Is he ever going to change?

[Annie123 6]

Thanks everyone for replies!

jfgk1987, thank you so much for sharing your story with me, it really touched me. I feel your pain, I know what it's like. My grandfather on my mom's side was an alcoholic too. Her life was terrible because of that. It took him years to finally go to a hospital. He died at the age of 60 from a massive heart attack. Alcohol is a terrible thing because we think we have control over how much of it we drink, just like smoking or even worse. I used to smoke, I smoked for 17 years but quit a day before coming here. For me, my husband and our new family.

Derrick, thank you for your reply. I completely understand what you went through. Some people have no boundaries and it's terrible what they do to themselves but what they do to their loved ones is even worse. You did the right thing my leaving and now you have a happy life with your new wife and your kid, just like you deserve. Just like everyone deserves. I'm happy for you, man!

Now back to my situation... I had a lengthy conversation with my husband yesterday. He admitted he has a problem and said he will stop drinking. He said that he loves me way too much to let alcohol destroy our marriage or to lose me. He also said that he's ashamed of himself for what he's done to me, knowing what I had to leave behind to come here and be with him. He promised me a change. He suggested buying a breathalyzer so I can check if he drinks on a daily basis. He said he knows I no longer trust him but that he'll prove it to me and that he'll regain my trust.

I agreed to give him this last chance but I told him - if he comes home drunk again or gets drunk at home again, I'm inviting his family over so they can see everything. I told him I would tell everyone and he agreed. He said he'll have a beer or two a day for the next week or two because he can't just stop since he's been drinking for at least 4 years now, but after that, he'll be done with alcohol.

He also said the abusive things he said to me were a result of being grumpy for not having alcohol. Should I believe him?

Am I wrong for giving him this chance? Do you think he'll keep his word this time?

[carocaro 22]

Changing just a few words from Harpa, "he will not change IF HE DOESNT WANT TO". It is all up to the alcoholic. Period. End of contemplation.

Voice of experience, as I once was married to one for 21 years.

Go to al-anon. It is for family members and they will hear you much better than this VisaJourney list ever will. Most important? give up on trying to change him right now, or on making deals, and especially on you trying to monitor his drinking. *yikes!* none of it is up to you no matter how hard YOU try.

hugs,

In addition to the alcoholics anonymous meetings for him, there are al-alon meetings for family of alcoholics. The people there have been through what you are going through and can help you sort through the pain. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

He will not change without help. Good luck to you.

Edited July 23, 2014 by carocaro

[Sandra G. 5,057]

ANNIE123 you have to read a lot about alcoholism to understand about it, promises/ breathalyzer is not the way to go my dear. Alcoholism is a disease, and the person needs to attend some programs to become sober,to learn a new way of life.

[FulanoDeTal 19]

Thanks everyone for replies!

jfgk1987, thank you so much for sharing your story with me, it really touched me. I feel your pain, I know what it's like. My grandfather on my mom's side was an alcoholic too. Her life was terrible because of that. It took him years to finally go to a hospital. He died at the age of 60 from a massive heart attack. Alcohol is a terrible thing because we think we have control over how much of it we drink, just like smoking or even worse. I used to smoke, I smoked for 17 years but quit a day before coming here. For me, my husband and our new family.

Derrick, thank you for your reply. I completely understand what you went through. Some people have no boundaries and it's terrible what they do to themselves but what they do to their loved ones is even worse. You did the right thing my leaving and now you have a happy life with your new wife and your kid, just like you deserve. Just like everyone deserves. I'm happy for you, man!

Now back to my situation... I had a lengthy conversation with my husband yesterday. He admitted he has a problem and said he will stop drinking. He said that he loves me way too much to let alcohol destroy our marriage or to lose me. He also said that he's ashamed of himself for what he's done to me, knowing what I had to leave behind to come here and be with him. He promised me a change. He suggested buying a breathalyzer so I can check if he drinks on a daily basis. He said he knows I no longer trust him but that he'll prove it to me and that he'll regain my trust.

I agreed to give him this last chance but I told him - if he comes home drunk again or gets drunk at home again, I'm inviting his family over so they can see everything. I told him I would tell everyone and he agreed. He said he'll have a beer or two a day for the next week or two because he can't just stop since he's been drinking for at least 4 years now, but after that, he'll be done with alcohol.

He also said the abusive things he said to me were a result of being grumpy for not having alcohol. Should I believe him?

Am I wrong for giving him this chance? Do you think he'll keep his word this time?

Annie,

You've received a lot of good advice on this thread, the most important being that you should do everything you can to get away from this guy as soon as possible. I have been sober for 30 years, but based on my experience as a recovering alcoholic I can say the following:

1. The most important relationship this guy has in his life is with booze. You and everything else are a distant second. Period.

2. He will do anything to get drunk, stay drunk, and somehow get through the inevitable hangover. If he needs to lie, cheat and steal to get booze he will.

3. Whatever "pledge" he is making about only having a couple beers a day is nonsense. From everything you have said this guy is a chronic alcoholic. If he has one beer he might as well have a hundred, because he will be off the races and you will be right back in the same miserable situation.

4. He probably needs a professional detox, because if he actually stops drinking cold turkey he risks seizures or worse. His blood alcohol level when he's not drinking is probably higher than the legal limit.

5. So take the good advice that's been offered here, get out if you possibly can, and seek out Al-Anon where you will find others who will share their experience, strength, and hope.

Good luck, and I hope that you are able to extricate yourself form this very difficult situation that is not of your making.

[rlogan 2,036]

Annie -

He is abusive and you need to leave. Understand that the most dangerous time for an abuse victim is when the abuser feels he has lost control over them. You may not have been beaten physically yet, but spouses who never touch their wives end up murdering them when they see their manipulative tactics are not keeping them in control.

All the verbal abuse plus drinking - that seems like a VAWA case if you wanted to stay here but protecting yourself is the first priority. I would be looking for women's shelters. They have a lot of experience with this and they're going to tell you the same thing: get out now and protect your life above all else.

Look - he lied to you in a way that is beyond the pale. Failing to disclose alcoholism to a future spouse is about the worst kind of lying you can do. Dr. Jekyl vs. Mr. Hyde. The deal is off. He needs to actually BE the person he represented to you, not hope to maybe someday sort of act like it a little bit.

[savagechair 38]

Hey Annie,

How are you doing? I want to second the notion that Palnned Parenthood can help. When I was a teen, I got srvices for free. Really.

Planned Parenthood may also have resources for you to get out of your scenario. Please consider sharing your situation with them. They may know of local shelters and support for you, ok?

It is not your job to monitor your husband's drinking. Think for a moment about this: imagine the stress and responsibility this puts on YOU. He offloads responsibility to you with that breathalyzer #######. Do you want to be like a mommy/nanny to him for the rest of your life?

You can support him, but accountability, change, and a plan to get sober are all on him.

A person heavy into his addiction will say anything to get you off his back, so he can return to his addiction.

Real change happens over time, with consistent, humble, dramatically changed behavior.

You deserve better than this, Annie. If your hubby changes some day, you could always consider reconciliation then after seeing real changes. but while he's married to alcohol, he can't really be married to you in a healthy way.

[Annie123 6]

Hello everyone,

just wanted to give you guys an update on my situation.

I haven't posted in over nine months and since then not much has changed. I have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism (last November) and have been put on levothyroxine and ever since then my other health problems stabilized a bit. So that's good news

I can't say that my husband and I have had many ups since my last post. It's been a down after a down. He's said things to me that one wouldn't say to their worst enemy. He's controlled me financially, told me to spare him when it comes to my health problems, told me we had no money for me to buy contacts, my medication or vitamins that I take, while he still spends over a thousand on fast food and restaurants every month.

He has a huge sense of entitlement, should be paid more and thinks no one works harder than him. No one is as stressed as he is. And all of it is my fault. He drinks and drives and doesn't care about it.

Last Saturday I was scared for my safety for the first time. He picked up another fight and kept calling me names, telling me that he doesn't love me any more, calling me stupid, a bi**h, .... So I decided to leave the apartment and to give him time to calm down. I returned an hour later, only to find him even more enraged. The name calling continued, he screamed how he can't stand me or our marriage and then he took off his ring and threatened to destroy it, asking me to tell him not to, saying like do you want me to destroy my ring???? I was sitting there silently, scared and not knowing what he was going to do next. He then took his ring off, grabbed a cable TV box and started smashing the ring with it. I was mortified! When he saw the ring wasn't destroyed, he took pliers and flattened it completely. He then left the apartment and after 10-15 minutes called me and apologized and said how he'll fix the ring and it will mean even more to him because it's no longer perfect...

The next day he went on 5 day business trip where he managed to spend over $1000 (his per diem was one fourth of what he spent), he managed to forget to message me, call me and when he did call, he seemed like he just wanted to get rid of me.

He returned on Friday night and called me from the airport to say how he can't find his car, yelling at me to help him find it. I didn't know how to help his as I was at home and he was at the airport but he kept telling me how I'm useless, how I'm letting his down and how he is counting on me and I'm just sitting there doing nothing. I told him to ask someone for help (security or anyone else that works there) but he said we'll I'm asking you to help me. Try harder and find me my car :S He yelled for an hour. I kept hanging up on him and he kept calling back. He called 11 times total and kept yelling at me and telling me that I dare and hang up on him again. Luckily, his phone battery died. When he got home, he acted like everything was ok, he just said 'if you're expecting an apology, don't. It's not going to happen'.

Yesterday he came home drunk at around 1:30 pm and ever since then he's been sleeping, getting up a few times to eat/drink and spending 1-2 hours awake at a time. So he's slept for almost 24 hours now.

So... After a long struggle and a long battle I decided to leave. A friend bought me a plane ticket and I'm going to another state. I'm leaving in a few days. He doesn't know anything.

I now have EAD/AP and have had it for 3 months or so. I also received a NPIW. I don't know at this point what's going to happen with my immigration process and to be honest, it's not my priority right now. If it works out - good. If it doesn't - oh well. I'll at least try to find a job and use my EAD to save up so I can start a new life in case things don't work out for me here.

Thank you everyone for the great advice, I just wasn't ready to leave at the time of my previous posts but now I am. I'm scared and excited at the same time. I just know that I can't take this any more. my sanity is at risk. I deserve better.

Wish me luck please!

[TBoneTX 46,067]

Thanks for the update. Good luck.

[Sandra G. 5,057]

Take care of yourself,and please don't look back.It seems he didnt start any treatment to stop drinking,then when you leave cut all contact with him otherwise he will keep calling you,emailing you with promises of change,if you don't return he probably will say he will kill himself,the guilty trip will start and you will continue in this unhealthy relationship.

[clairegie 265]

I'm glad you are leaving and you are protecting yourself. I honestly believe that he needs to hit rock bottom for him to realize he has to change. I hope everything works out for you.

[jfgk1987 303]

Hi Annie I remember you!

Take care of yourself,and please don't look back.It seems he didnt start any treatment to stop drinking,then when you leave cut all contact with him otherwise he will keep calling you,emailing you with promises of change,if you don't return he probably will say he will kill himself,the guilty trip will start and you will continue in this unhealthy relationship.

^^^ ALL OF THIS. Watch out for those guilt trip-type calls where he apologizes for all the things...don't fall for it.

You saw what he did to the ring, how long will it be before he loses it and strikes you? I don't think you should go back, and don't even tell him where you went. If you have an iPhone with the FindMyFriends app you should turn it off, there's also a setting in Facebook that let's you see nearby friends, turn that off too if you have it. He needs help but he has to want it for himself.

As for your immigration journey, have you considered a divorce? Schedule an Infopass appointment and explain the situation, they can help.

Best wishes, and good luck! (and stay safe).

[Annie123 6]

Thanks for the replies and support everyone!

Yes, the best way to do everything is to just go and never look back. I'm not sure what the laws are in the state where I'm going (residence-wise) but I'll definitely check.

He's seen a therapist twice in the span of 6 months and I think he's just not ready to change. Why would he? There is no punishment for his behavior, at least there hasn't been til now.

He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and there is always someone or something else that he blames for his behavior.

[zuluweta 250]

Your husband is not marriage material. It takes two to tango and yet he wants you to do all the work in keeping the marriage intact. Good luck with your future!

[Ortolan 381]

Best of luck in your new life. Time is far too short in this life to waste on a person like this, and he's not going to change until he hits rock bottom. Best way to help him is to let him get there (rock bottom). Good luck!

[nane1104 146]

I am so glad you are leaving. Make sure you are taking any documentation you might need later in your immigration process that shows you entered the marriage in good faith.

I wish you all the very best, stay strong and don't look back. You are doing the right thing for yourself. If this is the wake up call he needs to get away from drinking, even better.

Hopefully there will be a positive update from you in the future.