New Husband's Job vs. Leaving Kids

[Ban Hammer 13,977]

I then made a poem for the salon to hang on the wall:

children are great

children are fun

but please leave them home

when you get your nails done

a better sign:

[Dr. Obvious 49]

I moved a million times as a kid from a year old till I was very nearly 17 and a seinor year in high school. I got over it each and every time.

In my house, they would be either in the car or with their father. I am the adult and I have to provide. I have to pursue the best chance to do so, not only while the kids are young, but for myself for the future so that they are not burdened with me in my old age. It is for the best for them even if they don't see it now for you to move. I would have been gone yesterday.

[Shari 6]

To me, it's not like you're abandoning your kids. You want them to come with you, you'd have a place for them, the situation would benefit them, etc., but they're being stubborn teenagers and just don't want to leave their friends.

Maybe your 21 year old can try to reason with them?

Yes, I would LOVE for all of them to come with us! Actually my 21 year old is extremely strong-willed, stubborn, and is not afraid to let you know what she thinks even if its hurts anyone's feelings (she has been this way all her life, but I love her to death), and she couldn't believe I would move away from the younger ones when the Tampa job was offered. I DO need to talk to them one-on-one IF a job is even offered. But again, whether there is a job with this interview or not, Keith will still be looking for other shipyard jobs which are all out of town (Gulf coast or Atlantic coast), and Mobile would be the closest.

Oh, and my youngest daughter gets along well with Keith (though really is in her own world), my son gets along fine but is reserved around him as he feels he can't get too close because he feels he is going against his dad in some way (I wanted the divorce and my ex told the kids it was my idea for the divorce, not his - even though I have been through hell with him and the kids knew it), and my 21 year old gets along fine with but she herself has that attitude thing going on when she wants, so she goes hot and cold, so I see where they will blame this on Keith more than blame it on me; the "he took you away from us" story.

[Sinergy 3]

I really really do hope everything works out good for you shari. My heart aches knowing you are going thru such a thing. You love your kids, you love your husband, but you want everyone happy. Lets face it, we are mothers and wives and we will always have to make the hard choices, no one will ever be happy.

Edited January 11, 2007 by Ionescu

[wally 0]

when you have kids all the decisions you make affect them, sometimes to the good and sometimes not so good.

my son who was 10 when we moved here...from Canada, adjusted very well..friends, joined lots of sports, Boy Scouts etc.

I believe being a boy is also a factor.

my daughter turned 16 and moved in the middle of Grade 10, there is a custodial agreement in place but I left it entirely her choice. Notwithstanding the cultural change of high school curriculum, academics, standards, sports, from large city to the midwest USA etc., her adjustment had been hard..

Academically..no problem..exceeds the general population

Sports..been tough but she's enjoyed the challenge and accepts though she was involved in sports in Canada the level of competiveness far outreaches anything she's been exposed to. She willingly joins groups, volunteers for community events and works part-time.

Emotional adjustment...the kids around here grew up with each other...parents know parents...grandparents know grandparents..we've been here just over a year and though she's made many aquaintances, she left all her real close friends behind. She does go out with kids here, she does get invited to different things and she also does get excluded. It is very easy to say "you'll make new friends" but I can see my daughter is lonely. My husband, her stepdad, and I do everything we can to support her but nothing will replace uprooting her. Another factor is she'll be off to college soon, making another set of friends.

In my opinion, you appear to have a strong open communication with your teens...if they are demonstrating, even telling you how unhappy they will be then you no matter how beneficial a move for a better job will be...listen to your kids. They will soon be independent. They may even decide to support your decision should you decide to move. You and your husband were quite aware of the sacrifices and changes you and he had to make in order for you to be together.

As an aside, I do not regret moving myself and my family...just stating what I have observed and giving a Mom's perspective.

[broma25 2]

To me, it's not like you're abandoning your kids. You want them to come with you, you'd have a place for them, the situation would benefit them, etc., but they're being stubborn teenagers and just don't want to leave their friends.

Maybe your 21 year old can try to reason with them?

Yes, I would LOVE for all of them to come with us! Actually my 21 year old is extremely strong-willed, stubborn, and is not afraid to let you know what she thinks even if its hurts anyone's feelings (she has been this way all her life, but I love her to death), and she couldn't believe I would move away from the younger ones when the Tampa job was offered. I DO need to talk to them one-on-one IF a job is even offered. But again, whether there is a job with this interview or not, Keith will still be looking for other shipyard jobs which are all out of town (Gulf coast or Atlantic coast), and Mobile would be the closest.

Oh, and my youngest daughter gets along well with Keith (though really is in her own world), my son gets along fine but is reserved around him as he feels he can't get too close because he feels he is going against his dad in some way (I wanted the divorce and my ex told the kids it was my idea for the divorce, not his - even though I have been through hell with him and the kids knew it), and my 21 year old gets along fine with but she herself has that attitude thing going on when she wants, so she goes hot and cold, so I see where they will blame this on Keith more than blame it on me; the "he took you away from us" story.

Dont let the kids use that as emotional blackmail, if he really wanted to take you away from your kids he would be insisting you move to the UK where he could return to the kind of work he is qualified for.

[Marilyn. 340]

when I was 15 my parents decided to move us over 1000 miles away from all our family and friends....

I screamed, I argued, I told them that I wanted to stay and live with some friends....

But I ended up moving with the family.... I hated it at first but I got used to it after awhile

And then as I got older, I had no desire to move back, although I did miss my grandparents etc....

Life goes on....

Now here I am living 1000 miles away from my family .....

[Shari 6]

quote name='rebeccajo' date='Jan 11 2007, 11:47 AM' post='657715']

So what does Keith think about all this? How does he feel about you leaving the kids behind? Does he think they should come along?

Oh....the kids don't need to know about the interview. They only need to be told if he gets the job.

Keith knows my kids have a choice and that we both want them to come with us. His son (almost 20), will not be too thrilled with a move either as he has new friends and a job here, but he will have to come (he doesn't make enough to support himself). My twins will be 15 in less than 3 months. Keith left his daughter in England (with her mother) when she barely turned 16 as it was her choice. (BTW - Keith raised her and her brother alone since they were 5 and 7 as their mother left the family for another man and came back into their lives a couple years later, but never wanted them "full-time" as she was too busy with her new hubby). Keith never felt that he "left" his daughter behind - it was her choice - so he doesn't feel that I will leave my kids behind if they choose not to come.

IF this goes through, I don't even know how my ex will feel about 2 more moving in with him; he has a smaller house and it will be more expense for him (though I will contribute "child support" to help out). I'm not sure if he would push for our youngest daughter to stay with him (she can give him more grief than she gives me), or if he would consider nudging her to go with us for the above reasons. That would be best. I just know that if she wants to stay and if he wants her to stay there is nothing I can do as she is of age in Alabama to say who she wants to live with.

[Boiler 46,802]

The 21 year old is an adult, so not an issue, unless you make it one.

I am constantly reminded by my wife with my dealings with the Grancchildren of who is the adult! They twist and turn me, but I do know that when it comes down to it, its your descion, not theirs. Looks like they have an option to stay with their Father so not as if they have to move anyway.

My wife took my stepson to the UK at that age, he hated it.

4 years later all he could ###### about was leaving and going back to Colorado. Still looking at ways to go back.

And being brutal, at your age job opportunities are limited and getting worse. With no equity, if you want a half decent retirement you are running out of time.

[Caladan 19]

charles, that sign rocks.