What would you do?

[Avery Cates 1,141]

Please please VJers tell me what to do!

I've been in a (same-sex) relationship with this woman from the UK. Met her when she was just dumped by her younger girlfriend. (I am quite a lot younger than her too but that isn't an issue to me). I thought I just talked with her to make her feel better because she sounded really miserable, considering leaving the country, selling the house, quitting her job and everything.

After some time she told me she loved me. I didn't say I loved her back, even though by then I had developed quite strong feelings for her. She kept telling me she loved me and wanted to hear that from me too. She would cry if I didn't say so. I was afraid that she was just on the rebound and was using me to get over or get even with the other girl.

Anyways, I told her I loved her, and I really do love her. The relationship has gone on for about a year and a half. She says she's willing to move to the US if I don't want to move to the UK. I don't really want to move to the UK because I just immigrated to the US not very long ago and am in the middle of everything: getting settled, going to college...And we agreed that she would move here. I've been getting the petition package ready to bring her here.

However, yes, I hate this "however", why there must always be a "however"? In early April, she said her ex, who was with someone else already, contacted her and wanted to see her to "talk". My girlfriend and I were constantly in touch, online. She said she would go crazy if not hearing from me for an hour. Pretty much the same for me. She messaged and called me constantly that evening, until her ex arrived at 11 pm. I didn't hear from her for hours. Then at 5 am I messaged her. She didn't responded. Then at around 6 am she called me, saying her ex girlfriend had just left. They had so much to "sort out" in order to become "friends". (They had never been friends.)

I was extremely hurt. But she promised they were just friends and as I loved her so much I couldn't let her go. After a few days we were back to normal.

But since then I have seen the other girl frequently commenting on my girlfriend's facebook, always with kisses and cuddles and everything. That really bothers me, to the point I told her I was not comfortable with her talking to her ex. She said she would not and she didn't have any feelings for that girl. All she wanted was me, no one else.

But I still saw stuff made posted by the other girl on my girlfriend's facebook. My girlfriend never said anything back in public. That raised a red flag in me because if my girlfriend totally ignored the other girl she would not go on posting on her timeline. They must have been communicating.

I couldn't stand the suspicion any more. I logged in to her facebook account (which I had the password to), and voila! They had been chatting on a daily basis, the conversations were always initiated by my girlfriend. Every time my girlfriend told the other girl she missed her, she loved her and would always love her. My heart was crushed. I couldn't breathe for minutes. I thought I was dying.

I didn't say anything about that. I just stopped communication with my girlfriend. But she went crazy. She asked me what happened, if I had found someone else, she said she was going to die if I didn't respond. I told her I knew she had been talking with her ex-girlfriend and had been lying to me. She denied that. She said she never talked to that girl. I knew she did, and it was not a prank by the other girl, because they were the conversations between two people, my girlfriend was one of them: she took selfies and sent them to the other girl, she told the other girl about her everyday life.

But she cried so much. I couldn't stand her tears. I loved her! I said I didn't want to come across and a control freak but I couldn't deal with her talking with the other girl, because when we met she was still in love with her, especially the incident on that night in April. I said I was not telling her who to talk to and who not to. I just couldn't deal with that, and I would have to go if she kept communicating with her ex. She said as I was so important to her that she couldn't live without me, she would never do it again, would never initiate a conversation, would never respond to any of the texts, or messages, or calls from the other girl.

I really love this woman and will do anything for her, except accepting the fact that she still communicates with her ex. We hardly ever fought, until I saw the facebook messages between them. And it was about two weeks ago. Sometimes I brought that up again, she would cry again, accusing me of hurting her, that she had promised not to talk to her ex any more and I should trust her and never to mention it.

Things went smoothly for over a week, until today, I sensed something was wrong. I logged into her facebook account again, and darn, I saw the same stuff, just made recently, every day, until today: still "I miss you", "I will always miss you"... And they call each other pet names. (The other girl is still with her girlfriend).

I almost hurt myself. The pain is too much. I don't know what to do. I was totally fine before I met her. I'm not the kind of person who will die if not finding a partner. But then she made me fall in love with her and now there is a void which was never there before, which nothing can fill.

I don't know what to do. I can't petition for her now, because I can't be heart-broken for the rest of my life. But I don't know how to let this woman go.

I'm feeling worse than dead.

Please please share with me what you think about this.

Thank you

(I just pour my heart out here, I don't have the guts to look back at what I've typed so typos are inevitable.)

Best to move on.

Wouldn't even have it be a thing, just block her on Facebook/Skype/whatever and have that be the end of it.

Don't even put up with that nonsense.

[The Mean Lady 604]

It's the hard thing to do, but you need to let this girl go.

You're never going to have an ideal relationship as trust is always going to be an issue for you.

It's clear she's "cheating" on you by my personal definition of cheating.

You've read the messages. You're not comfortable with it.

That thought of what she's doing behind your back is always going to linger.

The way she's treating you isn't right.

I think you know what you have to do, or honestly, you wouldn't have asked.

There is no "one" person for anyone.

You'll find another person. Don't worry.

[LORIEandPHIL 123]

@Iloveher: this has green card fraud written all over it. Backwards, forwards and in 20 different languages. Maybe she did love you initially, but not anymore. She wants you so she can get her green card, break up with you, and bring her ex over and they can both happily live ever after in the United States. I would just dump her like a bad habit! Seriously. As much as you love her, you cannot force love. And you cannot expect her to love you. If she doesn't love you, she doesn't. You have to just move on! You'll find someone who loves you for who you are regardless of your citizenship/status. She is basically right now marrying your passport, not you! Please, please, please, you don't want to be in this vicious circle...in the end you'll be the one second guessing yourself for years to come instead of being in a healthy relationship where there's no messing around, and your partner loves you, and only YOU! Move on! I don't know you, but it sounds you are a great person, so I'm pretty sure you'll find others relatively quickly who you'll have fun with, and who will be the best by your side. You'll never have to think about what kind of messages she'll have on her facebook account, or as a text message, or an email, or phone conversation. She'll be with you in all aspects! I'm so sorry for you!!! And I do hope you'll remove her quickly from your life, and you'll find someone way more worthy! All the best!

This does not have green card fraud written all over it. People do not move from the UK, to the states for a better life. Maybe if she came from a third world country you could guess at green card fraud, but not from a place that has free healthcare, better employment prospects, and a decent standard of living. It sounds like a simple case of her not being over her ex. My advice would be move on and forget all about her.

[Lindac 3]

Thank you for your responses.

Yes, I do know what I should do. But it is so hard!

I have never looked for love, I always did well on my own. But when love happens I take it. And I believe it's a beautiful thing, a miracle. We don't develop those special feelings for anyone, and we don't know why we have those feelings when we are with that particular person. We can't be sure if the same thing will happen again.

The feelings are still there but I know something has permanently broken. Even if I were able to forgive I could never forget. I could never trust her again and from now on I would always take what she tells me with a grain of salt. It's very toxic to my soul, and to our relationship, at some point the poison would accumulate to the level where cancer is caused.

She's not been honest with me. But she's a very sweet woman. Oh lord! This is so freaking hard!

[Rob & Monika 87]

There are no options I can see. If you just immigrated, you cannot petition her for a K-1, as you would not be a USC if you just immigrated. If I remember correctly, the processing time for IR/CR for non citizens is even longer than it is for a USC.

[Lindac 3]

There are no options I can see. If you just immigrated, you cannot petition her for a K-1, as you would not be a USC if you just immigrated. If I remember correctly, the processing time for IR/CR for non citizens is even longer than it is for a USC.

I didn't immigrate yesterday, Rob and Monika. I'm a naturalized US citizen.

Thank you for your input, though.

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

@Iloveher: I am sure it is hard to leave behind one you dearly loved. But as i said in my second post (that also turned out to be mighty lengthy) you'll have to live in a life where you'll be always second guessing yourself. That is just not healthy and don't seem to work for a long time for anyone. If you really love her, you let her go and be happy. She says she loves you, sure it's not that she hates you. She probably does love you. Just doesn't love you ENOUGH! Her heart beats louder for her ex. You guys still can be friends, keep in contact, visit each other and whatnot, but just don't continue to be engaged in a deep relationship with her. I wish you the very best, a person like you hard to believe won't find someone else. Oh, and just simply ignore rude comments....unfortunately, they are abound...All the best!

@Mean Lady: I LOOOOOVE your profile image!!!!

[Lindac 3]

Thank you, AnotherLostsoul.

I know where I would be heading to if I continued with this relationship. But breakups are always hard, you know, sometimes they seem like impossible. There have been people who'd rather take their life than deal with a break-up. I'm not saying that that's what I'm going to do, I mean it's hard.

By the way, sometimes people do things that I fail to understand why, such as lying, cheating, or hurting others for no reason.

[savagechair 38]

I am very sorry this is so painful for you. It is hard when we give our hearts, and our feelings are disregarded.

Right now try to find the strength to decide with your HEAD. Your heart is attached, and may make rash decisions that have long-term, major repercussions.

By choosing with your head, you will be certain of several weeks, if not months, pain, but avoid YEARS of uncertainty, emotional abuse, mistrust, etc.

Learn to give yourself the love you yearn for with her. I know, easier said than done. But you deserve it.

[Carla V 43]

Hi, I know it hurt to be cheated but no matter how much she cry she is a cheater... who can tell if they are having an affair or just hook up sometimes... you are not there... She promise to stop talking to her but she still does... PLEASE be strong and cut all communication with her... block her from your contacts so you don't receive any messages... no matter what her plans are, what it matters is how she is as a person and she show you that trusting her is useless.... maybe you will be alone for a while but what is important is that you know you are loved and respected... you said you are starting projects or school, pay attention to that and just the time will tell who is a match for you, but not this woman that proved to be a liar... promises disappear in the wind... and the distance doesn't help neither... good luck and the best wishes

[BabyFaceWife 11]

[TBoneTX 46,067]

OP - Sorry to hear/read your situation. There are many that can sympathize and/or empathize with you. IMO, it's time to move on. Life is far too short.

"I hold it true, what'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all."

Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem "In Memoriam 27" (1850)

Post edited to remove tasteless last line, then returned to thread.

VJ Moderation

Edited June 20, 2014 by TBoneTX

[Kiwinyc 62]

Gender in this situation is irrelevant in my opinion.

Stop being sucked into the drama. She sounds very needy and emotionally damaged and you have being strung along and treated badly. And you know she's doing the same thing with her (formerly ex) girlfriend.

She doesn't really love you, someone that loves you doesn't treat you like she has.

She doesn't love either of you, she loves herself and her ego is feeding off the power of being able to dupe BOTH of you into thinking she's your one true love.

I really sorry you're having your heart broken by this person but its not new, and you can grab whats left of your self esteem and find someone better, someone who will be lucky to have you in their life and will love you unconditionally. There is a perfect someone else out there for you, I promise.

Just not this toxic emotional vampire.

Please please VJers tell me what to do!

I've been in a (same-sex) relationship with this woman from the UK. Met her when she was just dumped by her younger girlfriend. (I am quite a lot younger than her too but that isn't an issue to me). I thought I just talked with her to make her feel better because she sounded really miserable, considering leaving the country, selling the house, quitting her job and everything.

After some time she told me she loved me. I didn't say I loved her back, even though by then I had developed quite strong feelings for her. She kept telling me she loved me and wanted to hear that from me too. She would cry if I didn't say so. I was afraid that she was just on the rebound and was using me to get over or get even with the other girl.

Anyways, I told her I loved her, and I really do love her. The relationship has gone on for about a year and a half. She says she's willing to move to the US if I don't want to move to the UK. I don't really want to move to the UK because I just immigrated to the US not very long ago and am in the middle of everything: getting settled, going to college...And we agreed that she would move here. I've been getting the petition package ready to bring her here.

However, yes, I hate this "however", why there must always be a "however"? In early April, she said her ex, who was with someone else already, contacted her and wanted to see her to "talk". My girlfriend and I were constantly in touch, online. She said she would go crazy if not hearing from me for an hour. Pretty much the same for me. She messaged and called me constantly that evening, until her ex arrived at 11 pm. I didn't hear from her for hours. Then at 5 am I messaged her. She didn't responded. Then at around 6 am she called me, saying her ex girlfriend had just left. They had so much to "sort out" in order to become "friends". (They had never been friends.)

I was extremely hurt. But she promised they were just friends and as I loved her so much I couldn't let her go. After a few days we were back to normal.

But since then I have seen the other girl frequently commenting on my girlfriend's facebook, always with kisses and cuddles and everything. That really bothers me, to the point I told her I was not comfortable with her talking to her ex. She said she would not and she didn't have any feelings for that girl. All she wanted was me, no one else.

But I still saw stuff made posted by the other girl on my girlfriend's facebook. My girlfriend never said anything back in public. That raised a red flag in me because if my girlfriend totally ignored the other girl she would not go on posting on her timeline. They must have been communicating.

I couldn't stand the suspicion any more. I logged in to her facebook account (which I had the password to), and voila! They had been chatting on a daily basis, the conversations were always initiated by my girlfriend. Every time my girlfriend told the other girl she missed her, she loved her and would always love her. My heart was crushed. I couldn't breathe for minutes. I thought I was dying.

I didn't say anything about that. I just stopped communication with my girlfriend. But she went crazy. She asked me what happened, if I had found someone else, she said she was going to die if I didn't respond. I told her I knew she had been talking with her ex-girlfriend and had been lying to me. She denied that. She said she never talked to that girl. I knew she did, and it was not a prank by the other girl, because they were the conversations between two people, my girlfriend was one of them: she took selfies and sent them to the other girl, she told the other girl about her everyday life.

But she cried so much. I couldn't stand her tears. I loved her! I said I didn't want to come across and a control freak but I couldn't deal with her talking with the other girl, because when we met she was still in love with her, especially the incident on that night in April. I said I was not telling her who to talk to and who not to. I just couldn't deal with that, and I would have to go if she kept communicating with her ex. She said as I was so important to her that she couldn't live without me, she would never do it again, would never initiate a conversation, would never respond to any of the texts, or messages, or calls from the other girl.

I really love this woman and will do anything for her, except accepting the fact that she still communicates with her ex. We hardly ever fought, until I saw the facebook messages between them. And it was about two weeks ago. Sometimes I brought that up again, she would cry again, accusing me of hurting her, that she had promised not to talk to her ex any more and I should trust her and never to mention it.

Things went smoothly for over a week, until today, I sensed something was wrong. I logged into her facebook account again, and darn, I saw the same stuff, just made recently, every day, until today: still "I miss you", "I will always miss you"... And they call each other pet names. (The other girl is still with her girlfriend).

I almost hurt myself. The pain is too much. I don't know what to do. I was totally fine before I met her. I'm not the kind of person who will die if not finding a partner. But then she made me fall in love with her and now there is a void which was never there before, which nothing can fill.

I don't know what to do. I can't petition for her now, because I can't be heart-broken for the rest of my life. But I don't know how to let this woman go.

I'm feeling worse than dead.

Please please share with me what you think about this.

Thank you

(I just pour my heart out here, I don't have the guts to look back at what I've typed so typos are inevitable.)

[TBoneTX 46,067]

A troll has been banned from VJ, with relevant posts & quotes thereof removed from this thread. Thread is moved from Effects of Major Changes forum to the Off Topic forum, because no immigration matter is apparent.

TBoneTX

VJ Moderation

[jfgk1987 303]

People of all types can do things like this, no matter the gender or orientation.

That being said, you shouldn't have to put up with this. How much disappointment can you handle? She probably doesn't think very highly of you if she tells you one thing then lies behind your back, think about that for a minute. Really, take a moment and think about how stupid she must think you are to believe her. She obviously does NOT respect you or your feelings and you need to see past your feelings for her to realize this and move on. If you respect yourself you should "cut your losses" as they say, in the long run it will hurt less. Who knows what else she could be doing, she could be physical with this person. You deserve better than this hot mess. Block her on everything you possibly can (do you have Verizon or an iPhone? You can block her number if you do) and don't look back, you'll only be asking for more pain if you do.

Edited June 20, 2014 by jfgk1987