This distance is destroying my relationship

[Soloenta 2,218]

First off I appreciate all of your replies. I wasn't expecting this thread to blow up like this. I just wanted to get it off of my chest and get some opinions from people. You are right, the distance is not what is wrong with this relationship. It is the fact that we are not trying to talk to each other and communicate. It's not just me fyi, it's him too... Some of you have been supportive and given constructive advice. Some of you have basically told me to stop being a prissy b**** princess and grow up. I understand why you say that. No one is right or wrong in this situation we just seem to have grown apart a lot and things have changed. I'm sorry to anyone that this offends. I know that you all are real advocates for marriage and would kill to be in my situation. We have mutually decided that it is a bad idea for me to come visit right now. I may regret that decision tomorrow, he may regret it too.. but right now we are just going to take this time to figure out what we want. We are still talking and we still love each other very much. We have not decided to end the relationship and we are still moving forward with the visa process. Thanks guys

Well, God bless you and guide you both I'll be praying for you both.

[CanGirl 95]

The best way to see where you stand is to see eachother in person! Don't cancel the trip now. Do the trip and hash it out, face to face.

Not to worry, Harpa is right. He changed his mind at the last minute and asked me to come so I am on my way there right now. I honestly did want to go see him I was letting him decide if he wanted to see me.

[Christi85 86]

Not to worry, Harpa is right. He changed his mind at the last minute and asked me to come so I am on my way there right now. I honestly did want to go see him I was letting him decide if he wanted to see me.

Awesome news!

Good luck and keep us posted!

[HoussemAnna 20]

best decision good luck i your trip and i think this will re affirm your love

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

Woohoo!!! Let us know how was your trip...I'm super positive that you'll come back realizing this was the best choice and all you guys needed is to refresh the memories that you guys are out for each other. Awesome!

[raven52 233]

Sorry, OP.,..,but this sounds like a "I'm a flyin the chicken-coop".,.,., this is way too obvious!

Just ask him to "man up" and tell you the honest truth.,., "Do YOU want this marriage or not".,.,..just YES or No!

[Soloenta 2,218]

Not to worry, Harpa is right. He changed his mind at the last minute and asked me to come so I am on my way there right now. I honestly did want to go see him I was letting him decide if he wanted to see me.

Oh thank God, please everyone say a prayer for them. Thank you in advance. Safe and fruitful jouney.

[Shari 6]

YAY! I am happy for you two!!!!! I hope everything works out. I believe 4 weeks together will be incredible for your relationship. Keep us posted while you are gone.

[rlogan 2,036]

Not to worry, Harpa is right. He changed his mind at the last minute and asked me to come so I am on my way there right now. I honestly did want to go see him I was letting him decide if he wanted to see me.

No question communication is at the core of your problems.

Like there, "letting him decide" as opposed to telling him what you wanted. Well duh, if you act like you are indifferent then why should a man want to see you? That's what he has been telling you: that the failure to communicate is a failure to consummate a core precept in marriage.

Look at this framing you constructed before changing the decision for the second time: (Seeing each other, not seeing each other, then seeing each other...)

We have mutually decided that it is a bad idea for me to come visit right now.

The truth is more like "I acted like I didn't want to see him, even though I did, so he decided he didn't want to see me, so I decided to agree with him even though it wasn't what I wanted..."

Look what a stupid roller-coaster ride this was when all you had to do was say "I miss you so much, I want to see you" and that's exactly what would have happened. Drama, drama, drama. A relationship is supposed to be the source of stability and calm in a person's life - the well we can go to for strength in dealing with the outside world. When our relationship is all about guessing what things mean and agonizing over where the other person stands then we become dysfunctional and our whole life suffers.

[funkymunky 11]

Don't give up OP!! My advice is that before you return to Canada, hide lots of reassuring "love notes" everywhere in the house so that when he is low. He may find one unexpectedly and it'll lift his spirits. Also skype everyday or talk on the phone whenever you can, send him messages etc. Get him to do the same and you'll see that it makes you sooo much stronger.

My whole relationship and first 5 months of marriage was long distance and yes it was tough but we tried and tried and we have now been married 3 years and together for 4!

Best wishes to you both!

[kehills 217]

I was going to reply to:

Not to worry, Harpa is right. He changed his mind at the last minute and asked me to come so I am on my way there right now. I honestly did want to go see him I was letting him decide if he wanted to see me.

But instead I just want to second:

No question communication is at the core of your problems.

Like there, "letting him decide" as opposed to telling him what you wanted. Well duh, if you act like you are indifferent then why should a man want to see you? That's what he has been telling you: that the failure to communicate is a failure to consummate a core precept in marriage.

Look at this framing you constructed before changing the decision for the second time: (Seeing each other, not seeing each other, then seeing each other...)

The truth is more like "I acted like I didn't want to see him, even though I did, so he decided he didn't want to see me, so I decided to agree with him even though it wasn't what I wanted..."

Look what a stupid roller-coaster ride this was when all you had to do was say "I miss you so much, I want to see you" and that's exactly what would have happened. Drama, drama, drama. A relationship is supposed to be the source of stability and calm in a person's life - the well we can go to for strength in dealing with the outside world. When our relationship is all about guessing what things mean and agonizing over where the other person stands then we become dysfunctional and our whole life suffers.

You guys need to communicate. At this point, you guys need to get some help communicating well - see about a therapist that will Skype with you both (or at least with one of you in person and one of you on Skype). Or consider looking at online communication modules. You need to stop this "well, I needed him to make the move" because it sounds like he's doing the same thing, needing you to make the move.

You both need to be honest, open, and communicate, rather than "letting" one or the other decide regardless of your own feelings. That's what got you both in this mess!

[Soloenta 2,218]

Don't give up OP!! My advice is that before you return to Canada, hide lots of reassuring "love notes" everywhere in the house so that when he is low. He may find one unexpectedly and it'll lift his spirits. Also skype everyday or talk on the phone whenever you can, send him messages etc. Get him to do the same and you'll see that it makes you sooo much stronger.

My whole relationship and first 5 months of marriage was long distance and yes it was tough but we tried and tried and we have now been married 3 years and together for 4!

Best wishes to you both!

Oh, oh great advice and forget some clothes hehehehee

[Shari 6]

Oh, oh great advice and forget some clothes hehehehee

Lacy clothes (hehe) as in panties (maybe a pair in the pantry).

[Soloenta 2,218]

Lacy clothes (hehe) as in panties (maybe a pair in the pantry).

We're on the same wave length hahahahaaa

[bronco37 16]

You want a clear answer? Simply talk to him and ask him exactly what he wants.

And be ready to clarify what you understood from your "talk" is exactly what he wants. Then decide if you can provide what he wants. If you can't provide, find yourself some solace and move away from each other.

There is also this new woman in his life. A new co-worker. He said he met her at a work social outing to the beach a couple weeks ago. This Monday he told me that he stayed up all night texting her talking about music and religion. He also hung out with her on Tuesday. They went long boarding together and got food. He said she forgot her card so he bought her dinner. Then afterwards she went to his apartment and cooked vegan food for him. Well all of this threw up a huge red flag for me.

Vegan? Is your husband Vegan too? If not, this relationship will not last. Men who eat meat, can't live on rabbit food. Sorry, vegan folks. It's true.

But, I understand the pain you are going thru. Hope both of you find peace. And the vegan coworker will find her own peace too.

I just wanted to express my gratitude and appreciation to prophet salifu on bringing my husband back to me,......... .so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster? i..i just couldn't believe it that we are back together. Prophet salifu remained consistent and kind throughout and made the process unbelievable I am deeply satisfied and thankful .if in doubt you should email him at prophetsalifu@yahoo.com or prophetsalifu@gmail.com

Mother of God. A prophet w/ a yahoo ID and a gmail...

Edited July 13, 2014 by bronco37