Have you been MENA-ized by your SO?

[Private 1]

So Henia I guess you have never seen this. I think to that I thought this way, but now it is like I do no care. I used to be very race aware when it came to who I dealth with. However, I have changed this opinion a lot. I "dated" or was seeking marriage and I thought that the Arab guy would be better, until I realize how much of a snake he was how hontestly not following the rules will really get you hurt. So now with my fiance he is arab however, I was more concerned about his understand of things. Like some muslim men here want a super muslim and they are not all that themselves. I wanted someone that could help me but also that had the same thinking pattern and believed the same things I did. Like music, a lot of muslims say it is haram some say it is okay depending on the school. Well, this may seem minor but this was hard dealing with someone that didn't listen to music. I love music and sometimes it helps express what you can not by saying it. So if I wanted to compare something to Mozart he would look at me like I was stupid. Or a song that I heard, I am a poet and I love poety so rap and hip hop has a lot of it if you really listen. This was kind of hard, I like something and he did not and if he was around he would be unpleasant you know. My fiance when we began to commiunicate I asked him if he listen to music. If he missed salat sometimes and does he make it up. Or does he pray right on the dot. Things likes this I think you should consider.

I did have something amazing happen, I was mistaken several times in Europe by Moroccans as Morccoan. Now is that Me-na or what. I have been traveling this past two months and I was in Europe, I found muslims in Spain and the EID I was in Italy. Spain I found them selling stuff and in Italy I was looking for a mosque to celebrate my day! Well I found them I heard them talk and I knew they where Moroccan by the dialect. I know a few words and I do not know italian so I would say to them in Moroccan. I called my fiance becuase they where so surprised and I was like I found my people. It was a moment and I made some friends. I was talking about Morocco and telling them things about my time and travels and they where telling people that I was from Morocco, I was like no and they said that you do not find a lot of black people that talk about a place and want to move to a different place. It was so funny. They said that it seemed like I had been muslim all my life. It was funny because being muslim in Europe and the military I wore hijib and I wore it off base in the city and people would see a NAVY sweater and a scarf. I know they looked twice, however the undercover muslim where like how do you do it. You must have been born muslims, blah, blah. I went to try and be socailable to this bar with the people that I was with and I know they where very disaapointed becuase I was in hijib at the place. So they never invited me again. (I was glad, they where begging me to come and they claimed I was not being socailable.) And they did not do what they normally do you know. But there where some Moroccans at the bar and they where like are you serious. This Moroccan guy was so surprosed and happy and proud to. It is cool.

[Candy/SadanNasir 2]

well after her becoming muslim she would say...oh no i could never marry a christian man if something happened to my husband. thats a big no no in my religion.

Idolization of religion is no different than bowing before a golden calf

[Muh and me 18]

After reading all this all I can say is WOW!

[Jenn! 918]

[UmmSqueakster 54]

2 years later, still not MENA-ized. Still can't cook more than the bare minimum of Egyptian food. Still can't speak arabic worth beans. Still wear western (albiet islamizied) clothing.

[me_4_musa 1]

i'm not MEAN-ized but inshalla one day I will be. i guess the first thing i need to do is cut down on the cold beers and martini's - if not i may not be able to fit into my cut-off shorts and mini summer dresses this spring…..inshallah.

[Nothing1234 2]

i'm not MEAN-ized but inshalla one day I will be. i guess the first thing i need to do is cut down on the cold beers and martini's - if not i may not be able to fit into my cut-off shorts and mini summer dresses this spring…..inshallah.

Bwahaha! Thanks for the update Daisy Duke! You crack me up.

@ Jenn! That picture is soooo right ON! LOL

[Anna and Ali 13]

I don't know how i feel about this...I mean I completely agree that you shouldn't abandon yourself and become something you aren't. However, sometimes you hear another person's view on life and have that Aha moment where you wonder how you lived so long without realizing that. Ali and I took walks and discussed religion and culture and we asked each other tons of questions. Immediately I was like, that makes perfect sense. I didnt feel resistant to anything I was being taught. It is my choice to follow certain cultural things and not others. I won't ignore my roots or betray myself but when i find a smarter way to do something, I do it. It's almost like i found an excuse to finally be myself. I used to get teased a lot by friends about being soooo modest, polite, and studious. Now its like I have found a culture that treasures girls who act like that. I remember his grandmother was shocked when she first saw me because I didn't have a low-cut top on. I'm so much more positive and comfortable when I'm dressed appropriately!

So i dont' think of our relationship as me sacrificing anything. It's a learning experience. I taught Ali some things and he taught me some. It's give and take. Bottom line is if you are going to change soemthing about yourself, either inside or out. The idea of changing must originate from within, otherwise it won't stick!

Plus, you shouldn't marry someone if you don't think that being with them can help you to reach your full potential! challenge each other! Grow! but most importantly, LOVE.

Sorry for the rant. its a slow day at work!

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I don't know how i feel about this...I mean I completely agree that you shouldn't abandon yourself and become something you aren't. However, sometimes you hear another person's view on life and have that Aha moment where you wonder how you lived so long without realizing that. Ali and I took walks and discussed religion and culture and we asked each other tons of questions. Immediately I was like, that makes perfect sense. I didnt feel resistant to anything I was being taught. It is my choice to follow certain cultural things and not others. I won't ignore my roots or betray myself but when i find a smarter way to do something, I do it. It's almost like i found an excuse to finally be myself. I used to get teased a lot by friends about being soooo modest, polite, and studious. Now its like I have found a culture that treasures girls who act like that. I remember his grandmother was shocked when she first saw me because I didn't have a low-cut top on. I'm so much more positive and comfortable when I'm dressed appropriately!

So i dont' think of our relationship as me sacrificing anything. It's a learning experience. I taught Ali some things and he taught me some. It's give and take. Bottom line is if you are going to change soemthing about yourself, either inside or out. The idea of changing must originate from within, otherwise it won't stick!

Plus, you shouldn't marry someone if you don't think that being with them can help you to reach your full potential! challenge each other! Grow! but most importantly, LOVE.

Sorry for the rant. its a slow day at work!

I can relate to what you said towards the end Anna.

In the beginning while getting to know my now dh over the internet he would say he learned all his English from watching western movies, even though they start English lessons at the age of eleven in school over there. He told me he was more westernized then the rest because of his love for American pop culture through movies. As the relationship progressed and we fell in love we were still learning about each other and a lot of things I didn't understand why they were the way they were for them over there, basically how they thought. I know we are constantly teaching each other new things and stubbornly learning that we can't change the other no matter what. If there is going to be a change it does have to come from inside. Like I am more open about my considerations in my relationship to Islam, but I wouldn't covert/revert just for my husband or to have children with my husband which is one of his conditions. Currently the major reason why we're married for nearly 4 years without kids and that's not for a lack of us both wanting them.

Sure I am exposed to Islam more because he is around practicing it everyday five times a day, and I go with him to the Islamic Center sometimes like EID prayers and have met many wonderful muslimahs from there, and I've gained many muslimah friends from VJ over the years who've shared with me and watched many convert/revert. At first I really didn't know much about Islam, but growing up as a middle child always being the peace maker and watching the first gulf war on the news as a preteen I was full of questions about the conflict and how to achieve something as lofty as the ideal goal of world peace, especially in the Middle East. I later went into High School with a desire to learn Arabic to understand the issues better. In my freshman speech class I met a boy who was learning Arabic and asked him for help but as some young teenage boys go he wasn't much help and taught me very little. I didn't have the opportunity then or the internet like we have now. Later in high school I met another girl who was Muslim. I don't remember her name or where she was from but she wore the hijab and stood out in gym class with her modest long sleeve dress under her gym clothes. We became friends and she shared information with me about Islam. As a social experiment to try to understand her better I tried to wear the niqab, fashioned out of a floral table cloth, for a few days to school. I stopped abruptly when one of my teachers who was the school coach looked at me in front of everyone and said, "What the hell is that!" Even under the niqab I was embarrassed by him and didn't wear it again. College was one long big experiment. I was mostly free and trying the hors d'oeuvres platter of life in order to find out who I was. Mostly I sought degrees to make the most money when I got out but I kept finding out I wasn't happy with my current path so I kept getting off track. I was still drawn to the politics of the Middle East though and the desire to learn Arabic but again didn't take the chance for logistic reasons when briefly at one University they brought a visiting professor who taught Arabic. I had started school there the second semester and missed the first semester of Arabic and he was there for only two years and it was his last year. I also always had a thing with Egypt since elementary school. I made clay models of the Sphinx and did my projects on the Pyramids for Social Sciences. Traveling and seeing the world has always been big on my list since I was a child and seeing one of the 8 ancient wonders of the worlds, The Pyramids of Giza, was right up there at the top. So it was a natural curiosity that was filled for me when I actually met a man from Egypt online and had as much access as I needed from him.

After we got married and while spending some time living over there I did feel more pressure to be MENA-ized. The family did it in a kind way asking me through the oldest sister to wear this house dress or this long sleeve shirt that they'd like to give me. Pieces were translated to me that the father didn't like some t-shirt I wore which he felt was too revealing and wouldn't go over well in the neighborhood. Inside our own apartment in Egypt though I was free to be me and wear whatever I like unless a window was opened then I had to use caution. I never was pressured to cover my head except by my husband a couple of times in certain parts of Egypt but his Grandma nipped that in the bud really quick for my sake. I did feel and see the condescending looks from a certain Aunt once because I wasn't Muslim when she had asked my religion and it was translated to her as Christian. To me it's just a formality for the paperwork and the way things work over there. But to them it's very real and what I felt between her cold hard stare was tangible to me in the room that day. You know when you know things by feeling it without words? Looking back it that experience explained a lot more to me about what went down around the events of my first trip and went down the way it did after waiting for my husband for 2.5 years until we could see each other again. I have a better understanding of the way they think over there, or at least a certain demographic. I've also read a lot more news and books since this all began and took a minor in political science in college which also broadened my perspective about the region.

Since dh arrived here he allows me to be me more wearing things he didn't like me to wear outside in Egypt and I allow him to be himself still. He still at times tries to control what I wear such as when I go swimming at the pool. Though this time it is a reversed situation where he feels the pressure from my family to westernize more while in our country allowing me to have my freedom to swim in a swimsuit because the cultural norm here is acceptable. It still angers him for religious reasons I guess. That whole swimming issue has yet to come to a compromise. I'm in no rush right now and I pick my battles with him. My family reminds him that we don't think and feel about it like they do over in Egypt. So in each country one or the other of us adapts in some way to the bi-national relationship and cultural norms. As far as dress goes though I would also like to add that I don't mind dressing more modestly. I feel like it's part of the maturing process for women. Though I am just entering this phase of my life where I am finding myself leaving the teenager and miss sections of the department stores with low cut tops and more revealing tight clothing while entering my 30's in my womanly body. I am disappointed with what I find next is either maternity wear, career wear, over-sized women wear, or elderly wear. I'm not finding many options for the non-cliche' clothing for mature woman. Maybe it's the area I live in or maybe it's that I'm not a big shopper and haven't found my style yet. I still have clothes from the college years that need to be exchanged for whatever phase of my life I'm yet to enter. Even though I've graduated college a lot of the time I still feel like a college kid because of what I do have to wear in my closet. Still looking for work after college for nearly a year now in these economic times and not being able to buy much is frustrating and getting depressing. One positive thing about it though that another fellow VJ'r mentioned to me is that it puts both my dh and I at the same level which make it easier for his manhood where he feels like he's supposed to support us. Both our money is what we have from before and in our joint bank account and we're making it last as long as we can but now it's getting scary and in the red. He's got his EAD now and hopefully soon his green card. He seems positive he'll be able to get work even when I've been looking for the past nine months. At this point it might be for the better if he looks for work and I don't have to. Though I feel we'd get further if he kept making his job to pass the USMLE's without distractions like work. Then on the other hand they like to see that he had something to do with the medical field while studying for the USMLE's even if it's a part-time job or volunteer. He hasn't had luck with either here yet so IDK.

While in Egypt I didn't like their food and was sick most of the time. I could only eat fresh fruits and vegetables and mostly ate vegetable soup. I don't know if it was the spices or the fried food or their different bacteria for their region but my system was afflicted and adjusting harshly. He however isn't having this problem here. At his grandma's house out in the country I could eat the food. I don't know what it was but it seemed wholesome and good. I do like his food better when I make it here even though he calls it the American version. We don't eat a lot of lamb. We had it one time at a friends house when he first got here. They were another couple like us with an Egyptian husband and American wife. Since this summer however I've become vegetarian and dh isn't big on meat so that works out well for us. Koshary is one thing we can both enjoy. I've made tabouli and falafel both without oil. He's been accommodating to my diet restrictions. I've also been accommodating to make him feel more comfortable here so far away from home by being willing to make middle eastern dishes. Even though he likes to criticize and tell me that this dish isn't Egyptian it's more from this region or that region. Now I just let him make his food the way he likes it because it gets very frustrating. He doesn't like that though. He prefers the woman cook and show the care for him. He was spoiled by the women in his family back home. I saw that first hand.

Now chores. That's something I'd love to hear back on. How does everyone split up chores? I do the bulk of it here. He takes out the garbage once a week and he's just learned to empty the dishwasher though he does't trust it and still prefers to wash his own dishes. I have yet to teach him how to do laundry. I'm taking it one step at a time. When we just cleaned the house this last week I did all the bathrooms and asked him if he'd like to learn how to clean him. He gave a disgusted face and said no but he is willing to do the vacuuming. So he started vacuuming. I can't say it's a great job he does but he does it and it helps somewhat. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks if he doesn't do a good job then I'll just do it myself. It may take me a few times to teach him how to do it right. Then of course I mop all the floors and counters and dust. He's good for other things though especially with knowing his way around electronics. Anything computer related, television related, home theater system related, blue ray, HDTV he's got the answers. He's also really strong and so he gets to do the heavy lifting if anything needs to be moved.

When we were back in Egypt though he'd stay out working for 14-16 hours and sometimes go meet with friends as cafes for late hours into the night. Cafe life for the males there is very big. He's found a conveniently located Egyptian hookah cafe near our house here run by an Egyptian who is his friend now. Sometimes he goes there but not so often. Back in Egypt I'd be in the house for nearly the entire time. I had the language barrier. He'd do all the grocery shopping picking up what I need on the way home. Now we do the grocery shopping here together on Sundays mostly. He still doesn't like to eat out here or back in Egypt. He prefers home cooked meals. That didn't change and is something quite new to me after a decade of the college years. It's also made me a better person though taking better care of my health now that I can focus on it. We got an elliptical machine in the house even that I work out on regularly. As it was in Egypt it is the same here with him riding me on my diet and getting healthy and in shape. I don't know if that's mena-ization or just him being a doctor. He still smokes though so I find some irony in his riding me on my health habits when he's a doctor that smokes and knows what it does to you. But you know when I want to take him out to eat he gets really moody about spending the money on eating out. Took me awhile to catch on to this being one of his things because it was the same way in Egypt. However, you take him out shopping for clothes or whatever and he's perfectly happy. He especially likes shopping for himself here. Back in Egypt he liked shopping too but not so much at the tourist spots. He'd take me to some places though and the shopping there in Egypt is really something. The bargaining, the open aired shops, the different things, the different people, the different hours they kept. Even some or most of the doctors offices opened at 9 pm instead of during the daylight hours because of the heat and you could get pretty much anything you wanted medicine wise over the counter unlike here.

One other thing I noticed and I don't know if this is a mena thing or just my husband's thing but he's attached to his electronics. He brings them to bed. I'm not kidding you. He'll sleep with the cell phone under his pillow or with the laptop tucked into his arms. One time it made me so angry I finally had a word with him about the electronics coming to bed with us. In Egypt I could understand the cell phone in bed because he was a doctor on call and they always answer their phone in Egypt. They don't have voice message or don't believe in using it. He won't even set up his voice mail here because of that belief but when I call him from upstairs knowing he's downstairs and the cell phone is attached to his palm and he doesn't answer it then I have to question him why he doesn't answer when I call. The natural answer is because we're in the same house. Yet he'll answer text msgs which take longer to produce than a call? Then he tries the same thing with me calling me in the same area or not to far away and I won't answer. I let everything go to voice mail most of the time. He really dislikes that and asks me why I don't answer.

I'm trying to think of more but these are just some of the things I've noticed. Now I fear I've written another page in our book for all the world to read. I write a lot and it's late at night. The energy is bouncing around here with one day between now and the green card interview. He keeps telling me to relax. I keep telling him to prepare. This whole time I feel like it's me preparing everything. Doing everything. That is the difference between Egypt time and American time. Things are slower there. I learned that while living there. I didn't know that before. They get to work 6 hour days 6 days a week and most of the hours of flexible. They're off in the afternoons mostly if they go to work early. Life in some ways is more simple there. Here we work longer hours with shorter breaks and vacations. Sometimes I feel it's easier there but quality of life isn't so easy while it's harder here but quality of life is better. It's a trade off. I used to be so upset when we'd frequently get disconnected online. I thought he was just using it as an excuse, especially when it was long hours at a time. After living there and experiencing it myself with friends and family back home now I know better. Such two different worlds clashing, combining, intertwining. I wonder. Where will be be in the next five years? In the next ten? How will our perspectives have grown and changed by then? Will you all still be here? Probably not because I've seen many leave here when I was just getting here and I wondered where they have all gone. Some of you will still be here probably, as you are now. What does the future bring for us all who have met on line, and met in person, forming relationships and bonds in the ways possible these days? Even in our own country with it's own diversity we are having or differences. From relationships in the past I've found some part of me has changed from the lives that have been in mine be it good or bad or whatever else. We learn from our relationships with others. That is one thing I love about experiencing other's worlds even if briefly for a moment there is always something to learn from each other.

[Liz Rodriguez 1]

In some ways I wouldnt mind being more mena as far as the dynamics of family life go. Everything is around family there, from what I have seen through my honey's webcam. Everyone cares for the other people in the family even if they dont necessarily like them. I dont know so much about him always being away out at the coffee shop and such but I think I am more jealous bc he gets to bed out with his friends and they have his attention and I dont. Petty I know. We are in our first year of our budding relationship. Getting comfortable with each other and how we are. I will say that since making a commitment to him, I have changed and I see them as better. I was, I will use the term my mother did the other day on my facebook, a daredevil. Didn't really think about what I was doing until it was already to late. I have changed much of how I dress. I did convert to Islam but not for my fiance. I was doing a compare and contrast paper and I chose Islam and Christianity. Mainly. because I wanted to know what kind of religion I wanted to marry too. I grew up my entire life baptized as Christian, but I always had questions that no one seemed to be able to answer. I put these questions to a lot of people and they would just say because that is how it is or this is how I interpreted the message in the bible. I didn't feel these were good enough for me. When I began to research these two religions, I had already "looked" in to Islam a lil bit. When I started reading some lines from the Quran and then lines from the Bible, I started to see similarities in them but I needed to know more about Islam. I started looking at all kinds of websites because I live in rural Iowa and there are absolutely no books on Islam in the local libraries. When I started reading this information about Islam, I prayed that I would find peace and understanding in both religions really. I wanted to know where the real differences were. And there are some and there are some that are the same. I didn't even convert then. It was a gradual thing. I wanted to cover my head because it also says in the bible that a woman should cover her head and extend to cover her bosom. Anywho, when I read more and more about Islam, I felt a peace come over me. It was like I had finally found the answers that I had been seeking all these 26 years. So I am now a hijabi convert who loves Allah swt and fears him too. My perception of things have changed and I have given some of personal circumstances over to Allah because if I had not I would have made myself crazy trying to figure out how to fix them. I don't feel that I would change much even after my habibi comes home with us because he fell in love with me for who I am and what I am. He knows that I am outspoken and that I do things that make him crazy sometimes but he knows that is just me. We have spats over the computer or even over the phone. I do have 4 beautiful kids that are living with me and they talk to him when they are home or want to. I am involved with social services over a dispute that their father and I had over a year ago. They see Taha as harmful even tho he would never ever harm my children. He wants them to grow up to be the best that they can be in their lives. We have discussed moving to Egypt with or without the children and we have decided that we will wait until they are old enough to decide if they would like to be here or there. Their father is Christian but not necessarily a practicing one. When he has the kids on the his weekends, he sometimes takes them to church otherwise that is about all the christianity they get. I do my prayers and I read my online Quran. I will not say that I am perfect because the time regiments are, not varied but hard to set my entire day around and sometimes I don't get my prayers done right when the athan goes off but I do it as soon as I am able to with raising 4 kids on my own and making a relationship work with an 8 hour time difference. He told me once that I had no space in my life for him. I told him that I have to make time for him and it may not always be when he wants it to be. Sooooo, in this long piece, I will say no I am not and probably will not mena tize myself or my household really. Some compromises will have to be made but that is in every relationship where two different come together.

[Anna and Ali 13]

wow. cleocatra, i loved reading your post over breakfast this morning. it was so enlightening!

I feel Ali is a bit different from some Mena men because he spent 5 years away from home for schooling. He was raised in Jordan but spent two years in Virginia as a child. Then he did a year of school in Pakistan, and then four in England. He lived by himself in a dorm and did his own laundry, cooked (rarely) and got used to be self-sufficient. He's also a neat freak. The first time I lived with him I was shocked that he wont' go outside until he's had a chance to clean off his sneakers so he doesn't look dirty. His mom cleans like a madwoman so that makes sense! he is also out of his work clothes and into pajamas the second he walks through the door, even if we have to leave again in a few hours! lol

I live with my parents still and never had to cook or wanted to until I met Ali. I surprised him once just by making Jello and his reaction was so grateful (i don't know why he hadn't thought to make it himself) that it was an encouragement to try other things. By the end of the summer i was making kebab and I tried to even make maqlooba. he claims that everythig I make is good, which is a lie

I feel really lucky to have Ali because I know he is willing to do his part. Yes, absolutely there are some things he doesn't budge on, he doesn't want me out with guy friends by myself (i only have two guy friends anyway and we always hang out in groups so that's fine!) The best part of our compromise is that when it comes to whether or not i should do something his answer is always the same, "if it were me, would you like me to do it? If yes, then go ahead, if not, then don't" Rules in our relationship are very 50 50 and most of the time I have the emotional upper hand because i pout and he caves

He is one of four sons in the household and definately the most sensitive. His mother definately did a great job raising her boys and two daughters as well while their father was in the military. Ali is fantastic with kids as well. One christmas we had dinner at a neighbor's house in england who was kind enough to invite us when we had no where to go, and the man's granddaughter wanted to spend all day in Ali's lap playing with him and I was jealous! little kids usually love me!

He also dotes on his nephews and nieces. His nephew Azzam and Ali dance a lot to music and just act silly because he's only a year old. I think he'll make a great dad. His dad was extremely firm but in the end he and his brothers and sisters respect him like no other adult. They strive to make him proud.

Again, sorry for blabbling, but if there's one thing I like talking about, it's my babe haha. <3 (oh, and as for chores, sometimes he beats me to it, but I like doing them anyway

[amal 4]

A lot of the old-school VJ'ers (back in my VJ era) know my situation. I don't remember if I posted in this thread back when it was started...so I'm just gonna post the current situation

My husband swears he doesn't want me to be like the Jordanian women...but I know it's a lie. Here's why:

I grew up in a home where mama cleaned on Fridays when we were at school. Therefore, I don't see a need to clean every day. We argue about this all the time. My feelings are "if nothing is out of order, there's no need to clean". His feelings are "if you haven't cleaned it yet today, you'd better get on it sister".

I don't wash walls. He complains about it coz his mom and sisters washed the walls once weekly even when they had jobs...so my working doesn't excuse me from this issue.....I still don't wash walls...

Before he got here, we never cared about if we took our shoes off before stepping on the carpet. Now we do. It's easier than hearing him tell us how we Americans are so dirty that we will walk on the carpet with our dirty shoes on ....ugg

I try to remember to keep the dishes washed and the laundry done. Sometimes I'm on top of it and sometimes I slack off. We also argue about this issue.

I sweep and mop the kitchen floor about once a week (unless it has visible "yucks"). He wants that done every day.

I do not clean my son's room. Hubster complains that my son's bedroom should always be spottless. I don't really care. It's my son's room and he can do as he pleases (as long as there is no food stuffs/drink stuffs/garbage. Everything is in it's designated place, so I'm good with that. (we argue about this issue too)

In the cleaning department, I really haven't changed much. What has changed is that I'm a better house keeper than before.

I have to cook stuff he knows. He will not eat food that he's not tried before.. No pasta (no lasagna, spaghetti, ghoulosh, macaroni, pasta salad, etc), no chili, no casseroles. I basically have to cook Jordanian food or he has a fit...AND if I don't prepare the food in the way his mom prepared it...he will not eat it and will complain for EVER about how I only do things the American way even if it's not right...(to that, I say, what-tf-ever!) Our meal list for the week = mansaf, djaj mohammar o batata, seneed batata, hamburgers/fries, bbq'd steaks/burgers (arabic style - no bbq sauce, just cooked on the grill), arabic cucumber salad, lebaneh, zait/zattar, my own personal spicy chicken (made with arabic spices of course), maglooba (sometimes), galait bandoora, ...... The only american foods are the burgers/fries/spicy chicken. I can't just go create a meal because if it doesn't have a name, he won't even try it....I do miss my cooking.

I have always dressed fairly modest, but have made an attempt to be a bit more modest so as to respect hubster's feelings. It doesn't bother me. I like my clothes.

I did not change my religion for my hubster. Jax was the one who inspired me to learn more and it was upon my researching and learning about Islam, and feeling that it was the right way to go, that caused my conversion.

It's so hard to pinpoint the things that are different. When I started writing this, I had a whole bunch of ideas of what has changed since he got here...now that I'm writing, I've forgotten them. I have changed a lot since his arrival.. The biggest change is the food. It's the one that drives me the most insane. A lot of my changes were not cultural changes, but rather marriage changes. I'm still a strong-willed American gal so that causes our arguments to escalate into the stratusphere at times. I have changed things so as to cause less friction in my household... but they're not things that are classified Arabic or American...

I know if I would do everything in "his way"...we would argue much much less....but I refuse to be a robot or a maid NO MATTER THE COST. I will not lose myself to someone just because he has the title of my hubster. It feels like I've gotten off track..so I'll stop here. lol!

[Mithra 1,185]

Wow such heartfelt and detailed responses.

To answer the question - No, I guess I have not been "MENA-ized" lol.

My husband was pretty exposed to Western (American specifically) culture and language before I met him. He didn't seek an Egyptian wife for a reason so I didn't feel the need to become one.

Food - I cook some Egyptian foods because I like them but I also cook other "Arabic" foods as well as many other ethnic type foods. If dh doesn't like them, well he eats something else. He'll cook liver and stuff that I don't like so I find other stuff to eat as well. There are no food issues in our house because we're both eat to live not live to eat type ppl. Plus, we both don't believe that the food we eat shapes who we are.

Attire - I haven't changed how I dress because I dress semi-conservatively. My husband didn't care for short sleeves or sleeveless tops when he first came to the US but he's learned to accept it and now it's a non issue. I'm in my mid-30s (early 30s when he arrived here) and I wasn't about to change how I dress to suit his mood. I felt as long as the major areas were covered, he shouldn't have an issue with it. It was HIS issue to work out and he did.

Housekeeping - he's messy, I'm tidy. I would like him to be more tidy but it's not happening so whatever.

Religion - non-issue. We're both heathens. Part of the reason he didn't marry an Egyptian. He didn't want that pressure.

Language - He was fluent in English when I met him, I've learned quite a bit of his language although I don't use it frequently. I guess I learned it to be nosey so I can eavesdrop on his conversations with friends and family, lol. In all seriousness, I learned it to broaden my horizons and make it easier to communicate with his family when need be.

I guess that's about it. I don't have any romantic notions about culture, family, religion, etc. I am who I am and that's who I want to be. My husband married me for who I was, not who he thought he could change me to be.

Edited September 16, 2010 by je veux ton amour

[JeanneVictoria 55]

I have to agree with JVTA. Wael and his family are very westernized. He married me for who I am and that hasn't changed.

I am extremely fortunate to have a man like him. Never has told me how I should dress, where I should go or not go, what to

cook, how to clean, respects my Catholic religion and my beliefs.

He always has told me he is so thankful for everything. He's always optimistic and energized! What a fantastic way he

looks at life!! I was like this also, but more now since we have been together! Known him for 6 yrs and married almost

4 yrs and he's still the same person. I could not ask for more.

[momof1 205]

I love when these old thread come back around again.

My husband and I met after he was pursuing asylum in the US. At the time we were married, he had been here for 3 years. We married when I was 21 and he was almost 31. I converted to Islam at the age of 19 and we had a pretty traditional courtship. We didn't date. We talked on the phone and we only met in person right before we were married. Looking back, it was a crazy way to do things but it's worked for us.

Religion is a non-issue for us because we're both practicing muslims and raising our two sons to be pracitcing muslim. I dont speak arabic nor do I really try to. I use words here and there that I know when taking about food or with our kids. Other than that, it's english all the way.

I am lucky because my husband doesnt get all macho about cooking and cleaning. I wash the dishes daily, but other than random tidying I do a good clean(vacuum, bathrooms, dusting) once a week. His family also washes the walls and he thinks it's the stupidest thing ever. I fix his plate or we eat family style, but he picks up the dishes. He does laundry regularly but I always fold. He changes diapers, fixes bottles, gives our newborn a bath and puts him to sleep. I know many MENA men only touch babies until they cry or need something...then it goes straight to mom. I cook all sorts of food. We enjoy eating from a variety of cultures and he had to laugh at some ALgerian guy last year at the masjid when he though Alfredo pasta was the best thing he ever tasted. My husband said poor guy eating mthouwem and couscous all the time... he doesn't know what he's missing.

I do everything my husband asks of me. I know that sounds terrible. It's just that I love him so much and he never asks for anything outrageous. If he wants some water, it doesn't hurt me to get it for him because he does the same for me.

I don't know if I could have stayed married this long if he acted like his brothers or other MENA men do. I can list a whole bunch of things I do for him as well as things he does for me. I'm wondering if people who listed a bunch of demands from their spouse could list any compromises the MENA spouse makes for them. It cannot be all one sided if it's going to be successful in the long run.