family understanding

[sereia 0]

I tried to do a search but nothing related came up with my findings...if there are related posts please someone point me in that direction.

My family does NOT agree with my choice of a fiance. In fact, I haven't even told them that we are engaged. They still think we are dating and already have given me much grief over this.

I won't go into too much personal detail of myself but they basically think I am crazy to import a husband from another country. They think I'm crazy to import a husband from such a different culture, religion, and economical class. They don't understand why I'm making a decision to make my life possibly more difficult. The heartbreak of so much time apart, the visa process, helping him adjust to American life once he arrives, differences in beliefs and culture, him finding a job, how we will raise our children, etc. They also don't believe that a Muslim man from Morocco could actually love me and not be using me for a green card. They can't believe that his family could actually accept me even though I am American, Jewish, and Danish. I don't know how to get my point across that not all Muslims hate America, Danes, and Jews. That his family actually loves me. That he loves me. I know that once he arrives and gets settled in the US my family will embrace him. He is a loving and enchanting person. But how can I convince them of this? I don't want to lie to them but if I were to tell them I am engaged and am helping him come to the US through the K-1 visa they will think I am a desperate idiot. (more than they already do)

Have any of you gone through this lack of support from your family and friends? How did you react? This process is already so difficult being so far away from my love. .... I can't imagine not having the support of my family.

Edited January 13, 2007 by abdounjen

[chris4336 3]

Hey, I don't really have too much advice, but just want to let you know I am going through the same thing. I used to really get upset by it, but as the days go by I actually do feel myself getting stronger, and I honestly think our relationship is stronger because of it. My fiancee always tells me "All those other people have lived their lives...now its your chance to live your own life." I know they are simple words but they have helped me a lot. I also think (hope) that when my family finally meet my fiancee and actually see us together they will start to come around. I have a few friends who support my decision because they see how happy I am and I have relied on them for support.

So yeah its been hard and stressful...I think its really good to have people (even if they are on the internet) that you can talk to

[sereia 0]

i haven't even really told my fiance that my family feels this way about him.......... i'm taking this burden on myself and its been really difficult. i'm thinking i should tell him but i don't want to hurt him. i'm trying to think of the best way to tell him........i can't even imagine there being a good way.

he is intelligent and has asked if it was a problem. deep down i think he knows it might be a LITTLE problem but it really isn't little. my family wouldn't go as far as to disown me...but they strongly encourage me to move on and find someone else. sigh......

[chris4336 3]

It was exactly the same for me - I didn't want to tell my fiancee at first but now I am open about it, cause you are right its too hard to take it on yourself. My fiancee says he understands my parents position (he says if his daughter wanted to marry someone he had never met he would be upset as well), but he is also scared that my family will forbid me from marrying him. I think your fiancee will appreciate it if you tell him, and will be happy to help you, even if it is an unpleasent topic.

[doodlebug 3]

My family is the same way, but I'm 41 and am old enough to live my own life. I don't need their support. It would be nice but it's not needed. I am the one who married him, not them. It's hard to detach from your family but it is doable.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

THere comes a time you just have to do what you feel is right for you. Hopefully they will see him for the person he is not the title Moroccan/Muslim. To a point i have the same thing with my mother but slowly she has begun to talk and ask about him and im older, guess its just a mom thing. I would be open with him, try to explain and maybe one day your family will see. Good Luck

[sereia 0]

i know i don't need their approval to marry him. i'm young...but i'm on my own now and live in a totally different state from my family right now. i had hoped someday to return to california with my future husband and have a life near my family ....and be happily ever after. haha. i don't need their approval but i do wish they'd be happy for me and more supportive. my mom is my best friend but lately she's b een saying terrible things to me that take away from my happiness of just being engaged a week ago!

i really don't know how to react. i don't know how to tell my fiance. i'm lost.

[cbd2cai 0]

My family has been sort of a mixed bag from very curious and open about Ahmed(my niece) to being skeptical and downright hostile (my mother). My sister wants to support me so she tries hard. When I called Ahmed on Xmas day (I told him he was going to get to talk to my family, lol), my niece was the first one on the phone, then my sister and her husband. I had to hold the phone up to my brother's ear as he was cooking . . . so he did grudgingly talk to Ahmed . . . and Ahmed said that next year he will help him cook, hehe. My mother refused to speak with him mumbling something about "he wont be here next year either" and when I tried to excuse her to Ahmed, he said "it is OK, Catherine. I understand that some people feel that way. I hope when she meets me she will change her mind." I have told him not to worry about my mother . . . we aren't going to live with her. My oldest brother wasn't there with his family at the time, but he is curious and wants to discuss the situation regarding muslims and christians (oh, boy, do I want to have that discussion, hehe) . . . I sidetracked him onto Coptic Christians.

Life can be very interesting sometimes!!

CB2

[brnidokiegurl 0]

No way i can explain how your mom probably feels,your her little girl still and she wants the best for you no matter if you are on your own, shes still you mom. If your that close just try sitting down and have a good talk show her you have thought this through and tell her your decisions. Family is family right or wrong, they only want whats best for you and now they just dont have all the facts. Some day you will be a mom to and will have some of the same feelings im sure.

For now just talk to him tell him there is a little concern with the family and your hopeing in time they will come around. Actions will speak louder than words, they will see how happy your are and how good he treats you and the curtain will slowly fall.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Remember that your parents love you very much, and they're just worried. This is normal parent behavior. They just want the best for you, and they worry that maybe you haven't thought this through enough, that you're still their little girl who is wide-eyed and innocent, and they just don't want anyone to take advantage of that little girl. They want to protect you from hurt and hardship. They didn't have the chance to meet this guy yet and form real opinions about him. So he's an "unknown" to them -- and they fear the worst. Also, it's probably a big worry to them that you're making such a cross-cultural marriage -- I'm not talking just about religion -- it's probably very "different" from what they've had a lot of personal experience with before.

Just try not to let it get you down. Keep in mind that most parents will react to a situation like this in a similar way -- you will hear a lot of stories here that are much like yours. Some parents will say hurtful things, some will show their disapproval in other ways. The only thing that is going to change their minds is when they get a chance to actually meet him in person, see how he treats you and how much he makes you happy. This is what will win their hearts. And if they didn't change their minds after seeing how happy you are together, and how good a life you are making together, then that is the time to really react.

I know it's hard. But hang in there. True love is worth it.

-MK

[doodlebug 3]

When I called my mom to tell her I was married she said, "Oh gawd.......well I'm sure he's thrilled since now he'll get a visa".

Just what every daughter wants to hear from her mom the day of her marriage.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Doodle do we have same mom? I had troubles just telling her i was going there for the first visit, then she saw pictures of engagement party. Now tho she is starting to ask about him, i told her he had just sent me a box of things, so its getting better.

Sorry i know not the answer you were expecting on your special day.

[sereia 0]

when i was in morocco last week visiting my fiance i called my mom to check up with her. she said to thank his family for taking such good care of me. she said if i loved him, then she loved him too. i was soooo happy to hear this reaction from her.

but.......

then i return to the us and its a whole other story. how could i betray her? blah blah blahhhhhhhhh. how can i be so desperate? why don't i go out to meet someone else? how about even joining a dating website? ANYTHING to get away from this guy.

then my dad and his business partner flew to new york the other day and grilled me about abdou. what am i thinking being with this guy? how will he support me? etc.

i understand they are looking out for me. they want the best for their little girl. i understand from their point of view i must be nuts. they haven't met him. they aren't there when he and i are alone. no one knows the depth of our relationship but us. i wish i could explain to her how i feel without her biases coming into play.

but its also on a deeper level with my mom. she married someone from a different culture and religion from her. (my dad) and she now regrets this decision because of guilt. i think she is trying to force me into somehow fixing her mistake.

Edited January 14, 2007 by abdounjen

[Aymerlu 3]

My family was the exact same way. All I heard was "why, why, why." I finally had to get a bit firm with them and tell them, I'm adult, and I make my own decisions. I told them I loved Khallid and nothing was going to change my mind. That kinda got them off my back for a while. Now that they have met Khallid they love him so they are eating all those words they said. I even lost a few friends along the way, but I just figure they were not much of friends to begin with.

I hope everything works out for you!

[patiently_waiting 0]

My family has no clue! They know nothing about Rida because I know how judgmental they are and I would never hear the end of it. I don't have the slightest idea of how or when to tell them. Rida and I have talked about this many times, and since i have a poor relationship with my family, he tells me not to worry about it and live my life. He always reminds me that I have family there that loves me. My friends on the other hand haven't really said anything. They were all freaked out when I went to Morocco for two weeks and were genuinelu concerned that I would not return. I don't know what people think sometime. All you can do is live your life on your terms and ensure your own happiness.