Fall outs and arguments

[QueenComley 295]

Im feeling fed up and low today fellow VJ friends.

When I was previously married in the UK or had dated in the UK, arguments or fall outs with my previous partner never seemed very serious and didn't affect me too much. But now I live in America, if me and my husband have a fall out it feels like the end of the world, its almost heart breaking.

I guess its because I am unable to meet up with my best friend for a glass of wine and a girlie gossip (My best friend lived in England and passed away last year). I don't have my sister just a few streets away to have a cup of tea and a good old moan too. I don't have my mother to tell me everything will be ok. I guess when me and my husband have crossed words I feel a little lonely and isolated. Its actually the hardest thing im finding to adjust to.

I suffer severe anxiety which has a lot to do with it. But also losing my best friend, the person who I told everything to someone who always had the ability to make things seem so much better and could always make me smile again makes it difficult. If only heaven had a phone... I would like to call her, have a cry, listen to her soothing words and feel better again.

Arguments and crossed words, fall outs and disagreements are all part of marriage, I understand that. Its only an occasional feature and we are very much in love. I just don't seem to cope well with fall outs in general, maybe its because I don't have the massive support network I did in the UK. Im still building up new friendships, finding my feet here etc...

How do you guys cope when the going gets tough??

[Jacque67 7,328]

Several bottles of wine and a night in an hotel?

[QueenComley 295]

Several bottles of wine and a night in an hotel?

I should have thought of that sooner LOL!!! thank you, your reply made me smile.

[Caryh 5,206]

I should have thought of that sooner LOL!!! thank you, your reply made me smile.

And get on the phone to a friend or family member back home. Better yet a skype call and drink some wine with them.

[TBoneTX 45,001]

Repeat this to yourself: "If a man says something in a forest and no one is around to hear it, is he still wrong?"

[Darnell 8,478]

i suggest you find the brit expats in your area

via

meetup.com

then make some new friends in your locale. sure - it's not the same as back home - but it's not the same for the other folk you'll meet, either [so you instantly have something in common and can start a righteous b-fest right there]

[Novembro 1,763]

Several bottles of wine

This mostly.

Also I am a puss and hate confrontation, so I usually roll over within an hour. We never really fight about serious things.

Sorry to hear about your friend, though. That's rough. Hugs.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

I can give lots of advice about how to fight ineffectively and unconstructively in the realm of an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship. I'm kind of a past master on that from experience in prior unhealthy relationships.

More seriously, Mr U (the dude in the unicorn mask in my avatar) and I rarely have big blowouts. In three years together, we've had exactly three, and we got over them pretty quickly. Partly this is because we're very compatible people, but mostly because we talk frequently about little issues before they become big ones. Think of it as gardening -- if you pull out the weeds as they pop up, it makes for less work in the long run and less potential damage to the flowers.

I also make boundaries and stick to them. I don't roll over and accept things I don't like (mostly his tendency to procrastinate and be indecisive), and he knows I will call him out on it. Likewise he calls me out on my BS. But we don't do this in a confrontational manner, we say, "Hey, you know that thing you do that irritates me? You're doing it." It makes us accountable for our behaviour to each other.

When I was a new bride living in a strange country in Ye Olde Pre-Internet-Ubiquitousness Days, I felt lonely and disconnected a lot. I had few friends of my own. I also suffered from crippling panic disorder, so I get how you feel in some small way. You need to be working on that aspect right now if you're not already -- if the move has de-stabilised your progress, you should probably look into another course of therapy as a "tune up." I've done it when I needed it and it pulls me back together and on the right course. Anxiety disorders are the pits! But it doesn't need to define you.

Also, wine. Lashings and lashings of it.

Edited June 10, 2014 by the maven

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Lots of make up sex? It's the best kind!

I'm sorry to hear about your friend The Maven gives excellent advice, I would definitely try and get out there and make local friends so you have a support network, it sounds like you are already working on this. Wine is also a great help as everyone else has said!

[QueenComley 295]

Thank you everyone for such lovely wine and sex related answers. I may try this tonight LOL

I have made some great friends since I moved here and a girlfriend treated me to lunch today which was nice. I guess I was just having a moment this morning. I have just started applying for my first job here and have had 3 interviews so far this week, so a full-time job will most certainly keep my mind more busy and focused on other things.

You guys are the best

[Novembro 1,763]

Fingers crossed for good news on the job front!

[NikLR 13,227]

Stress sucks. Hubs and I are stressing because we're house shopping, which he doesn't enjoy in the slightest.

I agree just talk to your spouse, give each other some space to calm down, then have some together time. If need be, call your family back home.

[QueenComley 295]

Fingers crossed for good news on the job front!

Thank you

Stress sucks. Hubs and I are stressing because we're house shopping, which he doesn't enjoy in the slightest.

I agree just talk to your spouse, give each other some space to calm down, then have some together time. If need be, call your family back home.

Thank you NLR... we are going through the same too, so that might be where some of the added stress is coming from. We are hoping to move end of August.

[Pooky 3,761]

One golden rule is that you should never go to sleep with a disagreement unresolved.

It pays to be a good listener, too. Sometimes, disagreements seem to endure because both people involved are too busy talking, that they forget to listen. It may seem like such a simple thing, but you might be surprised what you discover, when you just listen to what the other person is saying.

The other side of that particular coin is that you must be prepared to speak straight to each other, no matter the subject. No couching your words in niceties, no BS and stick to the truth (it's less to remember, anyway )

Last, but definitely not least, find chocolate. Not American carp, but authentic Cadbury's Dairy Milk. And lots of it.

Edited June 11, 2014 by Pooky

[QueenComley 295]

Fingers crossed for good news on the job front!

I got the Job!!!!

Full time receptionist @ an animal clinic!!! (also some hands on help with animals when needed)

Im ecstatic