Please Please Help...

[Fandango 1,439]

Not so long ago I went for a job interview at the Child Support section of Social Services in Virginia. I was surprised when the Legal Counsel there told me that there are reciprosity agreements with the UK and they can enforce child support orders made by the CSA in England.

Personally, I would contact the Social Services Department in your State and ASK them outright what powers they have to enforce child support orders issued in the UK by the CSA. They don't have to know any of your details - just ask a generic question. Maybe you can find out on the Social Services website.

I do feel that parents should be jointly financially responsible for their children, no matter where in the world they choose to live, but I do think these payments need to be reasonable. The CSA in the UK is renound for making ridiculous Orders for payment. When my ex-husband left me with three young children and no job - after caring for my sister who was dying of cancer - he was Ordered by the CSA to pay 2 pence per month in child support! Seriously, 2p a month! They even sent me a cheque for that amount! I should have kept it and framed it. There are instances also where amounts just leave the absent parent penniless, which isn't right.

I would first find out from the Child Support Agency here, in your state, what powers they have of enforcement of a UK Order for child support and then decide where to go from there. You may find that an agreement simply made between the two of you is the best thing all round for the child.

I have NEVER heard of anything so crazy!

[Peikko 1,575]

You think that's bad? My ex has never paid ANY child support, and I get a letter every year to tell me I recieved 0.00 pounds in support for the previous year. Excellent!

[arwensun1965 0]

I never got any child support for my daughter either, sucks big time but i got a job and did it on my own.

[Girona40 0]

Not so long ago I went for a job interview at the Child Support section of Social Services in Virginia. I was surprised when the Legal Counsel there told me that there are reciprosity agreements with the UK and they can enforce child support orders made by the CSA in England.

Personally, I would contact the Social Services Department in your State and ASK them outright what powers they have to enforce child support orders issued in the UK by the CSA. They don't have to know any of your details - just ask a generic question. Maybe you can find out on the Social Services website.

I do feel that parents should be jointly financially responsible for their children, no matter where in the world they choose to live, but I do think these payments need to be reasonable. The CSA in the UK is renound for making ridiculous Orders for payment. When my ex-husband left me with three young children and no job - after caring for my sister who was dying of cancer - he was Ordered by the CSA to pay 2 pence per month in child support! Seriously, 2p a month! They even sent me a cheque for that amount! I should have kept it and framed it. There are instances also where amounts just leave the absent parent penniless, which isn't right.

I would first find out from the Child Support Agency here, in your state, what powers they have of enforcement of a UK Order for child support and then decide where to go from there. You may find that an agreement simply made between the two of you is the best thing all round for the child.

I have NEVER heard of anything so crazy!

It was pretty funny really - I had three kids on my own and had no means of income, when he left. I went straight out and got myself a job (working for the US government, funnily enough!) and we managed quite nicely, even without child support of any kind from "dad". After the episode where the CSA sent me a cheque for 2p, I phoned them and told them not to waste taxpayers' money sending this meagre amount out because the stamp and the production of the cheque cost considerably more than the value of the payment. They told me "Sorry madam, but we have to pay any amount over to the parent claiming because we can't be seen to be witholding their money!" hahahaha

A month or so later, when they decided that he should be paying more, 30 quid a month it went up to, he would come over to pick the kids up to take them to his house to watch t.v.!! I handed him the cheque, signed the back, and told him to use it to take them somewhere.

I guess the kids benefitted somewhat - at least they didn't have to sit in front of the t.v. all weekend when they went to visit their Dad!

[Fandango 1,439]

Not so long ago I went for a job interview at the Child Support section of Social Services in Virginia. I was surprised when the Legal Counsel there told me that there are reciprosity agreements with the UK and they can enforce child support orders made by the CSA in England.

Personally, I would contact the Social Services Department in your State and ASK them outright what powers they have to enforce child support orders issued in the UK by the CSA. They don't have to know any of your details - just ask a generic question. Maybe you can find out on the Social Services website.

I do feel that parents should be jointly financially responsible for their children, no matter where in the world they choose to live, but I do think these payments need to be reasonable. The CSA in the UK is renound for making ridiculous Orders for payment. When my ex-husband left me with three young children and no job - after caring for my sister who was dying of cancer - he was Ordered by the CSA to pay 2 pence per month in child support! Seriously, 2p a month! They even sent me a cheque for that amount! I should have kept it and framed it. There are instances also where amounts just leave the absent parent penniless, which isn't right.

I would first find out from the Child Support Agency here, in your state, what powers they have of enforcement of a UK Order for child support and then decide where to go from there. You may find that an agreement simply made between the two of you is the best thing all round for the child.

I have NEVER heard of anything so crazy!

It was pretty funny really - I had three kids on my own and had no means of income, when he left. I went straight out and got myself a job (working for the US government, funnily enough!) and we managed quite nicely, even without child support of any kind from "dad". After the episode where the CSA sent me a cheque for 2p, I phoned them and told them not to waste taxpayers' money sending this meagre amount out because the stamp and the production of the cheque cost considerably more than the value of the payment. They told me "Sorry madam, but we have to pay any amount over to the parent claiming because we can't be seen to be witholding their money!" hahahaha

A month or so later, when they decided that he should be paying more, 30 quid a month it went up to, he would come over to pick the kids up to take them to his house to watch t.v.!! I handed him the cheque, signed the back, and told him to use it to take them somewhere.

I guess the kids benefitted somewhat - at least they didn't have to sit in front of the t.v. all weekend when they went to visit their Dad!

did you give him the 2p one as well?

What a dique! Sorry, but taking back the checks? He oughta be ashamed!

[Girona40 0]

Not so long ago I went for a job interview at the Child Support section of Social Services in Virginia. I was surprised when the Legal Counsel there told me that there are reciprosity agreements with the UK and they can enforce child support orders made by the CSA in England.

Personally, I would contact the Social Services Department in your State and ASK them outright what powers they have to enforce child support orders issued in the UK by the CSA. They don't have to know any of your details - just ask a generic question. Maybe you can find out on the Social Services website.

I do feel that parents should be jointly financially responsible for their children, no matter where in the world they choose to live, but I do think these payments need to be reasonable. The CSA in the UK is renound for making ridiculous Orders for payment. When my ex-husband left me with three young children and no job - after caring for my sister who was dying of cancer - he was Ordered by the CSA to pay 2 pence per month in child support! Seriously, 2p a month! They even sent me a cheque for that amount! I should have kept it and framed it. There are instances also where amounts just leave the absent parent penniless, which isn't right.

I would first find out from the Child Support Agency here, in your state, what powers they have of enforcement of a UK Order for child support and then decide where to go from there. You may find that an agreement simply made between the two of you is the best thing all round for the child.

I have NEVER heard of anything so crazy!

It was pretty funny really - I had three kids on my own and had no means of income, when he left. I went straight out and got myself a job (working for the US government, funnily enough!) and we managed quite nicely, even without child support of any kind from "dad". After the episode where the CSA sent me a cheque for 2p, I phoned them and told them not to waste taxpayers' money sending this meagre amount out because the stamp and the production of the cheque cost considerably more than the value of the payment. They told me "Sorry madam, but we have to pay any amount over to the parent claiming because we can't be seen to be witholding their money!" hahahaha

A month or so later, when they decided that he should be paying more, 30 quid a month it went up to, he would come over to pick the kids up to take them to his house to watch t.v.!! I handed him the cheque, signed the back, and told him to use it to take them somewhere.

I guess the kids benefitted somewhat - at least they didn't have to sit in front of the t.v. all weekend when they went to visit their Dad!

did you give him the 2p one as well?

What a dique! Sorry, but taking back the checks? He oughta be ashamed!

Unfortunately, he thought the grass was greener on the, proverbial, other side of the fence. It just didn't turn out that way for him. I am thankful that the children didn't really suffer because of his lack of financial support and they are understanding of the sacrifices I had to make in order for them to have a good life. No real harm was done by him not paying and, no, I didn't give him the cheque for 2p. I don't remember what I did with it - I really wish I had kept it and had it framed, just for a laugh!

[Peikko 1,575]

The lack of extra income didn't bother me. However, I thought/think that it shows the total lack of respect that my ex has for his son by allowing himself to wallow in this no income situation. An adult who thinks it's ok to live off the state for years, not a very good role model. Sadly, I know that he sees himself as a victim and has no idea how to help himself.

[Girona40 0]

The lack of extra income didn't bother me. However, I thought/think that it shows the total lack of respect that my ex has for his son by allowing himself to wallow in this no income situation. An adult who thinks it's ok to live off the state for years, not a very good role model. Sadly, I know that he sees himself as a victim and has no idea how to help himself.

It is sad when absent parents see themselves as a victim, and in some cases the parent with care and control of the children can make them feel that way. I have known many women that felt the money side of things is what made you a good parent - it isn't. Spending time with them, explaining that they are in no way to blame for the situation, enjoying being with them and having fun, and most-importantly not using the time to "bash" the other parent.

I understand what you are saying about the "wallowing in self pity" and yet he didn't seem to make much of an effort to find work to allow him to provide a better life for his child, but once you allow yourself to get low like that it is really very difficult to pull yourself out of it! It does show a lack of respect for the child, but it shows lack of respect for yourself moreso, in my opinion.

It is difficult bringing up children on your own, but the rewards of being able to say to yourself "I didn't do such a bad job" is tremendous!

[Peikko 1,575]

I have never used my child to 'get back at' my ex. I don't talk disparigingly about him around my home. I encourage my son to communicate with and visit his father.

I never wanted anything from my ex, nor do I now. However, I do wonder if by allowing fathers to pay nothing towards their childs upbringing is really the right way. If he had to pay something, maybe he would at least realise that in the eyes of society he still has a responsibilty towards his son and he would act in a more fatherly role. It's probably unlikely though.

[Girona40 0]

I have never used my child to 'get back at' my ex. I don't talk disparigingly about him around my home. I encourage my son to communicate with and visit his father.

I never wanted anything from my ex, nor do I now. However, I do wonder if by allowing fathers to pay nothing towards their childs upbringing is really the right way. If he had to pay something, maybe he would at least realise that in the eyes of society he still has a responsibilty towards his son and he would act in a more fatherly role. It's probably unlikely though.

I sincerely hope that you didn't think my comments were in any way aimed at you. It is so difficult to interject tone to a post and I was just commenting on how other people I know have acted.

I would hate to think I had caused you any offence - it was certainly not my intention. I agree with you 100%. It isn't right that the absent parent (not just fathers I might add) do not contribute to the upbringing of the child they contributed in making!

I never wanted anything from my ex when it came to child support. Unfortunately, because he left when I didn't have a job, and had to claim Income Support, the CSA got involved. I was awarded 2p a month and they sent it to me in the form of a cheque!

All the children ever wanted from him was for him to be a father, absent if that was his choice. But he couldn't even do that for them. Now that they are 18 years old, and still fighting to gain his attention, I see the damage he caused them was nothing to do with money and so that was never worth fighting.

Again, my sincere apologies if I caused you any personal offence, that was not what I had intended.

[Boiler 45,411]

Reminds me of a friend of my wifes. Husband ups and goes leveing her with 2 small boys.

She has support ordered but he can not be found.

20 years I think later he dies, living in Florida with new wife and family.

They actually notify her, can not remember why, meanhwhile all the accumulated missed support has been accumulating, added up to $150,000 and is a first charge on the estate.

Do not think the new family were that amused, her sons insited that she have it all.

[Peikko 1,575]

Apology unnecessary, though that was very generous. I wasn't annoyed reading what you said, I just wanted to clarify my position

[*julez* 124]

The lack of extra income didn't bother me. However, I thought/think that it shows the total lack of respect that my ex has for his son by allowing himself to wallow in this no income situation. An adult who thinks it's ok to live off the state for years, not a very good role model. Sadly, I know that he sees himself as a victim and has no idea how to help himself.

It is sad when absent parents see themselves as a victim, and in some cases the parent with care and control of the children can make them feel that way. I have known many women that felt the money side of things is what made you a good parent - it isn't. Spending time with them, explaining that they are in no way to blame for the situation, enjoying being with them and having fun, and most-importantly not using the time to "bash" the other parent.

I understand what you are saying about the "wallowing in self pity" and yet he didn't seem to make much of an effort to find work to allow him to provide a better life for his child, but once you allow yourself to get low like that it is really very difficult to pull yourself out of it! It does show a lack of respect for the child, but it shows lack of respect for yourself moreso, in my opinion.

It is difficult bringing up children on your own, but the rewards of being able to say to yourself "I didn't do such a bad job" is tremendous!

Wow! You could totally be talking about my soon to be ex! He abused our kids, now doesn't support them, wants maintenance from me and can't see what he did wrong! UGH! You are so right about getting so low and having trouble getting out. Its hard, but worth the effort for your kids. Its hard to see that when mired in self pity. People like that often figure it out too late. When my kids say they hate their father I tell them to feel sorry for him cos he's the one missing out on what great kids they are.

To the OP: I admire you're husband for providing what he can for his child. Sadly, some people are just greedy. I hope you guys can settle on something that will allow the child and you guys to live well. Good luck!!!!

[Girona40 0]

"When my kids say they hate their father I tell them to feel sorry for him cos he's the one missing out on what great kids they are".

I used to say this to my children too, but wasn't aware that it was actually making the situation worse! I had thought I was doing the right thing, not turning them against him, not wanting them to hate him (he was their father after all) and wanting them to realise that he felt the way he did (that I hadn't paid him enough attention while caring for my dying sister) and our splitting up was not their fault.

In the end I had to get a counselor in to talk to them, I was worried because the behavious of my youngest son was a little "off the wall". He was getting in trouble at school, fighting with his siblings, all things that were out of character. Anyway, the counselor said that I wasn't to continually try to "smooth things over", I was to let them be angry, let them direct their anger at him. I wasn't to protect him. I was shocked at the time, thinking that I was doing the right thing and protecting them, but as it turned out she was right.

Years later the children told me that they were angry at him and he needed to know it. That I was stopping them from letting out that anger and that is why my youngest son was taking it out on everybody but my ex-husband, because he didn't want to upset me.

It's funny how we can so often misinterpret a situation. They didn't hate their father, they were angry at him, but didn't know any other way to put it. Oh, they have since told him he's a kn*b! lol They see each other, when they all get together in England, but they now realise that he wasn't (and still isn't by all accounts) a very mature person and they just pity him. Sad really, but at least they can move on with their lives knowing they did their best to have a relationship with him.

[Lansbury 19]

Hi,

The lawyer has mentioned they are able to make him pay what they demand even though he's living in the US. Apparently under something called the "Hague Convention" the UK has a reciprocal agreement with most the states to force non-custodial parents to pay.

The Hague Convention deals with matters of child custody and maintenance etc, and in simplest terms means that any orders or legal agreements in force in a country which is a signatory to the Convention can be enforced in any other country which is also a signatory. Both the UK and USA or signatories to the convention.

I only have experience in enforcing custody orders and child abduction offences under the Convention, but from personal experience I can say the Legal Attache's office at the US Embassy in London will do all in its power to observe and enforce the requirements of the Hague Convention.