Serious problems with wife. Possible divorce. Please help.

[J66 0]

Hello to everyone. Hope everyone's fine.

I opened a new topic in a different section of the forum. Not sure if that section was the right one, or if it's here.

It's regarding a possible (almost for sure) divorce with my US citizen wife.

Before I give details on what's been going on for the past 3 years, I'd like to know if this the correct section to ask for advice.

Please, need some advice.

Thank you very much.

[apple21 953]

The moderators can move your topic to the applicable forum.

Post your concerns so you can get advices.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

This is the correct forum in which to post your question. The duplicate thread in the other forum that was not the correct location has been removed. It had no answers posted so you will get all of your answers in this thread here.

[Ontarkie 14,228]

~~Duplicate thread removed~~

~~Thread moved to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits, from General Immigration - As other similar topics are discussed here~~

[J66 0]

Thank you very much apple21 and Kathryn41.

Ok, so... Here's my story in a few words.

I came to the US late 2005. Came with a tourist visa. I flew in. Didn't do anything wrong until I made the choice of staying.

My US visa expired this year.

While working for a friend of mine met my wife. She's 42 years old and I am 31.

Like all marriages (I believe), everything started perfect. Things in common. We both made each other laugh... Everything was perfect.

The first few months (8-9 months maybe) we went out a lot... Dinners, places... lots of fun things.

It involved well above average drinking on both of us.

After this 8-9 months period of time, every time we went out it was a little sad because when she was drunk she started crating about her dad, which passed away a few years now, maybe 7 years??? Not sure how long ago.

At beginning I was supportive of her in this matter.

After months of the same thing over and over again (drinking and crating) things started to turn into the violent way/path.

It was no longer only crying.

Then going out with her became... Scary? Not from the point of view that she would physically do something to me

But from a point of view of having to have to put up with crying and seeing her loading control over alcohol and emotions while drunk.

It became annoying. I stopped going out with her that much and when I did I had less, way less to drink, so I could "sort of" take care of her.

We were still dating/girlfriend and boyfriend at the time. I was already living with her. I moved in.

Problems began when I tough it was getting out hand/control.

Lies began to form part of the relation ship... On her side of course.

Friends visiting out of town, over time at work, this and that...

Things were already going down te wrong way.. Many times I saw this and would leave her/te house for days, weeks and yes, a couple or times for at least a couple of months.

Promises of her not drinking ever again would convince me to give the relationship another chance.

A couple weeks would go by and the same thing again.

I don't know how we both managed to stay together... I mean, we really had hopes in each other, we love each other and we had a blast every single time we were not drinking. It was real. I thought "this is what I want! I love her, I believe I can, little by little, show her that alcohol it's not completely necessary in our lives, and we'll go through this together"...

With our ups and downs... We stated together, supporting each other in different ways, but alcohol was always present.

She always told me that one thing she didn't like about me is that I was too angry...! But how am I not gonna be angry at lies she would told me to go out drinking? All those nights she wouldn't come home? She wouldn't answer the phone? Lots of times seeing her having a really hard time even standing straight or walking AFTER DRIVING???

Imagine that? I mean, besides anger I was feeling a while lot more than just anger.

I'm not gonna get into details of the time she left me in Idaho and I had to find my way bak to Los Angeles on my own..

All because of what? Alcohol.

12 months after the "Idaho incident"... After a lot and more of what I already wrote above...

July 16, 2011 we got married. After 2 years of hoping that she would stop one day, we did it.

It was an incredibly, amazing wedding. On a boat, new port beach... It was something!

(Besides the fact, of course, that after the wedding, a the reception she cursed and yelled at my cousing cus he didn't give me the day off for 4th. of July...)

Things went on 75% good, meaning not too much alcohol, for a couple of months.

I thought I had made it!

Now, you know, married, with plans on moving back to the other house she has, bigger and nicer house she has, working both hard towards a better future... Then the alcohol problem was goin to stop...

I wish this was the end of the story.

Not coming home sleep again, supposedly staying at moms, then at friends, at relatives..

I left her or left te house for another good 3 months or so because of it.

In that period of time the phone calls a day where of at least 20 times.

They went from a "I miss you" to "pay me what I paid for the wedding".

I mean, she paid for everything. My economic situation has never been as good as hers. And she knew this, and she was ok with it.

We both wanted to get married, it wasn't just me or her, but I had to pay her back for the whole thing.

Just to keep her from bugging me so much I started giving her weekly a certain amount.

Besides, when we moved in to new house I was giving her $300 a week... Plus I had to buy food. Which honestly I gladly did it because you know why? It was a marriage. We are/were both helping each other out.

Of course she would always had some "extra $" set aside for alcohol, even though I was being left with $20, $40 or $50 a week to buy whatever I wanted.

Every single week I gave her $.

While I was away I got injured doing mountain bike. Since we still had some kind of communication, I asked her for help. I needed a doctor. She helped me out... And since I was working 3 miles away from her house an the doctor said "get as much rest as you can" I ended up staying again.

Same has been happening since my accident doing mountain bike...

She comes home drunk to wake me up, to push me, she now calls me "f ilegal, f guatemalan, unsuccessful person, get the f out of my house you f a...le"

Whenever she gets drunk or mad (talking about anger).

She has thrown my personal things out the street. I have slept at motels and hotels because of it.

It's literally a nightmare when u don't know when/If your spouse will show up drunk.

Fast forward at least a year until today... And same kind of things happening.

It's been a little bit more than a month since I've been staying at my brothers.

I decided to leave after being hit in the face by her.

Once while drunk and the other one while being sober.

Both times I felt like... I can't even express how I felt... I just know that if I would've responded in a physical way back to her... Something very bad would've happened.

I think I smoked like half pack of cigarettes trying to calm down inside the garage.

Good thing the renter (a guy that rents a room at the house) came down stairs and kind talked to me.

Once respect is gone, is gone. And of course, respect for each other was lost long time ago, but physically never.

She now calls me to threat me that she'll file for divorce, that she will sell a pick up truck of mine that's in the garage at her house.

She now was counseling, she wants me back and promises everything will change... Mmhhmm

We never filed paperwork to get my citizenship. Even though we have EVERYTHING neede to file, there's always an excuse from her why not do it.

July this year it'd be 3 years since we got married.

I just don't know what to do?

I'm afraid. I'm afraid ill get deported if I go somewhere or something like that.

What if she tells "someone" where I am?

I mean, this are only questions that go through my head since I don't know what to do.

Would anyone please give some advice?

Thank you very much.

[Fan_Dancer 171]

I am confused, do you have a green card?

[belinda63 3,038]

You have two choices.

1. Continue to remain in the US illegally

2. Leave the US.

[apple21 953]

You have two choices.

1. Continue to remain in the US illegally

2. Leave the US.

My guess too.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

Well if she calls immigration they might come to get you or might not...You are dealing with an alcoholic, then be prepared for everything. We are our choices, and unfortunately you got married to an alcoholic.

Alcoholism does not stop just because someone wants, it stops attending AA meetings,doing therapy.If you decide to reconcile take some steps first such as telling her to seek treatment for her alcohol addiction,take your time to see if she is changing with the treatment. Legally speaking you are here without status, and in your case there is no path to legalization for illegal immigrant. Considering what you said, I don't see any abuse here against you.There are differences and problems, but not abuse, then before someone starts singing the "vawa song" , let's eliminate this possibility here.Good luck.

Edited June 3, 2014 by sandranj

[J66 0]

@ fan_ Dancer: no, I don't have a Green Card.

@ Belinda63 and apple21: thanks.

@ sandranj: thank you for your advice.

No, I'm not planning on going back to her. It'd be like "asking to get treated" the way I did.

Obviously every situation is different.

I believe abuse against women or men it's still abuse.

Again, thanks everyone for your opinion.

[Messybrownhair 251]

Just because you are married 3 years doesn't mean you can apply for a citizenship. You also need to be a legal permanent resident for that period. You never filed adjustment of status so you don't have a GC.. and now that things are going sour, adjustment of status will do you no good.. Like others said, you have two choices as stated above. PS. your tourist visa ended when you overstayed past 6 months, a 10-year tourist visa doesn't mean you can stay ten years in the country

[Abby&Mario 100]

This sounds like the typical abusive situation that we see on Visa Journey all too much. The American spouse is not only abusive, but also somehow always has an excuse for never filing the proper papers, so the foreign spouse can't get a green card and therefore can't have much independence or a real life.

Unfortunately, you chose to overstay and then married an abusive woman who is also a raging alcoholic. I am inclined to agree with others who say that your options are to remain illegal or leave the country. Whatever you do, don't go back to her. Best of luck.

[Abby&Mario 100]

Well if she calls immigration they might come to get you or might not...You are dealing with an alcoholic, then be prepared for everything. We are our choices, and unfortunately you got married to an alcoholic.

Alcoholism does not stop just because someone wants, it stops attending AA meetings,doing therapy.If you decide to reconcile take some steps first such as telling her to seek treatment for her alcohol addiction,take your time to see if she is changing with the treatment. Legally speaking you are here without status, and in your case there is no path to legalization for illegal immigrant. Considering what you said, I don't see any abuse here against you.There are differences and problems, but not abuse, then before someone starts singing the "vawa song" , let's eliminate this possibility here.Good luck.

Did you miss the part where she hit him in the face twice? I don't know much about VAWA, so I have no idea if he'd be eligible or not based on his situation, considering that he never actually started any immigration process.

[Jawaree 717]

Dude if U ever get back with her, tell her to live together she has to do AA first

Get her in therapy she has past issues re: men =her dad

She had the money she kept U & thought she could mold, own & abuse U

My Mama always tell us boys never move into a woman's place..big mistake

IF U love her get her help, if U R leaving expect her wrath especially when she drinks & thinks

U too should do the AA with her U mention drinking yourself

Your choice really is to make up get her professional help then AOS

Go home

Live here illegally and divorce her which she may have U picked up

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED she will think how dare U divorce her.

Good luck bro

*PS did U report the face beating for VAWA rock solid proof will be needed especially abuse from

female to male....verbal abuse maybe taped abuse would help

Edited June 4, 2014 by Jawaree

[Marco&Bettina 502]

Really just a sad story OP. Are you saying she wants counseling or already has been going? Because she definitely needs help. Whether or not you're a part of her life is completely up to you.