Something I'm curious about…do "friends & family" understand this process?

[Julie+Matt 84]

Lakehouse:

I agree with you on the gaming thing. I love video games-not as much as my fiancé, but I've been a "gamer chick" since I was a child. We try to find co op games to play together right now, & there are several were looking forward to in the future. And even if I don't feel like playing, I understand it & have no problem with the idea of snuggling up to him while he plays & I watch or read a book or something. But, video games allow teamwork & improve communication or can be fun ways to fight against each other.

I've known many girls who despise their SOs because of their gaming habits & I've suggested to them that they try a co op game instead of getting angry at them. In fact, a long ago ex of mine used to get mad at ME for playing games. I wasn't allowed to play when he was home & it was frustrating. He'd never understand that he couldn't bother me when I was in the middle of an epic boss battle lol.

I'm very much looking forward to when we can play games together properly in our apartment, instead of over a mic...

[Brit Abroad 166]

We met in World of Warcraft. Knew each other as friends for years before we ever met. Married 5.5 years and still going strong.

It isn't about HOW you meet, it's the connection you make when you DO meet. People who haven't experienced it that way will never understand, and they don't have the benefit of seeing you together like "normal" couples and getting to know your partner over a long period. In time it gets better, because many of the people who want you to be the person they've always known will taper out of your life. Family will eventually come round when they see that you're happy and the relationship works.

Try not to let it get to you and be patient while they adjust. In some cases the person genuinely cares for you and can't see the long term future of you with someone they just don't know.

[BOS_LHR 829]

This whole international relationship thing isn't something you can empathize with until you've been through it. Years ago a friend of mine met a Russian online, fell in love, and married her during the 3 month stay he was permitted on his visa. He got the visa paperwork started when he returned home, and I remember what it was like hearing about it all from the outside. I didn't question his decisions, I even agreed to be a joint sponsor for him, but I also didn't really get it. I couldn't imagine what it was like to live through all that personally. Fast forward a few years and I found myself in an international relationship of my own, and everything is different. My friend's suffering years ago means so much more to me now that I've experienced it myself. His commitment and that of his wife mean more to me now that I know what it cost (emotionally) and how they were tested. I intimately understand what he went through and can honestly empathize. Most people in your life, even the ones who love you best, will never be able to do that. Not for this. And that's completely ok. That's why communities like VJ are so valuable -- not just as a repository of information, but as a place to be understood. My friends and family trust me to make good decisions for myself, so if any of them were skeptical of my relationship, they kept it to themselves. They congratulated me and they supported me as best they could. I hope the people in your life will be able to do that for you. Enjoy your new-found happiness and trust that time will prove all the naysayers wrong. You've got your whole lives together, after all. People are bound to come around eventually

[PallasAthena 101]

Jewels, you have our support here. Eventually, people will get over themselves.

It's amazing how rude and insensitive people can be. I get rude comments all the time ranging from "how can you go so long without sex?" to "oh, long distance relationship? I could never do it.. uh uh, not me." to even worse things. I think that people (even in my family) were betting that we'd get divorced. Even "worse" is that facebook brought my husband and me together.

There will always be haters and the only thing you can do is stand true to your convictions and prove them all wrong.

Good luck on your visa journey and we're here to help!

[Julie+Matt 84]

Thanks so much everyone, for your kind words. I have had a few who don't get it, but actually find the whole idea romantic & then they're baffled at how much effort this takes to be together. I've wondered at how many of my coworkers would be willing to go through all of this just to be with their significant other, & I think that most wouldn't.

I'm a manager in the customer service industry, so while I don't have many close friends, I know a lot of people & I've told most. Only a handful are supportive. I don't expect them to understand completely, but the negativity is tiring. My parents (I'm living at home until he gets here so I can save money for the months where he won't have a job to contribute to our housing) at least they see how often we talk, so they're understanding.

Again, thanks so much for sharing your stories & I'm glad I've found this community. I'm always on here when I'm not working or speaking with my fiancé.

[QueenComley 295]

I knew my (now) husband when we were kids. He moved to America when he was 15 and I was 13. I never heard from again until 20 years later when he contacted me on FB and we instantly fell in love.

I was bullied mercifully by 1 particular senior work colleague because of my long distance relationship. Looking back I guess it must have seemed odd and not a very conventional relationship (at the point of announcing he had proposed to me I had not even flown out to meet him). What hurt the most is the colleague that bullied me the most was also a victim of bullying herself, and was bullied out of her last job for being gay. If anyone could have understood or related to "unconventional" relationships, or to feel the hurt of other peoples narrow mindedness I thought it would have been her. She disagreed with my relationship so much she deleted me off FB and pretty much turned on me. It was weird, so strange.

The comments, digs, sniggers and talking behind my back was relentless. I used to call my husband on my lunch break every day in tears. I worked in Human Resources when all this was happening. because it was senior staff doing the worst attacking I felt I had no one to report my bullying too.

The comments ranged from calling me crazy, nuts, stupid, deranged, I will never get a green card, Im living in a fantasy world. there were also daily digs on America and the people of America.

Prior to my first flight out to see him I took great pleasure in handing in my notice at work and watching the main bully turn green at the gills. I went to America, had a wonderful time, was treated to a nice big diamond ring, and 2 weeks later had the pleasure of flashing that sparkly rock in my ex work colleagues face.

In a sense the bullying made me stronger. There was never a single time during the bullying (9 hours a day, 5 days a week) that I EVER doubted the authenticity of our love for each other, or that things would not work out. Our family and friends were wonderfully supportive and that was the most important thing to us. I felt offended that I was bullied daily. I am 36 years of age for goodness sake!!!

That was 3 years ago. I have been married for 14 months now, have a green-card, a US driving license.... and guess what? I also have the best husband in the world.

People who bully and judge are generally not very happy within their own lives.

[christeen 966]

However, I never understood letting so many people who are just acquaintances know so much about my personal business? Especially if doing something not considered conventional? I guess I value my privacy a lot as I mostly just told my close friends and family as I figured it was no one else's business and they did,not know enough about "me" to be an effective judge of the decisions I was making...

[QueenComley 295]

However, I never understood letting so many people who are just acquaintances know so much about my personal business? Especially if doing something not considered conventional? I guess I value my privacy a lot as I mostly just told my close friends and family as I figured it was no one else's business and they did,not know enough about "me" to be an effective judge of the decisions I was making...

Its certainly something I considered in Hindsight christeen, your certainly not wrong.The colleague was on my FB account, up until that point I got on incredibly well with them.

Once I have found employment in America, adding a colleague to FB is something I wont consider doing again.

[christeen 966]

Yes, managing social media and separating my real "friends" from " clients and work type" people is a constant thing... I keep separate FB accounts... One for my business (with groups) and my personal one... Not that I have anything to hide, but no point broadcasting my moves to everyone or having to constantly edit what I write or post just in "case" it pisses someone off. I just think that especially young people today share waaaayyy too much personal stuff with people.. I know way too much stuff about some of my distant family, casual friends and clients than I care to...

[QueenComley 295]

Yes, managing social media and separating my real "friends" from " clients and work type" people is a constant thing... I keep separate FB accounts... One for my business (with groups) and my personal one... Not that I have anything to hide, but no point broadcasting my moves to everyone or having to constantly edit what I write or post just in "case" it pisses someone off. I just think that especially young people today share waaaayyy too much personal stuff with people.. I know way too much stuff about some of my distant family, casual friends and clients than I care to...

LOL yes... after my experience I agree 100% with you.

We live and learn.

[Julie+Matt 84]

Yes, I agree I shouldn't have shared, but when I put my vacation time in & had to tell them I was leaving the country so they wouldn't try to schedule me to work it was kind of difficult to hide it. Everyone there gossips. I didn't want everyone knowing & didn't tell anyone about my relationship/trip until 2 weeks before I left. One of the reasons being that my ex-who was friends with my fiancé- works at my store. I didn't want him to find out & think I'm with him just to piss off my ex or for him to try & get in between us. When the gossip spread, I confronted my ex & let him know what was going on (I was very mature I'm explaining it to him) he told me, before my trip, that he was happy for us & wished us the best. However, when I came back engaged, he was furious & disowned my fiancé. (We haven't talked since the breakup except for that. He cheated on me & doesn't deserve my time) my ex told my fiancé that he stabbed him in the back by getting engaged to me, which we both find laughable.

Regardless, I shouldn't have to hide it. I'm happy & want everyone to know. I'm also an open minded person. I'd like support, but I shouldn't have to hide who I'm marrying, I'm not ashamed of him. I love my British fiancé to bits & always will. Soon enough he will be here with me & there will be no way of denying our relationship. I honestly think many of them are jealous.

[christeen 966]

Too much drama... Just do your thing...

[Ketsuban 1,034]

I met my husband online in 2003 when I was 13 and he was 16. He was a repeat reviewer of one of my stories on fanfiction.net!

I didn't actually talk to him properly until I was 15 and got MSN Messenger. We hit it off really well and became good friends, with the odd flirtation here and there. I accidentally fell violently in love with him one day while chatting on webcam, which was nice. I didn't actually tell him I had a major crush on him for about a month, and he admitted to feeling the same, much to my surprise. One of the happiest days of my life

My parents, especially my mum, were very against my "internet boyfriend" and thought the whole thing was ridiculous, until he actually came to England to visit. They fell in love with him as fast as I did XD I didn't actually tell my parents about him at all until a couple of months before we first met in person, which was in 2011.

My school friends still think I'm being ridiculous. Apparently after I got engaged, they were in hysterics about it at a get-together I wasn't invited to. To be fair, they have "liked" the announcements on Facebook that went up after the engagement and the marriage, but I guess in reality they think it's bizarre.

My co-workers are 100% supportive of the entire thing and are really happy for me. I didn't start working there until I after I met my husband in person though, so that's probably why they don't think I'm crazy

To be honest, I'm not too concerned with what other people think. I used to be when my friends and family had much more influence over me, but now I just do my own thing for the most part. If someone thinks my relationship is strange, then that's their problem to deal with, not mine. I'd rather have my long-distance relationship with my husband than a conventional relationship with some other guy just because he's closer to home.

Edited May 4, 2014 by Ketsuban

[Snag 57]

I think it depends on the person and the type of relationship. If my mother expressed concern, I'd realise it's because she loves me, wants what's best for me, and just wants me to be safe. When I was dating my husband (then boyfriend), it really picked out some weeds from the daisies, so to speak. One girl I knew a little (but not well), went off at me for getting engaged after my husband and I had been dating for five months, and met in person once; she had determined that I couldn't possibly know my husband in such a short amount of time. (Funnily enough, I recently found out that she just got engaged to someone she's been dating for five months, so there's that). I didn't need that negativity in my life, and felt it to be no real loss (like I said, she was a step beyond an acquaintance, but not a good friend by any means). Determine the source - whether the person is close to you or not. Determine why they feel that way - is it jealousy? Genuine concern? Fear of the unknown? Be sensitive to others concerns, especially if they're a genuine influence in your life.

[inlovebutlonely 6]

I completely understand. Everyone in my life turned against me when I decided to go to my hubbys country. When I was dropped off at the airport I was told I was going to get killed, raped, captured. That he couldnt possibly love me that I was being used. Anything and everything you can think of I was told. I had no one supporting me. I ignored everything and everyone and went, I was scared I will not lie. But he was there waiting for me with my favorite flowers in hand, and said the most beautiful words I have ever hear from a man. I am glad I went and I am glad I married him. My visit visa to his country was only for 30 days and we were trying to extend the visa but it didnt look possible so we married about 14 days after i arrived in his country. I adore this man, but I will tell you prepare yourself for judgement from everyone even from the interviewer at the embassy, they judged us and our relationship and called my husband a liar, said this relationship was just for the gc. People will judge a lot and no they dont understand unless they have been through the same situation, they wonder why we married someone from another country. My husband and I did NOT want a relationship we were NOT looking for one. We were friends talked for hours every day, I fell for him first but I could feel that he felt the same way but he kept telling me no we were just going to be friends.......one day he couldnt deny it any longer and he told me he loved me, we talked about our future about marriage, when we met face to face we knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. NO ONE understand that feeling, unless you have been through it as well. This immigration process is very hard and I wouldnt wish it on anyone, being away from the person you love more than yourself because of laws. It is heart breaking and when we got so close to finally being together the man you interviewed my husband was mean and rude and put our case on AP. My husband and me have been apart since December 2012. It is very expensive to travel to his country and we have put all of our time, effort and money on this immigration process. I pray everyday him and I will be together soon, I cry everyday day and im very depressed. I wish you the best in your journey and the best advice I can give you is IGNORE those comments ppl make they dont know your love.