fiance down

[Snag 57]

Culture shock, OP. I came from Australia and still had it. I was stuck for three months before our wedding with no transportation, living in a tiny town in northern Michigan (the biggest attraction was the local pizza diner), with my then fiance gone for 8-10 hours working. My mind was my worst enemy. I wrestled hard with homesickness. It didn't relent after marriage. It took me nine months to really get my wake up call. Sometimes I really didn't even want to get out of bed in the mornings. It was hard not being able to drive and my social circles were very limited. Everything was slightly different in the US - the food made me terribly ill (I have a corn and gluten allergy). It was hard not to feel miserable. My husband suffered deeply, also. I know he didn't marry a negative, angry, depressed woman.

One day, a glorious, fall day, I just woke up, put on my big girl panties, and decided it was time to live for today. Stopped worrying about how I was going to adjust and blah blah. It was time to embrace life over here because my love was and is totally worth it. The raincloud was lifted, and home wasn't missed as much.

Each experience is different. Can't say your fiance will be the same as I. Best thing, I found as the immigrant, is to make the most of it. Keep busy. Be proactive. Husband used to leave me little lists to keep me busy with, such as, "Go out to the library; finish the watercolour you started; cook something delicious from your culture." They helped a lot.

One thing my husband didn't do - either before our wedding, or afterwards - was give up on me, because he saw me genuinely struggling to keep my head above the water. Key word: struggling. You need to decipher whether your fiance is trying or not; whether he's really trying to make things work, and this could take a bit of time to determine (homesickness does strange, strange things to ya). Heart to hearts and open communication help tremendously.

Edit: If you do come to the conclusion you need to call it off, better now than after the wedding.

Edited April 29, 2014 by Snag

[Togbega II 25]

Just take it a day at a time. I arrived last year Dec 25 and went through the same thing your fiance is going through. I perfectly understand how he feels. I also have a daughter back home n calling to hear that she is sick shuts me down totally. My wife has been very supportive n patient. I never liked the food nor any other thing but guess what??? I now eat almost everything she cooks and settling down gradually.

Never be discouraged. Eventually, he will be fine like me. Treat him with much more love and care. Good luck

[Rich and Wen 101]

I live in Chicago, and I can tell you that he needs to get out of the house and do something. My fiancée arrived here in November, and it was difficult for her to make the adjustment. I was working all the time to support our home, my son and hers as well. And we had a very difficult winter, making her more homesick, and resulting in "cabin fever".

I knew that it would be difficult for her, so the first thing I did was find English as a Second Language classes. They are free, and offered in all City Colleges of Chicago, as well as other social service agencies. I enrolled both her and her son in classes, bought transit cards (VENTRA) for each of them, gave them keys to the house, and personally took them on a bus trip to the school, to show them how to get around. This way they could go to the school while I was at work.

I also began asking my friends for recommendations as to where we could go to find groceries familiar to them, so the adjustment would go a bit easier. We would find different places where she could buy foods she likes, and find different things she liked to do.

I hope these suggestions will help you take concrete steps for him to adjust.

Good luck!!

The fact that we have Chinatown here, and Little Vietnam, made it easier to locate people who spoke her language and knew her customs. For you, there are numerous areas of the city which are predominantly Mexican, and I am certain with a little effort, you would be able to find a Dominican Republic community where he could feel at home. There are restaurants catering to all ethnicities here, so you should be able to find one he likes.

[Rich and Wen 101]

And please update your timeline

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Geez Louise .....he needs to get a grip and be proactive to integrate. What I don't get is that he is finally with you and his children

and that should be a lot to make him happy. Adjusting is one thing and takes time but what you describe is over the top.

How can anyone be so bummed out complaining and whining with all the negativity after only 18 days ?
I am an immigrant too and had no problems adjusting, I was busy making a life with my new family so I have that perspective

from both sides of the fence.

Some so called adjustment problems are personality issues. Hope he gets with it for your sake and your children's.

He likes church, so does he attend a church and has he made some friends there who may be able to help him ?

There are lots of Pentecostal churches around everywhere.

I do understand that he misses his other child but the thing is he knew he would have to leave him behind and perhaps he should have just stayed

there and not hooked up with someone in another country in the first place !
I hear this so much that people complain about the USA when they get here .....well what did they think ? That is is a rainbow castle

in the sky ?
Did he not research about this country ?
Man, that must really put a damper on your happiness of finally being together. Sorry he is peeing on your parade.

It's a move to another country and culture and not a life and death disease so he needs to stop this 24/7 negativity and grow up.

[destiny64 222]

I'm curious about one thing, you both fought to be together and now you are together all of 18 days was it? How is he acting towards you besides all the complaining? Is he affectionate with you? Does he act like he still loves you? I would be devastated if my husband pulled this once he arrived! Adjusting is one thing, what you are describing just seems odd. You have but 90 days to figure this out, best of luck to you. Be strong and don't blame yourself for his behavior!

[Golden Gate 530]

It can take a while to feel ok. My husband has his bouts of depressed feelings, homesickness, etc. However, they pass rather quickly now. You just have to let him have those times and it doesn't really reflect on you. It was hard the first year for him, both in terms of the food, not feeling sick perhaps because of the food differences, not having steady work, not being able to get out to see anything since we lived in the country. 18 days is nothing. He will go through fits for a long time. Give him time and try to be patient with him. Once he can work, he will at least feel more useful and the daily grind will in some way be a comfort.

I felt like he was always in a bad mood at the beginning too. It would put me in a bad mood. All I can say is try not to let his moods affect you and remember that it is all the cultural changes he is going through. Like someone said, you can't really affect how he will manage this. He is just going to have to figure out how to manage it.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Golden Gate

[janet&adonis 57]

Im sorry things are not good, it is quite an adjustment. All i can tell you is hang in there. My hubby does not like staying at home, but he has no choice. He cant work until he has his ead, so i try to take him out places on the weekend. In the meantime he cooks lunch, cleans, mows the lawn, and watches tv and listens to music. There is not much more he can do. He does not have children, but his whole family is sick with the flu. He misses his mom and grandparents, but he has never mentioned wanting to go back to the dr

[raven52 233]

Was he not told what to expect when he came to the USA? 99% of people would give their "right arm" to be through the immigration process, and see the wonders of this country.,,.no,.,we do not live in a perfect country.,.but I will take it, for what it is!

I, personally do not think he sounds like he "really" wanted to come to the USA.,.,.,.sorry.,.,but I see nothing but grief for you in the coming months. Too, many ties back in his home country, and his mind seems closed to accepting anything new..,.,..YOU have bent over backwards to apease him.,.,it seems not to be working, do not live in a "glass house!"

I have no idea where you are in his immigration status, but all I will say is be "very careful" what you pursue.

My wife came here from the Phils., she could not be happier!

[TBoneTX 45,292]

Two unsupportive posts have been removed, along with two quoting. The OP has a valid and serious situation. If you can't provide constructive input, refrain from posting.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

Oh geez.....sounds tough for you. I know he is worrying about his kid and all that, but if he's the type of parent that could never leave their kid, why did he do it? I mean, I could never, therefore, i would never have gotten involved with an impossible relationship. I don't get that part. Oh man and to have to pay a babysitter, he really is a failure as a parent. Something is missing here on his part. He does not sound like he is trying. It's way too early for all this to start. I don't know what to say, but give him an ultimatum. Such as you need to take care of the kids or get a job, stop criticizing your efforts, etc etc..the crazy religious part is strange too. Only you know what to do in your heart. Maybe it will take him going back home to realize where his heart truly is. This is definitely more than culture shock or adjustment issues,especially where the kids are involved, that one is a non-negotiable, you are right on that one.

Edited April 30, 2014 by ErikaAndHamit

[daviddelen 34]

Did he have a professional job before he came here? If he isn't a native speaker it could be difficult to find the kind of work he is accustomed to. Maybe that is weighing on his mind?

[livindadream 156]

I am not making excuses for him at all...but I live on and off with my husband in Ghana and most times I came here I noticed a total difference in my behavior and health. I'm always happy to be here with him, but I started resenting everything about where we were living. I looked up culture shock online and it listed all the symptoms of it and I could answer YES to 95 percent of them. Some people can adjust to new cultures and others will completely reject it and become hostile in their new environment. It seems like he is doing the latter of the two. On another note, I feel like he is being extremely selfish and inconsiderate and I feel bad for you and your children. I know the feeling of trying desperately to please someone who already seems to have their mind made up to be miserable. I would give it a little more time, see if is willing to adjust and embrace his new home. Wishing you the best!

[y00ch 1]

You need to be patient for him. I was in the same situation as him. Im an American living abroad and I married my spouse and had to find work and basically everything while dealing with the pressures of a new marriage. It is not easy. Patience and a belief in God will pull you through the rough spots. Remember......you are not given a problem you can't handle.
Sometimes what we perceive is bad is actually good and vice versa. So you must be patient, kind, and willing to endure the stress of the situation. Believe and have hope that your life will work out. The reality of the situation is....that it will work out.

Usually the emotional stuff dies down in time. Give him a soccer ball, bike, or boxing gloves. Men like to work out when they're stress.

Edited April 30, 2014 by y00ch

[fania&nelson 20]

take him to a church to a spanish service he'll meet people and chill