Is he ever going to change?

[Darnell 8,479]

Why can't some men take up exercise or charity work to alleviate their so call stress? Alcohol isn't worth destroying your health and making the woman who loves you miserable...just saying.

I'm into gardening, in a big way, year round.

[subwayguy 100]

Why can't some men take up exercise or charity work to alleviate their so call stress? Alcohol isn't worth destroying your health and making the woman who loves you miserable...just saying.

Because we live in reality.

[CowBoE 429]

If he's drinking that much, his overall health can't be too good, especially his liver.

Has he had physical checkup? Perhaps a doctor's scary advice may scare wake him up.

In order to change a hard break habit, experts recommend creating a

substitute (positive) habit that can replace the old one.

I assume he can't drink at work, and he's not drinking and driving while coming home.

If so, then perhaps after dinner hit the local health club, go for a walk, or do something

that takes him away from the easy access to the alcohol.

As other have mentioned, I think a profession counselor or organization's help is needed.

Tell him how much you love him, and you hate to lose him on alcohol related health issue

or accident. This is not going to be easy, but keep your patience and keep trying.

Best wishes...

[Annie123 6]

Thanks for replies everyone.

Today he left work early and then spent 3 hours drinking in his car in the apartment complex garage. Even after he cried last night when he did the same thing and begged me to forgive him. So he drank so much today that he passed out in his car and got home hours late than normal. I was worried sick because I had no idea where he was. He didn't answer his phone or reply to my texts. I thought he was somewhere in a ditch, dead :/

He has sleep apnea that gets much worse when he drinks and he's already seen the doctor about it (if that wasn't a lie too) after he almost choked to death on his own vomit while he was sleeping. I stay up every night listening to him breathe and checking on him (even though I sleep in a different room, he snores too much that it's impossible to sleep in that room) because I'm scared it will happen again. I barely get any sleep and today I haven't eaten at all (it's 9:30 PM). I beg him to buy me a ticket so I can go home because I don't want to live like this and this is not what I signed up for, but he refuses to. I have 0 friends, I can't go anywhere because I don't drive and I'm stuck with him. I didn't feel this helpless and hopeless even during the war I survived.

I already suggested other habits, the gym, swimming pool, walks... but he doesn't want to do anything. He says he's too tired but he's just too lazy and unwilling to change. No he can't drink at work but he drinks in the car when he arrives home. When he doesn't work, he sometimes gets drunk by noon. He takes too many days off and then isn't pay for those days and we can barely manage to make ends meet.

I wish I could tell him that I love him, but I can't. I hate him for ruining my life like this. This isn't something that just started happening, I found out he's had this problem for years and years. I've only been here several months and I'm already so miserable. I avoid talking to my family because I don't want them to see me like this, it would kill them, just like it's killing me.

Now he passed out again after asking me for another chance... That would be at least his 10th last chance.... He won't seek professional help.

I wish he had been honest with me before I came here so I could have had a choice, so I could have decided if I wanted to live like this or not. He lied to me and promised me a happy life, roses and butterflies...

If he's drinking that much, his overall health can't be too good, especially his liver.

Has he had physical checkup? Perhaps a doctor's scary advice may scare wake him up.

In order to change a hard break habit, experts recommend creating a

substitute (positive) habit that can replace the old one.

I assume he can't drink at work, and he's not drinking and driving while coming home.

If so, then perhaps after dinner hit the local health club, go for a walk, or do something

that takes him away from the easy access to the alcohol.

As other have mentioned, I think a profession counselor or organization's help is needed.

Tell him how much you love him, and you hate to lose him on alcohol related health issue

or accident. This is not going to be easy, but keep your patience and keep trying.

Best wishes...

[dythan2005 12]

Go back home to your family and friends. You already gave him several chances and he still blew it up. He's not gonna change

[Emanettes 11]

AA is one way I could think of. However, I read that you have tried everything to help him, but still no change. I am sorry to say, but people do not change in my opinion. Try again maybe, if he still continues to be an alcoholic, stop it and just end the relationship. I know it will be very difficult, but if you continue it, you will just hurt yourself. I am sorry to hear about your situation.

[Sandra G. 5,057]

Borrow money from your family of friends and return to your Country,He does not recognize he has a problem then you are wasting your time giving him chances after chances.Life is to short to live in a poor relationship.We can't change others, but we can choose how to deal and react to them.It's time to say good bye.

Edited July 22, 2014 by sandranj

[Teddy B 17,252]

I agree that it's time for you to get out. Do what you can to get enough money together to get yourself home and don't look back. Even if he was ready to get help and change this will be a lifetime struggle for you.

[CowBoE 429]

Thanks for replies everyone.

Today he left work early and then spent 3 hours drinking in his car in the apartment complex garage. Even after he cried last night when he did the same thing and begged me to forgive him. So he drank so much today that he passed out in his car and got home hours late than normal. I was worried sick because I had no idea where he was. He didn't answer his phone or reply to my texts. I thought he was somewhere in a ditch, dead :/

He has sleep apnea that gets much worse when he drinks and he's already seen the doctor about it (if that wasn't a lie too) after he almost choked to death on his own vomit while he was sleeping. I stay up every night listening to him breathe and checking on him (even though I sleep in a different room, he snores too much that it's impossible to sleep in that room) because I'm scared it will happen again. I barely get any sleep and today I haven't eaten at all (it's 9:30 PM). I beg him to buy me a ticket so I can go home because I don't want to live like this and this is not what I signed up for, but he refuses to. I have 0 friends, I can't go anywhere because I don't drive and I'm stuck with him. I didn't feel this helpless and hopeless even during the war I survived.

I already suggested other habits, the gym, swimming pool, walks... but he doesn't want to do anything. He says he's too tired but he's just too lazy and unwilling to change. No he can't drink at work but he drinks in the car when he arrives home. When he doesn't work, he sometimes gets drunk by noon. He takes too many days off and then isn't pay for those days and we can barely manage to make ends meet.

I wish I could tell him that I love him, but I can't. I hate him for ruining my life like this. This isn't something that just started happening, I found out he's had this problem for years and years. I've only been here several months and I'm already so miserable. I avoid talking to my family because I don't want them to see me like this, it would kill them, just like it's killing me.

Now he passed out again after asking me for another chance... That would be at least his 10th last chance.... He won't seek professional help.

I wish he had been honest with me before I came here so I could have had a choice, so I could have decided if I wanted to live like this or not. He lied to me and promised me a happy life, roses and butterflies...

I am really sorry to hear that. The situation is much more grave than I thought.

As other have mentioned, these type of addiction is so strong that he's simply not going to change easily.

It will take seriously wake up call and continuous professional help to overcome it.

We only live once, and you deserve to live a happy life...like anyone else.

You might want to start planning your exit strategy soon.

[Caryh 5,206]

This isn't going to change. Have you tried contacting your local consulate with assistance to get home? Also where do you live? I've found the Filipino community will come out in force and help Filipina in situations like your's, to either get them home or to a safe situation where they can survive and begin to live again.

I beg him to buy me a ticket so I can go home because I don't want to live like this and this is not what I signed up for, but he refuses to. I have 0 friends, I can't go anywhere because I don't drive and I'm stuck with him. I didn't feel this helpless and hopeless even during the war I survived.

[savagechair 38]

The advice on this thread is very difficult to hear, but spot on.

There's a saying: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

Often people paired with a person with addiction wants to believe they can somehow inspire or motivate change. Because then, a person has hope and control. By acknowledging you cannot change him, things seems quite dire/desperate, because it's all on him, and he clearly isn't interested in living differently.

Please see the website http://soberrecovery.com and visit the forums there. There's a section for family/friends of alcoholics. Until you are able to make significant changes in your circumstances (leave, etc) that site may help you gather the strength, and ideas for resources, that you need.

I am very sorry for the pain and stress you're under

[Abby&Mario 100]

His alcoholism sounds quite severe. He is drinking so much that in addition to the psychological dependency, he almost certainly has a physical dependency. (I am not a doctor, but the amount you describe him drinking daily makes me think this could be the case.) For him to stop cold turkey now could be dangerous--people can die from alcohol withdrawal. If he ever decides to get sober, he will likely need medical supervision for a detox of some type, in addition to meetings, counseling, etc. for the rest of his life. At this rate, he will be drinking at work in no time, if he isn't already. He will get fired.

Please understand that it is NOT YOUR JOB to make him enter a recovery program. He won't get sober just because you or anyone else wants him to. Please leave; it's already an abusive situation. Do you want to spend the rest of your life running damage control and making excuses for him, turning him on his side every time he passes out so he won't choke on his own vomit and die? Living a codependent nightmare? Fearing his anger? Get help from the local Filipino community or friends and relatives back home, and get out before things get worse. Don't look back. And when you leave, consider Al-Anon meetings to help you get back to normal. I'm so sorry.

[Annie123 6]

Thanks for your replies and advice! I will reply in detail in a bit, I'm writing now to clear something out. At the beginning of my other thread, I wrote that I created this profile to protect my privacy. I' not from the Philippines, If I had put my real country on my profile, he would know it's me, if he ever reads this forum, and so would the people on here who know me. I come from a small country and I'm not sure if there are any people in this area that are from there too. Sorry for causing this misunderstanding.

[derrickmichille 55]

Sometimes doing something drastic like going back to your country might wake him up. If he truly loves you and you go back home maybe that will make him change. Continue to have a relationship with him but make it very clear you will not go back to be with him unless he shows some real changes and get the help he needs.

If he does not shows any signs of improvement or he just keep doing the same over and over again, then at least you are home with family and friends and they can help you move on with your life.

People sometimes forget when we say I do, we mean for better or for worst. That is why I say give it your all, but he has to give his all as well. One person can't keep a marriage going by themselves. It takes both people and each person have to give 100% in order for a marriage to be successful.

Good luck to you and it does seem like you did all you can do, it's now up to him.

[Confusedtinybird 41]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Do you have anyone in the USA you can speak to in person about your husband? I know you said you have 0 friends but what about neighbors? I think you really need to think about staying somewhere else for the time being. This situation could turn violent with his drinking, and you should look into a shelter or somewhere safe you can be before you figure out what you want to do.

Could he ever change? Maybe but he has to want to change. And it's not easy and would be a very long road full of ups and downs.