Preference for non-American mates

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

Do you have to be a prude to gain a seat?

apparently

but if you eat prunes, odds are you won't sit anyways

[ILIKEALLCAPS 0]

The question at hand is "Preference for non-American mates, Is that why you're here?".

The location of my mother on the occasion of my birth isn't the primary factor for how I define myself; in fact, it is a very minute factor.

The perception that America is too young a country to have an ethnic identity is belied by the fact that Americans have little trouble perceiving and distinquishing ethnic characteristics of other "young countries" to its south or even to its north. It's just difficult to see it in your own group.

Ok, we're talking at cross purposes here. I am a Caucasian....where was I born, and does that make a difference in who I find as a mate? That's not the question. You brought up the "I'm not ethnically American." Was it intended to be a red herring? Or perhaps did you see it as adding information to why you made your decisions. What it ended up doing was distract from your question. Do you see that at all?

(And I could point out that your tendency to generalize what "Americans" perceive would stereotypically place you as an arrogant "American" in itself.....but I won't. I'll just ask you to open your own eyes as you're making your declarations. It's all about the "when you point a finger there's 4 more pointing back at you" right now.)

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I think you are operating on the premise that there is an imperative for us to have shared assumptions. It's obvious that we don't.

I used the term "not ethnically American" to define myself as an indication that my assumptions and perceptions would not necessarily be the same as an ethnic American's. No red herring involved, and since there is also no clairvoyance involved, how some would react to the statement was not at all calculated.

I have pointed no fingers. I am sure that Americans can and do perceive the ethnicity of others while finding it difficult to do so for themselves. The ability that Americans have to define and redefine others while demonstrating a constant inability to define themselves has always been fascinating to me! It is a manifestation of "American privilege".

Your insistance to define me primarily as American because of my birth, then attribute American arrogance to me, is a singular example that you attribute some even minor characteristic to being American that I do not. How you see me is not my responsibility. My father, too, was born on American soil. Six month later, he was gone from it and did not return for more than 20 years. He would also not be an ethnic American, and neither am I.

Edited January 17, 2007 by Green-eyed girl

[Alanlvsjudy 0]

Heh, I'm pretty sure my first wife was not even from this planet, so I cannot compare, you know the whole apples - extra terrestrials thing...

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Hi, Alan

[TracyTN 237]

I remember TracyTN once saying that her ovaries would fairly spit eggs whenever her fiance' spoke.

Despite evidence to the contrary (see above I didn't 'seek out' a British man. The fact he struck me funny on the message board and we had a 'connection' was for a million reasons, but him being British wasn't one of them. I have British friends and therefore understood a few of his references where others there did not. That was about the only way it came into the equation at all.

However, his sexy accent is totally a bonus.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Matako for moderator!

[mrc 0]

I used the term "not ethnically American" to define myself as an indication that my assumptions and perceptions would not necessarily be the same as an ethnic American's. No red herring involved, and since there is also no clairvoyance involved, how some would react to the statement was not at all calculated.

I have pointed no fingers. I am sure that Americans can and do perceive the ethnicity of others while finding it difficult to do so for themselves. The ability that Americans have to define and redefine others while demonstrating a constant inability to define themselves has always been fascinating to me! It is a manifestation of "American privilege".

I find your statement fascinating simply due to the fact that it's superbly contradictory. Americans make assumptions about other ethnicities and you are making assumptions about Americans. Good job!

The ability that Americans have to define and redefine others while demonstrating a constant inability to define themselves has always been fascinating to me! It is a manifestation of "American privilege".

You have defined Americans! Fascinating!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I remembered something and it is probably more on track with the topic so I wanted to add it...

Shortly after my divorce in 2000 I met a coworker who is Thai. I helped her with her home computer a few times so we got to know each other as friends. One day at work she came in my office and closed the door. She confided in me about a problem with her on again/off again boyfriend. He cheated on her several times and one time hit her when he was drunk. She asked me what she should do. I advised her to leave him and I'll admit I was biased (I liked her) in that advice but I would've given the same advice to anyone in her situation. She knew I liked her and she liked me as well but she told me her father wouldn't let her date a non-Asian man (her boyfriend was also Thai) because he was very old fashioned. Not long after that our company went belly up, we all got laid off, and we lost touch. About a year later I learned that she was pregnant from the same boyfriend. They married not long after that. It was maybe 3-4 years ago that a mutual friend told me she was miserable. She was working full time + weekends and all of her money goes the family. He worked too but apparently has a gambling problem. My friend tried to convince her to take the child and leave him but he threatened to fight any custody. She didn't want to embarrass her family name with divorce either. Well, this is kinda long winded but my point is I don't think it's good idea to choose or not choose someone based on their race or nationality. Were it not for my friend's fathers bias she probably would've left her boyfriend, not gotten pregnant, and not gotten forced into a marriage as a result.

I thought this was a powerful story. And it caused me to wonder about something.

I was GONNA say that I believe European men to be more polite and generally more considerate of women than most American men. And that I would find it hard to ever go back to relationships with American males. Maybe I shouldn't state it that way though, or believe it with such conviction?

UNLESS, it's true what Steven said - that it's more cultural differences that we like which attract us?

I don't think it's just that my wonderful European husband is so gracious, good-hearted, patient and considerate of me. I've heard other women make the same comment about European-born men.

Oh well - I guess it's not good to generalize. Eye wide open should be the rule of the day!

Generally speaking, perhaps in this country, men and women alike have lost their sensibilities when it comes to lasting love? We certainly live in a disposible society and many failed relationships seem to be a consequence. I don't think it's that those qualities we wanted in our SO can't be found in Americans, but possibly that they are harder to come by? There's something to be said about the shift in American Values and having a lifelong marriage doesn't seem an ideal that many Americans hold on to.

I don't agree with that...I think we're always going into strange territory when we start speaking like 'the American is great for this' 'the Brit is good for that' as if they were dogs. There is not really any universal truth to be said for characteristics of nationalities, imo. Americans come from every part of the planet so to say that they are x,y, and z is unfair. This is the same trouble I have when ppl say that 'American women blah blah blah' it's just untrue.

I think the 'novelty' factor of having a foreign partner is something that shouldn't go unsaid. Take that fwiw.

I don't love D because he's British...in fact, I'd dare say I love him despite the fact that he's British. I would never ever ever go through any of this LDR ####### if it weren't for him...and we met by chance...not that either of us was seeking someone from a different nationality. I was initially enthralled with his accent, but now I don't even hear it anymore. I have embraced his culture and all our differences simply because I love him, therefore I want to better understand where he's lived and whatnot.

But again, to say that 'American Values' are pushing ppl to look elsewhere seems kind of odd. Sure, there may be people who don't fit your value system...but to categorically say that seems wrong. There are male USCs and female USCs on this site essentially saying the same thing, so I think that fact alone proves it not to be true

Good points well taken, but I'm speaking in generalities which I think is appropriate when talking about certain attitudes and values. For example, if the divorce rate is consistently higher in America than other countries, there has to be some underlying factors present here that aren't elsewhere.

[mrc 0]

I remembered something and it is probably more on track with the topic so I wanted to add it...

Shortly after my divorce in 2000 I met a coworker who is Thai. I helped her with her home computer a few times so we got to know each other as friends. One day at work she came in my office and closed the door. She confided in me about a problem with her on again/off again boyfriend. He cheated on her several times and one time hit her when he was drunk. She asked me what she should do. I advised her to leave him and I'll admit I was biased (I liked her) in that advice but I would've given the same advice to anyone in her situation. She knew I liked her and she liked me as well but she told me her father wouldn't let her date a non-Asian man (her boyfriend was also Thai) because he was very old fashioned. Not long after that our company went belly up, we all got laid off, and we lost touch. About a year later I learned that she was pregnant from the same boyfriend. They married not long after that. It was maybe 3-4 years ago that a mutual friend told me she was miserable. She was working full time + weekends and all of her money goes the family. He worked too but apparently has a gambling problem. My friend tried to convince her to take the child and leave him but he threatened to fight any custody. She didn't want to embarrass her family name with divorce either. Well, this is kinda long winded but my point is I don't think it's good idea to choose or not choose someone based on their race or nationality. Were it not for my friend's fathers bias she probably would've left her boyfriend, not gotten pregnant, and not gotten forced into a marriage as a result.

I thought this was a powerful story. And it caused me to wonder about something.

I was GONNA say that I believe European men to be more polite and generally more considerate of women than most American men. And that I would find it hard to ever go back to relationships with American males. Maybe I shouldn't state it that way though, or believe it with such conviction?

UNLESS, it's true what Steven said - that it's more cultural differences that we like which attract us?

I don't think it's just that my wonderful European husband is so gracious, good-hearted, patient and considerate of me. I've heard other women make the same comment about European-born men.

Oh well - I guess it's not good to generalize. Eye wide open should be the rule of the day!

Generally speaking, perhaps in this country, men and women alike have lost their sensibilities when it comes to lasting love? We certainly live in a disposible society and many failed relationships seem to be a consequence. I don't think it's that those qualities we wanted in our SO can't be found in Americans, but possibly that they are harder to come by? There's something to be said about the shift in American Values and having a lifelong marriage doesn't seem an ideal that many Americans hold on to.

I don't agree with that...I think we're always going into strange territory when we start speaking like 'the American is great for this' 'the Brit is good for that' as if they were dogs. There is not really any universal truth to be said for characteristics of nationalities, imo. Americans come from every part of the planet so to say that they are x,y, and z is unfair. This is the same trouble I have when ppl say that 'American women blah blah blah' it's just untrue.

I think the 'novelty' factor of having a foreign partner is something that shouldn't go unsaid. Take that fwiw.

I don't love D because he's British...in fact, I'd dare say I love him despite the fact that he's British. I would never ever ever go through any of this LDR ####### if it weren't for him...and we met by chance...not that either of us was seeking someone from a different nationality. I was initially enthralled with his accent, but now I don't even hear it anymore. I have embraced his culture and all our differences simply because I love him, therefore I want to better understand where he's lived and whatnot.

But again, to say that 'American Values' are pushing ppl to look elsewhere seems kind of odd. Sure, there may be people who don't fit your value system...but to categorically say that seems wrong. There are male USCs and female USCs on this site essentially saying the same thing, so I think that fact alone proves it not to be true

Good points well taken, but I'm speaking in generalities which I think is appropriate when talking about certain attitudes and values. For example, if the divorce rate is consistently higher in America than other countries, there has to be some underlying factors present here that aren't elsewhere.

At the same time, numbers state that divorce rates in the U.S. continue to drop and have so since the late 70's.

Per capita divorce rates 1990-2002:

1991, 0.47%

1992, 0.48%

1993, 0.46%

1994, 0.46%

1995, 0.46%

1995, 0.43%

1997, 0.43%,

1998, 0.42%,

1999, 0.41%,

2000, 0.41%,

2001, 0.40%,

2002, 0.38%

The gap between U.S. divorce rates and those of some European countries are fairly close.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

That's because in Europe and in America, fewer people are getting married as opposed to shacking up, and they are marrying older.

I will let you guys define Americans and what they like since I'm not ethnically American anyway. Like I said, American privilege requires that no one else can possibly do as good a job!

[CarolineM 0]

I am surprised at who I married. My whole life I've dated the more "Ethnic" men. I have always dated dark skinned, foreign born (or just foreign backgrounds..) I have always been drawn to that look - ESPECIALLY middle eastern men. I dated a guy who'se family was Lebanese and I just thought he was the hottest man I've ever seen. Give me a guy like that over a BRad Pitt any day.

That said.

I married my skinny, whiter than white sweet sweet husband. It's funny how things work out. I met him, and just fell in love with him...you can't help it, you know?

[Fandango 1,439]

Good points well taken, but I'm speaking in generalities which I think is appropriate when talking about certain attitudes and values. For example, if the divorce rate is consistently higher in America than other countries, there has to be some underlying factors present here that aren't elsewhere.

Well you can't really compare a country that is more evolved (or whatever you wanna call it) to one that isn't. There are many countries where women do not have the freedoms they do here.

For example, any country steeped heavily in religion will most probably have a lower divorce rate. Does that mean all the marriages are successful ones? No, I don't think it does. It's kinda hard to say for sure what keeps a couple together, but I wouldn't neccessarily blanketly say 'values'.

Edited January 17, 2007 by LisaD

[mrc 0]

That's because in Europe and in America, fewer people are getting married as opposed to shacking up, and they are marrying older.

I will let you guys define Americans and what they like since I'm not ethnically American anyway. Like I said, American privilege requires that no one else can possibly do as good a job!

Someone is stereotyping and a little defensive. As an American, I'm very caring...we all are. That's one of our characteristics...so, if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here!

[peezey 0]

Good points well taken, but I'm speaking in generalities which I think is appropriate when talking about certain attitudes and values. For example, if the divorce rate is consistently higher in America than other countries, there has to be some underlying factors present here that aren't elsewhere.

Not as many people get married in other countries (eg, France, England, Germany), therefore less divorce.