Dealing with negative people

[subwayguy 100]

I was with somebody from bamberg a while ago, and I've been to Bavaria few times, I found Bavarians very sincere , friendly and kind. Is there anything about your relationship make them concerned about you ? Maybe you are misinterpreting them ? Hope everything works out for you.

[sachinky 465]

If you are already in the US, I be happy to give you my phone number and we can be friends.

If you are still in Germany, I'd be willing to give you my Skype address and we can still be friends.

Hope this doesn't sound too creepy - you do seem like you're in a terrible situation and just need to talk.

[Jawaree 718]

Its jealousy, stay positive, don't tell them any more of your biz or about the process

shut it all down....some I suspect are mad because of current world events but there's

good and bad in every country on earth, most of it is xenophobia also, stay positive

and if U R both in love & respect each other IGNORE them all and good luck

[HoussemAnna 20]

If someone really wanted to be a good friend or family member, even if they didnt agree, they wouldnt abandon you. I know from my experience I have lost family and friends and took it in stride.

If people are making bets on your marriage then I would would cut them out of my life. I would wonder if they would like have their relation put under the same scope and bets laid out. My father even called me one week before I was going to be married and told me I was stupid and i had to basically choose him and family or my spouse, i have since been disowned.

When negative people are always around it does make you more stressed. My solution for this is to stand up for my marriage and i make the choice if they are in my life, and you are so much better without the negative. As for support you can search facebook and maybe find people in the same situation or post here

I know America has it faults and people like to dwell on the bad news from here, but honestly all countries have good and bad aspects, and we arent all gun slinging cowboys here or gang members :D but sometimes you have to visit a country to get a real view of things.

I wish you so much luck and my heartfelt sympathy because I know exactly what you are going through I could write a million things that people said to me, but honestly their words mean nothing.

In the end I have my husband and we are the ones working on the immigration while other have their opinions. they arent paying my bills, paying for immigration,or doing anything so they can worry about their own romance situation and or marriage unless i ask for an opinion...

I hope you can take time and relax and be sure your not the only one, your not alone, and I hope this process goes fast for you

[landr 126]

I've experienced a mixture of reactions, thankfully mostly positive. If anything, the worse offenders have been the "professionals" especially utilities companies who don't want me to cancel my account. Overall, though, my family have been 'meh', friends and former work colleagues have been excited - mostly because I'm going from grey London to sunny California. Personally, I'm both overwhelmed and underwhelmed. Not sure if I'm just drained from all the changes I've made over the last year and the ups and downs of the visa process.

As to what you should do, lower your expectations. You're experiencing a major life change. You can't take everyone with you. You'll lose some people along the way. And some new people will join you. If people cannot be happy for you, then they can at least respect your decision and keep their negativity to themselves. Just let them know that you find their words hurtful. Something to use (from another forum): "I've told you that your words about this are hurtful to me, so if you say these things again then I know you are purposefully trying to cause me pain." Then walk away or hang up. Refuse to engage with these people when they behave like this. Only engage with them if they speak to you respectfully. Unfortunately, you'll also have to do this with your parents. Taking bets on their daughter falling flat on her face is not what I'd call supportive and loving parenting.

[Carla V 43]

It will always be people that tell you bad things and even wish you bad... but you don't live what other tell you or wish you, you live to be happy with whatever decision you make.... I dont think that even if your decision were to move with your wife to Germany the people that give you the back would change, and you should be thankful for that... now you know who are your true friends and the colors of everyone else... Sad that your parents dont support your decisions... but if your happiness is by your fiancee side, let it be... Changing your life, surrondings and everything you know is not easy, is a new life... you have to work to get it working, to keep it working... each day is full of new experiences, the truth is that is never easy but is worth it if the love is the glue that keep you both together... The main thing is your feelings and your willingness to make it work... Good luck and the best wishes... And please.... don't let anyone to dictate how your future will be...

[OLee 64]

Hi all.

I am the beneficiary moving to the US, Arizona, on a K1 Visa. I need and I seriously feel the need to vent here as I have dealt with too many NEGATIVE people.

Okay, lets start with my own friends here in Germany: As soon as they knew I am going through a K1 Visa process with my Fiance, they changed their behavior. 2 people broke up contact with me. Ive never heard of them again. They were, at the beginning, so "supportive and interested" in my relationship to a US Citizen. But behind our backs, they were insulting and attacking us. I am from Germany - Bavaria - traditional country.

They have called me a traitor, betrayer (betraying them for going to the US), they have called me stupid, dumb, etc. Behind our backs on of these persons started to spread BS about "America" and "Americans" as a whole. That America is such a bad horrible country. At fault for all the misery going on in the whole world. That americans are.... you name it!

I understand you perfectly well. Been there. The same happened to me. Except my closest family and probably one friend support me and are happy for me. I was confused at first as most of my friends turned their backs to me though at the beginning they were extremely "interested and excited". It hurt a lot, especially because I was sure our 10-25 years old friendship is strong and we are inseparable.

I talked a lot with my now husband (we knew each other for 8 years, 3 full years were completely together, so there was not a surprise to anyone) cried a lot on his shoulder, I couldn't understand what's going on, why people started rejecting and ignoring me. He came up with one suggestion I will try to tell you in my own words: I am very sociable and positive person, all my life I was being liked and loved by my friends, but I never had a good personal life, my past relationship was a disaster and my friends were extremely supportive. None of them were divorced but me. They kind of felt sorry for me. All of a sudden I am happy! I am in love! My friends seemed to be excited, but deep in their hearts none of them believed it would work (foreigner, American, lives far away, etc.). They started inviting us to the parties or just simple coffee and snacks, everybody "liked" him. And again - BANG! I am getting married! She is happy! How so? It looks like they couldn't cope with my happiness. Probably add a dose of jealousy too.

Stay cool and keep being happy. Your (an I hope - mine) friends will change their mind after a while if they were real friends. If not, just think that you had no friends, but you will find some new ones in the near future. Keep your chin up and don't get easily influence by negativeness.

All the best to you!

[verysadguy 170]

I lived in Bavaria a few years, typically traditional/old fashion, but you also have lots of liberal thinking too. Like Schwabing district for instance.

Arizona is polarized conservative, but a very mixed state. I've lived there, too.

Here is the deal. If you love your girl, and you are set on making a new life, then come to the USA and enjoy. I have many German friends and they love it in the USA.

Many Germans are set in the old ways, even the news today still with anit-semitism etc. no society is perfect.

If your intentions are good and your immigration is legal, get over here, work hard and enjoy life! Willkomen.

[froschundblumen 25]

I think it's common for people who have only experienced the U.S. through American media to have those kinds of negative opinions. A lot of Canadians have a very skewed perception of America too (that it's a corrupt country full of gun-toting religious nuts who eat fried foods all day). It's SUCH a shame that people who have never visited a country or met an American would jump to these conclusions. It sounds to me like your friends are falling prey to this mentality.

The truth about the states is that there are ALL kinds of people here, the majority being kind, generous, friendly and welcoming. Once you get here, you will immediately feel at home.

My only advice on dealing with your "friends'" anti-American attitudes is to distance yourself from those people. That is not the kind of energy you need around you right now. Surround yourself with positive people who are supportive and encouraging.

Good luck!

[OLee 64]

I was just thinking of something else too. By the way, my husband is somewhat "half" German. His Mother and many relatives live in Bavaria too. We visited them all, they were the sweetest people I ever met. But as we are almost neighbors with Germany and from dealing a lot with Germans all my life I got an impression they think they are the best, they always know "better". If you are very good they would say they know somebody "a bit better" than you. No offense, please. I found it very funny . Germans are honest, good and extremely hard working people, but their mind is not so flexible. Give them some time and your friends will get back to you. Maybe they are confused too, maybe they don't know how to react about you leaving them. Be positive, please.

[GurkenSalat 48]

This may have been said, but, what if your friends are just hurt and sad to see you leave and are just very bad at expressing it. Maybe they really don't want to see you go, and they're using this weird strategy to cope. That just my theory... I don't have much to add to what others have said, and I am also sorry you are in this awful situation right now. If you ever want to hear a level-headed view (heh, I flatter myself) of how life is like here in America, or just want to talk, feel free to PM me. I have been here since 2005, so I think I know a thing or two about what it's like and how it is to move to another continent.

The most important thing about America: It's a place. People live here. Tell that to the conspiracy theorists

[ChicagoSarah 127]

Sorry you're having to deal with so much! Not feeling supported during this stressful and life-changing process is not a good situation. But that's part of what VJ is here for...support and encouragement since we're all in similar situations!

I agree with the other posters. People don't understand what they don't know, and it's easy for them to be critical if someone else is being critical (bandwagon if you will).

Talk to your fiance about everything. Find an expat community in your area, stay active on VJ, etc. Could you and your fiance move? Perhaps a different city or state would fit your lives a bit better? I know that living in Chicago has made my husband's transition easier. It's such a diverse city that you can always find someone who ISN'T close-minded to be supportive.

I wish you the absolute best of luck with everything. As others have said...do what you know is right for you, and try not to worry about what everyone else thinks.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Sometimes people tend to be negative about things they are not educated about. Basically, "I don't know anything about Visas or immigration....it must be bad". Or they take little tidbits they hear in the news and through the media and run with it. I have chosen not to tell anyone (except my sister, she's my best friend) about this process. I could tell by their reaction when I told them I was visiting Jamaica to meet my "friend", that they would be incapable of understanding anything about what I was going through, this process, or such a long distance relationship. After hearing so many negative comments just about my visiting, I decided to keep the rest of it to myself. When he gets here and our wedding is planned, then they will see, and possibly open their minds.

Until then, you have friends here. I would not let any of that negativity stop you from a wonderful life with someone you love.

As every place on earth, there is good and bad, negative and positive. No one country is all wonderful or all terrible.....but the love of your life is in the USA. Isn't that all the positivity you need?

[subwayguy 100]

I lived in Bavaria a few years, typically traditional/old fashion, but you also have lots of liberal thinking too. Like Schwabing district for instance.

Arizona is polarized conservative, but a very mixed state. I've lived there, too.

Here is the deal. If you love your girl, and you are set on making a new life, then come to the USA and enjoy. I have many German friends and they love it in the USA.

Many Germans are set in the old ways, even the news today still with anit-semitism etc. no society is perfect.

If your intentions are good and your immigration is legal, get over here, work hard and enjoy life! Willkomen.

I find your accusation , that german news today being anti Semitic is totally groundless . More of a blood libel.

[Kiv 32]

Get ready. When you be in the US, Americans will say “crazy things” about your country based on stereotypes too. You may find it funny.

You cannot educate everybody, people needs to travel and read to know better.

Focus on your personal experience, you are marrying a person not a country, I promise you will find good people in AZ.

I wish you the best!

Edited July 22, 2014 by Kiv