This distance is destroying my relationship

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Being apart for almost a year now has completely destroyed my relationship. My husband is miserable and alone in the US and I am living with my parents. I have people around me and I have a reason to want to be happy every day. I don't want to be depressed and crying in my room all the time so I don't let myself do that. As a result we hardly communicate.

It seems we have a huge difference of opinion on what is important to us in a marriage. I don't want to get into all of the details but it seems he is leaning more toward just ending our relationship. I am supposed to go visit him tomorrow night for 4 weeks and he thinks that 4 weeks is not long enough. I know if I go to visit him we will make up but the minute I have to leave we will get into a huge fight again. I don't think we can resolve our issues properly because this distance is always going to be a huge obstacle to him.

You are both to blame for not working on the relationship.

1. You say you hardly communicate by (your) choice.

2. He has a little 'platonic' friend on the side.

3. You are near the end of your visa journey and can't make it another couple months ? Seriously ?

4. He sounds like he wants to end it ? I would too if my spouse wouldn't want to talk to me.

Many couples here have been separated for years, me included, so I don't get the problem you both have created for yourselves.

I especially don't get it since it's Canada. Wish my fiance would live that close.

I am sure he doesn't want to see you crying on skype, so I am with the 'suck it up club', change your attitude,

smile, laugh, happiness is a choice and a good thing for the relationship, no one wants a whiner and complainer, does not

exactly keep the fire going !

As for him having the 'friend' over.....oh hell no ! Deal breaker. Adios.

But you removed yourself from him and detached, what do you expect to happen ?!

Everyone else here can skype for hours and make several calls a day, you chose not to.

There seem to be underlying issues and currents of conflict that have nothing to do with the distance.

He seems to want the relationship but if you don't get on board he will move on without you.

I think the ball is in your court.

[dukeandduchess 141]

If I said this to my Mom she would tell me to "Suck it up or move on." I think I'd tend to agree in this case. I'm not prone to commenting on other peoples' relationships because no one truly knows what is going on except the two people in the relationship. However, it sounds like you have both given up in your own different ways. You say you've taken to not communicating and he is off seeking emotional support from someone else. Neither of these makes for a healthy relationship. OP - we all have been through difficult times during this process - I hope you guys can figure it out.

Edit: mis-read.

Edited July 11, 2014 by dukeandduchess

[rlogan 2,036]

. You say you've taken to locking yourself in your room at your parents

No, she said that she is flitting about happily by surrounding herself with other people and ignoring her husband.

She said that locking herself in her room was the consequence of communicating with her husband. Therefore she does not communicate with him, and when she does the husband can see it is something she doesn't want to be doing.

[dukeandduchess 141]

No, she said that she is flitting about happily by surrounding herself with other people and ignoring her husband.

She said that locking herself in her room was the consequence of communicating with her husband. Therefore she does not communicate with him, and when she does the husband can see it is something she doesn't want to be doing.

Hence why I edited my post indicating I mis-read approximately one minute after originally posting. Thanks for the constructive reminder.

[bdrew612 1,071]

CanGirl, how often do you see/speak with your husband? If you avoid speaking to him because it makes you feel depressed, I can see why he's giving up emotionally. Imagine if he was avoiding you because speaking to you made him feel depressed.

He's not in the clear, either. He's getting emotionally involved with another woman and that is no bueno.

Weddings are fun and fabulous and everything feels like it will happy ever after, but marriages involve a lot of patience and a lot of time. It appears like you aren't giving each other any of that. When I get home, even though it's 11:30pm his time, you bet your tooshie he stays awake to see me before we say goodnight.

You both need a heart to heart with each other and a nice introspective look if this marriage you both want and both want to give proper attention to.

[HoussemAnna 20]

one year and seven months since I married my other half and we are still apart, skyping and calling everyday, I wish I could even have one day in this time to hold him again, you are truly lucky to have this opportunity. When you get married its not about me and more about we. You need to make your husband number one priority. If he needs attention and thats all, then cheer him up and save your marriage. It is totally unacceptable for him to have a relationship with his female co worker, and thats dangerous territory. Even when you feel like you cant give anymore time, patience, or love you need to find more to give.. because he is your husband. Love is part of marriage so is trust, respect, responsibility, and so much more. Discover that side of yourself that gives with out expecting anything. Maybe you could give him the time he craves and see how the little changes improve the relationship.

[Christi85 86]

Based on what you've said, the situation seems pretty clear: your husband is feeling lonely and ignored by your lack of communication and has been feeling this way for a long time now. He is now seeking the company of another woman, probably because he's feeling betrayed by you and he's close to reaching a breaking point (or he has already). I believe him when he says it's platonic between them right now, but I wouldn't be surprised if it developed into more than that sooner or later. His statements tell me that he is pretty darn close to ending the whole thing. Not necessarily because he doesn't love you anymore, but because he's probably confused, hurt and yes, this new woman is a new option that has now popped up in his life, making him feel valued and cared for. I want to make it clear that there's still no excuse for your husband hanging out with other women like that, but it's probably the best explanation as to why he's doing it at this point.

My advice would be this: if you truly love your husband (personally I don't understand why you wouldn't want to talk to him every day if possible, but that's just me), claim him back NOW before it gets too late and someone else gets into his life and heart for good. Tell him, show him, fly over to be with him asap (I know you said you're about to do this) and make sure you tell and show him every single day until the day comes when you move to the States to live with him.

Best of luck!

[Soloenta 2,218]

Hope we didn't scare you off just trying to help you out and tell you what we see and how to try to fix it. So please come back and tell us what your thinking.

[CanGirl 95]

First off I appreciate all of your replies. I wasn't expecting this thread to blow up like this. I just wanted to get it off of my chest and get some opinions from people. You are right, the distance is not what is wrong with this relationship. It is the fact that we are not trying to talk to each other and communicate. It's not just me fyi, it's him too... Some of you have been supportive and given constructive advice. Some of you have basically told me to stop being a prissy b**** princess and grow up. I understand why you say that. No one is right or wrong in this situation we just seem to have grown apart a lot and things have changed. I'm sorry to anyone that this offends. I know that you all are real advocates for marriage and would kill to be in my situation. We have mutually decided that it is a bad idea for me to come visit right now. I may regret that decision tomorrow, he may regret it too.. but right now we are just going to take this time to figure out what we want. We are still talking and we still love each other very much. We have not decided to end the relationship and we are still moving forward with the visa process. Thanks guys

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

The best way to see where you stand is to see eachother in person! Don't cancel the trip now. Do the trip and hash it out, face to face.

[Jawaree 717]

Strong love, must & should survive a yr, no easy feat, but if

its going to need work communication & positive thoughts,

at least there's an opportunity to visit over the border when fund

& time allows, its not easy but so many wait yrs and absense

makes the heart grows fonder

[dixi27 5]

when u were getting married u pretty much knew what to expect,i mean both of u,what is wrong with u people,first your husband is going out with his co worker,the main problem is what lead him to do it in the first place,and u have to change your attidute a lil bit,if my fiance did something similar to that he would be seriously hurt,like leg or arm broken,i havent seen my fiance in over 5 months,he works every day from 6 am,i dont work,we spend night with skype on thats how we sleep,we talk to each other or write to eachother every few hours,but when he comes home until he goes to work in the morning again we re together....this separation brought us even more closer together,marriage is not smth that comes and goess,but then again we all come from different cultures...i wish u good luck

[kehills 217]

From someone who has been married & divorced, & married again? Yeah, sometimes you need some time to cool down if you're both angry,... but generally having a border between you isn't the best way to go, there. You guys need to see each other and see if you even want to be in each other's presence, first. And then you need to figure out what you're going to do.

Folks are going to have different opinions over whether or not your husband can or should have female friends, but the communication thing? Y'all need to do that, and you need to do it in a place without a computer in front of you, or family distracting you.

IOW, Harpa's right. Go see your husband, and decide if he should still be your husband.

[Christi85 86]

The best way to see where you stand is to see eachother in person! Don't cancel the trip now. Do the trip and hash it out, face to face.

I completely agree, especially since there is another woman in the picture too. But at the end of the day, you guys are adults and you know what's best for you.

Based on what I'm reading, my gut feeling tells me that it's not just your husband's feelings that have gotten colder, but yours as well. This is not a criticism, as things like that happen a lot even to couples who live together. If I were you, I'd do what Harpa above said. I'd be going full on to salvage what I could, provided that I still cared to maintain the marriage. But I am not you, and you seem to think that keeping a distance is what's best at this point. Best of luck to both of you in your marriage and the visa process!

[Shari 6]

I believe if you cancel the trip the marriage will be over soon. If you both decided to cancel the trip, the marriage is already over. My husband and I called each other 3 times a day (even with a 6 hour time difference) and we skyped every weekend. We could not get enough of each other!!! There will be no way to fix this marriage unless you go on your trip and see if you can actually spend the 4 weeks together. If that works, you will need to continue your communications every single day until you are permanently together. Good luck!