New Husband's Job vs. Leaving Kids

[Shari 6]

Hello! This is a new post that was orignally talked about in the post from last year "The Child I Left Behind" of which that thread was more related to those of you that moved to the US and had to leave your kids. Mine is different but I still need advice.

My husband (Keith) moved here from England in 08/05. We were married in 10/05. He brought his son over (20) and left his daughter (now 17) with her mother. I have three children, two of which live with me (daughters 14 and 21), and a son (14) who lives with his dad in town. It took Keith 7 months after he got his EAD to get a job. He was offered a great management job in Tampa at a shipyard (we live in Birmingham, AL), but my kids didn't want to move and thought I was awful for considering leaving them with their dad. He turned down the job and took a job at half the pay just to keep peace with my kids. BUT, his job sucks and he absolutely loathes it. He has never stopped putting in applications/resumes elsewhere but has not heard from ANYTHING in town. He worked as an engineer on submarines in a shipyard in England and because he doesn't have a BS degree, he can't get a job as an engineer over here even though he has 20+ year experience. So now he has another out of town interview next week with another shipyard and there is another real possiblity that we will be moving.

To look at his side, realistically he won't be able to get any good job except at shipyards where all his experience lies in. He likes that kind of work, he would be able to make good money (double what he is bringing in now) and he would HAPPY in that aspect of his life. To look at my kids side, they have lived here all their lives, have their dad, family, friends, school, etc., and don't want to move. I don't want to leave my kids, but I want my husband to be happy in his career and not to turn down another opportunity (as he regretted turning down the Tampa job). My kids' first reaction the first time was that I would be a horrible mother for leaving them and I would pick Keith over them. Keith is 48 years old and unfortunately the jobs are not knocking at the door at this age - and again, he can't get a job in town. I have joint custody with my ex and therefore if my 14-year-old daughter didn't want to go with us (which she didn't before), I couldn't make her. My 21-year-old is in college here. My son is very tender hearted and has already mentioned to me since the Tampa job was turned down that he would have been very mad at me for leaving him and would not have talked to me for a long time.

If my kids were grown and gone I would go ANYWHERE with my husband without thinking. I still will, but will have a heavy heart if I have to leave my kids. Now the distance is only 4 hours, but when you are used to seeing them every day, it would be heartbreaking just the same. Also, my daughters would have to disrupt their lives even more and move in with their dad (whom they get along with enough to live there, but obviously prefer living with me).

Whether this job comes through or not, Keith is still putting in other applications/resumes for many other shipyards in the Gulf and on the East Coast, so eventually we will probably end up at one. So . . . comments/suggestions? Thanks all!

[Fandango 1,440]

Shari I remember all this from last year....glad to see you, btw.

What about your husband enrolling in college? Would he be willing to go to even a community college at night to start off the requirements towards getting a BS?

[Shari 6]

Shari I remember all this from last year....glad to see you, btw.

What about your husband enrolling in college? Would he be willing to go to even a community college at night to start off the requirements towards getting a BS?

Hi Lisa. With the really low paying job he has now, we are already struggling to make ends meet. We never checked into it, but I think it would take him a long time to get his BS going part-time (that's if we could even afford it, which we can't now).

[peezey 0]

I think you have to weigh out how you can provide for your kids emotionally and financially in both scenarios....is it better for them to be a little mad now, but reap the benefits of a more stable income, and a less stressed mother & step-father, or is it better for you to give in, continue tostruggle financially, which is probably causing emotional issues in the family anyway?

[Shari 6]

I think you have to weigh out how you can provide for your kids emotionally and financially in both scenarios....is it better for them to be a little mad now, but reap the benefits of a more stable income, and a less stressed mother & step-father, or is it better for you to give in, continue tostruggle financially, which is probably causing emotional issues in the family anyway?

Hi Peezey. We are not destitute as we are getting our bills paid each month, but we have to old cars (1991 and 1992) and will need something soon, we rent a house so have no equity, have limited savings a month that right now is going toward airfare to get Keith's daughter over here in the next month or so as he has not seen her in 1-2/ years, and I have a daughter in college that I have to help pay 1/2 of what is left after student loan (books, etc.), so the extra money would be great, but I don't think that they would "reap" the benefits as the extra money would go toward a replacement car (not new) and hopefully our own house (need $ for a down payment) in the next couple years (no credit for Keith yet and my ex foreclosed on our house so my credit is shot). But we would have more money to "do" things with this kids, though not necessarily "buy" them stuff. It's still a hard thing because I know how they will react, and no matter what I say, they will not see it through my eyes and I don't want to drive a stake between us.

[peezey 0]

I still think you buying a house and having a newer car are all things that benefit your children, along with your peace of mind and your husband's happiness in going to a job he enjoys everyday.

[PlatyPius 5]

Sounds like selfish kids to me.

Your husband is miserable (apparently). It sounds like you need to make a choice; live for yourself some, or live for your kids and risk hubby being too old to get a decent job by the time they're old enough to "allow" you to do what you want.

[Thingee 0]

Am I misreading that the children will be left with their father should you move?

[rebeccajo 14]

Those kids would be in the car with me wherever I and my husband moved to.

They'll get over it.

My son was mad as hell when we first spoke to him about even selling our house and moving across town. Now he's anxious for it to happen.

[Shari 6]

Am I misreading that the children will be left with their father should you move?

I have 14-year-old boy/girl twins. My daughter lives with me, my son with his dad, though divorce papers show joint custody (first 6-9 months of divorce they were one week with me one week with him and the didn't like that - never changed papers). My 21-year-old daughter is in college here living with me now, but had lived with her dad some too (hard-headed one since birth that clashes with each of us at different times in the last few years). Anyhow, my 14-year-old daughter legally could say she wants to stay with dad and I don't want to force her into a huge move from family/friends/school so SHE would be miserable. So yes, they ALL would be left with their dad IF they didn't want to come, and I can't see any of them wanting to as we had been through this scenario over the summer when Keith was offered a job in Tampa.

[Shari 6]

Sounds like selfish kids to me.

I'm not sure of "selfish", but rather would miss mom. But I will not pass up a better job for Keith this time. I will just have to explain again to them why and listen to their concerns. Believe me, this is just as hard on me. Just the thought of leaving them before when this situation came up had me in tears in my bed at night, but again, I can't have Keith be miserable either.

[tom&tata 2]

Well, they have the option to stay in the area with their dad or go with you.

A lot of kids might not have the option. If parents pack up and leave, they will have too. In my opinion, your kids are better off

[mybackpages 0]

In defense of teenagers- its hard for them to see the benefit of leaving their friends, changing schools etc. I know it would be very hard on you to move to a different city and leave your kids in Birmingham just from what you have written here. do they have a good relationship with the father? Do you and your ex get along well enough that he would not interfer in your realtionship with your kids (esp if you moved away)? Is the ex husband taking sides on this move for the kids rather than taking into consideration what is in their best interests?

I would hate to make the choices you are facing, but i do know if you are unhappy, if there is stress in your marriage , and there is something productive you can do to make your life better, your kids will benefit from that. Good luck!

[broma25 2]

Shari

Make the move if Keith gets offered something better. If the kids have to stay with their father so be it. Once you are settled in your new life and the kids come to visit, you can bet your bottom dollar that when they see the kind of things you have that you didnt have before they will want to move and be with you.

Hopefully the separation will only be temporary, and dont worry you will always be their mom and they will always love you!! Although it may take a while for them to come around.

[Sinergy 3]

This is just my opinion. I would never leave my kids no matter what. If my husband got a job somewhere else, and my daughters dad was in the same town we are in now and my daughter didnt want to go bc of this, then my option wouldnt be to leave her. Theres either "im the parent, you go where i go" or, i make the decision that yes we need newer cars and a better home, BUT my kids are too important to leave, therefore i will make due with the cars i have now and the home i have now until the day comes that i can afford to buy better. But i would never even think of leaving my children. And if thinking in the best intrest of my children, taking them from their dad wouldnt be an option, nor would letting them live miles away from their mom. And they will not blame you for it, they will blame their new step daddy. im not trying to be harsh, just giving an honest opinion you can read. also, his daughter is 17 yrs old, is there no way she can pay or help pay for her plane ticket to come see you guys? You are already supporting many in your home, and helping your daughter with her college (yaay mom ), i dont see why his daughter cant pay half or atleast all of her airfare to come see you guys.