A humo(u)rous look at what it could be like to turn the American clock back to the year 1775...

[lala1 21]

I laughed till I cried at this! LOL

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[JohnR! 5,495]

I received something similar from a friend in the UK.. It is a nice take on current affairs.

However, if we were to receive such a letter, the response would be:

Dear Queenie,

its obvoius that english is not your first language this is america speak the american or attend msl classes

:rofl:

[lala1 21]

I received something similar from a friend in the UK.. It is a nice take on current affairs.

However, if we were to receive such a letter, the response would be:

Dear Queenie,

its obvoius that english is not your first language this is america speak the american or attend msl classes

:rofl:

Haha !! There is NO such thing as " American english " .. Refer to # 2 on the list!

[JohnR! 5,495]

Haha !! There is NO such thing as " American english " .. Refer to # 2 on the list!

Darn! You people think of everything!!!!

[Pooky 3,784]

I received something similar from a friend in the UK.. It is a nice take on current affairs.

However, if we were to receive such a letter, the response would be:

Dear Queenie,

its obvoius that english is not your first language this is america speak the american or attend msl classes

:rofl:

Dear obstreperous subject,

What is also clear is the English, or that pesky offshoot known as American, is obviously not your first language, either. If it were, it would be obvious that you mis-spelt the word obvious in your lame attempt at a riposte, thus rendering it of only titillation value to dear Prince Phillip, bless him.

Also, please include some form of punctuation in your missives, as it gives me sufficient time to pause while reading your diatribes and pet the corgis. They're such dears and are endlessly fascinated when one gets to chuckle at one's emails.

Yours sincerely,

Queenie.

P.S. I lol @ ur txt spk

[TBoneTX 45,299]

The only appealing thing about British English is the spelling of "tyre," si man. We should adopt that.

[JohnR! 5,495]

The only appealing thing about British English is the spelling of "tyre," si man. We should adopt that.

I agree. Checking for differences in spelling is tyresome....

[Pooky 3,784]

The only appealing thing about British English is the spelling of "tyre," si man. We should adopt that.

That would make the phrase "spare Tyre" take on a whole new, non-military meaning.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

-ize is British English from before the 60s. -ise is a Frenchism.

Sorry you fail at your own language so hard.

[landr 126]

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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One suggests cricket as a suitable alternative. For those whose skills are not up to par, one suggests rounders.

[lala1 21]

Landr, I concur!

[Pooky 3,784]

One suggests cricket as a suitable alternative. For those whose skills are not up to par, one suggests rounders.

Perhaps then the gentlemen representing England might have a hope of winning a match.

[JohnR! 5,495]

One suggests cricket as a suitable alternative. For those whose skills are not up to par, one suggests rounders.

With all due respect, I'll take watching paint dry over cricket... Even soccer is more fun than cricket... IMHO.

[landr 126]

With all due respect, I'll take watching paint dry over cricket... Even soccer is more fun than cricket... IMHO.

No Pimm's and cucumber sandwiches for you then.

Edited July 21, 2014 by landr

[Pooky 3,784]

With all due respect, I'll take watching paint dry over cricket... Even soccer is more fun than cricket... IMHO.

In which case, one must not have found the beer tent.