New Husband's Job vs. Leaving Kids

[Fandango 1,440]

Shari,

I agree with the consensus here that you should go for the hubby's job. He's not happy, you're not happy...you want to buy a house, you want some better stability...who's going to give that to you if you don't seize the chance when you can get it? And I don't know your hubby, but if the situation were me and D, I'd be worried that too much of making him stay in summat he hates would have a collective effect on him and I'd be nervous that one day he'd just have enough & leave,

Of course, that's my irrational side...when I say things to D like this, he's like 'don't be such a silly cow'....BUT the fact is that your hubby left everything to be with you and start a new life together in a new country, perhaps keeping that in mind and meeting him halfway for his happiness would be the right thing to do. I'm not implying you don't meet him halfway, btw...I do remember all you went thru last year with his son and I can say you have the patience of a SAINT! But a better job can only benefit all of you in the long run!

[Shari 6]

In defense of teenagers- its hard for them to see the benefit of leaving their friends, changing schools etc. I know it would be very hard on you to move to a different city and leave your kids in Birmingham just from what you have written here. do they have a good relationship with the father? Do you and your ex get along well enough that he would not interfer in your realtionship with your kids (esp if you moved away)? Is the ex husband taking sides on this move for the kids rather than taking into consideration what is in their best interests?

I would hate to make the choices you are facing, but i do know if you are unhappy, if there is stress in your marriage , and there is something productive you can do to make your life better, your kids will benefit from that. Good luck!

The kids get along with their dad fine. My youngest daughter chose to move in with me full-time rather than one week with him/one week with me nine months after the divorce because she gets along better with me and sort of butts heads with him some (as her older sister does some). She would put up with living with him though just to stay with her friends/school. My ex and I get along okay. None of them know yet that Keith has an interview Monday. Keith just got the definite yesterday. I'm dreading telling them that. My son would stress out more than any of them until we knew if there was an offer, and I am thinking of just telling them I am going out of town with Keith on a job site Monday and Tuesday (as I am already off Monday for MLK Day), but then I don't want them coming back and saying I lied if he does get an offer, but again, my son stressed so bad before when we were making the decision about the Tampa job. He is insecure, tender-hearted, etc. He, more than the girls, would feel abandoned (and that is the word He used to me before).

Actually our marriage is rock solid and Keith's job situation is not causing any stress between us, though I know he is very unhappy, so I will do what it takes. He always puts me above him, and I need to do the same for him and I WANT to do the same for him. He is the BEST and we are inseparable. The younger kids will be off to college in 3-1/2 years and I will have Keith for years and years to come.

[Sinergy 3]

Shari,

I agree with the consensus here that you should go for the hubby's job. He's not happy, you're not happy...you want to buy a house, you want some better stability...who's going to give that to you if you don't seize the chance when you can get it? And I don't know your hubby, but if the situation were me and D, I'd be worried that too much of making him stay in summat he hates would have a collective effect on him and I'd be nervous that one day he'd just have enough & leave,

Of course, that's my irrational side...when I say things to D like this, he's like 'don't be such a silly cow'....BUT the fact is that your hubby left everything to be with you and start a new life together in a new country, perhaps keeping that in mind and meeting him halfway for his happiness would be the right thing to do. I'm not implying you don't meet him halfway, btw...I do remember all you went thru last year with his son and I can say you have the patience of a SAINT! But a better job can only benefit all of you in the long run!

You bring up a good point lisa.

However, i believe that he moved here and gave up his life in another country out of choice, and didnt really have any little ones to force to move with him. There are children underage in this situation. There is always time to get a good paying job, but leaving your kids behind, no matter what the timeframe is, is time missed with those children, not something a mother wants to give up, or atleast i wouldnt want to give up. Yes shes in the middle of a rock and a hard place on this one. I just feel no matter what the situation is, you should stay together as a family, weather its putting the kids in the car and tieing them down (not fair for their father by all means), or sticking it out a bit longer and seeing if theres any possible way for the hubby to get a good paying job closer to home.

[rebeccajo 14]

So what does Keith think about all this? How does he feel about you leaving the kids behind? Does he think they should come along?

Oh....the kids don't need to know about the interview. They only need to be told if he gets the job.

[Shari 6]

Shari,

I agree with the consensus here that you should go for the hubby's job. He's not happy, you're not happy...you want to buy a house, you want some better stability...who's going to give that to you if you don't seize the chance when you can get it? And I don't know your hubby, but if the situation were me and D, I'd be worried that too much of making him stay in summat he hates would have a collective effect on him and I'd be nervous that one day he'd just have enough & leave,

Of course, that's my irrational side...when I say things to D like this, he's like 'don't be such a silly cow'....BUT the fact is that your hubby left everything to be with you and start a new life together in a new country, perhaps keeping that in mind and meeting him halfway for his happiness would be the right thing to do. I'm not implying you don't meet him halfway, btw...I do remember all you went thru last year with his son and I can say you have the patience of a SAINT! But a better job can only benefit all of you in the long run!

You bring up a good point lisa.

However, i believe that he moved here and gave up his life in another country out of choice, and didnt really have any little ones to force to move with him. There are children underage in this situation. There is always time to get a good paying job, but leaving your kids behind, no matter what the timeframe is, is time missed with those children, not something a mother wants to give up, or atleast i wouldnt want to give up. Yes shes in the middle of a rock and a hard place on this one. I just feel no matter what the situation is, you should stay together as a family, weather its putting the kids in the car and tieing them down (not fair for their father by all means), or sticking it out a bit longer and seeing if theres any possible way for the hubby to get a good paying job closer to home.

Ionescu - Keith began putting job applications/resumes out before he even got his EAD (took full 90 days). He got no responses because he doesn't have a BS in Engineering here and he has been an engineer for over 22 years in the UK. When he got his EAD it took over 7 months before he got offered the Tampa shipyard job (he worked in shipyard in UK for 22 years). He got offered his peon job the day before we accepted the Tampa job and he took it at HALF the money to keep my kids happy, but he is miserable. He never stopped putting in applications/resumes when he even took the peon job. So it has been 15 months of putting in applications/resumes and only 2 job offers. He is turning 49 in July and is getting old by work standards to be offered new jobs. It is not that has not TRIED to stay in town. His experience is in shipyards and that is the only place he is getting offers from, and there are no shipyards in the middle of Alabama. Thanks for your comments though. All comments are appreciated.

[Sinergy 3]

"The younger kids will be off to college in 3-1/2 years and I will have Keith for years and years to come."

There is your answer right there. IMO

You will always have Keith with you, but your kids will eventually move away and you will only see them on holidays or when they have the time to see you.

My husband can feel with your husband. My husband is a professional mountain climber, and we live in FLORIDA. says alot right there. this is his only profession as it is all hes ever done bc he was able to do well with it in romania. Tho i wouldnt say he is miserable getting paid a crappy pay and mostly being home with the kids while i work fulltime, bc hes here, and he knows it will take time to acheive the dreams we have.

Whatever your decision, i wish you luck

Edited January 11, 2007 by Ionescu

[Caladan 19]

The younger kids will be off to college in 3-1/2 years and I will have Keith for years and years to come.

They're going to be your kids your whole life, too.

I don't think your children are being selfish. They probably like Keith, from what you're saying, but he still is, like any stepdad, a guy who has come into their lives in the past couple years, and they've known their mom their whole life and now he wants to take her away? It would have freaked me out as a teenager, too.

That said, I think your children are underestimating how likely they are to adapt to you being far away. The son doesn't live with you now. The youngest daughter is more of a question mark since she's going to have to move in any case, whether with you, or with her dad. But neither of your kids are very young.

I don't know what the right answer for you is, but if you do move, take steps to address their feelings of abandonment. Maybe make plans to visit as soon as you move, get cell phones so you can talk whenever, fly them in during the summer for summer jobs and enjoying Tampa, something like that.

[Fandango 1,440]

Shari,

I agree with the consensus here that you should go for the hubby's job. He's not happy, you're not happy...you want to buy a house, you want some better stability...who's going to give that to you if you don't seize the chance when you can get it? And I don't know your hubby, but if the situation were me and D, I'd be worried that too much of making him stay in summat he hates would have a collective effect on him and I'd be nervous that one day he'd just have enough & leave,

Of course, that's my irrational side...when I say things to D like this, he's like 'don't be such a silly cow'....BUT the fact is that your hubby left everything to be with you and start a new life together in a new country, perhaps keeping that in mind and meeting him halfway for his happiness would be the right thing to do. I'm not implying you don't meet him halfway, btw...I do remember all you went thru last year with his son and I can say you have the patience of a SAINT! But a better job can only benefit all of you in the long run!

You bring up a good point lisa.

However, i believe that he moved here and gave up his life in another country out of choice, and didnt really have any little ones to force to move with him. There are children underage in this situation. There is always time to get a good paying job, but leaving your kids behind, no matter what the timeframe is, is time missed with those children, not something a mother wants to give up, or atleast i wouldnt want to give up. Yes shes in the middle of a rock and a hard place on this one. I just feel no matter what the situation is, you should stay together as a family, weather its putting the kids in the car and tieing them down (not fair for their father by all means), or sticking it out a bit longer and seeing if theres any possible way for the hubby to get a good paying job closer to home.

Ionescu - Keith began putting job applications/resumes out before he even got his EAD (took full 90 days). He got no responses because he doesn't have a BS in Engineering here and he has been an engineer for over 22 years in the UK. When he got his EAD it took over 7 months before he got offered the Tampa shipyard job (he worked in shipyard in UK for 22 years). He got offered his peon job the day before we accepted the Tampa job and he took it at HALF the money to keep my kids happy, but he is miserable. He never stopped putting in applications/resumes when he even took the peon job. So it has been 15 months of putting in applications/resumes and only 2 job offers. He is turning 49 in July and is getting old by work standards to be offered new jobs. It is not that has not TRIED to stay in town. His experience is in shipyards and that is the only place he is getting offers from, and there are no shipyards in the middle of Alabama. Thanks for your comments though. All comments are appreciated.

Shari, I feel so much for you. You need to talk to your kids one-on-one. You need to appeal to them to be supportive of whatever the decision is. If you decide to move...maybe the kids will see it's time for them to 'step-up' and be supportive for you. This is such an awful position, and I'm sorry you're faced with this...

PS I'm not saying 'be supportive' of your choice to move....maybe they will decide to put their reservations on a shelf and come with you, even just to 'try it out'

[MHandMB 0]

To me, it's not like you're abandoning your kids. You want them to come with you, you'd have a place for them, the situation would benefit them, etc., but they're being stubborn teenagers and just don't want to leave their friends. If your husband were their biological father, there wouldn't even be a question there. They'd be coming with you, like it or not. They're using the fact that they could live with their dad as a bargaining chip to keep you from moving, and so far, it's working. I can understand where they're coming from, but they also are old enough now to start really understanding how finances work, and how sometimes you have to make difficult decisions to do what's best for the family.

Have you had an adult conversation with them to explain what you're going through and how moving might just make more sense? I remember when I was little and I was taking dance lessons, and suddenly, my mom made me stop. I was so mad at her, but when I got a little older, I realized that money had gotten really tight and they just couldn't afford to pay for my lessons any more. It made a big difference to understand why that happened. Sometimes, kids are so consumed with their own lives, that they don;t really see the reasoning behind certain decisions, they only see how the decisions affect them. If you laid it all out to them, maybe they would have more respect and understanding for what's going on. Maybe your 21 year old can try to reason with them?

Good luck, and I wish you the best!

[rebeccajo 14]

I got sick of trying to reason with my son.

I told him we could live in a different house or we could live in the car. He got to pick.

[limah 1]

I moved to Indiana from Illinois. My daughter was really mad about it and she missed her friends terribly, but you know what, she got over it. She has a whole new crew of best friends now, too. It was a better opportunity for the both of us. Better work opps for me, the schools out here are better. I think the difference with me is that I have custody of my daughter, but not through a court. If she wanted to move with her dad, I would think about it, talk about it and see if it would be better for her. I think, your kids, like some have said, are lucky they get to choose. You shouldn't let them take advantage of that and torture you with it, though. They are teen-agers not babies. They are teen-agers, not adults. Close to it, but not close enough.

I would, if it were me, move with my husband, and they have until everything is on the truck to decide.

I also agree with the statement that he moved here to be with you. So you have to change as he needs it, too. I see that you said you aren't turning down the opportunity if he is offered the position, and I hope he gets the job. Now just work on the kids. Give them an option and a deadline. You're the mom. Please don't take it in the wrong way. Stand by what you say.

Make them write out a list of pros and cons. If they are so focused on friends, oh my friends, half the people they talk to arent going to be in their lives forever anyway. When you change schools and graduate and grow up, those people get lost in what we call "life".

Speaking of that, I wonder where my best friend, Marquetta, is from 7th grade and what she's up to??

The only thing that is constant in their lives is the fact that you are mama, and daddy is daddy! Friends come and go and change is good. They may like it better there actually...... It's going to be new for everyone, and financially better. Is money everything........ damn near!

Limah

[Fandango 1,440]

I got sick of trying to reason with my son.

I told him we could live in a different house or we could live in the car. He got to pick.

hahah great approach!

Slightly Off topic, BUT years ago I think ppl were more authoritative with kids. I once had this customer who brought her kid with her when she got her nails done. He was like 5 or summat...running up and down the salon, throwing over garbage cans, rolling out paper towel rolls down the aisle of the shop...then he started coloring on the chairs with crayon! Her response? 'if you don't stop coloring on that chair, you won't get any ice cream!' She of course, never made it to counting to '3' and the shop had to intervene to stop the madness.

I then made a poem for the salon to hang on the wall:

children are great

children are fun

but please leave them home

when you get your nails done

[TracyTN 237]

Honestly Shari, just from reading your posts, it sounds like you've already decided to move, but you're questioning yourself about the kids and want reassurance from folks here. I'm sure you'll get some of that, but you'll also get naysayers. Our opinions do not matter - its down to what you & your hubby feel is best for your family in the long run.

[Shari 6]

I don't know what the right answer for you is, but if you do move, take steps to address their feelings of abandonment. Maybe make plans to visit as soon as you move, get cell phones so you can talk whenever, fly them in during the summer for summer jobs and enjoying Tampa, something like that.

Actually the first job offer was in Tampa - 9 hours away. This job is in Mobile - only 4 hours away!

[Caladan 19]

Oh, that makes it a lot easier, then. It's not even a matter of plane tickets to come visit.