Preference for non-American mates

[deathbydalbhat 0]

When I met my DH I was NOT LOOKING for anything or anyone. I was taking a break from dating, ok from men in general! I adore his accent. How is skin contrasts mine. How he is oldfashioned in many ways. What can I say, no man can compare to him.

Wendy

You could have stolen the words from my mouth, except substitute 'fiance' for 'DH" - hopefully soon that will change

[Alex+R 0]

I am attracted to difference. Not totally different from me, but with some difference. Although my other longest relationship was with someone who grew up 5 minutes from where I did, I have also dated one other foreign guy when I was in his country (Ireland).

[Scott & Lai 12]

I'm still not sure what "ethnically American" means

Yes, I was wondering the same thing.

I was wondering what "ethnically whitebread" means

I'm not surprised at the question. Americans tend to think of everyone else as "ethnic" except for themselves.

I guess the question is what is meant by the word "ethnic." Is it culture? National origin? "Race" (whatever that means...)? The reason I don't think of "American" as an ethinicity is because Americans come from all over the world, the country really hasn't been around long enough for all its people to be thought of as a single distinct ethnic group. Are a group of fourth-generation Americans whose ancestries are, for example, French, German, English, Spanish, Mexican, Canadian, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Philipino, Nigerian, Russian and Greek all the same ethnicity?

[garya505 2]

I remembered something and it is probably more on track with the topic so I wanted to add it...

Shortly after my divorce in 2000 I met a coworker who is Thai. I helped her with her home computer a few times so we got to know each other as friends. One day at work she came in my office and closed the door. She confided in me about a problem with her on again/off again boyfriend. He cheated on her several times and one time hit her when he was drunk. She asked me what she should do. I advised her to leave him and I'll admit I was biased (I liked her) in that advice but I would've given the same advice to anyone in her situation. She knew I liked her and she liked me as well but she told me her father wouldn't let her date a non-Asian man (her boyfriend was also Thai) because he was very old fashioned. Not long after that our company went belly up, we all got laid off, and we lost touch. About a year later I learned that she was pregnant from the same boyfriend. They married not long after that. It was maybe 3-4 years ago that a mutual friend told me she was miserable. She was working full time + weekends and all of her money goes the family. He worked too but apparently has a gambling problem. My friend tried to convince her to take the child and leave him but he threatened to fight any custody. She didn't want to embarrass her family name with divorce either. Well, this is kinda long winded but my point is I don't think it's good idea to choose or not choose someone based on their race or nationality. Were it not for my friend's fathers bias she probably would've left her boyfriend, not gotten pregnant, and not gotten forced into a marriage as a result.

... then you would have married her and you wouldn't be with Lina!

[rebeccajo 14]

I'm still not sure what "ethnically American" means

Yes, I was wondering the same thing.

I was wondering what "ethnically whitebread" means

I'm not surprised at the question. Americans tend to think of everyone else as "ethnic" except for themselves.

That's because we are mutts!

Never mind. It dawned on me after my last post that I must have misread the question (and I did). Too late to edit previous.

I've been scratching my head over your last post.

Pssst. She's just trying to instigate stuff. It's better if we don't ask...

Abort instigation! Abort instigation!

NEVER!

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I'm still not sure what "ethnically American" means

Yes, I was wondering the same thing.

I was wondering what "ethnically whitebread" means

I'm not surprised at the question. Americans tend to think of everyone else as "ethnic" except for themselves.

I guess the question is what is meant by the word "ethnic." Is it culture? National origin? "Race" (whatever that means...)? The reason I don't think of "American" as an ethinicity is because Americans come from all over the world, the country really hasn't been around long enough for all its people to be thought of as a single distinct ethnic group. Are a group of fourth-generation Americans whose ancestries are, for example, French, German, English, Spanish, Mexican, Canadian, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Philipino, Nigerian, Russian and Greek all the same ethnicity?

Americans have a concept of acculturation and assimilation into the American mainstream, meaning that there is a given "mainstream" consisting of core attitudes, values, preferences, etc., that distinquish an American from a non-American. As such, those who have acculturated and assimilated are ethnically American. Not everyone one acculturates or assimilates or both. Thus, they are not completely or partially ethnically American.

Edited January 17, 2007 by Green-eyed girl

[SoL. 0]

I like to be with somebody that I can learn and share along with. Pieter and I love traveling and languages. He speaks various languages and so do I and we are always planning for new destinations and things to do.

I couldn't find anybody with those kind interests in here. It seems like a lot of them are afraid of leaving this country!

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

I was thinking the other day that this is my second marriage and, although I am American born (not ethnically American tho), I have never considered marrying an American man. Then, I looked around at my family and noticed a trend: few of them are married to Americans or have ever been. Folks in my family have/had Lebanese, Canadian, Palestinian (lots of them), Bolivian, Irish, Filipine, Indian, Moroccans (lots of them), Chilean, Israeli, Maltese, Mexican, Dutch, and South African spouses. I can credit myself for one Lebanese and one Moroccan. Perhaps we have a preference for non-Americans.

Do you?

My ex is a American Female.. I wanted to meet someone different So yes I went out of my way to meet a non-american, I didn't have problems finding american females to date...Just wasn't interested

[rebeccajo 14]

I remembered something and it is probably more on track with the topic so I wanted to add it...

Shortly after my divorce in 2000 I met a coworker who is Thai. I helped her with her home computer a few times so we got to know each other as friends. One day at work she came in my office and closed the door. She confided in me about a problem with her on again/off again boyfriend. He cheated on her several times and one time hit her when he was drunk. She asked me what she should do. I advised her to leave him and I'll admit I was biased (I liked her) in that advice but I would've given the same advice to anyone in her situation. She knew I liked her and she liked me as well but she told me her father wouldn't let her date a non-Asian man (her boyfriend was also Thai) because he was very old fashioned. Not long after that our company went belly up, we all got laid off, and we lost touch. About a year later I learned that she was pregnant from the same boyfriend. They married not long after that. It was maybe 3-4 years ago that a mutual friend told me she was miserable. She was working full time + weekends and all of her money goes the family. He worked too but apparently has a gambling problem. My friend tried to convince her to take the child and leave him but he threatened to fight any custody. She didn't want to embarrass her family name with divorce either. Well, this is kinda long winded but my point is I don't think it's good idea to choose or not choose someone based on their race or nationality. Were it not for my friend's fathers bias she probably would've left her boyfriend, not gotten pregnant, and not gotten forced into a marriage as a result.

I thought this was a powerful story. And it caused me to wonder about something.

I was GONNA say that I believe European men to be more polite and generally more considerate of women than most American men. And that I would find it hard to ever go back to relationships with American males. Maybe I shouldn't state it that way though, or believe it with such conviction?

UNLESS, it's true what Steven said - that it's more cultural differences that we like which attract us?

I don't think it's just that my wonderful European husband is so gracious, good-hearted, patient and considerate of me. I've heard other women make the same comment about European-born men.

Oh well - I guess it's not good to generalize. Eye wide open should be the rule of the day!

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Maybe the draw is an attraction to another culure.

[Caladan 19]

I'm still not sure what "ethnically American" means

Yes, I was wondering the same thing.

I was wondering what "ethnically whitebread" means

I'm not surprised at the question. Americans tend to think of everyone else as "ethnic" except for themselves.

No, I'm aware there's an American ethnicity (shared values, national identity, sense of purpose,etc), but given that I (mistakenly) thought that your family had been here for four generations, I was wondering if you meant something different (given that four generations is usually enough for ethnic groups to partially or wholly assimilate), like subscribing to (say) a midwestern (or Texan, or whatever) mindset or something more particular.

But your earlier response clarified.

[rebeccajo 14]

Maybe the draw is an attraction to another culure.

Maybe.

I bet though, most of the people petitioning for a foreign-born spouse never went specifically looking for one. But we like what we learn about the world after we meet them.

Might make an interesting poll....

[Alex+R 0]

Maybe the draw is an attraction to another culure.

I see a lot of VJers on here who fall in love with their fiances' countries and cultures way before they meet their fiances.

[Caladan 19]

I'm still not sure what "ethnically American" means

Yes, I was wondering the same thing.

I was wondering what "ethnically whitebread" means

I'm not surprised at the question. Americans tend to think of everyone else as "ethnic" except for themselves.

I guess the question is what is meant by the word "ethnic." Is it culture? National origin? "Race" (whatever that means...)? The reason I don't think of "American" as an ethinicity is because Americans come from all over the world, the country really hasn't been around long enough for all its people to be thought of as a single distinct ethnic group. Are a group of fourth-generation Americans whose ancestries are, for example, French, German, English, Spanish, Mexican, Canadian, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Philipino, Nigerian, Russian and Greek all the same ethnicity?

Ethnicity isn't necessarily synonymous with race or religion or skin color. Sometimes it's used that way, but it can also just mean a group of people with a common nation and shared set of values, customs, and traditions.

[featherB 1]

I don't think it's just that my wonderful European husband is so gracious, good-hearted, patient and considerate of me. I've heard other women make the same comment about European-born men.

Oh well - I guess it's not good to generalize. Eye wide open should be the rule of the day!

Interesting... because I'd say the exact same thing, except I'd substitute 'American' where you have 'European', and, after a conversation with a woman at work the other week, 'American-born' where you have 'European-born'. She was assuring me (apparently having had, um, some experience in the field) that I'm lucky to be with an American because they're so much more thoughtful, considerate, and generally appreciative of the women they're with than their UK counterparts! I'm not sure about that, as I only have the one American man to compare to the men I've been involved with before, so all I know is that he is perfect for me, where they weren't. Like you say, though, it's not good to generalise - just wanted to comment as my experience would be just what you've posted, in reverse!

Edited January 17, 2007 by featherB