Dealing with negative people

[NJ93 6]

They're jealous. It's killing them that they don't have balls for adventure.

[keysjangle 145]

I moved to the U.S. from Canada. The two countries obviously have a long history, good and bad. I grew up seeing American news - from elections, to mass shootings, to Westboro Baptist Church, to 9/11 (we were pulled out of class in grade 7 to watch the news in the auditorium with the rest of the school.) America does have a lot of strange people who believe strange things, and are not ashamed to tell you and anyone else who will listen about them. The same goes for every country. Just like people in Germany may see Americans as conspiracy nuts, fearfully hiding in their homes for fear of the next mass shooting, people in the States still look down on Germany for WWII, hell, some call their own president Hitler.

Ignore it all. Do not be mad at them, do not act out against them. Turn your cheek and act with grace. Their problems with your decision are not your responsibility. I know you've been told this a thousand times, but those who would sacrifice their friendship with you over unfounded ideas, ignorance, or prejudice were not going to be by your side in the long haul anyway. You'll make new friends in a new country, and of course you'll have your wife by your side which is the point of all of this.

You are not on this planet to make anyone else happy, and you'll never succeed if you try. That being said, do not burn bridges. Some people really need the time to accept these sorts of upsets in their lives - like your parents.

Best of luck to you

Edited July 22, 2014 by Gervl

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Dude - nailed it about some Canadian attitiudes!

To the OP - I think many of us have experienced the same thing you are right now. People don't understand and they aren't comfortable with what you're doing (and can;t imagine doing it themselves) so they either drop off as friends or say stupid stuff or make judgmental statements about a country they really only know from the news (mistake #1)

I think it's common for people who have only experienced the U.S. through American media to have those kinds of negative opinions. A lot of Canadians have a very skewed perception of America too (that it's a corrupt country full of gun-toting religious nuts who eat fried foods all day). It's SUCH a shame that people who have never visited a country or met an American would jump to these conclusions. It sounds to me like your friends are falling prey to this mentality.

The truth about the states is that there are ALL kinds of people here, the majority being kind, generous, friendly and welcoming. Once you get here, you will immediately feel at home.

My only advice on dealing with your "friends'" anti-American attitudes is to distance yourself from those people. That is not the kind of energy you need around you right now. Surround yourself with positive people who are supportive and encouraging.

Good luck!

[waka1 28]

I agree, but witnessing that all my "friends" and my family wants me to feel guilty, like a traitor, worthless... They WANT me to feel bad...

A friend of mine said: "Oh youre gonna get shot in AZ". "and probably gonne end up homeless since there is no welfare nor help for jobless people at all, good luck with that, youre gonna miss Germany a lot then".

I got so MAD.

WG, My ex-wife runs a small Munich based IT company in the US, maybe 150 people worldwide. The company HQ and engineering are located just south of Munich with about 100 employees. The US office with 7 employees makes 50% of the profit worldwide. The two German's engineers who live here in the US, love it and do not want to go back to Bavaria.

On the Bavarian side of things I've found the company to be a mean, backstabbing lot. My ex and all the American employees are treated like dogs, including their fellow Germans in the US. No one in the US office has had a raise in 12 years and everyone including the 2 Germans in the US are stigmatized and outed. If 7 people in the US office are making 50% of the worldwide profits, one would think they would be rewarded and a source of pride and loyalty. To the credit of the US office they do their job without rancor or bitterness. I believe I know how you feel, but do not let you and your new wife's life be dictated by anyone's prejudice including your friends and family. They will come around eventually, or not. Your wife and life are soon to be in the US, so enjoy!

[alicia98981 128]

I'm in Germany pretty frequently and based on my experience of having lived there as a child and my frequent trips there monthly, it is no different than the US. Sure some things there are more practical but America is so big, it's hard to say the whole country as a whole is unsafe. As long as you have the love and support of your fiance none of the other stuff from other people matters. He will be with you every step of the way. And trust me, there are plenty German people living in the US. My close friend's husband is just got his AOS approved and he's German. Lol not to mention the many German wives of military men lol! Try to visit a few times and get a feel for life in the US . . .

[Warri_Gurl 2]

I hate to say this but I am happy to say this. Thank Goodnmess my husband and myself are not alone. Thanks for being brave enough to post this!

Edited July 23, 2014 by seun&nicole

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

I think my husband had some of this to a certain extent. Marrying a foreigner was well, foreign, to his circle of people. Unlike a lot of Americans, myself included, who know a fair number of inter-cultural and international relationships, they just didn't have that experience. Some of it is also a little tribal, marrying an outsider is diluting the tribe and pulling you away from your culture. To some extent, this is true. My husband thinks in English, he forgets how to speak in Danish and he isn't there for holidays and for his family.

When you move outside of an area that you "belong", people are always going to be upset. People were upset when I moved to Denmark, upset when my husband moved to America, and recently they are upset that we've moved from Connecticut to Minnesota! They are actually seriously pissed off that we've moved within the country.

I've heard all the anti-American sentiments as well and personal attacks on me, the US citizen, for daring to take away a beloved Dane. What can you do though? If love is important, then love comes first.

[nab-400 16]

Each place has it bad and good things, all I can is you are moving for your fiancé and that's what matter, your friend will not be always with and if they are true friends they will support you and try to make the transition easier on you, my advise is follow what your heart is telling but always be smart and take your decision carefully, in the end you will be with poeple you love. Good luck

[liz&Ivan 6]

Trust me even coming from the same culture is still difficult with what everyone else think also. I was born in the US but from Cuban parents and my fiance was born in cuba he is the beneficiary. through all this I have seen all the mixed emotions from everyone but my true friends have stuck through it with me. Some people think I'm crazy lol but I dont care. I know what I have with my fiance and it is a wonderfull two year relationship and we have survived the journey that is not easy on anyone. Enjoy your journey with your fiancé and dont look back. America is a wonderful place to live!!!! good luck on your journey

[Jon York 156]

Hi all.

I am the beneficiary moving to the US, Arizona, on a K1 Visa. I need and I seriously feel the need to vent here as I have dealt with too many NEGATIVE people.

Okay, lets start with my own friends here in Germany: As soon as they knew I am going through a K1 Visa process with my Fiance, they changed their behavior. 2 people broke up contact with me. Ive never heard of them again. They were, at the beginning, so "supportive and interested" in my relationship to a US Citizen. But behind our backs, they were insulting and attacking us. I am from Germany - Bavaria - traditional country.

They have called me a traitor, betrayer (betraying them for going to the US), they have called me stupid, dumb, etc. Behind our backs on of these persons started to spread BS about "America" and "Americans" as a whole. That America is such a bad horrible country. At fault for all the misery going on in the whole world. That americans are.... you name it!

Okay, my family?

My Mother and my Dad are making MONEY BETS that "our marriage is not going to work out", because they think that "I ll never make it in the US, life is too hard, homeless people everywhere, masshootings". Thats how they picture America. I have no one to support me over here.

My friends in Bavaria turned their backs on me! Hardly anyone is talking to me anymore! I am serious!! Maybe 2 - 3 people, the rest seems always to "know it all better", to tell me "that I must stay in Germany, because USA is so horrible, bad", they make it all look bad, they also make ME and my Fiance look bad. Ive had phone calls where I pick up the phone and the other guys are just insulting me for moving to the US. Well, basiscally saying: Are you ###### up or stupid, man?! ...

I dont know if its the german, especially Bavarian Mentality. But everyone is bitching about the USA, complaining, that me moving there is horrible, that I will suffer in the States, that life there is extremely nasty and bad, that I am not going to make it, etc. etc. etc!

I know a few americans also, of course, besides my Fiance and her family. And them? Well, lets put it that way: They are SO FULL of conspiracy theories that its HARD to talk to them about America and LIFE in America without stuff like "the cops are ###### everyone up!!!" "its all the governments fault!!!" "yes they are turning it all against us".

They make ME also feel as if moving to the States is like spending time in Prison together with my Fiance ! Ive heard stuff, nasty stuff, my god people, yall would be either angry or embarrassed, too.

Short: My "Social Environment" is not supporting me mentally or emotionally. At all. Not a tiny little bit. The amount of negativity that people throw at me is overwhelming. Even the americans in my life seem to ###### ###### ######, driven my FEAR and more FEAR, sorry guys, but the conspiarcy theory bullshit that Ive heard from them over the time is unbelieveable...

WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING WRONG, People ?!?!

What am I supposed to do?

I feel like not talking to anyone anymore. I am so fed up, seriously. Did you go throug similiar things?

I've spent a lot of time in Europe and I find the America that is portrayed in their media is not at all the America I know. To hear them tell it - every living American will be murdered by the end of the year! People are starving in the streets and it's just hell on earth. In France they call it the "American conditions". And anytime anything bad happens in France they say it's becoming like America!

Your friends have probably bought into that. But don't believe a word of it! You will have an absolutely beautiful time in Arizona. It's clean, modern, beautiful. I've never seen a homeless person there. I'm sure there are some, but you have to purposely seek them out to find them! That crazy sheriff someone mentioned earlier, whatever one may think of his politics, he has done a great job on crime.

Yes, there are a few conspiracy kooks here. They're in liberal areas just as much as they are in conservative areas. I make it a point to stay away from them and I live my life just fine - almost as if they don't exist at all.

Do you talk to your fiance about all this and how you're feeling? Surely he/she could comfort you and make you feel a little better about it, I would think.

Anyway, the bottom line is - you can safely completely ignore all the horror stories you've heard! It's not going to be like that at all.

Edited July 23, 2014 by Jon York

[Tonester 29]

Hi all.

I am the beneficiary moving to the US, Arizona, on a K1 Visa. I need and I seriously feel the need to vent here as I have dealt with too many NEGATIVE people.

Okay, lets start with my own friends here in Germany: As soon as they knew I am going through a K1 Visa process with my Fiance, they changed their behavior. 2 people broke up contact with me. Ive never heard of them again. They were, at the beginning, so "supportive and interested" in my relationship to a US Citizen. But behind our backs, they were insulting and attacking us. I am from Germany - Bavaria - traditional country.

They have called me a traitor, betrayer (betraying them for going to the US), they have called me stupid, dumb, etc. Behind our backs on of these persons started to spread BS about "America" and "Americans" as a whole. That America is such a bad horrible country. At fault for all the misery going on in the whole world. That americans are.... you name it!

Okay, my family?

My Mother and my Dad are making MONEY BETS that "our marriage is not going to work out", because they think that "I ll never make it in the US, life is too hard, homeless people everywhere, masshootings". Thats how they picture America. I have no one to support me over here.

My friends in Bavaria turned their backs on me! Hardly anyone is talking to me anymore! I am serious!! Maybe 2 - 3 people, the rest seems always to "know it all better", to tell me "that I must stay in Germany, because USA is so horrible, bad", they make it all look bad, they also make ME and my Fiance look bad. Ive had phone calls where I pick up the phone and the other guys are just insulting me for moving to the US. Well, basiscally saying: Are you ###### up or stupid, man?! ...

I dont know if its the german, especially Bavarian Mentality. But everyone is bitching about the USA, complaining, that me moving there is horrible, that I will suffer in the States, that life there is extremely nasty and bad, that I am not going to make it, etc. etc. etc!

I know a few americans also, of course, besides my Fiance and her family. And them? Well, lets put it that way: They are SO FULL of conspiracy theories that its HARD to talk to them about America and LIFE in America without stuff like "the cops are ###### everyone up!!!" "its all the governments fault!!!" "yes they are turning it all against us".

They make ME also feel as if moving to the States is like spending time in Prison together with my Fiance ! Ive heard stuff, nasty stuff, my god people, yall would be either angry or embarrassed, too.

Short: My "Social Environment" is not supporting me mentally or emotionally. At all. Not a tiny little bit. The amount of negativity that people throw at me is overwhelming. Even the americans in my life seem to ###### ###### ######, driven my FEAR and more FEAR, sorry guys, but the conspiarcy theory bullshit that Ive heard from them over the time is unbelieveable...

WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING WRONG, People ?!?!

What am I supposed to do?

I feel like not talking to anyone anymore. I am so fed up, seriously. Did you go throug similiar things?

I go through similar things, so I really understand all your feelings.

I am viewed as a betrayer too, taking into consideration that I am from Russia, a country where majority of people (since the times of Cold War) don't like Americans. When people around me learned that I am in the relationship with an American (long-distance relationship, which is something their narrow minds refused to understand)... I heard a lot of BS, and only a few people supported me from the very beginning.

I am so tired of the fact that people view me almost as enemy of the state. I am tired of hearing all stereotypes they have about America, and I am ASHAMED of people I know and their f***ed up perception of the world... I hate that it may hurt my fiance, because he is amazing and wonderful.

My mother had the same view, but of course, she doesn't have any other way but accepting that I will be leaving soon.

I won't lie if I say that I am SO much looking forward to leave and cut contacts with many people I have to talk to around me. Every day is a struggle, and it's not exhaggeration.

I know it's all is very hard, but we should stay strong, no matter what. You will be in the USA eventually and all mean people will stay where they are with their narrow minds and pathetic views. You can cut contacts with many of them, and you'll be free!

And I recommend listening to "Mean" by Taylor Swift, on repeat, several times. This song is about us Oh, and "breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson too.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

Were in Arizona....its beautiful, but hot...sure we have more mass shootings than most places lol, but the only one close to home was Jared Laughner guy ...other than that, nothing else close to home...its hot as hell here, but monsoons and sunsets are gorgeous. Yes, its true there's not much government help if you somehow lose your job, home, etc like in Europe. Healthcare can be found, but its pretty expensive. If you're prone to gain weight,you will, otherwise, just be careful what you eat...they put salt and sugar in everything. If you work hard, you will make it. America definitely isn't for lazy people or sissies...a lot is screwed up here, but there's positives and negatives everywhere. If your priority is your marriage, then it doesn't matter where you live. True, there are homeless begging on many street corners, but just ignore them. Jk lol. Anyway, I'm sure your friends just are angry you're leaving them. Your patents sound impossible. I hope they warm up to your future wife with time. Good luck. Excuse any typos...

[JIJourney 96]

Just ignore all of the negativity and only stay around positive vibe.

[raven52 233]

Well, I really hate the way people are treating you, they should be happy for you! Especially your friends and family, it must bother you a lot.

As for coming to the USA, yes, it is a wonderful country, and the land of oppurtunities, but, there are judgemental people here also.

I had a K-1 for my Filipino wife, and Filipinos really like Americans, as I made 8 trips to Cebu to be with my wife during our K-1 visa, and now she is in the USA, and has many Filipino friends here. We have not seen your problem, on the scale as you explain, but our support goes out to you to be strong.,.,it is all up to you and your wife to be.

I totally disagree with harpa, as Arizona is one of the states in this country that still has some "sanity" to it, as just walking across the border from the Mexican side is done in other states, some make it some do not! The Governor of Arizona, DOES have a sense of "legal immigration!!"

I will tell you this, yes this is the greatest country in the world, no doubt, with no offense to Germany, which is a huge USA ally.

But, THIS country is the most divided it has been since the "civil war" of the 1860's!!! You will see for yourself when you get here, which I hope is soon, as we all welcome "legal immigrants".,.,.such as my lovely wife, and I have many friends with Filipino wives, but all came here legally.

Just be prepared for a very "divided" country, the USA of now, but the opportunities are here for you, and you can draw your own conculions!!!

[Rose&Jorge 8]

Wow that sounds like a lot of stress.

I always heard the germans didn't like Americans, but didn't relaise some ppl are so negative.

It sounds like your family are scared of losing you.

Also your so called friends are just jealous.

Your being very brave moving to the us, some of them will prob never go any were.

Just ignore them and keep your head up, all that matters is your fiance. :)

If you ever need anybody to talk too, you can always send me a mail.

Sometimes I find it easier to talk to someone you dont actually know.