Greeting each other (split topic)

[Jacque67 7,328]

There a lot more problems out there. Focus

[kehills 217]

The thing is, you want the person to know they've been rebuffed. Otherwise it's just going to keep happening. It's about drawing a boundary and making sure they know not to cross it. "I don't hug anyone who isn't family." "I'm sorry, John, I've already told you I don't hug people I'm not related to." And so on. Your boundary is you don't want to hug people you don't know well, aren't related to, or are not comfortable with. You make that clear, and then if someone violates your boundaries, it is their fault, not yours, and you are well within your right to get loud, angry, offended, or whatever else is an appropriate reaction to you.

I'm not really sure "oh bless your heart" is a good example, only because in the South, everyone knows exactly what that means. There's nothing polite about it, it just seems that way to people who weren't raised Southern! (And how would a Southern deflect a hug? Well, I'm only half Southerner, but I've told you what I'd do. My mother was much more direct, though, and would just straight up embarrass the person into going away, asking things like "Why John, are you getting fresh with me?" or saying "Now John, you know I'm a married woman and I don't do that.")

Jacque67: consent on being touched is an extremely important topic, especially for people who were not raised in the culture they live in and are not aware of inappropriate behaviour or potential danger signs from someone who isn't going to respect them. Immigrants from certain areas of the world are at higher risk of assault for this very reason.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Tell them you have leprosy and you got it from physical contact?

[Novembro 1,763]

Mention that you were recently bitten by a slow-walking, decrepit human.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Good points, kehills

But see, your mom got a way to embarrass someone while sort of joking. Fancy.

And your last paragraph about consent to touch is spot on. Sometimes I think about starting an "ask an American" thread for new immigrants on this site. Sometimes, I see their USC spouses not helping them too much, or being unsure themselves, and giving the immigrants some strange advice. Regional differences are important too, and I think it's pretty rich of Mr. Hugger to declare that Americans everywhere hug and that all must comply!

Edited June 3, 2014 by Harpa Timsah

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Jacque67: consent on being touched is an extremely important topic, especially for people who were not raised in the culture they live in and are not aware of inappropriate behaviour or potential danger signs from someone who isn't going to respect them. Immigrants from certain areas of the world are at higher risk of assault for this very reason.

Indeed. My country is more secular compare to Malaysia or Brunei for example. We allowed Muslims women compete in beauty pageant - in Malaysia they won't allow it-. We don't killed people because they changed their religions for any reasons though our country is the most populous Muslim country in the world. But, I was raised in cultures that kissing and hugging only for husband/wife. My concept is still same and wonder if I would ever changing of the guard.

Mention that you were recently bitten by a slow-walking, decrepit human.

LOL. It probably worked good!

Edited June 3, 2014 by Girl from Celebes

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Indeed. My country is more secular compare to Malaysia or Brunei for example. We allowed Muslims women compete in beauty pageant - in Malaysia they won't allow it-. We don't killed people because they changed their religions for any reasons though our country is the most populous Muslim country in the world. But, I was raised in cultures that kissing and hugging only for husband/wife. My concept is still same and wonder if I would ever changing of the guard.

I totally get where you are coming from on this Celebes. But, I think that the reason why is not so important and that relying on an explanation of cultural differences is not required and would also backfire. The fact is you don't want to hug him, and it doesn't matter why. You don't owe him an explanation. Get what I am saying?

It's like if you say "well in my country..." he can reply, "well in America, we do this!" The whole comparison or explanation is to be avoided, I think.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Good points, kehills

But see, your mom got a way to embarrass someone while sort of joking. Fancy.

And your last paragraph about consent to touch is spot on. Sometimes I think about starting an "ask an American" thread for new immigrants on this site. Sometimes, I see their USC spouses not helping them too much, or being unsure themselves, and giving the immigrants some strange advice. Regional differences are important too, and I think it's pretty rich of Mr. Hugger to declare that Americans everywhere hug and that all must comply!

It should be very obvious from body languages when people don't want other people do something to them. His wife was there and hugs everyone including my husband! .

[Girl from Celebes 588]

I totally get where you are coming from on this Celebes. But, I think that the reason why is not so important and that relying on an explanation of cultural differences is not required and would also backfire. The fact is you don't want to hug him, and it doesn't matter why. You don't owe him an explanation. Get what I am saying?

It's like if you say "well in my country..." he can reply, "well in America, we do this!" The whole comparison or explanation is to be avoided, I think.

I don't want seem rude and give them bad impression that I wasn't friendly person. I am just came here, a new immigrant, and they knew that. And also don't want they have thought and dislike my husband because of me and saying, " wow she just came here and already act like a queen".

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I don't want seem rude and give them bad impression that I wasn't friendly person. I am just came here, a new immigrant, and they knew that. And also don't want they have thought and dislike my husband because of me and saying, " wow she just came here and already act like a queen".

They said that?

About friendly, I think the trick is to say no and then smile? Or say no and change the subject to smooth it over? Something like that.

[Abby&Mario 100]

I am assuming you weren't meeting your husband's military friend for the first time? Because a first-time meeting almost always calls for a handshake, regardless of the gender of the parties involved, and I am almost certain that wouldn't vary regionally. Exceptions: My mom hugged my husband the first time she met him because she was so excited, but that's a different circumstance and a different relationship. My Dad shook his hand. I would find it strange if anyone other than a relative hugged him, and actually I think my Mom is the only one. This will vary due to the American family's cultural background. But back to your situation.

I am not sure if this guy was being pervy or friendly. But if you're not comfortable with hugging, just make sure you keep a big, friendly smile on your face the next time you see him. Say, "Hi, so good to see you again!" with enthusiasm as you stick out your hand. Stick it out before he moves in. If he's even a little perceptive, he'll get the nonverbal cue. If he's dense, he might try to hug you. In that case, I'd recommend something like what kehills said above: "Now [name], I'm glad to see you again but I'm a married woman!" Laugh and pull away, and say something else (anything--still smiling, still friendly) to move past the greeting stage. It takes some skill to pull this off, but he should get it after that. If not, he's just really dense and possibly a perv, so just have your husband tell him privately it makes you uncomfortable and blame it on cultural differences, even if that's a lie. There's no reason you should be required to hug people, and he should have no reason to be offended.

-A southerner

[Girl from Celebes 588]

They said that?

About friendly, I think the trick is to say no and then smile? Or say no and change the subject to smooth it over? Something like that.

Not actually. But I heard from another people in the party talking about some girl they knew from another country. I did not know what they were talking about, only heard some part of it. One of them said this, " oh man, she just came here, don't know how to blend with people, don't talk very often, and act like she's higher than everybody else".

I think I will try the trick, " no and smile" and see if it works and not offended others. Thank you so much!

[kehills 217]

It should be very obvious from body languages when people don't want other people do something to them. His wife was there and hugs everyone including my husband! .

I don't want seem rude and give them bad impression that I wasn't friendly person. I am just came here, a new immigrant, and they knew that. And also don't want they have thought and dislike my husband because of me and saying, " wow she just came here and already act like a queen".

It should be obvious, but that's asking an awful lot, unfortunately. Lots of Americans don't give a thought to there being experiences outside their own; either they're ignorant, or purposefully offensive, or just over-eager puppies.

But worrying about being rude is how a LOT of men in America will try to take advantage of you. So after you've said no, to whatever it is you don't want, you are not being rude if they continue to do what you don't want. They are being rude by ignoring what you have said.

Now, re: the man's wife hugging your husband - it is more socially acceptable here for women to hug their male friends, regardless of the region of America. That's got more to do with notions of who should initiate contact than anything else. In that case, it's a conversation you need to have with your husband, not the woman doing the hugging. He probably doesn't see the problem, because that is normal. If it bothers you, see if you can come to an agreement you both like. That said, you can't make him not hug female friends - just like he can't make you hug male friends.

Good points, kehills

But see, your mom got a way to embarrass someone while sort of joking. Fancy.

And your last paragraph about consent to touch is spot on. Sometimes I think about starting an "ask an American" thread for new immigrants on this site. Sometimes, I see their USC spouses not helping them too much, or being unsure themselves, and giving the immigrants some strange advice. Regional differences are important too, and I think it's pretty rich of Mr. Hugger to declare that Americans everywhere hug and that all must comply!

Mom was always very good at playing the straight woman and just going with the most outrageously over-the-top interpretation in order to get people to leave her alone without being able to say she was anything but gracious and friendly.

(My area of research dovetails with notions of consent, so in other areas of the internet, it's not uncommon to see me GRR ARGH FEMINISMing all over the place. I think "Ask an American" is probably a great idea, though... well, except for the fact that Americans can't be bothered to have a single overriding consensus on just about anything, so it might be more confusing than helpful!)

[Girl from Celebes 588]

I am assuming you weren't meeting your husband's military friend for the first time? Because a first-time meeting almost always calls for a handshake, regardless of the gender of the parties involved, and I am almost certain that wouldn't vary regionally. Exceptions: My mom hugged my husband the first time she met him because she was so excited, but that's a different circumstance and a different relationship. My Dad shook his hand. I would find it strange if anyone other than a relative hugged him, and actually I think my Mom is the only one. This will vary due to the American family's cultural background. But back to your situation.

I am not sure if this guy was being pervy or friendly. But if you're not comfortable with hugging, just make sure you keep a big, friendly smile on your face the next time you see him. Say, "Hi, so good to see you again!" with enthusiasm as you stick out your hand. Stick it out before he moves in. If he's even a little perceptive, he'll get the nonverbal cue. If he's dense, he might try to hug you. In that case, I'd recommend something like what kehills said above: "Now [name], I'm glad to see you again but I'm a married woman!" Laugh and pull away, and say something else (anything--still smiling, still friendly) to move past the greeting stage. It takes some skill to pull this off, but he should get it after that. If not, he's just really dense and possibly a perv, so just have your husband tell him privately it makes you uncomfortable and blame it on cultural differences, even if that's a lie. There's no reason you should be required to hug people, and he should have no reason to be offended.

-A southerner

Yes, it was a third times of meeting. The previous ones I only shook his hands. But the third times, when I gave my hands and then suddenly he said that. I could never guess or have a thought what was his real intention whether just being friendly or something else. What I noticed while was there that his wife also hugged everyone in the party. I guess because she already knew them. And I don't know how to explain this. This guy is not my husband's friend. They were both working in the USCG but different units and only met occasionally. My husband did not even remember his name and neither I.

[GandD 5,966]

They said that?

About friendly, I think the trick is to say no and then smile? Or say no and change the subject to smooth it over? Something like that.

Some folks will take it that way. I don't like being hugged... but it happens and I usually make the decision to role with it instead of make waves. There's nothing sexual about it in the cases I've been subjected to but i have def witnessed guys hug good looking female co-workers, waitresses, etc just for the contact. Its creepy and gross but I personally have never made a point to say something. I wish people wouldn't touch me period but inevitably some do and I usually just roll with it. Unless I know them well enough to tell them to stop. Which usually makes it worse.