Is he ever going to change?

[Danilu 11]

Yes, it is said "for better or worse", but in this case you're trapped in a marriage in which you're not happy anymore and have to deal with all this stress that his alcohol addiction is causing. It isn´t worth it... Try to get help from relatives in your country to buy a plane ticket and stay away from him. You´ve tried all you can , but in the end he doesn´t want to be helped.

[Annie123 6]

He won't hurt me when he's drunk. When he's drunk, he's lethargic and passes out. It's when he's sober that he calls me names and insults me saying stuff like that I'm retarded, limited, slow, stupid, a ######, bad person.... that I embarrass him, that I can't do anything right. When we first landed in America, after I had left my family and friends and my entire life, he left me behind at the airport because I wasn't walking fast enough. He knew I had to follow him, that I had no other choice. He didn't care that I had just cried my eyes out after leaving everything, just to be with him, and this is how he thanks me. He just has to tell me about everything that I do wrong, in his eyes wrong. He watches how much I eat and what I eat, how much water I spend when I do whatever I have to do in the kitchen, he's told me I'm using too many paper towels (#######?) or too much toilet paper and that I waste electricity. It feels like he just has to reprimand be for something and whatever crosses his mind first, he says it.

He hasn't hurt me physically (yet) but he has clenched his fists while talking to me, he sometimes speaks through his teeth and gets in my face. He often pinches me or twists my arms, jokingly, or tickles me to the point it hurts and he won't stop til I start screaming. 'Stop' isn't enough for him.

The only people I know in America are his family. I haven't made any friends because he hasn't introduced me to anyone and I don't spend much time out when he's at work because I have a medical problem that's causing my iron to be very low (lower than 1 last time I checked) so it's really hard to walk anywhere in the heat (it's been in the 90s here almost every day since I got here). I'm too weak to walk, go to the gym or whatever and I no longer have any pills that I should be taking for my condition. Can't get them without a prescription. I don't have medical insurance yet because my husband was too lazy to go in person to submit the marriage license after we got married, he mailed it instead. Now I have to wait for 6-8 weeks to be added to his medical insurance plan. Til then, I have no idea what I'm gonna do with my health :/

I can't just go to my country to make him change. This visa doesn't work like that. We haven't submitted for my AOS yet and to be honest, I don't see the point. If I go back to my country, it's gonna be for good.

Edited July 22, 2014 by Annie123

[Caryh 5,206]

Thanks for your replies and advice! I will reply in detail in a bit, I'm writing now to clear something out. At the beginning of my other thread, I wrote that I created this profile to protect my privacy. I' not from the Philippines, If I had put my real country on my profile, he would know it's me, if he ever reads this forum, and so would the people on here who know me. I come from a small country and I'm not sure if there are any people in this area that are from there too. Sorry for causing this misunderstanding.

You should probably change your country to no country then, it is an option, or you'll be getting some Filipino specific advice.

Sounds like you may not be physically abused, but you certainly are being mentally abused.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Hi Annie, that sounds really horrible.

You can get iron pills over the counter; it's must not be what you were taking, but you can take them for now and hopefully it helps a little.

It sounds like life is truly miserable for you. Consider contacting a women's shelter to get out of that situation. It is a palce for abused women to get away from their abusers. They would house you temporarily and you could work on getting home. I don't see any future in a situation like the one you are in. I am really sorry.

Take care of yourself.

[jfgk1987 303]

If he's drinking that much, his overall health can't be too good, especially his liver.

Has he had physical checkup? Perhaps a doctor's scary advice may scare wake him up.

In order to change a hard break habit, experts recommend creating a

substitute (positive) habit that can replace the old one.

I assume he can't drink at work, and he's not drinking and driving while coming home.

If so, then perhaps after dinner hit the local health club, go for a walk, or do something

that takes him away from the easy access to the alcohol.

As other have mentioned, I think a profession counselor or organization's help is needed.

Tell him how much you love him, and you hate to lose him on alcohol related health issue

or accident. This is not going to be easy, but keep your patience and keep trying.

Best wishes...

You give good advice!

Hi OP, I'm not sure if you've decided to leave yet but I'll share a story with you.

My grandfather was an alcoholic, I'd say for about 20 years. We did an intervention on him, it took a couple of tries but he made an effort to sober up. I played the "favorite granddaughter card" as hard as I could to help keep him on track! We took him to the doctor and we were told that my grandpa was in the beginning stages of cirrhosis, not severe enough for a transplant, in fact it was so mild he could live a mostly normal life with a diet change, some medications, and close monitoring. He was clean for about a year but unfortunately his health started to go south and he was dying. He was put on the transplant list but a liver was available in a few short days. The transplant was done in February 2011, and while technically it was successful his body began to reject it in a few months. He was back in the hospital July 2011 and he never left. Our family watched him waste away so fast, in 1 month he'd lost 70 pounds, and by the time he died in October he was less than half of his original body weight. He was 69.

Alcoholics aren't easy to change, I'm sure that's been said in this thread. If you've tried to help him (did you get his family and friends involved, do they even care??) and he refuses to try, you need to remove yourself from the situation. It sounds like he is abusive to you when he's sober, that reason alone is enough to leave him. He may not physically hurt you now but you're implying that he threatens to, it's only a matter of time before he loses it and he does physically hurt you. You don't have to go down with this ship, you need to escape.

[Annie123 6]

I just did that, thank you! I completely forgot that I could just leave it empty.

Yes, it seems to me too that I'm being mentally abused. I didn't look up mental abuse and I didn't take tests to see if I was in one for no reason it seems :/

You should probably change your country to no country then, it is an option, or you'll be getting some Filipino specific advice.

Sounds like you may not be physically abused, but you certainly are being mentally abused.

[Annie123 6]

Hi Harpa,

last year I had an ovarian surgery and ever since then I've been on hormones to prevent me from heavily bleeding for 2-3 weeks every month. I tried taking iron and vitamin supplements for women, but they make me bleed more. So I'm out of my hormonal pills and God knows how far away from a medical insurance.

I think I can talk to his family, that they can help me out with where I can stay so I can leave this apartment. I hate being around him, I feel like all my feeling for him are gone. I don't know if it feels like that because I'm so upset with him or if they really are gone for good.

His family has done so much for me and us and I think that they would do this one more thing for me.

Hi Annie, that sounds really horrible.

You can get iron pills over the counter; it's must not be what you were taking, but you can take them for now and hopefully it helps a little.

It sounds like life is truly miserable for you. Consider contacting a women's shelter to get out of that situation. It is a palce for abused women to get away from their abusers. They would house you temporarily and you could work on getting home. I don't see any future in a situation like the one you are in. I am really sorry.

Take care of yourself.

[derrickmichille 55]

I just did that, thank you! I completely forgot that I could just leave it empty.

Yes, it seems to me too that I'm being mentally abused. I didn't look up mental abuse and I didn't take tests to see if I was in one for no reason it seems :/

I know exactly what you are going through this is why I keep responding. My ex - wife was just like your husband. She would drink and drink until she passes out and I would sometimes have to wash her up and change her clothes and bedding because should wet her self from being so drunk.

It started with the verbal abuse for the first year and then the next 2 years she started abusing me physically, especially when I tried to stop her from drinking or purchasing alcohol. It got a lot worse after our son was born, then I not only had to protect my self but my son as well.

It was really difficult being a man and had to admit I was being abuse by my wife, but I grew up in a home where I was taught to never ever hit a woman and my ex-wife knew this so she took advantage of that.

But in the end I had to leave I did not want to because I believe a marriage is supposed to be for better or for worst. You are not supposed to give up. The first sign of that honeymoon feeling is gone people want to get a divorce, but when violence is involved physical or verbal, because I believe there is no difference between the two except the scars from physical violence show on the outside while verbal abuse scars are from within, but both do the same amount of damage.

It's time to go to a shelter and start getting help with going back home. Trust me it will only get worse. At least it's just you. You don't have to worry about taking care of a 3 month old baby all by your self in a shelter full of men like I did.

Get out now while you can and start your life over. And you can start over. I have, and now I am engaged to the most wonderful caring understanding patient sweet adorable beautiful woman I have ever met in my life.

Life is too short to be miserable, sad, depressed and scared. You owe it to your self to be happy. Get back home and enjoy life and be happy.

I feel for you because I just went through this exact same thing you are going through.

Once you get home and are close to your family, things will get better for you. Trust me it will not be easy at first, but you will get through this.

Good luck to you!!!

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Hi Harpa,

last year I had an ovarian surgery and ever since then I've been on hormones to prevent me from heavily bleeding for 2-3 weeks every month. I tried taking iron and vitamin supplements for women, but they make me bleed more. So I'm out of my hormonal pills and God knows how far away from a medical insurance.

I think I can talk to his family, that they can help me out with where I can stay so I can leave this apartment. I hate being around him, I feel like all my feeling for him are gone. I don't know if it feels like that because I'm so upset with him or if they really are gone for good.

His family has done so much for me and us and I think that they would do this one more thing for me.

Hi Annie,

Are your hormones birth control pills? If so, you could go to a Planned Parenthood clinic. They provide birth control and appointments on a sliding scale (if you can't afford it you don't have to pay).

Or, you could call around to doctors and get a quote for a simple office visit. It should be less than $100, if you have access to any money.

You could ask his family to drive you or take a cab or a bus.

Do call his family and ask for help. They probably know about his problems.

If he won't give you money to go home, then you could ask your consulate in the US for assistance, or ask the US gov. to deport you.

Take care of yourself.

[Annie123 6]

Harpa,

they really can just give me the pills without me having to have prescription for them and without having my hormones tested first? I do have a paper from the doctor who was treating me back in my country saying I should be taking these pills but it's not in English and I'm only a few months away from the age limit listed on the pack of those pills so I'm not sure if they would agreee to give me the same ones and I guess they can't just give me something else without doing some bloodwork first. Or am I wrong?

He did tell one member of his family about his problem yesterday but he didn't say how serious it was. He made it sound like he has a drink or two every once in a while.

Hi Annie,

Are your hormones birth control pills? If so, you could go to a Planned Parenthood clinic. They provide birth control and appointments on a sliding scale (if you can't afford it you don't have to pay).

Or, you could call around to doctors and get a quote for a simple office visit. It should be less than $100, if you have access to any money.

You could ask his family to drive you or take a cab or a bus.

Do call his family and ask for help. They probably know about his problems.

If he won't give you money to go home, then you could ask your consulate in the US for assistance, or ask the US gov. to deport you.

Take care of yourself.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Harpa,

they really can just give me the pills without me having to have prescription for them and without having my hormones tested first? I do have a paper from the doctor who was treating me back in my country saying I should be taking these pills but it's not in English and I'm only a few months away from the age limit listed on the pack of those pills so I'm not sure if they would agreee to give me the same ones and I guess they can't just give me something else without doing some bloodwork first. Or am I wrong?

He did tell one member of his family about his problem yesterday but he didn't say how serious it was. He made it sound like he has a drink or two every once in a while.

Yes, Planned Parenthood really can give them to you (if they have that kind) or write you a prescription for them (to fill at the pharmacy). They are doctors and they exist to provide health care.

I would bring the old doctor's note and a used pack if you have it too.

I know you don't have insurance but there are options for health care here without it. You don't want to get so sick that you have to go the the ER.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

If his family is in your town, why don't you invite them over when he is really drunk? Then they can see for themselves.

[ChicagoSarah 127]

If his family is in your town, why don't you invite them over when he is really drunk? Then they can see for themselves.

This is a great idea. It's easier for people to downplay a situation unless confronted with it.

[Annie123 6]

Wow, I really didn't know that! I guess I can take these til I get insurance or til I return home. I'd like my hormones to be tested because I think there are pills that are better for me than these (yaz) because they cause breakthrogh bleeding and apparently don't have the hormone levels that are right for me. Bringing his family over while he's wasted is a great idea. I might just do that to let them see what he's like and to embarrass him for life.

Yes, Planned Parenthood really can give them to you (if they have that kind) or write you a prescription for them (to fill at the pharmacy). They are doctors and they exist to provide health care.

I would bring the old doctor's note and a used pack if you have it too.

I know you don't have insurance but there are options for health care here without it. You don't want to get so sick that you have to go the the ER.

[Annie123 6]

The reason why I'm still here is that he can really be a great person, supportive and caring, he doesn't mind cooking for me from time to time, he brings me flowers and does dozen other little things that make me happy. But then he calls me names, logs onto my facebook account and google translates my messages, gets drunk and acts like he doesn't care about me.