Waiting to have the "big" wedding

[Alex+R 0]

The other weddings thread made me want to ask your opinions on this subject. We'll be getting married Feb 13 or 14 in the courthouse (assuming everything goes well Jan 23 at the interview, root for us!). I am getting some family pressure for a big wedding. Not BIG big, but SOME sort of celebration and ceremony. I've never really wanted a wedding so this is not a big deal to me, but I don't want to rob my mom of the right to be the MOTB either.

Anyway, the family matriarchs have been telling me that if I wait much longer than this summer to do it, it will be inappropriate and people will think it a bit audacious for me to have a wedding and expect gifts (not that I care about getting gifts that much, but people will think I do expect them).

The problem with this summer is that one of my best friends is also getting married and everyone is already flying out to the Midwest for it. If it have it on the heels of hers, it will seem like I'm trying to steal her thunder, right? But if I have it any other time this summer, I doubt everyone would be willing to fly back since the other girl already announced her wedding date last summer.

I'd much rather have the wedding around October or November. Is that too late?

I hope this wasn't too long or too GIRLY (ok, this is a totally girly post), and I hope you guys have some opinions because I'm at a loss.

[JenT 0]

Personally, I think 6 months is about 'it'.

[Fandango 1,440]

I'd say it'd be cute on the 1 year anni....but I'd call it a 'reaffirmation of vows'

[Alex+R 0]

I'd say it'd be cute on the 1 year anni....but I'd call it a 'reaffirmation of vows'

That seems like a good idea. If you were the MOTB would you feel robbed if it were a reaffirmation?

PS I love the new pic in your siggy

I used to have a crush on Tim.

[sereia 0]

i'm not sure of the actual etiquette of weddings and timing but i think do it when you think is right. finding a location, timing for everyone involved/invited is most important. if all goes well in my plan my fiance will arrive here in august or so...then i don't plan for our big wedding until the following may or june. almost a year later! i say go with what you feel is the best timing for you.

[Fandango 1,440]

I'd say it'd be cute on the 1 year anni....but I'd call it a 'reaffirmation of vows'

That seems like a good idea. If you were the MOTB would you feel robbed if it were a reaffirmation?

PS I love the new pic in your siggy

I used to have a crush on Tim.

No, I don't think I would feel 'robbed' cos it's a proper wedding in every sense of the word cept you two have already gotten married, lol

But at the end of the day, you should just have a mindset that you need to do whatever it is you want to do and to hell with convention...I mean if you were truly interested in doing what's 'done' you wouldn't be petitioning/marrying a foreigner. So don't worry what everyone else thinks and just do what you want...and keep in mind, these are your friends and your family, and they know what you're going thru (i'm assuming they do), so they will understand!

(goes without saying but Moms are exempt from my lil nugget of advice here, lol)

[Alex+R 0]

What I want to do is sort of not have any wedding at all, but I don't think I'm allowed to go that route! Ok, a party could be fun. I'm just worried nobody will come! That's always been my fear with parties though...

[Cassie 8]

I'd say it'd be cute on the 1 year anni....but I'd call it a 'reaffirmation of vows'

one of my best friends did that. they got married in a short civil ceremony in Texas, then the next year they did a renewal of their vows ceremony at her grandma's place in Canada, it was really really nice to share in that and it didn't feel like it had been too long a 'wait".

We did something similar, in that we had two "Open House" reception parties in Nova Scotia, one in Cape Breton and one on the South Shore. We originally planned to do it about 6 months after our wedding, but due to my mom's illness, we postponed it to about 10 months after. Between my mother and various relatives, we just spread the word for people to come, have some nibblies, hang out and have some fun, presents not required. We dressed up in our wedding outfits, brought our pictures from the ceremony, and had enough food to feed a small army. It was lots and lots of fun, and we didn't hear any grumbling that it was too late or not appropriate. People were just happy to see us and were glad for the chance to share in our joy.

[Alex+R 0]

Wellp, I think I'll do this party/open house type thing. It sounds like a good idea, and I think 6 months might be the limit for a "real" wedding, like JenT said. Now to sell it to Mom.

[sophyie 0]

We're going to have a big reception/bbq/casual party for our wedding, a little more than a year after the actual wedding.

We've talked about this with both families and neither of them has even mentioned a concern about it being too late- I didn't even think about it until just now.

It's not going to be a "wedding" but a get together for both families and circle of friends, from Germany and the US...

[Caladan 19]

C. and I will have a second 'wedding' reception around our one-year anniversary (assuming everything goes well these next few months) in Canada, and we're doing it as most of his family and friends can't afford to travel to the U.S. It will be sort of a big deal; at least I'm told I'll have to wear the dress again.

But as for the first wedding party? I agree with the consensus that sometime in the first six months would be good.

[maggieNomar 0]

C. and I will have a second 'wedding' reception around our one-year anniversary (assuming everything goes well these next few months) in Canada, and we're doing it as most of his family and friends can't afford to travel to the U.S. It will be sort of a big deal; at least I'm told I'll have to wear the dress again.

But as for the first wedding party? I agree with the consensus that sometime in the first six months would be good.

Reading these 2 wedding posts, I'm wondering how many couples plan to follow the civil cermony with the big wedding and then the big wedding never happens...that is my biggest fear with doing 2.

[peezey 0]

My cousin got married in Reno and only took his fiancee, and both sets of parents plus our grandmother. He was in the Army and traveling quite a bit so it was impossible to pin down a time for a big wedding when everyone could come. They did have a reception at his parents' house, but it was close to a year later. They sent out informal invites, and it was a bbq/outdoor party with the big things catered so my aunt didn't do too much work (she always insists, this was a big deal she allowed some catering).

I think your situation is similar, or anyone else who has extended family all around the country/world, not to mention people with crazy job schedules, school, etc. It seems like a good compromise since you really don't want a wedding anyway. If your mom is anything like you, I think she will find this to be a good compromise.

Edited January 14, 2007 by peezey

[MHandMB 0]

To me, marriage is a legal commitment as well as a spiritual one. We were married civilly in May due to having to fulfull our legal commitment, and we had our big wedding in November to celebrate our spiritual commitment. No one outside of my immediate family knew we were technically married. We didn't consider ourselves married in every sense of the word until we had the big wedding. We even lived with my folks until right after our big wedding. I had always wanted the fairytale wedding, and I didn't feel like the whole visa process should rob me of that. We had the most beautiful, perfect wedding, and that is the date we consider our marriage to have begun. That is the date we will celebrate our anniversary. To be honest, I can't even tell you with certainty what date in May we were even legally married.

I say, if you want the big wedding, go for it! You could call it a reception if you're not comfortable calling it a wedding. And, just remember, the general public is completely clueless about visa requirements, so most people wouldn't know that you're required to be married within 90 days of your fiance's arrival. There is no reason they have to know you were civilly married if you don't want them to. I don't think if it as being dishonest, because in my heart, I feel the day I truly became wedded in every sense of the word was in November.

Good luck no matter what you decide!

[ChristinaM 0]

Maggie, my husband and I got married in a very short civil "ceremony" (if you can even call it that!), and I would have liked to do something back in the UK in my church. Nearly 2 years later, it simply hasn't happened. I'm hoping we can do something like the reaffirmation of our vows - even though we didn't get to take the vows in the first place, possibly for our fifth anniversary. That being said, I'm not holding out huge amounts of hope!