fiance down

[MIDUVIL 34]

I came from the caribbean, in March 6 years ago (end of the winter), didn't have any problem to adjust. Love it, most likely because i was spending long hours sitting in front of my computer in my home country. And I did and I'm doing the same here in usa.

I'm introvert, and love people here...

But I find always good to go in international part of the store, to see mangoes, caribbean fruits. I visited Florida 3 years ago, I was like a bee in front of a flower. I don't regret the sun (lol, love the winter, except for this year).

But it's good to go on place that remind him a little bit of the DR, if you go outside with him and go to eat at Olive garden for example, maybe it's not the good place for now. A little restaurant more "exotic" is better, international food, caribbean fruit (mango, pine apple, banana...), do some research online and try to cook a simple DR food, and ask him if he can do it once a while for you.

They may start to sell some exotic plant, you can buy one. Even if he doesn't care, but maybe this little things can help him.

I lived in a hilly (moutain island), and it's the last month that I noticed than I always favour one view of my house compare to the other one. I just found last month that it's because this one is hilly and the other view is flat land. Just a little things like that, act on your mental without knowing it.

You can meet people who are speaking english and spanish, or people from DR on meet-up for example.

You know everything is different for him, the size of the country, the people, the warmth of the people, the weather...his new family. For now, try to be a little more islander-caribbean minded (if i can tell it).

I was so pleased to find the Goya brand, and more the guava jelly. If you buy jelly, instead of strawberry, blueberry...try the guava one, on the international section of your store or the pine apple one. Change your apple juice by a guava, pine apple, orange juice, mango for example.

You can go on some Dominican republic forum and ask for advise on some food or particularities. I know that you have a lot to do but he needs your help. Help him to adjust, and tell him that he needs to work harder (in a nice way) for him to have a job and he can send a little money to his son for him to eat. If you can afford it, maybe send a box once a month for his son, just for him not to have to worry about him.

If he is not ready to see the beauty of US now and only think about his son, what he left to DR, he just may need just to find some landmarks here.

Good luck for everything

Edited April 30, 2014 by MIDUVIL

[Yanet Gonzalez 2]

I'm so glad to hear that someone is going through the same thing!! My fiancée got here March 14th and he has had a REALLY hard time adjusting.

Everything was better in Nicaragua, he hates the food, he has something negative to say about EVERYTHING. I felt like, we went through so much to be with each other and I felt cheated by all his negative words.

I was so pissed...I started telling him, "if you don't like it....go back home." One day we were having a heart to hearts and he asked me "why are you always kicking me out" and he was crying. I felt so bad...I promised him I would never kick him out and I would try to be more understanding but I asked him to be more open to change.

I reminded him of all the reasons we choose to live in the US (I told him, I was happy when we lived in Nicaragua. I didn’t have to work lol) I told him that all his negativity was really bring me down. That because of all his negativity I was starting to hate my job and I was starting to feel really depressed.

He’s been here about a month and half and it's getting better. I'm not saying it's been prefect but it’s a working progress.

Try to be patient. It will get better. If you need someone to talk to PM.

[The Mean Lady 604]

Adjustment is to be expected, but you don't have to deal with constant negativity.

I told my husband if he didn't like it here, he could go back.

You're not bound for life together.

He will make the choice if you are worth it to stay just as my husband has even though he hates the US.

Edited April 30, 2014 by The Mean Lady

[Naisha 5]

Give it time OP, be patient. I know it's easier said than done. But not everyone is the same when it comes to adapting to changes. It was hard for me too during my first 3 weeks here. Are you hispanic too like your husband? Because sometimes there could also be culture clash if two people are from different cultures. My husband is Peruvian and christian. I'm Filipino and muslim. I know for a fact that my husband has given up a lot of things for me, that's why I'm doing my best to adjust, and I think I have step out from my comfort zone after 2 months. It was not easy but I have to. If your husband doesn't like the food, there are Mexican supermarket around. I live in Northern Chicago and every 2 weeks we drive to downtown to go to Asian market. My husband also took me to Indian and middle eastern restaurants as I'm half Pakistani and has spent the past 7 years living in Malaysia with my Pakistani-Bengali relatives from my mother side. Since I got here, my husband has stop eating pork, it was a scarifice for him that's why every time loneliness and boredom would kick in, I always remind myself of the reasons that I'm here and the sacrifices that my husband has done for me. It could take awhile for your husband to adjust OP. I know you are doing your best and you are discourage. But don't give up on him yet, it's only 18 days. Talk to him, try to sort it out with him. There's nothing that can't be solved with an honest talk. If you need someone to talk, just pm me. Whenever we go downtown, we can hang out sometime.

[jalvarez320 8]

I am trying so hard. I have tried so hard. I downgraded my schedule from 14 hours to 8. I come home I cook. Clean wash clothes and attend to our twins who are 1 and my 5 yr old son. I have tAlked to him heaet to heart and he g err s upset. He told me last nite no one can help him because the only one is god.

He worries about his son in the Dominican all the time. When he eats he always says he feels bad cUse he dont know if his son has eaten. But get this when I ask him has he fed our twins hebtells me all I gave them was milk. Im like #######. I had to get babysitter because he isnt caring for them right. U would think he wouldnt b bored he has thebtwins he co should b enjoying but he so focused on his other child. Its just crazy

I could just imagine how you feel... that's my fear when my fiance comes and his son stays in DR and we have a son here in the USA. It's hard, maybe he could go out and get a job and he could be busy and not think about the negative things. You know his babymama will always call and complain and ask for money it sucks. But I really hope things turn around for you because after going thru this process you should be happy and not stressed....

[MRS.MONTILLA 4]

Well 8 am hispanic and I can cook dominican mexican puuerto rican food and more. I cook his dr plates but he doesnt like the salami here so thats on hold till I find a better alternative.

I have tried to bring him around other dominicans and he hated it. He said they were soooo fake.

I yes have traveled with him alot since we got back but that wasnt to kiss his butt. I had a wedding in DC and 2 family members passed so I had to travel. I took him along with. Figure kost people dont see america that fast nor in a lifetime but I thought it would bb nice.

Along the way I heard alot of criticism about the US.

We have argued on 2 occasions.

the first was me tired of him talking ####### I told him of he dont like it here go home.

second was we were on the trip and our daughter had a fever. I told him to get the medicin we and he just stood there if it was hisnson in the DR he would jump.

he doent think he favors his child in the DR but I c the difference. Another issue is the babymother. He calls his son and she always asking for money. Ok I understand money is needed but he isny working. I am ok with helping my fiance. But I also need to take care of home and my children .

So I sent 60 dollars on Monday. He calls her and she said that isnt enough. He said my wife is helping me and thats what she can send. I told him prior to that I would send 60 every 2 weeks.but what kills me is that when h3 was outbthere all she was getting was 50 dollars bi weekly so I dunno what she talking about. We had the child for a k2 but she refused to give him the child. My opinon the broad just wants an outlet for dollars to b coming in. She dont work. I told hin sh3 is as much responsible for that child as he is. And she neess to work. I work and I dont want too but I have too because I have to support my child and cant wait on no one and she needs to do the same. What does he say? Not all woman are like u. I said exactly she is a lil girl and u need to tell her to grow up.

I have tried to talk with him and he always sez its what god wants or god is the only one who can help.

he worked in the DR as security in the casino.

He is still affectionate with me and things are great just minus the extra bs

[MRS.MONTILLA 4]

People also tell me I should have him call his babymama on speaker but I dont think I need to stoop to that level because being insure with him isnt the issue.

[MRS.MONTILLA 4]

People also tell me I should have him call his babymama on speaker but I dont think I need to stoop to that level because being insure with him isnt the issue.

People also tell me I should have him call his babymama on speaker but I dont think I need to stoop to that level because being insure with him isnt the issue.

[christeen 966]

You need to be honest and tell him how his negativity and constant complaining is effecting you... Communication is key. If you keep holding everything in, it will eventually explode... You need to have a heart to heart with him and see if he really truly wants to stay here and make an effort to be positive or if he is ready to go back... If he says he really wants to stay, then he needs to know that he MUST make more of an effort, at the very least to help out. Tell him what YOU need for him to do, give him some responsibility. He also needs to be clued in on finances and how much things here cost. If you are having to hire a babysitter you need to let him know that since he is home, he should be doing this, especially since YOU are sending YOUR hard earned money to DR to support HIS family. You need to speak up or this will totally explode...

[MIDUVIL 34]

ok-regarding the fact that he seems to favor the child in DR, I don't know how old the child is, but he feels maybe more confortable with older child than infants. It can be that he doesn't know how to do, if the babymama took care of his son. And he had memories with his DR son that he doesn't have with the twins.

it's also that his son is a strong link of his former life, family...

I know if I have more than 1 child, i will love all of them the same way. And my husband has so much fun with our only son, that he is afraid to love him less if we have a second one. So who can know what is happening in men heart concerning children?

He may just need time for adjustment. + Agree with Christeen post (lol).

You are doing a great job by what you are doing.

Edited April 30, 2014 by MIDUVIL

[rlogan 2,036]

, I just woke up, put on my big girl panties, .

Exactly.

It's just that the time to put on the big girl panties is before we agree to marry someone in a foreign country. But thank you for the point: without the immigrant making the decision to take responsibility, all our efforts will be in vain.

[BabyFaceWife 11]

My fiancee (now hubby) got here in December and he still has some struggles. In Texas, everything is spicy and he hates spicy food. We cannot get Dominican salami here. The batata here is different than what he's used to. Everything is chemically processed and there's no natural foods. And when we do find aguas naturales they aren't what he wants. I am a super positive person and I myself have had a really hard time too because what to me seems like constant negativity he tells me is normal for Dominicans. And I do believe it to some degree because I've seen it in others as well.

We've had our battles too but I make sure I point out to him when I feel like he is being negative, no matter what it is. Sometimes he is just being himself and I am just being overly sensitive but there are plenty of other times where he really is being negative and it took me pointing that out to him for him to realize it.

I think the hardest thing that I have had to adjust to (and him too) is the ideal that the woman should clean and cook and blah blah blah. Dominican men aren't raised to think they need to do any of those things and we've had it out because I am the VP of a pretty big company and I work 12 hour days and I cannot and will not come home and cook and clean every single night and still have time to pay attention to him. It's not possible. And there's no reason why he can't be helping around the house when he's there, unable to work. My hubby has stepped it up and is starting to help but it's very foreign to him and I'm trying to understand where he's coming from and he's trying to understand where I'm coming from. I finally had to say look, if you want me to be this housewife that you think I should be you will have to work 5 jobs to make the money that I make in my one job. That helped him realize!

It does take time. But constant negativity and him not being appreciative of all that you are doing to help him and create a better life for him and for you both is NOT ok. You are supposed to be building a life together and it takes 2 people to contribute to that life. You can't change him. He has to want to change for himself and if he's not willing to change to make a better life for the 2 of you then you don't need to marry him.

[TBoneTX 45,319]

(Regular-member hat on)

Earlier, someone recommended dropping him off at a Spanish-language church service. I started with this on Mrs. T-B.'s first or second Sunday here, and continued it for a time. She came out from the first service bubbling with excitement and even introduced some new acquaintances to me.

Notably, few if any of those direct contacts have endured, but the "networking connections" have led to lasting friendships for Mrs. T-B. Also notably, Mrs. T-B. has never been particularly religious -- the venue was the important aspect.

Your husband will be in a wholesome Spanish-speaking environment (and around God, if you will), among people who are probably of good character, and with access to a priest who can serve as a marriage counselor if you both want.

This is a "can't-lose" proposition. Even if you're some distance from a Spanish church service, and you have to drag the kids along in order to drop Hubby off and pick him up in a few hours, it really should be worth it.

[Enigma23 68]

You could tell him you will give him an allowance of what it costs you for the babysitter and then he will feel more in charge of his own finances....

When my father was very ill, before he passed away he would often need a nurse aid to care for him... he HATED IT!!! Hated it... One day he asked my Mom if she would pay him to watch himself instead! Together they made a list of the things the nurse did for him and everyday he would do them and check off his list and put the time he did it.. lol

So she could pay him for taking care of himself... as long as he "did a good job". In this way she was able to allow a man who was always a worker to keep is dignity in several ways before he passed... one time he even gave me $20 dollars of his money to take my Son and I to lunch... Chokes me up to this day..

Many times people do not want to admit their fears or weaknesses and it comes out in other forms...

So maybe making a deal with your Sweetie to care for his kids in exchange for cash that he can do as he sees fit and leave him a little extra will be the kicker for a better starting point... it could offer many benefits... and give him many new insights if he's in control of it... maybe just the offer alone will shift his gears...

Best Wishes Sweetie!! Big Hug...

It can't hurt... as far as I can calculate..

Edited May 1, 2014 by Enigma23

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

You could tell him you will give him an allowance of what it costs you for the babysitter and then he will feel more in charge of his own finances....

When my father was very ill, before he passed away he would often need a nurse aid to care for him... he HATED IT!!! Hated it... One day he asked my Mom if she would pay him to watch himself instead! Together they made a list of the things the nurse did for him and everyday he would do them and check off his list and put the time he did it.. lol

So she could pay him for taking care of himself... as long as he "did a good job". In this way she was able to allow a man who was always a worker to keep is dignity in several ways before he passed... one time he even gave me $20 dollars of his money to take my Son and I to lunch... Chokes me up to this day..

Many times people do not want to admit their fears or weaknesses and it comes out in other forms...

So maybe making a deal with your Sweetie to care for his kids in exchange for cash that he can do as he sees fit and leave him a little extra will be the kicker for a better starting point... it could offer many benefits... and give him many new insights if he's in control of it... maybe just the offer alone will shift his gears...

Best Wishes Sweetie!! Big Hug...

It can't hurt... as far as I can calculate..

I strongly disagree with paying a father to watch his children. However, I do get your point

on him having some money in his pocket as he should, but either through 'other little chores' or for no reason other than he needs

some money so he does not have to ask the OP every time he wants to spend a dollar. I assume she is already giving him a certain

amount he has control over.