Ian is really having a tough time over here

[EBONY_SEAN 1]

If somebody culd explain to me how the bus lines work.... my husband, his friends and his whole fam. aint got no clue since they never take the bus....

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GO TO THE NEAREST SUBWAY STATION AND ASK FOR A TRAIN MAP THEY MAY EVEN HAVE A BUS MAP ANYWAY YOU GO HOME AND STUDY IT AND THEN NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT.

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

Laura, I mean this in the nicest way...but tell him to get over it.

You two are a team, a partnership....if his inclination is to cut & run, well that's bollocks. You left your life with your children for him, yet he can't sit still till the red tape gets done? Sit him in front of the computer...let him twiddle around on ebay or summat. What about helping you? Can he not pick up some slack since you're working so hard? It's not summer camp where you need to think of things for him to do while you're workin your azz off to provide for the fam.

And...go back to England? Where's he livin? What job's he goin back to? #######?

I'm sorry, maybe I'm in a bad mood, but I simply cannot understand how he could have expected any different this early on. I do hope you guys get it sorted!

I don't usually agree with LisaD But I agree now.. and what others have said... He is being totally Self-Centered... And honestly..When the chips are down is when you separate the Children from the Adults...

and who is going to pay for the ticket back...Heck whats that..2-3-4 weeks wages.. ??? So he is willing to take money from your pocket book because he can't have alittle patients...and work to help support so he takes and makes it even worse.... If I was him I'd be more concerned with helping you as much as he can and not be a burden..

Heck maybe he can find alittle under the table work ? Im not promoting this..but it's just one of those idea's..

I'd say he is more home-sick then not being able to work-sick

Edited January 21, 2007 by Chris-n-Veronica

[Lizzy 0]

If it is causing huge arguments, I'd say tell him to go back to England.

tough love chuckie, tough love!

right.

LMAO To funny!

[Fandango 1,439]

You really think CC will make him feel better when he's given up his job, basically is at odds with his new identity, then as a 30-something man find himself in night school with 18 year olds?

Why would it necessarily be night school with 18 years olds? (And he actually cared about that, he's got much bigger problems which maybe he does). I would give anything to have the time to take classes in something I'm interested in but never studied - art history, religion, cooking, etc. I can't imagine someone having tons of free time and simply not finding a way to spend it - there's a whole word out there.

Well, maybe I didn't put it right, but you're looking at it from the perspective of not having enough time...he's looking at it as having TOO much time...and imo...if me and D were in that position, he'd prolly see it that he's fannying about with classes while feeling 'not manly' by not working.

But tbh, FOR ME if I were in this position, I'd take it on in a 'suck it up' attitude. A marriage is a marriage, and a wife does not need to be a camp counselor. I'm sure there is plenty of him to do around the house, computer, etc without Laura having to think up new ways to occupy his time....

and C&V - u know u love me and agree with me always

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

Wow I hope some of you never have to experience homesickness. That's all I have to say.

Good luck to Ian on his adjustment. Remind him that studies have shown that it takes about 7 years to fully adjust to a new country.

5 more years to go for me and it is getting better, but yes, I have been there and done that. Lived through the hard times and the happy times. It's not easy and I hope he finds some support from friends/family.

[Fandango 1,439]

Wow I hope some of you never have to experience homesickness. That's all I have to say.

Good luck to Ian on his adjustment. Remind him that studies have shown that it takes about 7 years to fully adjust to a new country.

5 more years to go for me and it is getting better, but yes, I have been there and done that. Lived through the hard times and the happy times. It's not easy and I hope he finds some support from friends/family.

I did and I still feel the way I do

[Fandango 1,439]

Wow I hope some of you never have to experience homesickness. That's all I have to say.

Good luck to Ian on his adjustment. Remind him that studies have shown that it takes about 7 years to fully adjust to a new country.

5 more years to go for me and it is getting better, but yes, I have been there and done that. Lived through the hard times and the happy times. It's not easy and I hope he finds some support from friends/family.

I'm going to add a lil to my last response to ya so you can understand why I replied the way I did.

Most of us here are separated, or have been until the visa's issued. Laura left her home to go live there with him, she adjusted to his life, yadda yadda....now the difference is...I'm sure Laura herself is having difficulty of settling back in too....it's not like he flew to her who already has her own existance here. She left that and is rebuilding it WITH him.

I feel this way because I've been there...sh!t, I'm kinda still there. I lived there for years, and yeah I mention that a lot, but I'm saying it again for clarity. I left my job, my fam, my house, blah blah blah...most of us have been there, done that. But coming BACK? I'm like a fish outta water. Starting over in a new career, new area, can't buy my house back....and the adjustment is hard. If I came back WITH David, it's be even more difficult cos you feel this sense of 'it's gotta all get sorted fast' so that their transition is the easiest it can be. But what about hers? And does SHE really need the stress of worrying that he's going to cut & run until he gets his EAD? Where's her support? He's clearly homesick and not feeling of much use, but the use he CAN be is to just stick it out...like any marriage would...go thru the rough bits...I mean JEEZ if this is the roughest it gets, then THANK GOD!

I feel for Laura because she's having to rebuild an exisistance at the same time as having a hubby who's not adjusting well. So he imo needs to remember the 'in good times and bad' stuff, and stop letting his pride/homesickness/whatever stand in the way of helping his wife thru the transition too.

[Cassie 8]

Wow I hope some of you never have to experience homesickness. That's all I have to say.

Good luck to Ian on his adjustment. Remind him that studies have shown that it takes about 7 years to fully adjust to a new country.

5 more years to go for me and it is getting better, but yes, I have been there and done that. Lived through the hard times and the happy times. It's not easy and I hope he finds some support from friends/family.

Completely agree.

I may not have said "I want to go back" out loud, but I certainly thought it occasionally. Still do sometimes.

[kitkat1 5]

Ian is very upset because here in NY, you can't even get a state ID card without a social security number which you can't get until you have your EAD card.

I'm no authority but even if the cost of going to Community College isn't prohibitive on a single-income family when one doesn't have work authorization, but based on this statement, could he even enroll? It sounds like he can't get his SSN yet.

I know when I was looking into it, the costs for a non-resident were triple those of a resident (and those are bad enough!).

That's a legitimate concern, but most community colleges explain in their application information how to prove residence i.e. Any student may at any time be required to submit proof of residency through either a voter registration card, a driver's license, or utility bills in addition to documentation to establish proof of residence.

I would think that explaining the AOS status and the wait for SSN might be sufficient. In that situation, CC classes are extremely affordable.

In any event, it's a great idea if it works out or if he's interested. If he's not, there's a ton of other stuff he could do.

[Lurker 0]

Sol-de-verano,

Why dont you ask your guy to 'counsel' the other guy who is totally being a jerk?

Attitude can really stress and break marriages and the new fella is not helping the OP. I do not support the culture of people issuing threats in relationships. If you say you want to do something, do it! Dont threaten to do something just for the sake of it.Otherwise, the polite request should always be: 'please shut the f up'.

Classic!!!

[Lurker 0]

oh oh I know...I got it....SPERM BANK!!! Takes a bit a time, earn money, and feels so damn good. How about that?

[knowledge 0]

Wow I hope some of you never have to experience homesickness. That's all I have to say.

Good luck to Ian on his adjustment. Remind him that studies have shown that it takes about 7 years to fully adjust to a new country.

5 more years to go for me and it is getting better, but yes, I have been there and done that. Lived through the hard times and the happy times. It's not easy and I hope he finds some support from friends/family.

We don't know how old are the kids...if they are young..what the "studies" show when they are separated so long from their mother?...I can studies show the damage of the effect of abandonment, much later in adult life...

Sorry, but he is an adult, can get counselling about his "adjustment" issue in community organizations (and how many there are??)...if he could not understand that in UK, he certainly can not now...: that the kids welbeeing is the most important..and it comes first and before adult's needs...period!.. ..Sorry, in this perspective i can certainly not be sensitive to an adult's well being, and not willing to search how to adujst...we here still have to do the thinking work for him...Laura gave him a lot...maybe too much...Maybe it's time he gives back..

[knowledge 0]

Hello everyone. I know it has been a while since I have been on and I do apologise. I have been working as a manager at Wendy's and Ian is ...well...still waiting to hear back about his EAD. I really don't know what to do for him at this point as he is really unhappy folks. He doesn't like New York state as a whole and has finally learned that yes, it is expensive to live here in NY, and now wants me to move out of state. I am all for it apart from one fact. My children are here. He is really getting bored at not being able to work yet and I have suddenly discovered how little patience he has. I remind him of how hard it was for me to wait patiently when I was over in the UK with him for 18 months and had to wait 7 months for his K-3 to go through so I could see my children again. We have filed his AOS and started all that in December. I know most of you are going to laugh and say "are you kidding me? DECEMBER AND HES MOANING!!!", I ask that you keep in mind that Ian is a worker and always has been. He hates sitting around doing nothing. I have given him suggestions of things to do whilst I am at work, but even that gets to be old. He is now contemplating going back to the UK to wait out his work card then will come back. I don't agree with that choice, but all I want is for him to be happy and if that is what will help, then I guess I have nothing else to say but to let him go. I personally feel that it would be a waste of money because the EAD card comes sooner than he realises. We did get an RFE for the I-485 in regards to the finances, but at the time of filing, I wasn't working. I know have a job that pays more than the required amount and I have sent in the response for that about two weeks ago give or take a few days. Can anyone tell me, approximately how long does it take for the EAD??? Ian is very upset because here in NY, you can't even get a state ID card without a social security number which you can't get until you have your EAD card.

Can anyone out there please give me some advice??? I love this man with all my heart and it is tearing me apart to see him so unhappy. The arguments have not been pretty to say the least.

Thanks in advance

LJ

I re-read again the initial post....Laura, what do you mean by he "loosing patience sudenly"? with the kids "here" ???(what i put in bold) ...are you reading? are you ok?...

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Knowledge, I can't speak for Laura, but if I had to make an educated guess (or, just read where the words are placed in the sentence) I would say that those are two separate thoughts. I don't imagine she OR the kids are in any danger of physical harm, etc. if that's what you're thinking...(not sure that's what you meant?) *It's my belief* that she just meant he didn't really have a real reason to show her his impatient side before, and now it's very much come to light.

Good luck, Laura! M.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Hello everyone. I know it has been a while since I have been on and I do apologise. I have been working as a manager at Wendy's and Ian is ...well...still waiting to hear back about his EAD. I really don't know what to do for him at this point as he is really unhappy folks. He doesn't like New York state as a whole and has finally learned that yes, it is expensive to live here in NY, and now wants me to move out of state. I am all for it apart from one fact. My children are here. He is really getting bored at not being able to work yet and I have suddenly discovered how little patience he has. I remind him of how hard it was for me to wait patiently when I was over in the UK with him for 18 months and had to wait 7 months for his K-3 to go through so I could see my children again. We have filed his AOS and started all that in December. I know most of you are going to laugh and say "are you kidding me? DECEMBER AND HES MOANING!!!", I ask that you keep in mind that Ian is a worker and always has been. He hates sitting around doing nothing. I have given him suggestions of things to do whilst I am at work, but even that gets to be old. He is now contemplating going back to the UK to wait out his work card then will come back. I don't agree with that choice, but all I want is for him to be happy and if that is what will help, then I guess I have nothing else to say but to let him go. I personally feel that it would be a waste of money because the EAD card comes sooner than he realises. We did get an RFE for the I-485 in regards to the finances, but at the time of filing, I wasn't working. I know have a job that pays more than the required amount and I have sent in the response for that about two weeks ago give or take a few days. Can anyone tell me, approximately how long does it take for the EAD??? Ian is very upset because here in NY, you can't even get a state ID card without a social security number which you can't get until you have your EAD card.

Can anyone out there please give me some advice??? I love this man with all my heart and it is tearing me apart to see him so unhappy. The arguments have not been pretty to say the least.

Thanks in advance

LJ

I re-read again the initial post....Laura, what do you mean by he "loosing patience sudenly"? with the kids "here" ???(what i put in bold) ...are you reading? are you ok?...

You are reading to much into that.

Laura I really wish you the best in this. Not only are you pulling the full work load, adjusting to being back here and dealing with getting back into the swing of mom, you are also having to deal with your husbands adjustments to a new life as well. Our life wasn't perfect the first couple of months either. Tim had to adjust to living in a family unit again vs alone, he has had to learn to deal with teenagers rather than his young children and at times he just felt out of place. We have been to the point of tears a couple of times as we adjust to our new life together. Communication works the best, no matter what you have to say just say it. You really have to get into the depth of what is going, be patient and understanding and explain things the way you see them. Also try to help him understand you ARE there for him and YOU BOTH will get through this.

We as the USC do have to have extra understanding and an open mind when it comes to what our other halves are facing, but we don't have to wallow about in a pitty party with out SO or be threatened with "I'm going home" (been there done that). I found that stepping up and carrying the extra weight for him helps at times, and when that drains me I let him know. He then seems to realize what his moods do to me and we move on with our happy little life again.

It isn't easy job or no job. Tim has worked from nearly day one and has still went through adjustments. For those of you who are beginning, or in the middle of the process do enter this with eyes wide open. During the process you only want to be together and when you are finally together it isn't always peachy there is so much adjustment for the non USC.

I could never tell someone what visa to apply for because everyone is different, but will say I think waiting out a CR1 when the non USC is a man is worth it. Just as Mags stated in her post, men have that thing built into them where they want to be the provider. You see less of the gals stressing on not getting an EAD rather than then men, maybe something to that and something worth thinking about when making a visa choice. Is it better to be together quicker and deal with more stress or better to wait it out for a different visa with less restrictions and at least be finacially more stable? To each his own of course, just an observation after 2.5 years on this board.

There is my ramble.......