Something I'm curious about…do "friends & family" understand this process?

[Julie+Matt 84]

Hi everyone,

I know most of you have probably met your fiancé online in some way or another. (here's our backstory-I'm sorry if this is long) I didn't meet mine through any sort of site-I actually met him through an ex boyfriend (they were part of a video gaming crew for the last 8 years, and I was introduced to him over a year ago). My ex invited me into a game of minecraft with his buddy "vizi". I'm also an artist, learning 3-d design and the two of them were in the beginning stages of working on their own video game, and I was invited to join in with that as well. Well, long story short, my ex is a jerk and broke up with me for another girl. He did, however, tell me I could still be involved in the video game project because I'm a talented artist. So, I contacted vizi to let him know that I was still interested in working with him and that I had a fantastic time getting to know him and playing games with him over the past year. To my surprise, he responded and said he'd like to play a video game with me on my day off that week (using a headset to chat). We continued to text over the next few days before our playdate. Our gaming session went really well, and over the next few weeks we talked constantly. At the end of december, I got my passport and we set up a date for me to visit him. We started dating on New Years Eve.

Needless to say, our constant messaging and hours of gaming and talking have allowed us to become very very close. We discussed the possibility of marriage if my visit went well (after a week or so of talking to him, I knew in my heart that I couldn't live without him and the distance was killing me). I flew out to England in March and a few days after I got there, he proposed to me. He's the sweetest, most amazing man I've ever met, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Now, I don't care what other people have to say about us, but at the same time, it'd be awesome to be "supported" and "understood". Everyone I know thinks that I'm insane. Firstly, the two months before I got on the plane, my coworkers and few friends that I have told me he was going to murder me, or was some fat ugly guy, or going to rob me, or was lying and wasn't who I thought he was. I was angry hearing it all the time…that I'm crazy being with someone from another country. Everyday, a cute guy would come into my work and my coworkers would point him out to me. "I already have a boyfriend." "He's not real, you've never met him"-was their reply. Well, my visit was amazing, and he truly is who he was on the headset.

Anyway, I come home, and I get more "you're crazy. You barely know him" "You've only known him for ten days" Why is the meeting in person the only legitimate part? We talk for hours every day and text constantly…how is that me not knowing him? I've known him over a year, we've been together for several months and I can guarantee that I know him better than most of them know their significant others because all we have is our conversations. I'm constantly being treated by people I know like I'm insane and I'm not in an actual relationship. When we get married, it won't be real, because he's foreign. I don't get it. Why is it so insane?

I'm wondering, do any of you have issues like these? How do you deal with all of the constant negativity? I've tried explaining to people the process we're both going through, and the time, effort and financial burden it is on us and then I hear "Well, why are you paying for all of it? Why does his coming over here depend on how much money YOU make?" He's paying for his share, it's not like it's all on me. This is a very stressful time, but my fiancé has made me the happiest woman in the world and I want nothing more than to be his wife. I just…wish people would understand and be supportive, because some days the negativity just…gets to me. I won't give up, but I'd just like some positive reactions for once.

Sorry for the long-winded message. I'm just wondering if I'm alone in feeling like this...

[John & Mary 1]

Our story is similar-- by the time my husband and I married, we'd only spent about two months in each other's presence. However, I think my friends and family bit their tongues most of the time, or at least had the decency to complain about my choices behind my back! The only thing you can do is prove them wrong by being happy. Be happy. Thrive! It will drive them crazy.

Edited May 4, 2014 by John & Mary

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Immigration is separate from a relationship.

If you two lived in the same town, people would raise an eye if you had only spent a week together in person and otherwise talked on the phone, and decided to get married. Obviously being a long distance relationship makes some sacrifices needed, but 10 days is not a lot no matter how you slice it.

People aren't going to understand the immigration part.

Best of luck to you.

[TeaCup 65]

Hi everyone,

I know most of you have probably met your fiancé online in some way or another. (here's our backstory-I'm sorry if this is long) I didn't meet mine through any sort of site-I actually met him through an ex boyfriend (they were part of a video gaming crew for the last 8 years, and I was introduced to him over a year ago). My ex invited me into a game of minecraft with his buddy "vizi". I'm also an artist, learning 3-d design and the two of them were in the beginning stages of working on their own video game, and I was invited to join in with that as well. Well, long story short, my ex is a jerk and broke up with me for another girl. He did, however, tell me I could still be involved in the video game project because I'm a talented artist. So, I contacted vizi to let him know that I was still interested in working with him and that I had a fantastic time getting to know him and playing games with him over the past year. To my surprise, he responded and said he'd like to play a video game with me on my day off that week (using a headset to chat). We continued to text over the next few days before our playdate. Our gaming session went really well, and over the next few weeks we talked constantly. At the end of december, I got my passport and we set up a date for me to visit him. We started dating on New Years Eve.

Needless to say, our constant messaging and hours of gaming and talking have allowed us to become very very close. We discussed the possibility of marriage if my visit went well (after a week or so of talking to him, I knew in my heart that I couldn't live without him and the distance was killing me). I flew out to England in March and a few days after I got there, he proposed to me. He's the sweetest, most amazing man I've ever met, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Now, I don't care what other people have to say about us, but at the same time, it'd be awesome to be "supported" and "understood". Everyone I know thinks that I'm insane. Firstly, the two months before I got on the plane, my coworkers and few friends that I have told me he was going to murder me, or was some fat ugly guy, or going to rob me, or was lying and wasn't who I thought he was. I was angry hearing it all the time…that I'm crazy being with someone from another country. Everyday, a cute guy would come into my work and my coworkers would point him out to me. "I already have a boyfriend." "He's not real, you've never met him"-was their reply. Well, my visit was amazing, and he truly is who he was on the headset.

Anyway, I come home, and I get more "you're crazy. You barely know him" "You've only known him for ten days" Why is the meeting in person the only legitimate part? We talk for hours every day and text constantly…how is that me not knowing him? I've known him over a year, we've been together for several months and I can guarantee that I know him better than most of them know their significant others because all we have is our conversations. I'm constantly being treated by people I know like I'm insane and I'm not in an actual relationship. When we get married, it won't be real, because he's foreign. I don't get it. Why is it so insane?

I'm wondering, do any of you have issues like these? How do you deal with all of the constant negativity? I've tried explaining to people the process we're both going through, and the time, effort and financial burden it is on us and then I hear "Well, why are you paying for all of it? Why does his coming over here depend on how much money YOU make?" He's paying for his share, it's not like it's all on me. This is a very stressful time, but my fiancé has made me the happiest woman in the world and I want nothing more than to be his wife. I just…wish people would understand and be supportive, because some days the negativity just…gets to me. I won't give up, but I'd just like some positive reactions for once.

Sorry for the long-winded message. I'm just wondering if I'm alone in feeling like this...

I understand! While my story is slightly different, the comments and negativity were the same. I met my husband in 2009, we video chatted every day for hours, eventually in 2011, we decided it was time to meet, I was going to the USA to see him. I was young and my family thought I was being stupid (my mother even tried to say she'd hide my passport!) hahaha, I never told anyone until just a few days before I flew out, because I didn't want to listen to the comments they would make, I got the same horrible comments, oh he's a killer, ugly, blah blah blah. I flew out to see him, then again a few weeks later, then he came to visit me and my family! We are married 2 years now and we still get the odd comment here and there when we tell people how we met.

People really don't understand this process until they have to go through it themselves. They think it's weird and that only lonely creepy losers find love on the internet. You really have to just ignore what they say or even tell them "yeah, he probably is a killer, oh well." What will they say to that? HAHAHAH.

Also, the only people who really gave me positive reactions are some girls I work with, they think it's "cute & romantic" it was a nice change after all the negativity.

Just remember, the people who say all the horrible things have most likely never experienced real love and a bond with someone, you have to feel sorry for them in a way.

Stay strong!!

[Erin441 2]

I deal with the same rude comments.. but i have come to realize that in the end it is absolutely my/your choice, so really that is all that matters. Do what makes YOU happy, not others. You are the one marrying him! Not your family.

[christeen 966]

Without ever experiencing anything even remotely similar, it is difficult to impossible for anyone to understand or relate... It is what it is ... If you know it's right, you gotta be true to you, don't waste your energy on teaching those that just judge, the energy is better spent on your loved one and everything it takes to be married... You don't explain to,them how,they are wrong, you prove to,them...

[Al422 221]

Absolutely. My friends and family understand this about as much as I understand surgery (Hint: I am not a doctor).

My solution: I am not tellng them until Candy's plane to New York leaves the ground.

They brought this upon themselves with their hurtful and snobbish and detrucitve comments the first two times I tried to do this. That is why I am now doing it in secrecy.

Candy's family, on the other hand, has been wonderful. I was not only an honored guest but a full member of their family from the minute I walked into their house in Ballesteros.

Edited May 4, 2014 by Al422

[Not a Tailor 1,370]

Before I say anything, I should note that I have never set out to date ANYONE online. It just keeps happening to me. Of 10 people I've dated in my life, I've met 7 of them online. Four have lived in Ontario (though one of those four was a Texan who was a permanent resident of Canada). So I've basically been in LDR my entire adult life. I think it's because I'm an introvert who would rather stay home and hang out online than go out somewhere. Even when I'm sitting next to someone, I'm more likely to talk to them over skype than I am to speak aloud. I prefer text-based formats of communication for several reasons.

The 'oh my god, what if he/she is a serial killer/rapist/baby stealer/kitten torturer/nuclear bomb builder' never stops. Never. I've met all but one of the people I've dated in person and most of them have come to me. Even when meeting them in person, on my own turf, with my mother standing by my side 'just in case,' I have still had people tell me that I am in grave danger!

I don't have family anymore except my grandmother (who is RIDICULOUSLY supportive) and so now it's my wife's family who isn't sure. I'm Canadian. They've actually asked the 'greencard?' question. About a Canadian. Like I'd run away from my beloved socialized healthcare for anything short of being POSITIVE about who I want to be with.

But I digress. I get asked all the time if I'm sure I want to leave Canada (no, I'm not, but I want to be with my wife). I get asked all the time why I would do something so stupid as move to the US, where I don't know anyone. Well, four years ago, I moved to Toronto--where I knew the same number of people as I know where my wife lives. One person. It's no different than a move to a strange city, for me. If there were a language barrier, I might be a bit more worried, but there's not. And even if there was, I love my wife and that's what matters.

So no. They don't get it. Not unless they've been here. And we're a select few, in the big scheme of things.

[KayDeeCee 4,893]

~ Moved from K-1 Process to General Immigration-Related Discussion - topic not K-1 process and relates to anyone that met online and dealing with immigration ~

[TBoneTX 45,273]

This topic is interesting and important. We get more advice on how to buy a washing machine or a car than we do on picking a mate. Some tips that help in picking a mate are also useful in mollifying those who would doubt our relationship.

First: Would we give the other person the time of day -- or would he/she give US the time of day -- if we had met locally rather than from a distance?

Next: There are three phases to forming and deciding on forming a relationship: e-mail, phone, and in person.

The first two phases can go wonderfully well, but if the third does not, our alarm bells must ring.

After meeting too few available women locally and around the U.S., too many of them genuinely damaged and psychotic, I resolved to search internationally. After research, I settled on Latin America as the venue. I joined two matchmaking-type programs: a large one covering all areas, and a tiny one only for Ecuador.

All but a couple of contacts from the large program passed the e-mail test; I progressed to the phone stage with only one, from Peru. At about that time, the small program connected me with Mrs. T-B.-to-be. I reached the phone stage with her, too.

The Peruana was quite nice and her English was a little better. However, at the end of my first call with Mrs. T-B.-to-be, she said, in her very rusty English, "T-B., whatever happens between us, promise me one thing: Promise that you'll never lie to me." This was so radically different from my sufferings with confused, warped local women that I took notice. I told doubters of this, and it put Mrs. T-B.-to-be ahead of the Peruana, the language skills notwithstanding.

Mrs. T-B.-to-be and her family were of very modest means, but she never once asked me for money or hinted about it. I told doubters of this.

She had never been married and had passed up some opportunities, all because of the "machista" attitudes of her culture (a complete double standard for male vs. female behavior in relationships and marriages). By Latin American standards, she was quite an "old maid." She had been to the U.S., knew what it was about, and had no pressing desire to return, much less move here (which would mean leaving her family). She had never considered a relationship with a gringo, but had become aware of the matchmaking program and decided to join it, chiefly out of curiosity. She had no expectations from it and was living her life quite independently and happily. I told doubters of this.

The e-mail and phone phases continued to go swimmingly; nothing rang my always-activated, finely tuned alarm. When it finally came time for my first visit, which would include meeting her family, I visited three jewelry stores before I found one that would agree to a return of an engagement ring if I came home with it in my pocket -- which I was fully prepared to do if any doubt arose in my mind during the in-person phase.

On my visit, every molecule of my body was alert for possible deception. Despite my active attempts, I identified nothing unnatural, phony, or untoward about her attitudes toward me, life, marriage, or anything else. There was zero "disconnection" between the e-mail/phone stage and the in-person stage. A few hours before I was to meet her family, I asked her if she wanted to marry me. She considered this for a few moments and said that she thought that I was unlike Ecuadorian men and that our expectations were similar, so yes. (She was obviously checking me out in similar fashion.)

When I met her family, we got acquainted (with much translation help), and Mrs. T-B.-to-be told them that I had something important to say. In much-practiced Spanish with strong gringo dialect, I asked, "Will you marry me?" She looked visibly scared and paused for a long moment before she choked out, "Si." Her sisters squealed, and one said, "Finally!"

As for how the three paragraphs above fit into "mollifying doubters," I used them (plus the information used to mollify local doubters) in the infernal Stokes interview with the ####### Guayaquil consulate. I added to it a glaring "My fraud alert about deceptive females has been stronger for 19 years than your Fraud Prevention officer's!" We pried the visa out of that Godforsaken, hellhole consulate and have been married for 5.5 years. I learned later that Mrs. T-B.-to-be nearly cut and ran from our very first meeting because she was aghast at my "ugly gringo shirt."

Consider whether any of the above will help you to determine whether your relationship is truly sound and whether you can therefore use those rationales to settle the fears of doubters.

Edited May 4, 2014 by TBoneTX

[JE57 239]

The question, 'How did you meet?' which is answered is almost always followed by a Judgement.... You met online and he/she is from overseas? What's wrong with finding someone from your own country?, You met in a Bar? Gee don't you think that after a few drinks everyone in a bar looks good? You met on a bus? What, he couldn't afford to own a car? And so on and so on...

If you recognize that what you see as negativity is probably (most of the time) simply concern for you and as far as the immigration issues being unaware of the issues involved then perhaps you can frame the questions comments in a positive light and respond in kind. In your case... ' I was never looking for a relationship, and now based on what I know of the complications involved in marriage to a foreign national I would probably have thought twice as hard before I became involved' and then continue, 'I have been incredibly blessed to meet a great friend thru a mutual interest', The fact that we met online and our relationship developed there means we had to get to know each other for the real us rather than getting all tied up in the sexual aspects that trap so many people. The fact that we continue to date and communicate without spending time in person makes the relationship stronger. We have to work so much harder.

-

Now, along with the positives a word of caution for you. Your relationship IS mostly online, which means that you don't have to deal with each other when your not happy and that both of you are likely to avoid topics that might upset the other because you can do so because you are not physically with each other. So my non-professional advice is to make sure that you don't shy away from saying things that you believe will upset the other person. Don't use the distance as a point of cooling off when you do disagree or if you do use it as a way to cool off make sure that you and he are aware that you do this and figure out how to accomplish the same thing when you are together. You are very much in love, make sure that you love each other enough to deal with the things you know the other person isn't going to want to hear.

[baron555 934]

He's the sweetest, most amazing man I've ever met, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

And if his feelings are mutual, then you two are golden. Only your thoughts are what counts.

Now, I don't care what other people have to say about us,

That's the correct attitude. The majority do not have any ounce of courage to do what you guys are trying to do.

but at the same time, it'd be awesome to be "supported" and "understood".

Forget about it, you won't get it. They don't have a clue.

Everyone I know thinks that I'm insane. Firstly, the two months before I got on the plane,

Then don't tell anyone about what you are doing. You'll only solicit negativity.

[Julie+Matt 84]

I wish I didn't tell anyone about him, but at the same time, I'm super happy that we are together & I want people to know!

I also wasn't looking for a relationship...not with him anyway. When we started talking, I was single & I actually had signed up on match.com & ignored several inquiries from men more than 20 miles away-because that was too far lol. I spoke with a few & they all bored me. Every guy I spoke to anywhere just...wasn't interesting. But this man, from England, kept my interest. That's when I realized something was there & I needed him here, somehow.

He truly does feel the same way as I do, & is willing to give up his life to move here with me. We've discussed everything-I've told him about my temper, he knows I'm a slob (he actually unknowingly cleaned up after me during my last visit) & he doesn't care. We've been open & honest with each other-none of that courting bs where you hide all your faults in the beginning of a relationship. With the distance, if it's to work-we need to KNOW each other. And we do.

I'm actually heading back over there in 5 days & I can't wait.

I do still wish others supported me, but I'm glad I've found this site & I appreciate the support & knowing that others are dealing with the same things. I've found the perfect man for me, finally. He's foreign, but I'm willing to do all this just to be together:)

[rshree 16]

Our experience about so called friends understanding this was pretty much similar. We too met online & thou within North America, in totally different zones (east & west); Most of the people I know "advised" me to take it really slowly thou I never asked for any advice!!!

Some totally believed that I am acting stupid & will pay for it... Oh.. God! The same people now act jealous on hearing that we got approved & I am relocating soon!!

Thanks to the almighty! I do have some real friends who are genuinely happy for us.. on the top of it my sibling, my only family nearby, is very happy as well.

So We don't give a damn about these so called friends!

[Lakehouse 293]

Amongst the many things I could say on this topic, the one and only that I'll focus on at this time is gaming, as very few people expand on it, yet more and more people seem to have discovered each other that way.

I also met my husband gaming, and we got to know each other quite well for a couple of years before it turned into a 'relationship' that we pursued.

But the part of my life prior to that was spent with my 'boyfriend' /common-law of 22 wonderful years prior to him passing away, and we were both gamers. Simply the fact that you are both gamers is an asset in your relationship!

How many couples have I known, where 'he' (it seems usually it's been the male) is a gamer, and she feels left out, begins to feel neglected or makes demands on his time... and they split because of the void that exists in their leisure time. Folks who don't have a history of gaming may not comprehend that particular 'addiction', but can appreciate how it can destroy a relationship if gaming is one-sided.

That's not to say that gaming will be the only leisure activity in your lives for sure, but it is a strong tie that can bind your interests together and give you something that you share which may consume a lot of your time together. And time spent together doing something you both enjoy lends a nice framework on which you add to as you grow and live together.

Good luck