what did she mean by those pharses, exactly, not to guess or imagine...If you don't imagine there is any danger, it doesn't mean it doesn' exist, but again, only her can evaluate the situation in respect of the kids...I know here is not the place to debate about that...but, those who might be interested in this subject...as i have mentionned, there are studies about that...how to recognize them...because many, under control, of any type, do not/ can not talk properly about it....I can go on and on and give you some consistent input as it happens i have read those studies for years now...and have been in contact with heavy situations on this topic...I do not expect people on here to understand either....I just pointed out something that maybe has to be digged...if we care about the kids...But, this thinking can only and only happen if the person wants it...if not, nothing is possible...

Bethany, with respect with all your posts...i don't agree with the one just related to me....I do think hard when i think it's important...and try to prevent people...and i believe we all have to do...So, until Laura herself, does not give more info about the kids situation in what i have put in bold...we won't be sure but, when doubts and quite many posts go in the same direction, maybe it's something to think more about...

In Lauras post she stated "the kids are here" as to a reason not to move out of state. Then she went on to say she was realising how little patience her husband has. I doubt she meant to relate these two things together. If you want to speculate then go ahead, but I think this board gets enough of that. To me Laura is giving personal details because she doesn't know what else to do. If she wanted to say her husband was dangerous around her children I am sure she would have done so it is not your place or anyone elses to fill in the blanks. She doesn't need to come back here and have to explain what she meant or didn't mean. She wants advice not guesses, she wants comfort not accusations. I disagree with putting words into someones mouth. What you are implying is not what she shared, so why bring it up? Read her post again word for word without adding to it. The only person guessing here is you. All your post is going to do is get others on board making accusations that her husband is some kind of child abuser. Laura did not say..........my husband has no patience with my children! VJ and its soap operas.

NO I don't think it is my place to "prevent people" from doing anything, especially when I have not one clue what they need to to be prevented from!

Bethanie, again, with all due respect...:

1. i have asked question about those words, which is not making assumption, to me

your statement is angry and presents confusions..In addition, you identify your situation with hers...hm!!!...

2. when you stated that she asked advice and support, i ask you: empty words of support or maybe trying to understand her reality...Don't you think that all who adviced to do voluntary work has not already been spoken before she came here...Why is that you take his part...What is it that he did that proves he helped her in anything?....

3. I am not here to convince anybody...if you do not agree, it's ok with me...but tell me if somebody found a solution on here...I doubt. Why? because the problem is more important...and here is not the place to talk about it, period!...I really don't know what to say more, i have already said a lot...

Not taking in consideration the situation of the kids, is to me preoccupying and shows lack of maturity.

To your statements:

1.>>>Are you now implying my husband is a possible child abuser because I can relate to some of Laura's situation? I am not angry and I am not confused, maybe amazed at ignorance would be a better description.

2.>>>I never suggested volunteer work, I suggested communication! Again you are reading what you want to think you see. It isn't the place to talk about it? Then why did you make up some ####### and post it on an open forum?

3.>>>You aren't convincing anyone, so your doing a fine job. I don't have to agree with something that isn't even the truth. No one is looking for a solution but Laura, the rest of us can only give advice and comfort! What problem is more important? False accusations on your part directed at Laura and her husband? You are correct in that you have said a lot, in fact you have said to much.

I don't typically get into these, I know more than you flame wars but I feel you are TOTALLY out of line! Since I see no followers that agree with anything you have posted, my guess is that I am not the only one that feels this way.

I wonder how you would feel if someone made false accusations towards your SO! You have now not only done this to Laura but to me as well. Get off your high horse, or sofa and get a grip on reality life isn't a daytime television show.

Laura if you come back, feel free to send me a message I have to get off this thread before I get myself tossed off the site!

[nhbigfoot 0]

Knowledge, I can't speak for Laura, but if I had to make an educated guess (or, just read where the words are placed in the sentence) I would say that those are two separate thoughts. I don't imagine she OR the kids are in any danger of physical harm, etc. if that's what you're thinking...(not sure that's what you meant?) *It's my belief* that she just meant he didn't really have a real reason to show her his impatient side before, and now it's very much come to light.

Good luck, Laura! M.

Michelle, you wrote you "guess, ...don't imagine"...That's why i have asked her : what did she mean by those pharses, exactly, not to guess or imagine...If you don't imagine there is any danger, it doesn't mean it doesn' exist, but again, only her can evaluate the situation in respect of the kids...I know here is not the place to debate about that...but, those who might be interested in this subject...as i have mentionned, there are studies about that...how to recognize them...because many, under control, of any type, do not/ can not talk properly about it....I can go on and on and give you some consistent input as it happens i have read those studies for years now...and have been in contact with heavy situations on this topic...I do not expect people on here to understand either....I just pointed out something that maybe has to be digged...if we care about the kids...But, this thinking can only and only happen if the person wants it...if not, nothing is possible...

Bethany, with respect with all your posts...i don't agree with the one just related to me....I do think hard when i think it's important...and try to prevent people...and i believe we all have to do...So, until Laura herself, does not give more info about the kids situation in what i have put in bold...we won't be sure but, when doubts and quite many posts go in the same direction, maybe it's something to think more about...

In Lauras post she stated "the kids are here" as to a reason not to move out of state. Then she went on to say she was realising how little patience her husband has. I doubt she meant to relate these two things together. If you want to speculate then go ahead, but I think this board gets enough of that. To me Laura is giving personal details because she doesn't know what else to do. If she wanted to say her husband was dangerous around her children I am sure she would have done so it is not your place or anyone elses to fill in the blanks. She doesn't need to come back here and have to explain what she meant or didn't mean. She wants advice not guesses, she wants comfort not accusations. I disagree with putting words into someones mouth. What you are implying is not what she shared, so why bring it up? Read her post again word for word without adding to it. The only person guessing here is you. All your post is going to do is get others on board making accusations that her husband is some kind of child abuser. Laura did not say..........my husband has no patience with my children! VJ and its soap operas.

NO I don't think it is my place to "prevent people" from doing anything, especially when I have not one clue what they need to to be prevented from!

Bethanie, again, with all due respect...:

1. i have asked question about those words, which is not making assumption, to me

your statement is angry and presents confusions..In addition, you identify your situation with hers...hm!!!...

2. when you stated that she asked advice and support, i ask you: empty words of support or maybe trying to understand her reality...Don't you think that all who adviced to do voluntary work has not already been spoken before she came here...Why is that you take his part...What is it that he did that proves he helped her in anything?....

3. I am not here to convince anybody...if you do not agree, it's ok with me...but tell me if somebody found a solution on here...I doubt. Why? because the problem is more important...and here is not the place to talk about it, period!...I really don't know what to say more, i have already said a lot...

Not taking in consideration the situation of the kids, is to me preoccupying and shows lack of maturity.

To your statements:

1.>>>Are you now implying my husband is a possible child abuser because I can relate to some of Laura's situation? I am not angry and I am not confused, maybe amazed at ignorance would be a better description.

2.>>>I never suggested volunteer work, I suggested communication! Again you are reading what you want to think you see. It isn't the place to talk about it? Then why did you make up some ####### and post it on an open forum?

3.>>>You aren't convincing anyone, so your doing a fine job. I don't have to agree with something that isn't even the truth. No one is looking for a solution but Laura, the rest of us can only give advice and comfort! What problem is more important? False accusations on your part directed at Laura and her husband? You are correct in that you have said a lot, in fact you have said to much.

I don't typically get into these, I know more than you flame wars but I feel you are TOTALLY out of line! Since I see no followers that agree with anything you have posted, my guess is that I am not the only one that feels this way.

I wonder how you would feel if someone made false accusations towards your SO! You have now not only done this to Laura but to me as well. Get off your high horse, or sofa and get a grip on reality life isn't a daytime television show.

Laura if you come back, feel free to send me a message I have to get off this thread before I get myself tossed off the site!

As I read this post, several things went through my mind regarding the situation as described by Laura. Then I read the whole thread, and wondered why I was seeing these and so many others were not (exceptions Ionescu, knowledge, matako, LisaD). Some even go so far as to try to invalidate the notion that there is something wrong here.

Let’s look at the first post.

1. She is working and he “is ...well...still waiting to hear back about his EAD.” Granted, he cannot get a job for pay, but there is no reason he cannot get to know his adopted country and the people in it by going out to volunteer as was suggested by at least one other person.

2. Next she says “He doesn't like New York state as a whole and has finally learned that yes, it is expensive to live here in NY, and now wants me to move out of state.” What does that mean? First, it appears to mean that he never spent any time where she lived, although if I understand her, she spent 25 months in the UK with him. IF he planned on being in the US with her, I would think he would come to visit and see what it was like so he would know ahead of time if he wanted to join her here or not.

3. She says she did not see her children for a long period because of him, whether it was 18 months, or 25 months is unclear. But based upon her profile, her children are not more than 16 now, so would have been younger then. Knowledge thinks that is a problem, why do so many others say it is not?

4. Then she says she never knew he had so little patience. How can you spend 18 months with someone and not know that? Or is he just so unhappy in the US that this side of him comes out. Either way, this is bad IMHO.

5. Now he is going to head back to the UK until he can get his work card. Why? Maybe he can work there. Maybe he missed his friends and family. Who knows? But it does not seem like much commitment to me. If my spouse decided to do that, I would suggest they should not bother to come back.

Bottom line, he seems like he is not committed to living here with her. He seems to interested only in doing what he wants, not in facing reality and making the best of things. But she picked him, and she has to live with him, right? Well not really. She has children, and those children are still young enough so that the fighting she talks about and the lack of commitment they are seeing both will hurt them and will stay with them in the future. Anyone who does not see all of this is not really looking.

[Peikko 1,575]

Laura didn't ask for relationship advice, she asked for advice on process. How anyone thinks they can make a judgement on her relationship from one post beats me. Fine, you have your ideas on what kind of people these are but until/unless you are asked to voice them, why not keep them to yourself?

Suggestions on ways her husband could occupy his time are not relationship advice, they are just ways other people have learned to adapt/deal with a new situation.

[knowledge 0]

Michelle, you wrote you "guess, ...don't imagine"...That's why i have asked her : what did she mean by those pharses, exactly, not to guess or imagine...If you don't imagine there is any danger, it doesn't mean it doesn' exist, but again, only her can evaluate the situation in respect of the kids...I know here is not the place to debate about that...but, those who might be interested in this subject...as i have mentionned, there are studies about that...how to recognize them...because many, under control, of any type, do not/ can not talk properly about it....I can go on and on and give you some consistent input as it happens i have read those studies for years now...and have been in contact with heavy situations on this topic...I do not expect people on here to understand either....I just pointed out something that maybe has to be digged...if we care about the kids...But, this thinking can only and only happen if the person wants it...if not, nothing is possible...

Bethany, with respect with all your posts...i don't agree with the one just related to me....I do think hard when i think it's important...and try to prevent people...and i believe we all have to do...So, until Laura herself, does not give more info about the kids situation in what i have put in bold...we won't be sure but, when doubts and quite many posts go in the same direction, maybe it's something to think more about...

In Lauras post she stated "the kids are here" as to a reason not to move out of state. Then she went on to say she was realising how little patience her husband has. I doubt she meant to relate these two things together. If you want to speculate then go ahead, but I think this board gets enough of that. To me Laura is giving personal details because she doesn't know what else to do. If she wanted to say her husband was dangerous around her children I am sure she would have done so it is not your place or anyone elses to fill in the blanks. She doesn't need to come back here and have to explain what she meant or didn't mean. She wants advice not guesses, she wants comfort not accusations. I disagree with putting words into someones mouth. What you are implying is not what she shared, so why bring it up? Read her post again word for word without [/b]adding to it. The only person guessing here is you. All your post is going to do is get others on board making accusations that her husband is some kind of child abuser. Laura did not say..........my husband has no patience with my children! VJ and its soap operas.

NO I don't think it is my place to "prevent people" from doing anything, especially when I have not one clue what they need to to be prevented from!

Bethanie, again, with all due respect...:

1. i have asked question about those words, which is not making assumption, to me

your statement is angry and presents confusions..In addition, you identify your situation with hers...hm!!!...

2. when you stated that she asked advice and support, i ask you: empty words of support or maybe trying to understand her reality...Don't you think that all who adviced to do voluntary work has not already been spoken before she came here...Why is that you take his part...What is it that he did that proves he helped her in anything?....

3. I am not here to convince anybody...if you do not agree, it's ok with me...but tell me if somebody found a solution on here...I doubt. Why? because the problem is more important...and here is not the place to talk about it, period!...I really don't know what to say more, i have already said a lot...

Not taking in consideration the situation of the kids, is to me preoccupying and shows lack of maturity.

To your statements:

1.>>>Are you now implying my husband is a possible child abuser because I can relate to some of Laura's situation? I am not angry and I am not confused, maybe amazed at ignorance would be a better description.

2.>>>I never suggested volunteer work, I suggested communication! Again you are reading what you want to think you see. It isn't the place to talk about it? Then why did you make up some ####### and post it on an open forum?

3.>>>You aren't convincing anyone, so your doing a fine job. I don't have to agree with something that isn't even the truth. No one is looking for a solution but Laura, the rest of us can only give advice and comfort! What problem is more important? False accusations on your part directed at Laura and her husband? You are correct in that you have said a lot, in fact you have said to much.

I don't typically get into these, I know more than you flame wars but I feel you are TOTALLY out of line! Since I see no followers that agree with anything you have posted, my guess is that I am not the only one that feels this way.

I wonder how you would feel if someone made false accusations towards your SO! You have now not only done this to Laura but to me as well. Get off your high horse, or sofa and get a grip on reality life isn't a daytime television show.

Laura if you come back, feel free to send me a message I have to get off this thread before I get myself tossed off the site!

Corrections: if you have asked me what I meant by this and that...here are some thoughts.

1. by identifying your story with Laura's I meant you can not compare or give advice because: Laura is the only provider/materially in her household, which is very different of your couple's situation. So, YOUR assumption that I would have said about your husband is TOTALLY out of the line, and strange to me. This exageration (among others of the same type you have projected on me, is significant to me you are angry at me for some reason that i don't understand)...How can i make such "assumption" as i don't know your husband: that's, again, totally unreasonable on your part. And i am not ignorant, i have some experience with this topic, so all the assumptions or teenagers provocative insults on here, don't bother me at all, because i know what i say makes some sens...Overall Bethany, i honestly doubt you know anything about how to handle this situation and have knowledge about children implied in such much absence of their mother, especially the consequences later on...

2. How can you advice communication, when the guy seems not to want to, but to return in UK. Where do you see he is open to communication. He is not, and this is the reality, again you don't see it. What "#######" did I make here?...Can you please quote me precisely??? And still you "omitted" to answer my question:Why do you take his part? and I add now, versus the wellbeing of the kids, and What in all he did, tells you he did ANYTHING to help Laura? Strange omission...Are you sure YOU are in the reality on this point? I doubt.

Just from these 2 points, and also of what i have put in bold, you are asuming a lot that i have said or implied...I know what i have said, and i don't identify with your dicourse...Another example you omitted to read other's posts that bassicaly said the same thing as me...so I correct you: I am not the only one...So i have to correct you like that on and on...And remind you if you read what i have put in bold and repeated 2-3 times now: i have asked a question...

I don't recognize you Bethany...it's like you are not the same person ...i don't know why you are like that...especially why you refuse to see the reality...of the kids...and assume or "be sure" about stuff is not true...

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Overall Bethany, i honestly doubt you know anything about how to handle this situation and have knowledge about children implied in such much absence of their mother, especially the consequences later on...

Pff *big deep breath*. Well I lived it and still living it! Seeing that you have done so much "RESEARCH" and are an obvious expert on the situation I am going to leave you to it love. No further reason for me to explain my life or my choices, just as the OP doesn't have to explain hers.

Just a side note:

You have also spelled my name incorrectly, one more reason to read what is written.

[knowledge 0]

Overall Bethany, i honestly doubt you know anything about how to handle this situation and have knowledge about children implied in such much absence of their mother, especially the consequences later on...

Pff *big deep breath*. Well I lived it and still living it! Seeing that you have done so much "RESEARCH" and are an obvious expert on the situation I am going to leave you to it love. No further reason for me to explain my life or my choices, just as the OP doesn't have to explain hers.

Just a side note:

You have also spelled my name incorrectly, one more reason to read what is written.

Since when i'm your "love", which i certainly do not allow you, in this context. I have brought you some arguments to clarify about, you didn't answer my questions, or answers to explain them. If what you call "communication" is not answering important questions related to kids well being, then I don't see the necessity you make fun of my english, because i'm in a learning process..How easy is to make personal statements, again, in this serious and important context..Soo my big appologies that i have mespelled your name. You can be sure i have no problem to not be interested in your insults, exagerated assumptions on my account, because, you don't know anything to do with this topic, except show off your big ego. Have a good day!

ps. i have never either told you how to live your life, again, take care with paranoia thoughts..it seems the lady does not want to see the reality...pfffff

[Kez/JWolf 6]

I did not see the OP at anytime asking for comments about her children or her relationship with her husband so why do you feel the need to comment when you do not know all the facts...... better to just answer her question and leave it at that..... sometimes your thoughts are better kept in your own head....

Kez

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Overall Bethany, i honestly doubt you know anything about how to handle this situation and have knowledge about children implied in such much absence of their mother, especially the consequences later on...

Pff *big deep breath*. Well I lived it and still living it! Seeing that you have done so much "RESEARCH" and are an obvious expert on the situation I am going to leave you to it love. No further reason for me to explain my life or my choices, just as the OP doesn't have to explain hers.

Just a side note:

You have also spelled my name incorrectly, one more reason to read what is written.

Since when i'm your "love", which i certainly do not allow you, in this context. I have brought you some arguments to clarify about, you didn't answer my questions, or answers to explain them. If what you call "communication" is not answering important questions related to kids well being, then I don't see the necessity you make fun of my english, because i'm in a learning process..How easy is to make personal statements, again, in this serious and important context..Soo my big appologies that i have mespelled your name. You can be sure i have no problem to not be interested in your insults, exagerated assumptions on my account, because, you don't know anything to do with this topic, except show off your big ego. Have a good day!

ps. i have never either told you how to live your life, again, take care with paranoia thoughts..it seems the lady does not want to see the reality...pfffff

Not waisting my energy, the ignore button is so much simpler.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

You know what's hilarious, Bethanie??? No..ok..I'll tell you. I just spent 15 minutes composing a reply to this absolutely ludicrious stuff, and then deleted it all in the end and said ah, nmmmmm. Sooooo not worth it.

Laura & Ian I wish you nothing but the best....pm if you ever wanna chat! M.

[Fandango 1,439]

Laura's choices with her children have NOTHING to do with this...so everyone here should just keep them out of their posts! It's not right to talk about another's children when none of us know the real situation!!!

This thread was started based on a common problem with immigrating spouses....and that problem only!!! Either stick to the topic, or I will ask Ewok to close this thread. REally, I don't mean to be such an @sshole about it, but we should all draw the line when discussing a mother's children. They are not fodder for message board pizzing contests. (Bethanie, I DON'T mean you here)

The only difference with Laura's situation and every other immigrant spouse's hard adjustment is that Laura herself is re-adjusting too. So stick to topic, folks, and have some fcukin respect.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Laura's choices with her children have NOTHING to do with this...so everyone here should just keep them out of their posts! It's not right to talk about another's children when none of us know the real situation!!!

This thread was started based on a common problem with immigrating spouses....and that problem only!!! Either stick to the topic, or I will ask Ewok to close this thread. REally, I don't mean to be such an @sshole about it, but we should all draw the line when discussing a mother's children. They are not fodder for message board pizzing contests. (Bethanie, I DON'T mean you here)

The only difference with Laura's situation and every other immigrant spouse's hard adjustment is that Laura herself is re-adjusting too. So stick to topic, folks, and have some fcukin respect.

You have touched on exactly what I would like to have posted about. You have went through the adjustment phase as well after spending time living in England. Laura has a lot on her plate, and if her situation was anything like ours surely Ian took care of her when she was living with him across the pond. Tim and I talked about this during lunch yesterday..... Sometimes one gives more here or there, and then the other is stronger in another area. It is constant give and take but when one gets into she/he has done or given more, you are going to have problems. Then if you toss in the fact one person is moving from across the world you add more to the adjustment phase.

The whole I am going back to England comment really doesn't shock me at all. Looking at our relationship it is easy to see where that statement would come from. It is a very hurtful thing to hear I have heard it once and doubt I will again. Its a very rational comment really. The non USC enters a country with no friends, no family, most can't even drive a car. My husband can drive, but if he wanted to just get away from a situation, where would he go without getting lost? Most of us when in a nasty argument just want to get away! The non USC has no where to get away too, except their respected country. So though it sounds nasty and mean, in my situation it was all he had. The impact is sometimes greater than ones intent.

Ian is coming from a country as good if not better than the Ol' US of A. If he didn't work in an old folks home over there, I doubt he would want to volunteer to work in one here. This would be like asking him to take several steps down. His pride is probably already damaged enough because he is unable to work, now you toss one more slap to the mans ego. Sure volunteer work for some is probably fine and dandy and a great way to get out and meet people, but it isn't going to be the solution for everyone!

To suggest Ian is some kind of jerk that needs to be on the next boat out is a bunch of schiat, he is adjusting as is Laura. The two of them are on an equal playing field in my opinion, both giving up something to be with the other. Those struggles have to be worked through, with communication and there is going to be conflict and hurt just as there would be in any relationship. 'Cept in our relationships we have language barriers, long distances, cultural differences etc. Isn't always easy!

Certainly I can only give it from my situation, and am only trying to point out there is so much more to these relationships than.............You are in America baby and you should be thrilled about it!

[Kez/JWolf 6]

Tim and Bethanie..... you are spot on.... nice post

Kez

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Tim and Bethanie..... you are spot on.... nice post

Kez

Aww shucks Kezzie. I am however not qualified to an opinion due to lack of experience in this area.

[Kez/JWolf 6]

lol I know that feeling.... I am not qualified either... I only have 2 marriages and 1 divorce + 2 kids and 1 grandchild + moved to a new country + gone through all the ####### from USCIS..... so no I know nothing...

Kez