Wife's mental problems are making things too difficult.

[neocarbunkle 2]

I am not sure what to do about my marriage, and particularly what to do about visas.

I met my wife while living in Japan, she is half Japanese half Chinese, with Japanese citizenship. Going into marriage I knew that she had body dismorphic disorder, so she was overly concerned about her appearance, and that she struggled in social situations like going to church, riding a crowded train, and even meeting my family (she locked herself up in the guest room the entire time we were at my parents place). But I loved her and thought that if I just gave her enough loving support she would get better, so I married her.

We both live in Japan, and while Japan looks small on a map, there is actually a good relative distance between her mother's apartment and my apartment (about 3 and 1/2 hours). She originally had a rehabilitation type job where she cleaned a small office. The pay was next to nothing, but the boss was a very nice guy and made it as easy and stress free as possible. I thought it was important for her to stay there, so I didn't push to hard to have her move down to where I live. She quit that job about a month after our wedding, but still refused to live with me. She didn't want to leave her comfortable home. Every time the subject would come up, she would scream. Like full on turning into a monster scream, the neighbors have all called and complained about us. So I just had to let her live there and I made the 3 and 1/2 hour trip every week to see her.

The screaming has become almost an everyday thing. Anytime something doesn't go her way, she starts getting louder and louder. She has also physically attacked me three separate times. While physically it doesn't really hurt, emotionally it does. She isn't evil or anything, she hates herself for doing this more than anyone else. I can tell just by looking at her that the girl I know is gone when she is like this. It really is like bruce banner / incredible hulk.

My current job ends on Friday and after that I am going to stay at her place (with her mom, fun!) for a month before I go to China to teach English. It is supposed to be "we go to China" but she doesn't want to go and has been screaming a lot more than normal lately. It is crazy that she is acting this way because we have been talking about this for years, and when she visited Beijing earlier this year the only thing that could get her to come back to Japan was me promising her that we would go back. So just to end the screaming, I told her that I would go first (I already signed a contract) and she could come when she is ready.



So sorry for that long intro into my visa related problem, can I still apply for a US green card even if we are not living together? I have evidence for the application like train receipt showing that I have visited her town every week and that we have gone out together on several occasions, his and hers bank cards with matching account numbers, airline tickets and passport stamps for trips done together, etc... but I don't know how an immigration officer would think about our marriage. Unless you really get into how mentally ill my wife is, it looks like a scam marriage.

And then there is divorce. I felt like I might have made a big mistake from day one. We actually fought on the day of our wedding. Everything has been going downhill for a while with only a small peak of good times. I have told myself that I will divorce her over and over, but never got around to actually doing it. Sometimes it is because I get one of those good time peaks, sometimes it is because I worry that she might take such a serious mental hit from it that she would never recover, or worse kill herself. I don't know if I will ever get around to divorcing her, but I will need the option to move back to America sometime in the near future, so should I just go ahead and apply anyways?

I guess this is more of a rant then anything else, I just really don't know what to do.

Thanks

[khwaidee1 196]

It sounds like your wife needs professional help and maybe pharmacological treatment. Based on what you say, her condition does not sound manageable or that it is getting better. You can not rescue her from an illness that she cannot control. Get your wife the help she needs, then think about the visa issue.

[rayandcherry 10]

You marry someone to be a partner. If your wife can't or doesn't want to be a partner and do what is needed to get back to where she needs to be in order to function in a healthy marriage, then you have some serious reconsiderations to do.

Never marry someone thinking they can be fixed later. Marry them as they are, hold off marriage to wait and see or decide to move on.

Sorry if my verbage sounds cold and finite, but you ultimately have to love yourself and ask yourself if the other person is showing you love or not. My first wife committed suicide (after our divorce) because she refused to get help. I tried everything, including involving her family, who chose to blame it on me and turn a blind eye. I had no choice in the end but to move on and hope that she sought help. She did not and even though it was years later, her death really sent me through a lot of emotions.

So, while our situations might have different particulars, I am a "voice from someone who has been there." Sit down with her and have a very direct and honest talk. Involve family and/or any other support structure you can leverage, but in the end, you must love yourself and decide what you deserve in life, because life is short.

Best wishes on your journey, my friend.

Edited July 23, 2014 by rayandcherry

[Ryan H 3,812]

The last thing you should do is start the spousal visa process. Agree with an earlier poster, get her the help she needs (if she'll even let you).

Edited July 23, 2014 by Ryan H

[JohnR! 5,495]

To asnwer your question yes, you can apply for her visa even though you are not living together, provided that you are planning to move in together and become a couple. She will have to go through the scrutiny of the CR/IR process before she gets her visa.

On a personal note however, I would suggest that before you do so, you help her address her condition with a physician and establish a management protocol, so that she can continue treatment in the US. Thinking forward, you can only imagine what moving to a new country and leaving her life behind will do to her condition, if left untreated. Help her get out of her current situation so that she can process and endure the stress associated with moving to the US. Good luck.

[rlogan 2,036]

But I loved her and thought that if I just gave her enough loving support she would get better, so I married her.

I made the same mistake.

I divorced her. Thank God. Figuratively speaking.

Soooo.... don't do that again!

[Ryan&Joanna 44]

I'm so sorry for your situation, but the priority here should be getting her help, as mentioned by others. This process is long, tiring, emotionally draining, and downright depressing, and that's just for the regular folk. If she's not mentally fit to handle day to day stressors, this is going to be way too much for her to handle. If she won't move with you 3.5 hours away, or to China, would she be willing to move with you all the way to the US?

[subwayguy 100]

Since everybody's taking a rational approach , Let me take the other. You are facing two choices : ditch her right away or stay with her . Either way , you are gonna regret .and you know it.

Sounds to me your relationship is bonded by guilt. Your story reminded me of a saying in Chinese (you could ask your chinese friends or students, it's impossible for me to interpret ) 緣盡情未了 .

Obviously , you care about her enough to post your situation here.

But Maybe there is a serendipitous reason why she didn't want to go to china with you.

Best of luck.

[subwayguy 100]

I doubt if you will ever just divorce her. Because you just don't sound like that .

Are you sure there's not gonna be guilt and regret ? You"ll never think about her again and brings no good or bad memories? When you exchange vows next time , you are not going to feel sorry for the vows you said to her ? ( oh well, maybe they don't say that in japan. )

If I were you, I would try to remembered the good things about her, recall what about her made you attracted to her on the first place, and then seek professional help.

[mimikado 14]

Hello neocarbunkle,

Did I misinterpret, does the green card is for her to move to US ? Does she really want to move ? So far from her mother and her house ? Did you speak about that with her ? It's pratical questions to ask you before going through this kind of process. Of course you did but move to another country can be very stressful even for strong mind people (you know what I mean, you live abroad your own country ^^) and in her case, it can lead to a big depression !

About marriage/divorce (because you speak about that), marring someone hopping change her (in any way) is always a big mistake. And stay with someone because of a kind of bad conscience, too. But it's my personal opinion and it's not a critique. I admire positive people who want to help each other because I cannot.

Edited July 24, 2014 by mimikado

[froschundblumen 25]

It doesn't sound like your wife would be prepared to undergo the visa process, which is stressful and would require her to be in situations that would trigger her conditions and cause her a great deal of strife.

Your first step, as others have said, is to get your wife professional help. Her mental health is the number one priority and it sounds like she is living a very chaotic, extremely stressful life right now. How comfortable are you addressing the subject with her? Make sure you frame the conversation in a way that shows you are concerned, you love her, and you want her to be able to live a full and happy life (preferably with you). If it is something you are comfortable with, offer to go see a psychiatrist or doctor with her. It may be helpful for you to see a therapist on your own, to help you understand how you can help and to sort through the feelings that come with being the spouse of a person with mental illness.

Tell her you will be there for her and support her through the process, but do not allow yourself to become hostage to the situation. Your mental health and your life are just as important as hers, and if you feel trapped or miserable, it is a sign that your relationship needs serious work.

Good luck to you! I hope you and your wife are able to find a path towards a happy life together. :D

[neocarbunkle 2]

Thank everyone. There was a lot of really good advice.

I should have wrote that she is taking medication and she has seen a therapist a few times. But the medication doesn't fix anything, it is just supposed to calm her down a little bit and she has tried a few different therapists, but she still hasn't found a "good" one. Her mother handles all of this stuff, which is good and bad I guess. It is good because as a foreigner, I have no idea how medical care really works here. Maybe it is an excuse but I feel very lost in the whole thing. It is also bad because I don't really know what is going on with her medical care. I can say that she wants nothing more than to get better, but I don't see how she ever will. I think she said once that one of the doctors told her that her brain waves were irregular. I don't think that is something that will get better by just talking about your feelings with a therapist.

There is also a feeling inside me where I think "you lied to me about how mentally ill you are, if I knew how bad you really were I would never have married you, so F you. It's your problem not mine." but then I think that she is a victim in all of this. I think I 50% hate her and 50% love her.

I wish that I could just wait until she was better before applying for a green card, but I need the option to be able to move back to America. It's not impossible to find non English teaching jobs (I have done more than enough of that) but the Japanese work environment is not something I find very appealing.

She says she wants to go to America, but I don't know if she really knows the difference between traveling to America and actually living in America. There is a roller coaster of emotions when you live abroad and the highs will be incredible for her, but the lows will have her crashing down hard. I also don't know if she will ever actually learn English, because (as she claims) her mental disorder makes it hard to concentrate so she just isn't making any progress with English even though she has all of the time in the world. Teaching her one on one doesn't really go any where either. Sometimes it's like her brain stopped developing at 14. I don't know what the doctors have to say about that though.

I told my horribly nagging mother in law that I already mailed off the application. I am afraid that that lie is going to catch up with my at some point.

[Eric-Pris 1,606]

Thanks for sharing your story.

You are much braver man than me. Did you know about all of these issues before you married her? If so, that says a lot about your character and heart. I (and I believe most men or women) would not have taken on a "project" like that on. That's really what it is for you. Sounds like this is going to take a lot of time and money and no assurance it will ever get better, since per your own words, it hasn't improved. There's no way she can get through the visa process, much less live away from the comfort of her mother's house.

Personally, I think you are fighting an un-win-able battle. I fear for YOUR sanity, but also your safety as well. You already mentioned that she has physically attacked you multiple times. What's to say that one day, you are at home sleeping and she gets off her meds or whatever, and gets some crazy idea in her head and stabs you in your sleep. I know it's very extreme, but with mental patients, sometimes they just go off for no apparent reason.

It sounds like her mother is the one who wants her to go to the US, not her.

Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

[waka1 28]

My friend who's Vietnamese and lives in Boston had an arranged marriage to a girl from San Francisco. It appears she has a similar condition, she refuses to leave the house, clean the house, to learn english, take care of her baby etc. His life is a living hell and it has been ten years.

Think, if you bring children into this world, how would manage their safety and well being ? Maybe you need to sit down and talk to a professional, as it seems 50% hate and 50% love don't add up to 100%. I'm not being critical of you, but simply pointing out you seem stuck in a loop.

my .02 cents

[froschundblumen 25]

Thank everyone. There was a lot of really good advice.

I should have wrote that she is taking medication and she has seen a therapist a few times. But the medication doesn't fix anything, it is just supposed to calm her down a little bit and she has tried a few different therapists, but she still hasn't found a "good" one. Her mother handles all of this stuff, which is good and bad I guess. It is good because as a foreigner, I have no idea how medical care really works here. Maybe it is an excuse but I feel very lost in the whole thing. It is also bad because I don't really know what is going on with her medical care. I can say that she wants nothing more than to get better, but I don't see how she ever will. I think she said once that one of the doctors told her that her brain waves were irregular. I don't think that is something that will get better by just talking about your feelings with a therapist.

There is also a feeling inside me where I think "you lied to me about how mentally ill you are, if I knew how bad you really were I would never have married you, so F you. It's your problem not mine." but then I think that she is a victim in all of this. I think I 50% hate her and 50% love her.

I wish that I could just wait until she was better before applying for a green card, but I need the option to be able to move back to America. It's not impossible to find non English teaching jobs (I have done more than enough of that) but the Japanese work environment is not something I find very appealing.

She says she wants to go to America, but I don't know if she really knows the difference between traveling to America and actually living in America. There is a roller coaster of emotions when you live abroad and the highs will be incredible for her, but the lows will have her crashing down hard. I also don't know if she will ever actually learn English, because (as she claims) her mental disorder makes it hard to concentrate so she just isn't making any progress with English even though she has all of the time in the world. Teaching her one on one doesn't really go any where either. Sometimes it's like her brain stopped developing at 14. I don't know what the doctors have to say about that though.

I told my horribly nagging mother in law that I already mailed off the application. I am afraid that that lie is going to catch up with my at some point.

I'm so sorry you have to be in this position.

It sounds like you are really conflicted and understandably so.

What do you see your options as?

At this point, are you 100% sure you want to go through the visa process with this woman? Are you prepared to take on her illness? It seems as if she has much more than body dysmorphic disorder and requires serious care.

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a conversation about this as a married couple and I know that will probably be very, very difficult with her condition, but it is the only option as far as I can see. Otherwise, you need to make some tough decisions for your own good. It's your life and you deserve happiness.