Preference for non-American mates

[Fandango 1,439]

I remembered something and it is probably more on track with the topic so I wanted to add it...

Shortly after my divorce in 2000 I met a coworker who is Thai. I helped her with her home computer a few times so we got to know each other as friends. One day at work she came in my office and closed the door. She confided in me about a problem with her on again/off again boyfriend. He cheated on her several times and one time hit her when he was drunk. She asked me what she should do. I advised her to leave him and I'll admit I was biased (I liked her) in that advice but I would've given the same advice to anyone in her situation. She knew I liked her and she liked me as well but she told me her father wouldn't let her date a non-Asian man (her boyfriend was also Thai) because he was very old fashioned. Not long after that our company went belly up, we all got laid off, and we lost touch. About a year later I learned that she was pregnant from the same boyfriend. They married not long after that. It was maybe 3-4 years ago that a mutual friend told me she was miserable. She was working full time + weekends and all of her money goes the family. He worked too but apparently has a gambling problem. My friend tried to convince her to take the child and leave him but he threatened to fight any custody. She didn't want to embarrass her family name with divorce either. Well, this is kinda long winded but my point is I don't think it's good idea to choose or not choose someone based on their race or nationality. Were it not for my friend's fathers bias she probably would've left her boyfriend, not gotten pregnant, and not gotten forced into a marriage as a result.

I thought this was a powerful story. And it caused me to wonder about something.

I was GONNA say that I believe European men to be more polite and generally more considerate of women than most American men. And that I would find it hard to ever go back to relationships with American males. Maybe I shouldn't state it that way though, or believe it with such conviction?

UNLESS, it's true what Steven said - that it's more cultural differences that we like which attract us?

I don't think it's just that my wonderful European husband is so gracious, good-hearted, patient and considerate of me. I've heard other women make the same comment about European-born men.

Oh well - I guess it's not good to generalize. Eye wide open should be the rule of the day!

Generally speaking, perhaps in this country, men and women alike have lost their sensibilities when it comes to lasting love? We certainly live in a disposible society and many failed relationships seem to be a consequence. I don't think it's that those qualities we wanted in our SO can't be found in Americans, but possibly that they are harder to come by? There's something to be said about the shift in American Values and having a lifelong marriage doesn't seem an ideal that many Americans hold on to.

I don't agree with that...I think we're always going into strange territory when we start speaking like 'the American is great for this' 'the Brit is good for that' as if they were dogs. There is not really any universal truth to be said for characteristics of nationalities, imo. Americans come from every part of the planet so to say that they are x,y, and z is unfair. This is the same trouble I have when ppl say that 'American women blah blah blah' it's just untrue.

I think the 'novelty' factor of having a foreign partner is something that shouldn't go unsaid. Take that fwiw.

I don't love D because he's British...in fact, I'd dare say I love him despite the fact that he's British. I would never ever ever go through any of this LDR ####### if it weren't for him...and we met by chance...not that either of us was seeking someone from a different nationality. I was initially enthralled with his accent, but now I don't even hear it anymore. I have embraced his culture and all our differences simply because I love him, therefore I want to better understand where he's lived and whatnot.

But again, to say that 'American Values' are pushing ppl to look elsewhere seems kind of odd. Sure, there may be people who don't fit your value system...but to categorically say that seems wrong. There are male USCs and female USCs on this site essentially saying the same thing, so I think that fact alone proves it not to be true

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

OMG this started off as a pretty simple question... When did the Moral Patrol Show up ?

[Fandango 1,439]

OMG this started off as a pretty simple question... When did the Moral Patrol Show up ?

Why mock me for my opinion? And what's this have to do about 'moral patrol' anyways?

That's just plain rude and uncivilized. You don't have to like my opinion, but as an adult, you shouldn't mock me for it either.

[TracyTN 237]

OMG this started off as a pretty simple question... When did the Moral Patrol Show up ?

Why mock me for my opinion? And what's this have to do about 'moral patrol' anyways?

That's just plain rude and uncivilized. You don't have to like my opinion, but as an adult, you shouldn't mock me for it either.

You forget, Lisa, that we're prudes.

[Fandango 1,439]

OMG this started off as a pretty simple question... When did the Moral Patrol Show up ?

Why mock me for my opinion? And what's this have to do about 'moral patrol' anyways?

That's just plain rude and uncivilized. You don't have to like my opinion, but as an adult, you shouldn't mock me for it either.

You forget, Lisa, that we're prudes.

oooooh right! I forgot! hahahahahha

[Ban Hammer 13,343]

OMG this started off as a pretty simple question... When did the Moral Patrol Show up ?

Why mock me for my opinion? And what's this have to do about 'moral patrol' anyways?

That's just plain rude and uncivilized. You don't have to like my opinion, but as an adult, you shouldn't mock me for it either.

You forget, Lisa, that we're prudes.

oooooh right! I forgot! hahahahahha

the prude patrol?

[TracyTN 237]

Apparently.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I'm a caucasian US citizen and my ex-wife is also caucasian. I wasn't looking for a white woman when we met, it just turned out that way. The woman I'm petitioning now (my wife, Lina) is a Filipina and we met by chance. I was on a cruise ship with friends and she was working on the ship. I never thought I'd meet my wife then and there but it happened and I couldn't be happier. I will say that I have always been attracted to Asian women and I have Filipina friends (all married) so I do know something of and like the Philippine culture. Maybe that was the reason I talked with her in the ship casino for several hours...?

American doesnt mean caucasian, you can marry an american and her not be caucasian. she was asking about nationality, not race.

Yeah, I thought it was interesting that the OP said she's not "ethnically American."

indeed

I find it interesting that more people have latched on to the "ethnically American" comment than caught the comment implying that American = white. I have run across this often; people making the statement that so and so looks "American". When asked to clarify that remark, what they mean is Caucasian. Much of the world has internalized this view, as well, extending it to the term "western". Westerners, Americans, are Caucasian by definition. Perhaps this is why that comment squeaked by, and mine did not? Perhaps it is even part of what distinquishes an American from an ethnic, since Americans do not truly perceive Americans as being ethnic, with the beckoning "melting pot" waiting to homogenize the masses. In contrast to this perception, ethnicity is a defined concept in social science, but how one integrates the concept into their own value system is how it is manifested in reality.

I am not ethnically American. I see it as a simple and self-explanatory comment. Maybe not, tho.

[Fandango 1,439]

the prude patrol?

It's the new label thrown around when summat you say strikes a nerve with someone Great dismissal tactic!

there is no spoon, there is no spoon, there is no spoon

Edited January 17, 2007 by LisaD

[Alex+R 0]

I'm a caucasian US citizen and my ex-wife is also caucasian. I wasn't looking for a white woman when we met, it just turned out that way. The woman I'm petitioning now (my wife, Lina) is a Filipina and we met by chance. I was on a cruise ship with friends and she was working on the ship. I never thought I'd meet my wife then and there but it happened and I couldn't be happier. I will say that I have always been attracted to Asian women and I have Filipina friends (all married) so I do know something of and like the Philippine culture. Maybe that was the reason I talked with her in the ship casino for several hours...?

American doesnt mean caucasian, you can marry an american and her not be caucasian. she was asking about nationality, not race.

Yeah, I thought it was interesting that the OP said she's not "ethnically American."

indeed

I find it interesting that more people have latched on to the "ethnically American" comment than caught the comment implying that American = white. I have run across this often; people making the statement that so and so looks "American". When asked to clarify that remark, what they mean is Caucasian. Much of the world has internalized this view, as well, extending it to the term "western". Westerners, Americans, are Caucasian by definition. Perhaps this is why that comment squeaked by, and mine did not? Perhaps it is even part of what distinquishes an American from an ethnic, since Americans do not truly perceive Americans as being ethnic, with the beckoning "melting pot" waiting to homogenize the masses. In contrast to this perception, ethnicity is a defined concept in social science, but how one integrates the concept into their own value system is how it is manifested in reality.

I am not ethnically American. I see it as a simple and self-explanatory comment. Maybe not, tho.

I think you're trying to justify your slip of the tongue or, uh, typing fingers.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I remembered something and it is probably more on track with the topic so I wanted to add it...

Shortly after my divorce in 2000 I met a coworker who is Thai. I helped her with her home computer a few times so we got to know each other as friends. One day at work she came in my office and closed the door. She confided in me about a problem with her on again/off again boyfriend. He cheated on her several times and one time hit her when he was drunk. She asked me what she should do. I advised her to leave him and I'll admit I was biased (I liked her) in that advice but I would've given the same advice to anyone in her situation. She knew I liked her and she liked me as well but she told me her father wouldn't let her date a non-Asian man (her boyfriend was also Thai) because he was very old fashioned. Not long after that our company went belly up, we all got laid off, and we lost touch. About a year later I learned that she was pregnant from the same boyfriend. They married not long after that. It was maybe 3-4 years ago that a mutual friend told me she was miserable. She was working full time + weekends and all of her money goes the family. He worked too but apparently has a gambling problem. My friend tried to convince her to take the child and leave him but he threatened to fight any custody. She didn't want to embarrass her family name with divorce either. Well, this is kinda long winded but my point is I don't think it's good idea to choose or not choose someone based on their race or nationality. Were it not for my friend's fathers bias she probably would've left her boyfriend, not gotten pregnant, and not gotten forced into a marriage as a result.

I thought this was a powerful story. And it caused me to wonder about something.

I was GONNA say that I believe European men to be more polite and generally more considerate of women than most American men. And that I would find it hard to ever go back to relationships with American males. Maybe I shouldn't state it that way though, or believe it with such conviction?

UNLESS, it's true what Steven said - that it's more cultural differences that we like which attract us?

I don't think it's just that my wonderful European husband is so gracious, good-hearted, patient and considerate of me. I've heard other women make the same comment about European-born men.

Oh well - I guess it's not good to generalize. Eye wide open should be the rule of the day!

Generally speaking, perhaps in this country, men and women alike have lost their sensibilities when it comes to lasting love? We certainly live in a disposible society and many failed relationships seem to be a consequence. I don't think it's that those qualities we wanted in our SO can't be found in Americans, but possibly that they are harder to come by? There's something to be said about the shift in American Values and having a lifelong marriage doesn't seem an ideal that many Americans hold on to.

I don't agree with that...I think we're always going into strange territory when we start speaking like 'the American is great for this' 'the Brit is good for that' as if they were dogs. There is not really any universal truth to be said for characteristics of nationalities, imo. Americans come from every part of the planet so to say that they are x,y, and z is unfair. This is the same trouble I have when ppl say that 'American women blah blah blah' it's just untrue.

I think the 'novelty' factor of having a foreign partner is something that shouldn't go unsaid. Take that fwiw.

I don't love D because he's British...in fact, I'd dare say I love him despite the fact that he's British. I would never ever ever go through any of this LDR ####### if it weren't for him...and we met by chance...not that either of us was seeking someone from a different nationality. I was initially enthralled with his accent, but now I don't even hear it anymore. I have embraced his culture and all our differences simply because I love him, therefore I want to better understand where he's lived and whatnot.

But again, to say that 'American Values' are pushing ppl to look elsewhere seems kind of odd. Sure, there may be people who don't fit your value system...but to categorically say that seems wrong. There are male USCs and female USCs on this site essentially saying the same thing, so I think that fact alone proves it not to be true

I'll be among the first to say that I agree with Steve. I haven't considered American men in any serious way because I perfer the Old World charms of Meditarranean men. I was married the first time for nearly 30 years and I don't want to be divorced; so far, so good. Unlike most, I didn't marry someone distinctly different from me, nor was marriage to a foreign mate a new thing. But, for me, the factor of "fadism" and fickleness in American culture was a tipping point. In my case, marrying an American would be marrying outside of my culture.

[almaty 19]

[ILIKEALLCAPS 0]

I'm a caucasian US citizen and my ex-wife is also caucasian. I wasn't looking for a white woman when we met, it just turned out that way. The woman I'm petitioning now (my wife, Lina) is a Filipina and we met by chance. I was on a cruise ship with friends and she was working on the ship. I never thought I'd meet my wife then and there but it happened and I couldn't be happier. I will say that I have always been attracted to Asian women and I have Filipina friends (all married) so I do know something of and like the Philippine culture. Maybe that was the reason I talked with her in the ship casino for several hours...?

American doesnt mean caucasian, you can marry an american and her not be caucasian. she was asking about nationality, not race.

Yeah, I thought it was interesting that the OP said she's not "ethnically American."

indeed

I find it interesting that more people have latched on to the "ethnically American" comment than caught the comment implying that American = white. I have run across this often; people making the statement that so and so looks "American". When asked to clarify that remark, what they mean is Caucasian. Much of the world has internalized this view, as well, extending it to the term "western". Westerners, Americans, are Caucasian by definition. Perhaps this is why that comment squeaked by, and mine did not? Perhaps it is even part of what distinquishes an American from an ethnic, since Americans do not truly perceive Americans as being ethnic, with the beckoning "melting pot" waiting to homogenize the masses. In contrast to this perception, ethnicity is a defined concept in social science, but how one integrates the concept into their own value system is how it is manifested in reality.

I am not ethnically American. I see it as a simple and self-explanatory comment. Maybe not, tho.

Funny....the quote you're quoting has him answering MORE specifically than you do. he's "caucasian American"....she's only "caucasian" and he doesn't specify what "ethnicity" (using your definition of ancestral nationality and cultural identity).....and you're complaining that people are still asking for clarification on your incredibly non-specific "ethnically American." Ethnicity as defined by one social science measure (US Census) is strictly: Caucasian, Black, Asian, Native American, Pacific Islander, and Other. Using that definition I don't see "American" listed. As you've yet to completely clarify (and no, your "Americans are perceived as having blah blah characteristics" isn't a definition)....his answer is more valid than your own.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I think you're trying to justify your slip of the tongue or, uh, typing fingers.

Since I have repeated it more than once, and hold to it, it is clearly not a slip nor a typo.

[Alex+R 0]

I think you're trying to justify your slip of the tongue or, uh, typing fingers.

Since I have repeated it more than once, and hold to it, it is clearly not a slip nor a typo.

I have never in my life heard "ethnically American." It doesn't make any sense. It's a phrase you created out of your own prejudice and feelings of victimhood of prejudice, IMO.