This distance is destroying my relationship

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Your husband is communicating with you. He's telling you what his needs are, and how they're not being met. This? Is part of marriage - listening to one another. An appropriate response is not "be more like me," it's to figure out what you can do to help him have his needs met while also meeting your own.

If you're not willing to work with him to make sure his emotional needs are being met, then it sounds like the problem isn't with him.

I'm completely agree with your statement. When emotional needs of wife or husband are not being met, she/he would try to find someone to fulfill it. Marriage does not mean two persons just bonded by a vow - and legal papers- and then they forget how to make the marriage works. Being marriage is also how to learn to listen to each other and understand what kind emotional needs both of you looking for.

For OP: Talk heart to heart to your husband. I understand why he's being upset. I remember my then-fiance (my now husband) complained that I did not spend time talk to him more often. He just want me there even just looked to each other via Skype. Or share anything. That was the first years when we decided to have exclusive relationship - we started the courtship in 2008 and he filed I-129F last year. More harder because we had huge time differences like 12-14 hours. But after a while I understand his emotional needs. He needs someone to share his life with. Even only just talk how bad his day was at work. He then stopped complaining to me anymore.

I am happy he is not kind a guy who loves hangout with his friends after work. He would rather spend time with me after work or doing some activities together. I could not ask more better husband than that.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

This is the deal breaker, for me.

Whatever you decide on, good luck.

Indeed. I am at same boat with you. I would not let my husband hangout with female co-worker and visited his apartment while I am not there.

For OP: Here this thing, if you don't want him hang around with someone else, spend more time with him. Show him that you are willing to give time to him time that he is craving for. Might be it does not work for everyone but for me I knew how to make him feel closer to me. When we were still dating, I called him everyday at work for lunch, call his cellphone or anywhere he goes because I knew he likes if I paid attention for what he did.

[Ketsuban 1,034]

There is also this new woman in his life. A new co-worker. He said he met her at a work social outing to the beach a couple weeks ago. This Monday he told me that he stayed up all night texting her talking about music and religion. He also hung out with her on Tuesday. They went long boarding together and got food. He said she forgot her card so he bought her dinner. Then afterwards she went to his apartment and cooked vegan food for him. Well all of this threw up a huge red flag for me. He swears that it is all platonic and he doesn't have any feelings for her at all. I even made him ask her if she liked him romantically and to show me her reply. She said no that she doesn't think of him in that way at all. They even went out for tea after 9pm Wednesday night after church with another female co-worker. He says he told me about all this so it wouldn't turn into a huge thing later because she is an attractive woman. I just can't believe that she is not influencing his decision to end things with me right now.

I think your husband's behaviour is adding up. I did the same thing to my husband years ago when we were both still in high school. I was breaking down emotionally over the distance and sought comfort in another man who I ended up dating. I'm lucky my husband took me back after my lapse of judgement... not many people are that forgiving.

Either way, from my own point of view I don't think it would be appropriate for my husband to invite a woman co-worker back to his apartment. Would he have brought her back if you were living with him? I doubt it.

Edited July 11, 2014 by Ketsuban

[jens_prodigy 13]

I sympathize with you, my fiancee and I have been apart for one year almost exactly. This is not a fun or pleasant experience and sure, we've had our share of fights, disagreements, times of extreme loneliness and much more. But, I just have to say distance CANNOT destroy a relationship only the two people involved can. Every day you have to CHOOSE to spend time together in whatever way you can and modern technology has been so helpful in that.Can you imagine having to endure this when there was only snail-mail to communicate with? ??? I couldn't! Now we have skype, facetime, email, text, telephone, social media and more... so we're blessed. Every day you have to CHOOSE to make it work no matter what. A saying I always like to use is , "distance means so little when you mean so much", it reminds me that as hard as this process is, I would endure it 10 times over just to be with my fiancee every day for the rest of our lives. So, hang in there, don't let this break you. There will be tough days but the end result is happiness. Good luck!

[Pishi_Pishi 63]

Many times platonic frendships evolve into a romantic relationship. Feels like more is going on. For me it is a big red flag as he is hanging out with another woman. He is too negative and is probably looking for an excuse to separate. Trust your gut instict. I had couple friends in similiar situation and did not end well. I really hope things turn out for the best, but just wanted to tell you trust your insticts. Good Luck.

[Jojo_Jess 8]

Hmmmm, definitely sounds like a red flag to me also. Hanging out with an attractive, new co-worker texting each other all night talking about music and religion. I'll give him credit for being open and honest with you, but zero for respect. It's one thing to have a social life with coworkers, but another to spend other "fun" activities with each other...alone. Should've thought about this before even getting married and the difficulties of the significant times apart. It is hard, I know.

I know sometimes talking on Skype can be boring and sometimes you run out of stuff to talk about, but one of the things I found out is to really incorporate your life and his life like as if you guys are actually together, but digitally. Use technology to its fullest...skype/msg each other wherever you go. Go on skype dates, celebrate different things - birthdays, monthly anniversaries, shopping, eating, heck, wrap your cellphone in a plastic bag and take him in the shower with you...just be creative!

Like some said here, try the best you can to keep the relationship alive and talk to each other. It would be such a waste to end it, with so much time and effort to be together. Gonna have to dig deep and figure out what both of you really want before throwing in the towel. Oh, and by the way, most relationships start out as platonic and feelings for each do grow deeper whether you want it or not. If you can get him to realize that he's totally disrespecting you for hanging out with his "attractive" coworker, then I would advise him to stop it and put more focus on this marriage. Just my two cents.

[jfgk1987 303]

This is the deal breaker, for me.

Whatever you decide on, good luck.

This!

I almost feel like he's telling you this stuff so you don't get as mad at him if he decides he wants to end things. I mean...he's saying he just met this woman, and he invited her back to his house for her to cook him dinner? Oh hell no. Your husband is fulfilling his need for a physical (as in, physically present with him, as far as we know anyway...) and emotional connection with a different woman, quite literally putting her in your place. On purpose. OP, did you go visit him today? You guys really need to talk about all this. Do not settle for his excuses. Don't end up going through all of this trouble to be with him in vain.

[Emanettes 11]

I am not married yet, but soon I will be. However, I will say this because I am in a long distance relationship for more than 2 years now... What my fiance and I do??? We talk all the time. Talk what happened throughout the day, what you have eaten, what you have seen on the internet that is too cute, funny, or whatever, plan vacations that you want to do when you get together, talk about sex, watch your favorite tv shows together by clicking "play button" at the same time. EVEEERRRYYYTTTHHHIINNNGGG you think and you imagine you can do together. We fight too, do not talk for a couple of hours, then we figure things out what has caused the fight. I cry because distance really sucks, but I never thought of quitting.

I hope you save your marriage..

[blooms 63]

I see you are in Canada? Is it possible for both of you to visit more often?

Proximity wise your situation is better than other members here who are separated thousands of miles away.

I say give it a chance. However, I would be very cautious if I were you because your husband seems to fill the emotional gap by seeing some other woman.

I wish you well.

Good luck

Blooms

[Mike&Lin 39]

Being apart for almost a year now has completely destroyed my relationship. My husband is miserable and alone in the US and I am living with my parents. I have people around me and I have a reason to want to be happy every day. I don't want to be depressed and crying in my room all the time so I don't let myself do that. As a result we hardly communicate.

It seems we have a huge difference of opinion on what is important to us in a marriage. I don't want to get into all of the details but it seems he is leaning more toward just ending our relationship. I am supposed to go visit him tomorrow night for 4 weeks and he thinks that 4 weeks is not long enough. I know if I go to visit him we will make up but the minute I have to leave we will get into a huge fight again. I don't think we can resolve our issues properly because this distance is always going to be a huge obstacle to him.

This in my opinion is the problem. You need to get on the damn phone, skype, whatever, every day and be talking to him. You need to show him you really care about your relationship. Your actions are sending him the opposite message.

I've been in a relationship with my fiancée for 8 months. In those 8 months we have compiled over 1200 pages of chat logs and countless hours on the phone. It's the only way either of us keeps our sanity by knowing, without a doubt, that every day our partner is there for us going through the same thing we are going through.

[Soloenta 2,218]

There is also this new woman in his life. A new co-worker. He said he met her at a work social outing to the beach a couple weeks ago. This Monday he told me that he stayed up all night texting her talking about music and religion. He also hung out with her on Tuesday. They went long boarding together and got food. He said she forgot her card so he bought her dinner. Then afterwards she went to his apartment and cooked vegan food for him. Well all of this threw up a huge red flag for me. He swears that it is all platonic and he doesn't have any feelings for her at all. I even made him ask her if she liked him romantically and to show me her reply. She said no that she doesn't think of him in that way at all. They even went out for tea after 9pm Wednesday night after church with another female co-worker. He says he told me about all this so it wouldn't turn into a huge thing later because she is an attractive woman. I just can't believe that she is not influencing his decision to end things with me right now.

I'm sorry but you need to be on Skype with him every night for hours and hours. He needs to see and hear you everyday it's the only way he will feel some relief from his loneliness. Communication is the key! He just feels I think that you don't love him the way he loves you and he's hurt. Might have told you about this woman to show you he is still attractive to other women. A way to get your attention which he obviously has. Your going to have to sacrifice your me time to keep this together until you can be with him forever. I'll be praying for you.

[CowBoE 429]

I simply don't get it.

Most of us that are going through the fiancee visa processing

can't easily see each other in person for a long time

but our love gives us the patience to wait and

encourage each other through the what seems like a eternity wait.

You are so far along in the process and making visits,

why is your man so immature and impatient about this?

Please explain to him that majority of the fiancee visa processing

partners are simply happy to see each other on Skype

and still keep the love going until processing finishes in about 8 to 10 months.

Sounds like he's a grown up man with kid's emotion.

You might have to be the wise mother-like figure and calm him down.

Don't let your emotion get tangle with his childish demands.

Best wishes...

[Emanettes 11]

Sounds like you are making excuses as to why you don't talk to him. It's hard enough he is alone physically, you have left him alone emotionally. He also clearly thinks your family is more important than he is, if true you should not be married, if false you need to let him know.

Either way this will require work, time, and lots of communication.

[rlogan 2,036]

I don't want to be depressed and crying in my room all the time so I don't let myself do that. As a result we hardly communicate.

It seems we have a huge difference of opinion on what is important to us in a marriage. I don't want to get into all of the details

At first I was against all the blame-the-victim posts but Mike&Lyn zeroed in on something important here.

It doesn't make sense the way you concluded that you hardly communicate because you don't want to be depressed and crying in your room. So communicating with your husband makes you depressed? Ignoring that you are married makes you feel happier? How about what your husband wants? Isn't making him happy something you care about?

The second item above regarding huge differences of opinion on what is important in a marriage is actually the most important thing to talk about, but the one thing you don't want to detail. I gather that the husband wants to be talking to his wife every day on Skype or whatever, but you don't want to. So this is what he means by saying your family is more important to you than your own husband. It sounds like it goes further than this though and I don't think we have the whole story here.

But therefore the husband, who is not getting companionship from his wife, is seeking it elsewhere. He wants you to see that attractive women like his company. You ignore him while other attractive women enjoy spending time with him. He's told you that it is unacceptable to be rejected by his wife - that he expects his wife to communicate regularly with him. It's a red flag alright: it is a huge billowing signal that if you don't give him what he wants then he's going to get it elsewhere.

It really does feel wonderful when the most important person in our life has abandoned us and someone else shows us that we are worthy of their esteem. I agree with your husband - you guys just don't sound right for each other. I don't think this is just a matter of being apart. The fact you are so completely different about wanting to communicate while apart says something important about your compatibility.

[kehills 217]

This in my opinion is the problem. You need to get on the damn phone, skype, whatever, every day and be talking to him. You need to show him you really care about your relationship. Your actions are sending him the opposite message.

Yep, this.

Good grief I disagree completely. His needs are not being met because his wife is stuck in another country and he's tired of waiting so he opens up emotionally to some other woman? I think he's realised there are woman on his doorstep right in front of him that he doesn't have to wait for and he wants out of the relationship so he can go play.

CanGirl you don't want to be married to a man who doesn't think you're the highest, most important priority in his life. Don't let him treat you like this and make you think all this is your fault.

I simply don't get it.

Most of us that are going through the fiancee visa processing

can't easily see each other in person for a long time

but our love gives us the patience to wait and

encourage each other through the what seems like a eternity wait.

Both of you appear to have missed the part where she said she didn't want to sit in her room and be sad, so she didn't - and thus doesn't talk to him. His needs aren't being met because she's not spending time talking to him, so he's hanging out with other people, and telling her about it. Or is there some particular sexist reason I'm not aware of that the wife in this scenario is allowed to have a full social life, but the husband must sit at home and pine away without any contact with his wife, or other people?

OP in this situation is living a life she is apparently not happy with her husband living, and she won't live the life her husband wants her to live - one that involves sitting in her room talking to him when they're both at home.